Partner joking about having sole custody

[RuddersLynds]

Hello, my partner has came home after work and randomly brought up saying if we were to break up he would go to court and take sole custody of our toddler as he earns more (he’s full time 40hrs plus and I work two days a week so I can be with the little one 3 days a week instead of nursery 5 days).

he was acting a bit jokey and nothing has happened between us for us to even think of breaking up. But got me thinking, why has he thought this 😩 something gotta made him think this. Two of his mates recently became single within the last year.

then we got into a bit of a heated discussion about it all say I said I’m the primary care provider and he said he never got the option to be it as he earns more and the house is in his name. He would refuse for our daughter to live at my mums (her dog has bitten my nieces, they are ok) and would refuse to let us stay at my sisters (them two got into a bit of an argument last year).

he’s literally since not dropped this and keeps saying he’s gonna have sole custody.

like wtf. I just need to get this out and what advice you may have 😩

Start getting your ducks in a row. I would have dismissed it as flippant if he had just mentioned it once, but to keep going on about it. Drop the argument with him but make sure you have things in place. Also he wouldn't be able to work 40 hours and look after a child, what a prick. House in his name? Are you married? Can you increase your earnings? You sound in a very vulnerable financial position and I would go about rectifying that asap! I would tell him to work part time and go full time myself and reverse the roles so you can earn more and be less vulnerable.And don't pay his mortgage for him!!!

I wouldn’t be happy with my child being around a dog that has already bitten children.

Yep, you need to look at how secure your position is and it's not sounding good.

Well for starters, if you separate he will have absolutely NO say over where you stay/live but you mustn’t ever leave the child and dog unsupervised. And no court would ever grant him sole custody so don’t stress about that either.

Of course he’d be able to look after a child and work 40 hours a week, that’s what parents who work full-time do! He’d just have to make use of childcare.

He’d get 50/50 tops unless you’re not in the UK.

I wouldn’t allow you to take my kid to your mum’s either but he can’t veto your sister unless there’s a drip feed like she’s on the sex offender’s register or something.

This is a red flag and I think that you need to discreetly have a plan if it does happen. It is a shame that you’re not on the deed of the house (did he plan that based on this scenario or is it his house ?) Assuming that you’re not paying the mortgage (as you’re not on the deeds), start saving hard. You need a fund just in case the shit hits the fan.

What a nasty thing for him to threaten you with. He seems to want to make you believe that you'd be in a weak position if you separated. Almost as if he wants to be free to behave as he wants while you feel trapped.

Wisely custody is not based on income. The higher earner doesn’t get more time with dc. Ignore him he absolutely will not get full /sole custody. Or challenge him as to what exactly does he think he does that would merit you having less custody and him having more? At best for him it will be 50/50 unless there is some history of abuse of children by you. He seems to be trying to intimidate you. My ex also told me he would have sole custody…this from a guy who had literally never spent 4 hrs alone with dc. Someone from his religious group (a female) was advising him all sorts of things. All wrong of course

Yes I suppose you are right, I guess I was thinking of my husbands job, he works away from home Monday to Friday so there is no way he would be able to do his job and look after our children if I dropped dead or whatever. ( I do work as well and we use childcare).

He said it would fall in his favour because about 13 years ago I had depression (absolutely fine now and have been for 13 years). And because I wouldn’t be able to care of our toddler on my part time wage and I wouldn’t have anywhere to go.

The house is in this name and he was planning on putting me in the mortgage in 2 years when our fix interest ends. But yeah this is made me think red flag as it literally came out of no where. She’s my absolute world 😭.

He has also not spent like more than 3/4hrs with her too. When he’s home he spends like 10mins at a time with her and then brings her back to me. I said this to him yesterday and he said it’s because he works 40hrs plus and he’s tired 🙄.

What a horrible person he is to even say this to you. Tell him straight that your child needs two parents, not one, and that he should start reading up chuck - the most he would get is 50/50 regardless of his earnings and house - and yes I worked in family court for years. He would also have no say where you lived , provided you remain in the same geographical location and didn’t move counties.

tell him all this and tell him to shut his beak. What a nasty man. I would actively plan to leave now if I was you. He is showing you his hand here and trying to scare you into obeying his every whim.

edited to say - just laugh when he mentions your depression from past. Mental health is everywhere and lots of good parents have suffered with this, so he is pissing in the wind with that one.

I would tell him the most he would get would be 50/50. I would then wait until he goes out, pack your bags and leave, and take dd with you.

he wants out of the relationship, get in there first.

Why wouldn’t you leave anyway - he’s a SHIT DAD. He only spends 10 minutes with her !

ffs, expect more. This shouldn’t be your life.

go to your mums.

He hasn’t “randomly” come in and said this. It’s his opening salvo. It’s a clumsy way of telling you that the relationship is over and he’s going to be difficult about access to your DD - he wants you out of his life but not her. Don’t hang around to see how it plays out. Move out asap.

she definitely should NOT go to her mums if her mum has a dog that bites children. Then he really would have a case for full custody if she knowingly put her child in that vulnerable dangerous position.

