Messaging OW - What would you do?

[EmmaThompsonsTears]

Hello all.

I recently found out that my DH was having an affair with an OW from work - someone he has management responsibilities for.

We filed for divorce over the weekend and will be selling the house as soon as it’s in a fit state. We have two DCs - 4 and 19m.

I am plagued by the desire to set OW straight about the lies he’s been telling both of us. Particularly the one about the sexless marriage - as we were still having sex right up to the day before I found out about the affair.

From the messages I’ve seen, she’s something of a loose cannon and wouldn’t take kindly to this. She has been threatening to tell DH’s workplace about their relationship in the wake of their (and our) breakup. They mostly broke up because she was getting increasingly paranoid, and realised that she was the OW and would never get what she wanted (they’re long distance and despite him being a megatwat, he’s highly unlikely to leave the kids to go and live near her, divorce or no divorce).

Anyway, I want to put the final nail in the relationship coffin, as he is very obviously sad about their breakup and even when I told him I was divorcing his sorry ass, he was texting her saying HE was sorting it and divorcing ME, and that he was going to “fight” for her. Despite also begging me to let him fight for me.

he and MIL have begged me not to because if I message her, she might tell work and end DH’s career. Which is not in the best interests of me, the kids, or the mortgage.

however, I resent being asked to be sensible over HIS fucking stupid actions.

i think i know what the answer is going to be, but what would you do?

Similarly, how does one manage this kind of rage in the early days of divorce? I’m struggling.

thanks

You do nothing. If he loses his job and doesn’t find one that pays similarly, you lose out. Remember the best revenge is a life well lived. Now go and live the best life ever! And may his small life be filled with regrets for having lost such a strong woman like you

Honestly, do nothing. Revel in your drama free life. Him losing his job won’t do you any favours at all. Rant to friends or on here if you need to get it out. Take up yoga or running or meditation. Anything but message her.

Best of luck.

Don’t do it. It’s not worth it. I’ve been where you are. The most dignified thing is to be silent. I’m two years down the line and don’t regret it yet (and still don’t want anything to do with him/minimal involvement wherever possible).

You need to do nothing. You’d be as unhinged as she is. Also there are 2 kids in the middle of this crap and their daddy is moving out, the most important thing is them and their relationship with both of you. So you don’t drive him away or ruin his career, you put the kids first and avoid massive arguments that have irreversible consequences. Particularly as you still need to reach custody arrangements and divorce settlements. It’s all 100% harder if you can’t speak to each other

I remember your other post and I’m glad you are divorcing him. I would do nothing… karma is already at play and he’s lost both of you and his kids, like another poster said the best revenge is a happy life. Hope everything goes quickly for you!

She will find out for herself soon enough.

Honestly, their lives won't be great.

It doesn't matter what she thinks or knows.

Focus on you and your dcs. Only.

I wouldn't OP. It would be different if they were still together and she knew nothing about you - then I'd be tempted to say something.

I think you’ll get your chance one day, but for now, you need to do nothing. As hard as it must be, you have to just concentrate on getting the divorce done by the book and getting as much financially as you can.

Tell yourself that if you still want to, you’ll call her in a year and set her straight. But for now, don’t risk everything on short-lived revenge.

Remember who you are - YOU ARE @EmmaThompsonsTears - act with class, just like she did - def make him worry and never let him know your next move - its all he deserves even just for the “did mummy push you over” comment. Also gives you good ground for the divorce; in the end you’ll always have it over him…

Don’t do it. If he has no job and becomes the default parent with zero mortgage capacity he has a much bigger financial claim. You don’t want an ex who hates you and uses the financial proceedings to punish you.

When he has dc plan stuff to make you feel better. Rant to sympathetic friends, exercise, hike to a remote spot and scream, make a FU playlist. I joined an expensive spa to go to when dc were with exH and redecorated the house in colours he would hate. I also did yoga classes to try and relax and switch my brain off.

Channel your inner Michelle Obama ‘when they go low we go high’.

Write it.
Save it.
Sleep on it.
Sleep on it again (and again, and again)
Delete it.

This too shall pass.

If he gets fired then presumably he’ll be at home more and being argumentative and awkward. Work keeps him out of the house and out of your hair for lots of hours which is a small consolation because living together after a split was the hardest part of divorce for me.

Personally, do nothing until divorced. Then it's his circus, his monkeys.

money is a huge reason to say nothing.

