Blindsided by husband leaving

[Lostandtired]

2 weeks ago my husband told me he is leaving me. We’ve only been married for 8 months but together for 12 years. I don’t even know how to feel. It’s like I’m grieving. The future I thought we were building together has been taken away in a split second. He said he’s been feeling like this for a long time and has apparently been speaking to a therapist about it (but not to me).

We own a home together, have cats, a dog and a 1 year old child. I was aware things had been hard, our wee one is so active and takes a lot of my energy (not complaining - he is the best thing) but honestly I thought that was pretty normal.

All he has really said is that he doesn’t think of me ‘like that’ anymore. He claims he hasn’t met anyone else but for the last few months he has been trying to lose weight, has started dressing differently and has been spending a lot of time and money on his appearance. I didn’t think too much of it as it was happening but now I feel like a total idiot for not questioning anything before now.

Neither of us can afford our house by ourselves so we will need to sell it. He’s decided he is taking the dog and as I will be technically homeless I can’t even argue with him on that (I do have family I can stay with temporarily while I sort housing for myself and my son but can’t really bring animals into that situation).

I just feel so lost. I no longer know what my future will be. The life I thought I was building has totally changed. I didn’t picture being a single mum and though he has said he wants to be part of our sons life, he is hardly present as it is so I don’t know what that will look like either.

He told me he felt like this before I got pregnant (planned pregnancy, not a surprise). While I will never regret having my boy, I just don’t understand why he has allowed me to think we were building a family together if that’s not what he wanted.

I don’t really have anyone to speak to. My friends were all just the partners of his friends so I have lost them all too. My family are upset for me and it’s hard to talk to them without worrying them more.

I feel like he has made a massive decision about my life without any say from me and that’s making it hard to accept what’s happening. Dealing with the practicalities is keeping me going just now (looking after my son, contacting solicitors, packing belongings etc) but I know once all the main things have been dealt with I will be left with trying to rebuild my life and I can’t picture what that’s going to be like.

Just wondering if anyone has been through something similar and can tell me what life is like on the other side of this.

I haven't been through this but wanted to say I'm really sorry and I really hope you find strength. 💐

Im so sorry this is happening to you, your world has just been turned upside down with no warning. My first thought is, if he is leaving you, I don’t see why you and your dc should end up homeless and living with family. Surely he should either move out and cover the rent or agree to pay the rent on a one-bed for you? I’d check with a solicitor before you move out to confirm your rights. I believe he’s obliged to support you financially. You are married and you’ve just had his child!

Secondly i do think he’s either met someone or is trying to meet someone, from everything you say. My DH was worn out, put on weight and certainly was not thinking about looking his best after we had our first baby!

Don’t worry about upsetting your family. Right now you need their support, let them deal with their own upset (as a mum, I would be outraged if this was my DD!). If you find their emotions too much, be honest and tell them you need their support but it’s making it harder for you. I would hope they’ll understand and tone it down in front of you.

Join a baby / toddler group asap and make some new friends. Plenty of new mums are looking for friends with babies the same age! Baby mums are the best, you might make some of your best lifelong friends.

Men can be such selfish tw*ts. I hope you and your dc end up living your best life without him.

This screams other woman to me OP. Either way, what a selfish and immature asshole.

I'm so sorry. I agree with PP, I'm not sure you should be moving out. Do get advice.

I am very sorry this has happened to you. You must fight for both your DC and your futures. There is probably an OW somewhere so fight for your home. Do not let him decide things. Do not start packing belongs before getting advice.

Without him knowing, you must sort out all the mortgage, bank, salary, pensions papers etc and find a solicitor. Phone round to find one you like the sound of. I believe you can have half an hour free so you can see which one is suitable for you.

Don’t agree to anything he says, better deal with things through texts and take copies.

I’m sorry this is happening

as op said why are you packing up? He has gone and the house is owned - why move? Stay put until you’ve decided what happens

he needs to start paying 15% of his net income in maintenance and you may be eligible for UC go in entitled 2 and check that out. Also if you stay in the property you get 25% of the council tax if you both leave you need to pay 100%

it would seem as if there is someone else and he is rewriting history, cowardly specimen that he is.

Sorry I thought he was homeless

he wants to break up - he can leave, he doesn’t get to kick you out of your home and make his child homeless

🤦‍♀️ what a shite head he is

he needs to pack and leave

I'm so sorry @Lostandtired

There will be another woman somewhere, I'm afraid.

This is awful of your husband, doing such a thing just after you've had a baby.

There are many women who've been through this, and they somehow get through to the other side in the end.

Please, please don't move out of your house BTW.
If you own it, you're entitled to stay with your DS.

Don't let yourself become homeless.

Kick your cheating husband out.

www.entitledto.co.uk

Hi OP. I’m going through a very similar thing (I’ve posted on it a couple of times to try and make sense).

There is another woman in my case. I didn’t notice the gym etc (although I can now see he has lost weight). But he had become a lot colder and distant in the last couple of months. He is with her now.

I’m so sorry to hear about how blindsided you are feeling - I’ve been going through the exact same emotions. I just can’t understand how he thought it was ok to tip my life upside down overnight. I can’t believe he would treat me so cruelly and heartlessly. He was in my life everyday for over a decade and suddenly that is no more. It is incomprehensibly heartless.

Of course I know that no one is required to stay in a relationship where they are not happy. But I can’t understand why he wouldn’t work things through with me - apparently he was thinking about it for ages but at no point did he bring me in on that conversation- at least we could have had time to process things and possibly end things amicably. But he went for the nuclear option.

It just doesn’t make sense. I don’t understand how men can just switch like that.