But you should definitely get your ducks in a row OP and make an exit plan as it sounds like you’re in a very vulnerable position financially right now, and he sounds like a complete dickhead who is potentially thinking about ending it anyway, or if he’s not, he is for some reason making you feel on edge, which indicates major red flags.

If you are not married you are in a weaker position. Please start putting your ducks in a row.
Start by preparing to earn more, both a better paid job and more hours.
I would also be talking to your Mum, her dog sounds like a risk which does need to be taken more seriously. And it’s not a safe place for your child.
Make sure important and precious things are stored outside the home (this is something you could do at your Mum’s).

Wow, that’s a way to throw a grenade into your marriage. That’s so shit in many levels because not only has he threatened your sense of security now, he is undermining massively what you do in looking after your DC. He is overlooking and/or dismissing the fact that he can only work forty hours a week in his better paid job and then have the luxury of being too tired to look after DC because you do it, and I am going to bet that you are doing all the housework as well. Like, your earning potential and leisure time is taken up by the childcare and domestic work allowing him to concentrate on his job and rest.
But when I am writing this, I think that arguing about why he won’t get residency is a waste of energy. Sole custody is not a thing in the U.K. I have been to court and when my ex brought up mental health issues, he was given short shrift and told that even if they were an issue, he should be supporting me. He got way less contact than he was asking for and the judge did not even question residency with me. But it’s a pointless exercise arguing about a situation which has not arisen yet, it simply creates fear in you. You are essentially starting to litigate a divorce you have not got to when the marriage, as far as you were aware, was not in trouble.
Far more to the point is to try and get to what is behind these comments. A charitable explanation is that he is scared because he has seen his friends go through this process. It is a horrible and difficult process and if men have not been the primary carer, then all the reasons they have not been the primary carer do put them in a weaker position for childcare (and a stronger position in earning potential). How realistic is this scenario where you split up in his mind and why is he fixating on it? I would want to know that. I would also be pointing out that he is devaluing what I do now for the family.
And I do agree with the other posters that I would be looking at my own position, particularly if you cannot have a constructive conversation about where this has come from and your relative contributions to the family which reassures you.

Edited to add: I just realised you are not married as well as not being on the house. Then you definitely need to look at ensuring your own financial security. You would probably be able to get some kind of universal credit but it would also be important to up your hours at work.

You’re right to be alarmed—this isn’t just a random comment. Even said in a “jokey” way, threatening sole custody is controlling and emotionally manipulative. It’s not about your parenting or your love for your child—it’s about power.
You’re your child’s primary caregiver. Courts look at care, not income. The idea that he’d automatically “win” because he earns more or owns the house is simply false. He doesn’t get to weaponise that against you.
Document everything. Quietly start keeping a record of what’s said and when. If this escalates—or even if it doesn’t—it’s important to have your own financial and legal plan in place. You don’t need to make a big move yet, but knowledge is power.
This kind of talk—especially unprovoked—can be a red flag for deeper issues around control, resentment, or influence from others (like his newly single mates). Don’t dismiss your gut. You’re not overreacting. You're being smart and protective.

Has he always been a nasty prick or is this recent?

I wouldn’t want her at your mums if she has dogs that attack children. You would be putting your child in danger and I would do anything I could do stop that. However he shouldn’t be threatening full custody. Make note of his threats and get ready to leave. I would apply for some kind of housing elsewhere.

Why do women get themselves is such a vulnerable financial position, never mind his comments on custody or not what would you do financially and where would live if it all goes wrong?

Do they need to add this as another school topic? (Not a genuine suggestion but time and time again women ignore logic)

50/50 is the starting point and there is no reason whatsoever for him not to be granted this. Are you able to house your child or not? Because he is. Bear that in mind.

The treatment for depression 13 years ago (or even recently to be honest) is irrelevant.

And I agree with a pp - next time he starts spouting off about this tell him to shut his beak before you shut it for him (joke, I'd never advocate punching a twat in the mouth 😉)

I do agree with him about the dogs though.

I’m seeing this differently to other posters I think, I don’t think he’s thinking of ending your relationship. I’d wager that he’s seen his friends’ relationships ending as you mentioned, felt a bit anxious about it happening to him, and he is using the threat of your access to your own child as a way to make you too afraid to leave him.

This of course would mean that he’s terrible, and personally I wouldn’t be able to live with someone who thinks like that.

I’d be very quietly making plans, talking to a solicitor. Work to put yourself in the best position possible re your daughter - not that I think it’s at all likely he’d get more than 50/50 anyway but it seems it’s the particular avenue he will choose to scare/punish you. and I’d be working to squirrel away as much money as possible.

Using childcare is not looking after your children, it's paying soneone else to look after your children.

Only a spectacular dickhead would choose to pay money for strangers to look after their children rather than have the child's other parent look after the child.

OP, you haven't said whether you are married. Assuming not since you refer to your partner rather than your husband