Two very young kids/empty relationship

[Peanutbutterislife]

I am so sad but DH and I have accepted that we’re actually together for the sake of our two young DCs (one is under 1). We love the idea of the family unit, our home, doing the best parts of life as a family etc., but we ultimately agreed we wouldn’t be together if it wasn’t for them (esp as they’re so young and we need each other for practical support).

DH is extremely independent, emotionally unavailable, doesn’t want any physical touch and can be pretty cold to even talk to. He’s very good as a dad and helps a lot in the home etc so practically-wise “ticks the boxes”.

I’m so sad, lonely and desperate for love. He’s 8 years older than me, I’m only early 30s. We’ve been together for 7/8 years now and I was never totally sure but I hoped and hoped and buried my gut feeling that we’re not that compatible- I’d come out of a bad time personally and he was very stable.

I’m full of energy for life and he seems the opposite and just drains me every day. We never talk about deeper things, which I really like doing, he doesn’t like exercise and I love it, he’s not healthy and I am. These problems seemed a lot smaller before our second DC and now everything is magnified. Yes I know it’s the worst time for a relationship but this is so much more than that, and we’ve even agreed that it is a fundamentally lack of compatibility. Oh and he was unfaithful during the relationship at the beginning (emotionally cheating).

but….what on EARTH do we do? I can’t fathom being a single parent to two young DCs, I’m terrified. But I am so so sad to be this age and accept no intimacy emotionally or physically and feeling this lonely and abandoned. I’ve tried and tried for 3 years to ignite something but he is so unwilling to try for longer than a few days, it all seems to get forgotten.

Please help with your stories x

If you both agree you’re not compatible and agree the relationship is done then you should both look to get out before that deteriorates

currently you have a good chance of separating pretty amicably and remaining good co parents. If you both stay and can’t make /don’t want to make your relationship work then you’ll likely start building resentments/affairs etc so in years to come that will be so much harder

sit down and really talk about the practicality of separation and what that looks like

where you will both live
what child arrangements will be
will he want 50:50
what are finances like - shared assets/housing etc. Will you need to sell
are you working /returning full time soon

etc etc

im a firm believer that children are not damaged by separation - they are damaged by what comes after - acrimonious parents.

so sit down and work it out together

@millymollymoomoo thank you for replying it’s much appreciated. that’s a really good point. We seemingly do get on better as friends, and when we discussed the possibility of coparenting he actually seemed happy about it. But then again we both hate the idea of what cost it comes at for the children. I am terrified of staying and being lonely/sad but terrified of it not working and what that uncertainty means for me/kids in the future. I’m from a loving stable family and so this is so sad to accept, but I do know that life isn’t always what you imagined and maybe it’s for the best.

You are right, it could easily go nasty if we are both miserable for too long and resentment sets in properly…

Hi, I could have written this except I am 13 years in to the relationship. I kind of ignored the niggles at the beginning and told myself to focus on the positives, I was being paranoid a overthinking etc. Fast forward 13 years and we are married with two kids, 11 & 8. The baby and toddler years in a way were easier on our relationship because the kids take up so much time and attention it almost deflects the issues in the relationship. Nowadays the kids are semi independent and it’s highlighted our incompatibility more. I am resentful of the years I have stayed and regrettably have sought attention elsewhere. I slept with someone else at the beginning of the year, owned up to it and we are not in a good place. Currently exploring options for separation. I genuinely think a separation now, whilst your kids are so young would be better than the ages mine are now. They won’t remember a time before and won’t know any different. In hindsight, I should have done it years ago as I feel any separation now will be far more damaging and leaving them grieving for the life they had before.
I was never in a financial position to leave as I always worked low paid jobs around his hours, but if you could manage or find a way to manage on your own then my advice is to make that change now. He won’t change, so take control is my advice x

I think you've had great advice above. Unfortunately resentment will likely build and what could have been a really positive coparent relationship will likely descend into something toxic that you don't want for your children.

If your can be friends and coparent your kids will have you both at special events, you can be flexible and supportive of each other as a family. And the kids see their mum and dad either be happy single, or in a loving relationship. You'll teach them what a loving relationship looks like or how to be happy and single. Don't teach them what an unhappy relationship looks like disguised as a healthy one.

