Partner joking about having sole custody

[RuddersLynds]

Hello, my partner has came home after work and randomly brought up saying if we were to break up he would go to court and take sole custody of our toddler as he earns more (he’s full time 40hrs plus and I work two days a week so I can be with the little one 3 days a week instead of nursery 5 days).

he was acting a bit jokey and nothing has happened between us for us to even think of breaking up. But got me thinking, why has he thought this 😩 something gotta made him think this. Two of his mates recently became single within the last year.

then we got into a bit of a heated discussion about it all say I said I’m the primary care provider and he said he never got the option to be it as he earns more and the house is in his name. He would refuse for our daughter to live at my mums (her dog has bitten my nieces, they are ok) and would refuse to let us stay at my sisters (them two got into a bit of an argument last year).

he’s literally since not dropped this and keeps saying he’s gonna have sole custody.

like wtf. I just need to get this out and what advice you may have 😩

Not the point I was making

Even if he's got friends who have split from partners and have children, it's a very odd statement to make out of the blue. I would take this as a warning, and start increasing your hours if you can at work. There's no way your partner would be granted sole residency, it would be 50/50. The fact you had depression 13 years ago, is not a justifiable reason to give your partner sole residency. You aren't a danger to your daughter. Your daughter shouldn't be around a dog that is known to have bitten a child, that's a massive no. As for your sister, unless there's a massive backstory, him purely disliking her again is no reason why you can't visit or live with her! It's almost as if he's trying to frighten you into never leaving him.

Agree with this. He’s clearly not an involved parent at the moment, so there’s no way he would actually want sole custody of his child. He’s saying it as a way of making you feel you don’t have any options but to stay in your current situation.
He’s wrong on a factual level, and he’s also an arsehole - he has shown you who he is now, so it’s definitely time to start making plans. Is moving in with your sister a realistic option? Honestly, I’m surprised your mum still keeps a dog who has bitten multiple children, that doesn’t sound like a safe environment to bring your daughter into.

He wouldn’t get sole custody. Something really bad has to be going on for a parent to get Sole custody. I got sole custody but that is because my ex has had terrible mental health issues, current ones, that mean he disappears for months at a time. Depression 13 years ago wouldn’t be an issue.

UK courts favour 50-50. So he would probably get that.

The dog is an issue whether or not you are together.

Is this his crass way of trying to get you to work more?! And I don’t think you’re breaking up either so this is all very odd.

Next time he says this stuff...I'd just laugh at him.
Or if that is too provoking I'd smile and say " that's nice dear".
He's trying to provoke you into rowing...he wants out of the relationship and is trying to make it so you both row and he can say you were moody, difficult, the relationship broke down but it wasn't his fault.
There is no such thing as custody anymore, it's residency and it focuses on the best interests of the child, with young children particularly noting their current routines , whose been main carer giver etc.
But whatever his motives... Why would you be with a man who threatens you with this ? That is not the actions of a loving supportive partner?

That's a weird thing to say or even joke about and it woild make me really suspicious esp as his friends have recently become single.
No way would he get sole custody. For a start who would look afger them when hes put working all hours.
Your depression is irrelevant. You're not suicidal nor are your children at risk.
If I were you id silently start preparing. Something is going on. I havnt read all the threads but arw you married? If so it doesn't matter that your name isn't on the mortgage. If not then id put my name on the council list ASAP and let them know youre preparing to become homeless.

A court would never allow sole custody to the father unless in extreme circumstances.
Also look at getting 30 mins free with a family lawyer. You'd also probably be entitled to certain benefits.

I am presuming you are not married

Not sure how he works out that he would get full custody based on an episode of depression from over a decade ago.

How on earth would he pay for all the childcare he needs to keep working and remain the higher earner. Plus have the energy of looking after a child, cleaning, cooking doing bath time and bed time and all the running around if he finds going to work for 40 hours per week makes him so exhausted he can’t spend more than 10 minutes in her company

You are bonkers to have downsized your career without being married. What were you thinking?

