Two very young kids/empty relationship

[Peanutbutterislife]

I am so sad but DH and I have accepted that we’re actually together for the sake of our two young DCs (one is under 1). We love the idea of the family unit, our home, doing the best parts of life as a family etc., but we ultimately agreed we wouldn’t be together if it wasn’t for them (esp as they’re so young and we need each other for practical support).

DH is extremely independent, emotionally unavailable, doesn’t want any physical touch and can be pretty cold to even talk to. He’s very good as a dad and helps a lot in the home etc so practically-wise “ticks the boxes”.

I’m so sad, lonely and desperate for love. He’s 8 years older than me, I’m only early 30s. We’ve been together for 7/8 years now and I was never totally sure but I hoped and hoped and buried my gut feeling that we’re not that compatible- I’d come out of a bad time personally and he was very stable.

I’m full of energy for life and he seems the opposite and just drains me every day. We never talk about deeper things, which I really like doing, he doesn’t like exercise and I love it, he’s not healthy and I am. These problems seemed a lot smaller before our second DC and now everything is magnified. Yes I know it’s the worst time for a relationship but this is so much more than that, and we’ve even agreed that it is a fundamentally lack of compatibility. Oh and he was unfaithful during the relationship at the beginning (emotionally cheating).

but….what on EARTH do we do? I can’t fathom being a single parent to two young DCs, I’m terrified. But I am so so sad to be this age and accept no intimacy emotionally or physically and feeling this lonely and abandoned. I’ve tried and tried for 3 years to ignite something but he is so unwilling to try for longer than a few days, it all seems to get forgotten.

Please help with your stories x

@RedBeech thank you for your perspective, that’s truly very helpful. I think you’ve nailed it with regards to things I need to do for myself anyway - single or married those are important and I’ve absolutely got to look out for myself anyway. I think as the youngest gets a bit bigger (only 9mos) time might make it easier to do more.

I also totally agree with your thoughts on marriage with two pre-school age children and this I underestimated before having both of them and their demands. It’s incredibly hard. I suppose the difficulty comes with knowing where the line is drawn with regard to a functional family unit and personal happiness? Whilst we’re a good team and there are nice times, he absolutely isn’t in love with me (he’s admitted this and says he feels bad he can’t show love like he does to the children) so as a couple we’re in a bad place. I want to work at it so that I have no regrets, he is indifferent at this time. So I’m just not sure that’s enough to survive even once the children are less dependent. 😕

Open up the marriage

Or

Agree an exit strategy.

He sounds like a right bore tbh, you only get one life.

@pikkumyy77 yikes, that’s bleak when you look at it like that. But reading it a few times I think you’re most likely right. I bought into what I wanted to see, plus some love bombing at the start, and now that’s all faded away it’s become clear it’s a mismatch of this vs the reality. Gosh, the indifference and disinterest- you are so right on these things! He is just totally not engaged in me as a person, my thoughts and ideas. It’s all practical and low effort stuff that he can cope with. And I’m a huge thinker so I love a deep conversation/dreaming. So it’s stifling being in this space where that’s shut down or he gets annoyed if I try. Re the kids yes that’s true, they just accept. I’m just worried I am not strong enough for he single parent life 😣

this is harsh but you both need to just part ways! Your kids will be ok and it will be less confusing for them the sooner the better. It’ll be even more so confusing growing up and hurting for them. Trust me seen it so many times.

Coming back to this, it's uncanny how much of what you have written, and others too, is as if I'd written it myself 15 years ago. The feelings never went away, no matter how much I tried ti ignore them, put on a brave face.
I only left last year, after years of soul searching, and slowly disappearing.
Now my dc are young adults.
They have chosen to stay in the family home (students, but holidays and weekend when they come back they go 'home', not to 'mum's flat).
I wish I'd left long ago and given them two happy homes rather than have them see their parents drifting further and further apart.
It will never be easy. But doing it now gives you a chance to build a new normal.
One of my dc at blames me. Sees his dad's financial contribution to his life as more important than the years I gave them.
I can't help financially. As part of the divirce settlement I accepted less in exchznge fir their dad (high earner) taking on the cists related to uni.
If I'd left 10 years ago we would have had to share coparenting more equally, he woulw have had to step up.
Honestly, I 100% wish I had left when they were small.
You will miss them when they are at their dad's but you will be being giving them a strong, happy, determined, and self-respecting mum.
If you have family and friends around, lean on them, and be brave.
You deserve to be hapoy. And your children need to see it.

Omg, sorry for all the typos!