Messaging OW - What would you do?

[EmmaThompsonsTears]

Hello all.

I recently found out that my DH was having an affair with an OW from work - someone he has management responsibilities for.

We filed for divorce over the weekend and will be selling the house as soon as it’s in a fit state. We have two DCs - 4 and 19m.

I am plagued by the desire to set OW straight about the lies he’s been telling both of us. Particularly the one about the sexless marriage - as we were still having sex right up to the day before I found out about the affair.

From the messages I’ve seen, she’s something of a loose cannon and wouldn’t take kindly to this. She has been threatening to tell DH’s workplace about their relationship in the wake of their (and our) breakup. They mostly broke up because she was getting increasingly paranoid, and realised that she was the OW and would never get what she wanted (they’re long distance and despite him being a megatwat, he’s highly unlikely to leave the kids to go and live near her, divorce or no divorce).

Anyway, I want to put the final nail in the relationship coffin, as he is very obviously sad about their breakup and even when I told him I was divorcing his sorry ass, he was texting her saying HE was sorting it and divorcing ME, and that he was going to “fight” for her. Despite also begging me to let him fight for me.

he and MIL have begged me not to because if I message her, she might tell work and end DH’s career. Which is not in the best interests of me, the kids, or the mortgage.

however, I resent being asked to be sensible over HIS fucking stupid actions.

i think i know what the answer is going to be, but what would you do?

Similarly, how does one manage this kind of rage in the early days of divorce? I’m struggling.

thanks

I do understand the temptation but I'm an advocate of keeping a dignified silence, not for his benefit but for yourself. It really won't help you in the long run and it sounds like their relationship is over anyway. If she chose to believe his bullshit, that's her problem. It's nothing to do with you.

Concentrate on making a new life for you and your children. The best revenge is to be healthy and happy without him. Vent to your friends and have a good old bitch about them both as often as you need to!

THIS

Your mind shift has to change.

He is no longer your husband, or even your ex husband- he is your children's father.

Any fallout you cause for him will hit your kids twice as hard.
Walk away.

Allow yourself a slight smirk at her and nothing else. It sounds like she's stewing and could do something of her own volition so I think best for everyone to stand well back and let any outcome be completely and indisputably on her and him alone.

I think down the line you will be glad you didn't get involved (although I totally understand the temptation! )

The rage is so hard to manage. I wanted to burn my XH to the ground and would cry with anger. I was also exhausted by the 24/7 parenting while he fucked off and took precisely zero responsibility.

Anger is like poison. It makes you ill and releases the stress hormone (cortisol).

You're going to need to find a way to manage this. Whether that's by screaming into pillow, making a voodoo doll, seeking counselling or taking a long walk in nature. Not easy when you're juggling work and children.

Writing it all down sometimes help to get it out. Put it on the page and take it out of your head.

I can't advise you about contacting the OW. Your prick of a STBX has already jeopardised his job and blown up his family. It's up to you if you want to take the nuclear option. Would it make you feel better? Maybe. Maybe not.

In the meantime, the OW might be feeling equal levels of rage at having been spun a line. God only knows the lies he has told. Or rather, only STBX knows the extent of the lies he has told.

Whatever you choose to do, retain your dignity and keep your eyes on the prize: a better, brighter, happier future for you and your children.

I would really want to send her the proof.

However I am thinking of you and the kids long term, you need money more than
You need to get one over on her. She's already 'lost'. She could accuse him of sexual harrassment etc which could make him unemployable.

You could always bank the eveidence and send it to her in a few years in you still want to (very unlikely you will)

Hi OP
As others have said you do nothing but don't discuss it with ExDH that level enough will hold the cards - the fear of reprisal from work.

Other then that hold your head high keep up the dignified responses and act for your kids best interests.

OP - it's early days, and the intensity of your feelings will change. And your anger should really be directed at your H. The OW - seemingly didn't even know she was the OW, at least for some time?
She did not win some prize here, and you don't need to put any nails in the coffin.

You have two small kids. You need your H to continue supporting them - so creating drama that will impact his job and employability will only hurt your kids.
Don't do it.

Don't get what his job has to do with anything other than making trouble for nothing

Me neither, if she tells her boss then so what, they are both to blame and the worst that happens is one of them is moved, who cares anymore, he was horrible to you, lied to you, insulted you, lied to her too, just get on with a better life knowing you can hold your head high. He's still lying to you both, don't stoop to his level.

How are you doing @EmmaThompsonsTears ? How’s it all feeling? Is he still being a dick?