Also you wouldn’t just have a p/t wage.
He would be paying you CM as well and as. a single mother on a low income you can claim housing and other benefits etc

Might be worth looking on Entitled to. It needs an address so look at a hypothetical address on Rightmove rented section
Also, if you have paid any bills/mortgage or spent anything on the house get all evidence together you might still have a claim

And get a good solicitor to talk you through what you are entitled to

The house is in this name and he was planning on putting me in the mortgage in 2 years when our fix interest ends.

Was it his house before the relationship started? Do you make a financial contribution to the mortgage or did you pay towards the deposit. You are extremely vulnerable as a low earning unmarried mother. He isn’t going to marry you or give you half of his house without a fight. He won’t have to pay maintenance if he gets 50:50. He can’t actually stop you living with your family but you absolutely can’t move a toddler in with a dog with a history of biting kids.

Your current arrangement likely suits him - you do his childcare and the bulk of the housekeeping for free. He doesn’t have to have do have any tedious visits with is ILs. You aren’t a drain on his assets as you have no marital claim and he’s kept everything in his name (I guess you have nothing significant in joint accounts? He pays the mortgage from a sole account that his wages go into?). I imagine he has looked at his newly separated friends suddenly losing their houses and a chunk of their pay to divorce and wants to put you on notice that this won’t happen to him because he will keep all his assets and he definitely won’t be paying you any maintenance because he will keep the kid too. The “custody” is a double threat - don’t leave me (or step out of line so I am made to leave you) or else you lose your child and you won’t get a bean from me - not even our joint assets which are, in law, my sole assets. I think he’s pissed off that you don’t earn very much too.

You need to be prepared. It’s a warning, not a statement that he will kick you out imminently, but a relationship where one party is firing warning shots is unlikely to carry on being peachy for the next 15-17 years it will take for your toddler to become an adult.

So anyone who works when they don't "have" to is a spectacular dickhead. Okay.

My advice would be to try and make things more equal between you. You should work more and he should do 50% of the childcare. It sounds like your partner is resentful that he’s earning most of the money, and thinks he’s better than you because of this. It’s a horrible attitude, but childcare is really undervalued and seen as nothing - that’s why he thinks he could do it easily and must be a piece of piss.

Whether you split up or stay together, it sounds like he’s no longer happy with something in your set up - his work, the pressure of paying most of the bills, the relationship or whatever.

If you think you’re going to split and want main custody then maybe you could keep your current arrangement as main carer, but in the long run I think it would be better if you said:

”I’ve been reflecting on what you said and thought actually if we did separate or anything happened to me you wouldn’t be able to look after our child as i’ve been doing almost all of your share of the parenting. Let’s start with you doing tea and bed and bath two evenings a week while I relax/do a course to improve my career opportunities/go out to see a friend. I’ll look to increase my work hours to full time by the time our daughter is at school, so by then we’ll need to do 50/50 of the parenting and we need to start building that up now…what two evenings would you like?”

Hes telling you who he is - so take that seriously! Go and see a solicitor to find out exactly where you stand financially. In regards to custody it would almost certainly be 50/50. But you need to thjnk about where you and dd would live.

You don't have the safety net of marriage but you live as if you do. It's time to put yourself and your capability to provide for yourself and your child first. That is also part of parenting. He is telling you already now when you are still together that he is not intending to make it easy for you when (and it sounds like it's a when, not an if) you do split up.

You need to up your income, save money, make sure your pension is healthy. It might not make much financial sense because of increased childcare costs but half of that cost is your DPs and you need to think longterm. You need to be attractive to landlords, you need a deposit, you need money to fund the actual move.

When there is no marriage you can't afford to rely on someone else for your upkeep. It's too fickle.

Tell him his idea is brilliant and why not give it a go starting next week? He can look after his daughter full time from Monday while you seek out full-time employment.

See how that goes down....

I would also call his bluff and see how it goes down when he thinks you will make a new life for yourself.

In reality I doubt he would cope with having your child full-time but it is not nice that he is considering it out of the blue. I would be on alert. It sounds like he doesn’t have a clue about the reality of working full-time with a child when he barely does anything anyway so I wouldn’t worry about it too much as that would be unlikely.