Sending you a virtual hug and handhold. It’s so shit xx

Whether there is another woman or not (but I'd lay good money there is), he is no longer your friend. Get legal advice and make sure you do what's best for you and your son.

You shouldn’t be moving out now or selling the house. You may need to ultimately buy you shouldn’t be doing anything until you’ve reached a financial settlement. Until then you’re staying put. If necessary put in a claim for maintenance pending suit if he’s starting to not give money or pay his share of bills and mortgage.

there’s no automatic I’m right to stay until child is 18 and he is obligated to house you but you have a very young child and the claw and courts will prioritise housing your child in any divorce settlement

also start to think about what child access looks like - which may need to change in time as your child is young. Then put in the claim with cms to reflect that arrangement

are you working or returning to work? If so what arrangements are there for your child ? Make sure he knows that he’s got to help with that too - else you need spousal maintenance for a few years

look at universal credit etc and put a claim in if you’re eligible to

its early days for you. Emotions will be raw. Your child is young and your world ripped apart. Be gentle on yourself but start with the practicals. Take legal advice before anything and if you can start gathering information -salaries, pensions, mortgage, loans, etc etc

How are you today @Lostandtired?

Thank you all for your comments and advice. I have contacted a solicitor and had an initial discussion.

Just to explain, I am not leaving the house just yet but it will definitely need to be sold so I have started packing what I can so it is ready to go on the market when the time comes.

I work full time (went back to work when my son was 7 months old out of necessity) but I have fairly significant debt built up over the last few years (husband was out of work for a while when I was on mat leave and I was left covering for that, also took out a large loan to cover part of the wedding, along with some poor financial decisions) so selling the house will hopefully allow me to clear my feet a bit but I won’t be left with much and my credit rating is too poor to get a mortgage myself just now.

@LovelessActually i am so sorry you are going through something similar. It’s so utterly devastating. I hope you are coping ok. I don’t know about you, but I feel like I am now questioning the last 12 years of my life. Did I ever really know him?! Certainly doesn’t feel like it. I could never have imagined him treating me like this. It’s like he’s having some kind of early midlife crisis and I am just collateral damage.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne I am exhausted to be honest. Not really had the chance to work out how I feel yet. Seems to change every minute (hurt, sad, angry, confused…the list goes on). Thanks for asking though. ❤️

The debt is not your fault, he was out of work, he owns half of all the debts at least.
Does he work now? He should be paying his half towards the your DS’s shelter and food.
Take care of yourself.

@Lostandtiredin my case my DH’s actions seem like a massive example of small behaviours I know he is capable of (acting the victim, selfishness, narcissism, anger, failing to put things into perspective or take accountability - although nothing so bad that I wasn’t willing to work it). So although blindsided I’m not totally surprised. I didn’t see him cheating though. It is definitely a mid life crisis! What upsets me is that he will get past this mid life crisis and most likely learn some lessons and correct these behaviours - but by then he will have a new life and so the other woman will get my new and improved DH, a guy he wasn’t prepared to be for me or our children.

The debts are definitely not all yours!

You will be fine. You sound strong and I know that you are exhausted and shocked right now but you will look back and be relieved he is not part of your life any more.
Extremely likely he’s decided he doesn’t enjoy the reality of parenting and working so has decided he ‘deserves’ his fun with someone else and you/your marriage are responsible for bringing him down.
You have a much loved child, a job, a family. He only has his unrealistic expectations of life.
Remember you will get an actual break if he does the usual bare minimum of every other weekend.
I am on my own with the children and I love it.

Almost exactly the same thing happened to me when my husband blindsided me a few months ago - my son is nearly six months old. I still can’t make any sense of what happened and it’s so hard to accept how much life has changed without me wanting it to.

I’m so sorry this is also happening to you - it is so incredibly painful.

Let me know if you’d like to speak x

That’s awful. It must be so hard with your little one being so young too. How are you doing now?

I don’t feel like things are getting any easier yet. I had taken a few weeks off work initially but have had to go back because I can’t afford to not get paid. I feel like every day is a bit of a struggle just now. Just trying to do what’s best for my boy. The dog will also now be staying with my son so I have the responsibility of him too.

We’re still both in the house at the moment, ex has done nothing to help with getting it ready to sell. He just swans in and out as he feels like. Stays out in the evenings spending time with whoever. He still denies there is someone else but that seems doubtful. He’s taken hardly anything to do with our son and hasn’t even walked the dog for over a month.

I’m knackered, working full time, clearing the house, looking after the wee one and dog.

Separation agreement has been signed so it’s ‘official’ now I suppose. Still feel like I am living in a bad dream.

What a horrible situation for you @Lostandtired

He needs to go OP. He can't bung a hand grenade into the relationship like that and just expect to still be living there, swanning about 😡, who does he think he is!

You can't begin to heal and recover from this with him still living there. Has he got friends or family he can stay with. He should be the one to leave as this was his decision. He sounds dreadful.

I’m so sorry a similar thing is also happening to you - and I understand the exhaustion of baby and dog when you’re the only invested adult! Are you still living together now? Do you have any family support you can rely on?

I agree it sounds likely there is somebody else (as was the case for my husband) - it truly is a horrendous thing to go through. We will both get through this for our little boys and come out the other side much stronger.

Im so sorry OP. I was blindsided after 13 years and it was devastating. Sending a big hug.

There's got to be another woman in my view.

Stay in the house at least for now and keep the dog with you if that's what you want. He does not get to call all the shots x

Have you read the script? They rewrite history but it’s not true just trying to make excuses so they seem like a good guy.
im so sorry you’re going through this- glad you’ve got some legal advice.

How are you getting on now OP?