As tempting as it may be to message the OW, don't. Ultimately, your priority is your children, and their well-being. If you interfere and your husband loses his job, that's going to threaten your financial stability with regards to the mortgage and child support. If the OW blows up your husband's career, that's then on her, not you. You have to co-parent with your husband for a very long time ahead. The best revenge you can have is to live your best life. Your husband won't have you or the OW, and he has to live with the fact, that it was his behaviour that caused his marriage to end.

From what you say @EmmaThompsonsTearsit doesn’t sound like you need to get out your hammer and coffin nails. It sounds as if the OW is realising she’s been lied to and if she is angry enough about what she now knows and is angry enough about what she can now deduce about the state of your “sexless” marriage, she might tell your DH’s employers anyway. Leave her to the unhappiness she deserves and your DH to manage the consequences of his moral cowardice. I doubt his sadness is about their break up, it’s self-pity. Your silence to her is much more powerful. I’d also be completely silent over whether you plan to contact her or not, your DH and MiL can wonder what you will do.

I don’t blame you for seething at the injustice and wanting to hit out. I read your other thread and thought you had been amazing but it must be a rollercoaster of strong emotions all the time. If you can find friends to rage to or you can rage here then that will have better outcomes for you, but I know that’s easy to say and it’s going to take a lot of sitting on your hands and focussing hard on the long game.

Ah leave it. He stuck his dick in crazy and found out. She might calm down and might end up being your kids step kids.

What would you say if you did msg ow, they are both deluded and living in cloud cuckoo land. she will just show your msg to ex who will use it to confirm you're a nut job. They deserve each other and any grief that comes their way.

Ok I’m going to go against the grain here because I would not be able to tolerate MIL & DH thinking they can dictate what you do and don’t do, and I’d find it grossly unfair that he was getting away Scot free, and the door was still open for him to waltz off with the OW into the sunset through a tissue of lies - also, I’d want to be in control and in possession of the facts!

So if it were me I would arrange to speak to her - I’d go into the conversation with the intention of finding out exactly what he’d told her, and what she thought was happening in her relationship with him. Then, once you’re in possession of the facts you might feel you have all the info you need (ie, you know what shit he’s said and done) and that might be enough of a salve for you. Or you might decide to drop a hint that she’s been fed a bunch of lies, but you don’t need to tell her the whole truth. Or you may decide you can trust her not to make you collateral and blow your life up with her actions, and you tell her what you feel you want her to know.

Knowledge is always power in my view, and whilst I’d love to pretend I’d take the high road like many other very sensible and rational MNers have recommended, in practice I know that did not work for me as I just couldn’t let the anger go when I felt I’d been done a number on.

That may not be sage advice, and of course you don’t want to blow up your financial future - but if he knows you two have had a conversation / are chatting it’ll shit him right up and that might be enough for you @EmmaThompsonsTears 😃

edited to add: also, just a chat with her might help her see you as human and that might be enough to stop her taking him back when she realises you and your kids lives are real.

May his next shit be a massive hedgehog.

I wanted to do this with my ex but I sat on my hands. I acted with total dignity.

I'm glad I did because it all fell apart with them months later and it was as a result of them being fundamentally incompatible rather than me being involved that caused the split. That was a win as far as I was concerned.

Are you the same poster that found out about the OW and then had to ensure a weeks holiday with your DH? If so, I was so invested in that thread and how you were handling it but I lost the post.

@EmmaThompsonsTears I do sporadically think of you and how you're getting on. How's it going? Any more shit from your awful DH?

I am! This is lovely to hear, thank you so much ❤️ it was so helpful having all the advice and support from mumsnet! Will link an update post below

That’s so kind, thank you ❤️ really appreciate all the support and thoughts! Had some low level shit from DH but nothing major. We’ve done a lot of talking and are hoping for a smooth, positive divorce and coparenting relationship - but in recent chats I’ve seen the mask of humility and sorryness starting to slip, so I’ve nipped the talks in the bud and am keeping my guard up - but not in an unfriendly way.

Here’s an update thread if you’re interested, but it’s very brief: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/divorce_separation/5364665-update-what-to-do-about-the-dog?latest=1

Oh also - thanks everyone for your very wise wisdom. I’ve not messaged OW - and if I still care once the divorce is finalised, I’ll consider it then.

someone on here told me revenge is a dish best served cold. I have no doubt they were right.

You do nothing as his income is needed for your children’s benefit.

Take the knowledge that your children will grow up one day, find out what happened, and hate him for it.