You split, is the most sensible option. If you both stay in this relationship, it will build nothing but resentment further down the line. You are both then likely to look outside your marriage for what's missing within it. It's not fair on your children or to you both. At this point you both have recognised you are incompatible and the relationship isn't working. Your relationship as in co-parenting and being friendly is good, that hopefully will make it easier when you do separate. It's normal to feel apprehensive, and concerned for the future but you will be fine. Your children will adapt because they are very young, and if your relationship with their Dad is amicable and friendly, that will be better for them. It's better to be split and the children have two happy, stable households, than one, where their parents argue and there's a simmering atmosphere.

I could have written this. No advice but you’re not alone.

@Mumoftwojune thank you for your thoughtful
reply, that is so sad to hear and I’m really sorry you are in the situation you are. That’s a very good point regarding the distraction of younger children, I hadn’t even thought of it like that but it makes sense. We are so incredibly busy right now that we have about 1hr max time not parenting in the day, we watch tele and I go to bed at 9. If we had a day solo together I know it’d probably mean doing separate things or me forcing us to go for a walk and it being clear he would have preferred to be on his PlayStation.

If you don’t mind me asking, what did you try in an attempt to repair things over the years? Did you find yourself doing the leg work to keep it okay? Were you intimate? Hope that’s not too invasive to ask! But curious as tbh I don’t even feel like I’d want to DTD because of the way he is - and we were never right in that respect, just something else I ignored at the beginning sadly.

My hope is that it changes for the better but wondering if that’s what has kept me here for so long.
Hope you are okay 💐

@mulberrybag5 really sorry you’re having this experience too. It’s incredibly hard to be living this reality esp with young children and their demands. Sometimes I wonder what on earth has happened and how I got here, but I know it was a pursuit of love and security which is sad, it’s what everyone deserves 😔

OP, sorry to hear you are struggling. My advice would be, don’t rush into a decision if there’s a chance to save your marriage. Men can express emotions very differently from women and it doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t care about or love you. Keep exploring how you can best support each other. Reflect on what first attracted you to him and vice versa. Then act - but only if you are really sure.

You can give each other space and do different things, and still have a functional family unit. Young children close together in age are incredibly demanding. I can relate to a lot of your experience. At this stage, in my case, we both needed time off separately in our different ways to relax (eg walking/computer games) whatever works. We get on much better now.

I could have written a lot of your post, OP, but in my case there is also intermittent emotional abuse and just one child.
My advice would be to try (as difficult as it is) to really look inwards instead of externally for the answers you are seeking. Try to tune in to what your body and heart are telling you, rather than hoping that someone on Mumsnet can give you the answers (I have totally done this, sometimes A LOT, so I'm absolutely not judging you) because you will find that you already know what to do. Imagine yourself in 5 years time in different scenarios -if nothing changes, if you make certain changes, if you leave completely etc. and consider the consequences of all of those options. When I did this, I realised the answer was clear and then I only had to work out the HOW. Still not easy, but easier that when all possibilities are still on the table. Good luck!

This is arguably the easiest time for you to separate, for the children.

They will grow up with two happy, loving parents who are being true to themselves. That's all they need.

Be brave. It will be tough at times but if you have a good support network around you it will be fine.

However it will be soul destroying if you stay.

I’d point out too OP, that he won’t ever make the hard decision, you’ll have to. He’ll be happy to stay as is, with a live-in cleaner and nanny, having been given, in his mind, the go ahead to shag about.

@BookArt55 @Sassybooklover thank you both for that though regarding timing and resentment. It is true that currently we’re in an amicable place; in the sense that beyond the arguing we still respect one another. I do worry that older children will really sense the disconnect and see eye rolling etc which is soooo unhealthy. Our tiny one wouldn’t even remember us together (heartbreaking but true). likely the best chance of good co-parenting where it’s not tit for tat which is crucial for children who are sadly in the middle. Ahhhh goodness me this is so hard. Thank you again!