He has risked his job, and damaging his future prospects. if you do nothing, there is risk that OW will raise a complaint, but if you do this the risk will increase. Not worth it.

Don't message her. I understand how much you want to, that urge won't go away easily. But like PP says, the best revenge is you living a happy and healthy life. He will get his comeuppance in one way, shape or form. She may well decide to reach out to you, she may tell work anyway, he might slip up or god knows any other scenario.

I’m in your shoes right now and I’m sooooo tempted to message her, but I’m sitting on my hands and not letting myself do it. I’m pretty sure he’s told her a similar bunch of absolute shite, more fool her, she’s welcome to him.

Much as I want to, I know deep down it’ll backfire on me, I’m playing the long game.

Fuck them both! But I won’t stoop to their level, you don’t either, you’ve got this!

She’s a loose cannon. You wouldn’t ordinarily care what a loose cannon [crazy] thought.

Focus on a good settlement and your kids. When it’s all done then you can debate telling her.

I’d say write it on paper and then burn it. Get it out of your system. It’s cathartic.
She will have been told all sorts about you, she’s probably been told you’re a liar/‘crazy’ (all us exes are!). I fear for XH’s fiancée but it’s not my place to teach her about red flags. Time will show her what he truly is.

I'm in the same position and I'm amazed how little I care about the OW, she's a close colleague and I know her name, haven't even bothered googling her. Rise above OP. She's nothing to you and good luck to her with your useless prick of a STBexH!

Oh lovely, you have been doing SO well so far to remain as dignified, as per your other thread.

Don’t lose that. Head held high. Continue on with the plan to divorce and forget about her. Yes, the power was taken away by the fact she forced him to admit it but actually going through with this will only mean she has won by ruining your life. It’s clear she doesn’t care about winning him and you and the kids will be collateral damage.

This is the best advice.
You've played the long game on your holiday, replayed how the conversation would go when you finally got your "revenge" and he's fucked it up by not getting the script right.
You now very understandably want some actual recognition of what shit he's put you through.
But Crazy Co-worker is not going to provide it.
Him being left alone with nothing will be the ultimate win.
In the meantime, do all of the things that will piss him off the most- FOR YOU.
Did he always moan you didn't have nice nails? Get them done. Always saying you should cook better? Do a course.
Keep yourself busy by pissing him off. She's not going to give you the satisfaction you need.

Don’t do it.

Write her a letter saying everything you want to say. Put it in an envelope and don’t look at it again until your divorce is finalised. Read it again then and decide if you want to send it.

Trust me. I wish I’d done this instead of looking like the crazy wife he’d made me out to be (I phoned OWs fiancé as found his business number online 🙈🤦‍♀️).

Edited: I can see you say you’ve seen she’s a loose cannon, but is this also DH telling you this? How would you describe loose cannon? How much do you think she knows? Does she actually realise she was the OW or does she just suspect? Has he fessed up? I,e how far off the mark do you think she is? Realistically what do you think you’d be telling her she doesn’t already know or suspect? If she knows or suspects most of it, is there much more to tell?

Do you think he’s still hoping to keep her warm as back up / work his way back to her when the dust has settled a bit? Is this also why he doesn’t want you to tell?

If it’s true and she really is a wild card, what’s stopping her dobbing him in anyway? Presumably she’s primed and ready.
She may not do it though, as if the evidence of their relationship indicates she was complicit, it may also fuck her career over too.
How likely is it to end his career? You said he’d stopped being her direct line manager?
Even if he lost his job, he’s likely to get another one even if it’s a sideways move / different industry etc, or is what he does so niche or in such a position of trust that’s unlikely?

Personally I would not be able to give him and MIL the peace of mind that you won’t tell her everything (even if you don’t)- I’d use it as leverage in the negotiations, keep him on his toes with the threat (you can be subtle and just imply threat) that you might tell her and / or you might tell work yourself. Then when everything is finalised and signed on the dotted line, I might tell her then, if I still cared.

What I would do though, is tell your friends and family so his ‘punishment’ is social, even if not from her.

Anyway, delighted you’ve filed! ✨

Did you get an STI test btw? Cos if it were positive then I think you’d be duty bound / he’d be duty bound to tell her…

Don’t do it. You may need cms later which is not forthcoming if he had no job, then you could end up paying him off. I was on your other thread and in awe of you. You’ve got this.