STBXH has instructed solicitor

[Nootnoot1]

Hi all, any advice would be appreciated. I'm divorcing my husband, it was my idea. I was hoping to do things amicably with him. I told him to get an hours legal advice to see what he was entitled to financially and I would do the same. But he's now instructed a solicitor. I can't afford to instruct. I work part time, he's full, on a much higher salary than me. I don't know what to do now.

For now at least, you don't need a solicitor. It is perfectly easy and simple to handle your divorce through the gov.uk portal.

Have you applied yet or has he? You'll probably want a solicitor for the financial order though you can submit the forms yourself but you would need to do a fair amount of research first. If you agree how to split finances it's quite easy to just get a solicitor that just handles these types of cases and are cheap and a fixed cost. I got mine sorted for £599 including a pension order.

If you can't agree the split it becomes more tricky so you have to have mediation. If mediation doesn't solve it then you need to go via the courts and get them to make the decision. That's when it starts to get expensive because you'll be paying a solicitor by the hour for every email etc they send/write for you.

First step is to apply for the divorce, only one of you can apply it is then sent to the spouse and they have 2 weeks to agree that they are in and that it is a joint application. If they don't respond within the two weeks it will go ahead but solely in your name (or his if he applied and you ignored it).

You then have to wait 6 months so have time to talk finances. Once the 6 months is up you need to put your financial order in. Once that is rubber stamped by the court you can apply for the final order which takes 24 hours - unless you have pension sharing as part of your financial order. In that case you have to wait 2 weeks between the financial order and applying for the final order as pension companies are given 2 weeks to acknowledge the pension sharing order and should your spouse happen to die in the 2 weeks post financial order you might not get the pension given to you.

I hope that helps.

Whatever you do, do NOT pay a solicitor to submit your divorce via the gov.uk website. A trained monkey could do it is that's simple. It's a complete rip off solicitors charging £1,000+ when you can do it in about 5 mins yourself for £593.

Thanks for the response. I have already filed for divorce back in March, we have only just started talking about the finances. I was hoping to only use a solicitor to draft up the consent order. I have done a lot of research and read all the Advice Now guides.

Can you have a talk to discuss how you're going to split it? If your marriage is more than a few years old then it's likely to be approx 50/50 unless there is a good reason as to why it should be different. Courts want to make sure it is fair and that each party can afford to live, neither being left destitute.

Do you have children?

I guess you'll have to see what his solicitor suggests as the split and see if you agree and then make a decision.

What are the marital assets?

50/50 equity split on house and pension share. That's the default.

He no longer wants to talk to me, he just responds with "talk to my solicitor".

We have two young children together. We jointly own the house. Married 5.5 years.

Just because he has instructed a solicitor doesn’t mean you have to

wait to see their proposal and go from
there

if you know the assets and earnings you can keep costs low. He won’t most likely be expected to subsidise you remaining part time

Thank you. I don't plan on instructing, I can't afford to anyway. I know the assets and earnings.

I'm not sure why this is a surprise. You're the one wanting the divorce. He's responding the way women are advised to on here. He got a solicitor and his proverbial ducks in a row.

This is a new reality for everyone, and he is no longer your friend. It's not nice, but divorce rarely is.

You need to instruct a solicitor. If you don't, you risk having your ex run rings around you. False economy not to have one expkain what you're entitled to.

They should teach this kind of thing in school instead of RE.

I guess I thought we could be amicable for the kids. I wasn't going to fight him, I just want what's fair for the both of us. He was a nice guy.

I’d wait and see what he offers. If it seems fair fine. If not instruct a solicitor. Are you sure you know all the assets? There could be hidden pensions etc?

It is part of The Script. "Amicable" means he doesn't want you to upset him whie he safeguards assets.

Why not suggest, since you're still married, that you both instruct a solicitor and pay for it out of current marital assets? His response to that will give you a clear indication on whether his intention is to be fair or not.

The fact that he gets to consult and use a solicitor and you don't is a clear indication that he's not interested in fairness atbthis point.

I didn’t use a solicitor I got bits of advice as and when needed from a direct access barrister. Until you have all form E disclosure, filled in any gaps via questionnaires and got or want to make an offer / got to FDR stage then there’s no need. It’s better value to get advice once you have all the info and a decision has to to be made. You need to read the Family Justice council guidance on finances and the good practice protocol on financial remedies court website. It’s definitely worth getting advice before you agree an offer to check you haven’t missed anything. You definitely don’t need one on an ongoing basis but be prepared some solicitors will be very be forceful to be seen to be earning their money but don’t be put off by this.

He's already said he just "wants what's his", so evidently not.

A man's idea of " what's his" is not to be trusted. He's been earning full-time wages while you've been part-timing. He may very well think he's been subsidising your life-style all these years, and that should reflect in the settlement.

My ex was a three-timing ass, but he agreed to us both having a solicitor paid for out of joint assets to ensure the split was fair. If your STBX thinks it is fair that he gets funded legal advice but won't agree to the same for you, he has no.intention of being fair going forward.

I tried telling him that the only "winners" will be the solicitors. I did ask if he would "pay" for me to instruct but he just laughed at me. I know he won't be fair now.

Don’t get drawn into the concept of winning or losing / that will cost you

its a business negotiation that both parties are trying to cone out with the best deal they can - that doesn’t necessarily mean either you are nasty or selfish.

be fair and realistic- eg expecting massive split in your favour or spousal if he’s not massive earner or him to pay you to keep the house ( or whatever is relevant to your circumstances) will cost loads in fees too.

you can be a litigant in person - many people are or just use a solicitor for some things while doing the rest yourself .

you’ve had a relatively short marriage ( how long cohabiting?) and two young children mean not out of workplace o very long or pt for decades. Equally, priority will be to ensure they are housed

I must admit, I thought that each party paid for their own legal advice. Otherwise, one could choose a local town based general solicitor and one could go for a City SHL? I guess if all was amicable, you work out all the details together, then have a solicitor draw up the financial agreement. The only time you need separate solicitors is to prove to the court that you’ve taken independent legal advice?

This is what I wanted but he went straight to the sols and instructed. He's probably gone for an expensive one too as he drove a long way to meet them face to face.

The fact that he instructed a solicitor isn’t a sign he wants to be acrimonious. The fact that he doesn’t want to do informal negotiations with you isn’t a sign he wants to be acrimonious either. Sometimes it is best to negotiate in a neutral setting which is what 3rd party mediation is there for.

From what you have posted I would take it as a sign he doesn’t want to discuss things directly with you in the way you want. Nor does he want to act on your direction on how to get legal advice.

From what you have posted you have gotten way ahead of yourself in making assumptions on how he would want to act. He has to accept your decision to split. He doesn’t need to act on all the other things you have decided should happen next. What he does is his business and how he does it is his business.

It sounds like the next step for you both is mediation. This is where finances can begin to be disclosed and agreed and then you can look at the best and fairest way to split them. If you can’t agree things there then you move to have things decided for you in court.

Everything he is doing is sensible and rational. He has found a solicitor who he will pay to do what he thinks is best for him. That means you will most likely be dealing with an informed and objective third party. This is likely to make things more amicable rather than less. If he listens to his solicitor he is more likely to make reasonable and appropriate offers and more likely to accept a reasonable offer.

You need a solicitor too. I put the cost of mine against the house. That way it was in my exes interest to keep the costs down as it was in fact devaluing the amount he would get too.

Do you know what the next steps might be, will the sols suggest mediation next or go straight into an offer of settlement?