@Nevernotrenovating thank you for your perspective! That’s really true as well. It’s what makes it feel like an impossible decision at this time, I’m wondering what we’d both feel like if we could rejuvenate by doing our own thing but at the moment we just can’t get much space from it all bc of baby and toddler. That’s great you managed to improve things over time. How long would you say the rough patch lasted and did you have to have the tough conversations? I’m just concerned that what attracted us to each other were versions of ourselves that just don’t exist anymore- we’ve both evolved in opposite directions. And we have zero intimacy so unsure how on earth that comes back - we’ve never been great in that area as it was let alone now. Really torn.

@Babysteps123 aw thank you, you’re soooo right re the internal gut feeling and seeking reassurance (which I do for everything!!!). I think it’s because I haven’t opened up to anyone except my mum fully, and all my friends are seemingly in good relationships and I haven’t come close to hearing anything as serious from them in terms of problems. It’s hard because from the outside we’re a good couple, lovely little family so to break that image is hard as well - even though that sounds shallow.
sorry to hear you struggled with emotional abuse that’s awful. And well done for listening to yourself over anything else. Did you find that helped you when you made your choice, as I’m sure there’s always moments of extreme panic and maybe regret?

@Peanutbutterislife that is tough. For us, we do not talk over emotions, we have many differences, I think we probably both let each other down in the past. We’ve been married 12 years and there was probably a low point 3 years ago. This lasted about a year. After some awful arguments, I decided the only person who I can have any control over is myself, so I kind of made it a priority to focus on how I respond to situations. To help solve the problems in my marriage I spent time listening to podcasts reflecting some personal interests (theology in my case) which helped with some internal growth. I then had more resilience and self assurance, which helped me with conflict resolution. However- that’s only a solution if the other person wants to commit to the marriage. The lack of intimacy, worrying if it’s completely gone, but in my opinion normal to go through times when it happens less (for all kinds of reasons). Certainly I recommend some self care, sounds like you are doing a lot of coping on your own.

@Peanutbutterislife positives in your situation is, you are amicable and both on the same page and i don’t sense great deal of animosity between you. That is a very good starting position, regardless of what the outcome will be eventually.

You could i suppose give it a try and go for couples counselling, if he is onboard with that. No harm to do that and relationship might improve although you both will have to change, adjust your behaviour and expectations.

If resentment is there and deep seated though, i would see a separation as a good way forward too. You have already sooken about it, hopefully there would be minimal amount of drama and you both could coparent quite happily as well as have a chance to find a more suitable partner at some point.

Me and my ex were a bit like that, although we had blazing rows and i deeply resented him when we were married, we also knew we wanted best for our kids and were not going to nuke each other lives during divorce. It was hard though and we had rows during divorce but overall we separated on good terms and are now successfully coparenting our 2 kids. They are fine and definitely not damaged, i think they would have been more damaged if we stayed together.

Your kids are young, they will be totally fine, i know it’s hard to believe that but they will be. It sounds like you have main ingredient - amicable disposition towards each other- for that to happen. Also, you are very young still and have plenty of time to meet someone else if you wish.

Do you think there is a way to mend yoir relationship or differences are just too great?

I could have written this myself. My partner is a “good guy” but the lack of intimacy and even just like compassion in the relationship is killing me. At this point I think even if he started putting all of the effort in I wouldn’t respond because it feels past that point. Like you say, me and my partner are entirely different people to the people we were when we got together, and we also had intimacy issues from the beginning but I was always in toxic relationships prior and was just happy to be with a “good guy” so I ignored all the warning signs. What scares me is the reality of separation. The selling the house, moving out, less time with my son. All of that breaks my heart but I don’t want my son growing up in a house where his parents can’t even touch each other. But then I feel selfish because I’m like oh well am I doing this just so I can feel desired? Isn’t that selfish, shouldn’t I prioritise my family and just “put up and shut up”. It’s heartbreaking and like you my parents are still together so my brain can’t comprehend the idea of bringing my son up across two households. Honestly at this stage if I found out my partner was having an affair I would be thrilled. I know that’s a very unhealthy thing to want which is why I know deep down this is done.. Also breaks my heart to think my boy will never have a sibling. No advice unfortunately just solidarity and sending love 💐

@BeenThereBackThen thank you for your reply. I’m so glad you managed to separate amicably with your ex, and that your children are fine - that’s all you want really isn’t it. Can I ask, how have you managed the co-parenting schedule and do you have much time on your own (without the children). That’s what I’d be scared about, mine are so tiny still. I’m not sure if it’s salvageable long term, I think we are both unhappy and unfulfilled in this relationship, when you take the family unit element away (if that’s makes sense).💔

@notthebride wow we are pretty much in the same boat aren’t we 😣. It’s soooo horrible to consider the alternative, for the children especially it seems impossible. I’m also terrified of being alone, both in terms of being single but also time apart from my two tiny children. Horrendous. Didn’t ever imagine I’d be contemplating this but I suppose this is what happens when you bury doubts earlier on? I keep looking at other people and wondering why on earth I got myself here, when it feels like they all managed to meet “their person” - ironically that’s all I ever wanted I’m a complete romantic. And yet I sold myself short in every way here. Although I do love my babies beyond words and they are at least the product of my error in settling in my love life. I’m 100% with you, it seems so selfish to just want to have love from someone and blow this all up. But if we’re young then it’s horrible to accept this is the extent of our relationship forever? Honestly what a hideous place to be? Sending hugs 💔

We are very flexible with who is staying where and when, there are no set days. We never had a formal agreement around that. If we have things on, we message each other and fit kids stays around each other’s schedules. When me and kids went away for 2 days last year my ex popped round to look after my cat too. I know it’s a bit of an unusual arrangement and I count myself lucky that this is what i have.

Overall, i have free time, exact number of days during the week may vary but it’s enough for me to have a new relationship and be able to spend time with the new person. Your kids are still young and you might find they will need you more but kids grow up, that won’t last forever. Or are you worried they will be away too much?

I think these things will fall into places eventually. It’s the fear of the unknown that is stiffling. You have to trust things will work out and i think we adapt to all sorts of situations. You have a good chance of making coparenting work just fine between the two of you.

I totally get the lack of fulfillment when taking family unit element out of the equation. I would think about having to spend the rest of my life with exH (after kids have flown the nest) and that would make me dread it and the lonelyness it would entail.

My advice would be:
First make sure you never hope to rely on him for things he won't provide. You like deep emotional discussions - find friends or relatives who do too and try to meet up at least once a week, with a phone or zoom chat in between so that essential need is met.

Same with fitness. Don't let yours slide because he doesn't care. You say he is good with DC, so he can take care of them while you go to a couple of fitness classes or running or gym every week.

Then...don't undervalue what you do have. People - especially on MN - seem to think romantic love is the most essential aspect of a marriage. But I think, when you have DC, being compatible parents is just as, if not more, important. So build on that and value it as a really strong shared bond in your marriage. Have lots of fun as a family. Maybe discuss finding some new projects together as a family.

Also, it is easy to remember all the doubts you have always had about a relationship when DC are small. Instead, try and remember all the reasons you both chose each other - focus on all the common ground - shared interests or humour, favourite places etc. Rekindle all the best bits of what you had before becoming parents.

The percentage of couples who feel compatible when they have more than one child under school age must be in single figures. If you are really strong together as parents, give it a chance and lots of effort.

I agree with this....young children cope better than you think...just remember to be loving co parents....you both have a hopefully long life to live...and will with time find love again....wishing you a happy future x

A family with one parent whether by divorce, bereavement or choice is still a family. It’s love, fun and security children need. There’s plenty of 2 parent families with one workaholic where dc get less input from that parent than ones who have 2 involved coparents.

Society makes us feel we should shame or failure but many relationships have a shelf life and we should just accept that as part of normal human experience. once you’ve announced the news people are less bothered than you may imagine as it is so common.

My dc have done no less well than friends dc with 2 live in parents that hasn’t been any protective factor from the trials of modern life for young people. They’ve all had ups and downs.

You can’t repair this relationship because its not broken. This is who he is. You mistook his fundamental disinterest for calm stability, his silence for manly taciturnity rather than indifference. You poured yourself into a fantasy relationship with someone who looked like what you wanted but who was very much not that person.

Get out now while your children are still young and they will readily accept co-parenting as the norm.