Insanely toxic divorce - please help me and my son..

[pinkrabbits39]

My husband cheated and we got divorced - the terms of his cheating are repugnant but they’re not relevant here, just an indication of who he is - we are battling the finances currently of our financial settlement for the divorce and needless to say he’s being vile here too. The reason for my question though today is, my son. My husband refuses to agree any planned arrangements for seeing his son and he NEVER has him overnight, only on a very rare request from me and he insists this is at the former marital home (where I live) even though he inherited a massive house (where he lives) My 15 year old son lives with me and see his dad some evenings for his tea, he’s collected about 8pm and dropped back 10:30 ish - my son and I never know when his dad will have him, so it’s impossible to plan or have a life - I assume this is my exes intention. When he stays here, he invariably sleeps in my bed - there’s a spare room - last time (the first time he had his son overnight in weeks) he got so drunk he came back to the house at 4am and rang the doorbell, waking my son to let him in. My son is defensive of his dad - I don’t know if he’s sad that my ex has made no provision to have him at his new house - he’s not decorated, gotten my son any furniture or even connected WiFi (almost like he knows if he had these things he’d have no reason to not have his son there) and it causes issues with my son and I when we discuss it. My ex controls me using our son. What the hell do I do? I lost my parents and close family as they’ve sided with my ex, so asking them to have him isn’t an option. My son has never really gotten into sleepovers etc either with friends. I love my son and for the last 18 months I’ve lived this life but is it selfish to want more? I literally have no clue when my son will be home or not, the only thing I do know, I have to be home every night to have him. Any suggestions on how to handle this please?

Sadly he has nothing but time and money and hatred - he is dragging out the divorce to ensure that I cannot move on and certainly to maintain his access to the property - most people take their exes to court to enable being able to see their child, mine can and doesn’t want to - I’ve sent him links to apps and he ignores them and he’s blocked me on everything apart from being able to call him - iMessage is possible, but then he’ll send me something and delete it so there’s no record…

Don’t have that choice - although he’s allowed to legally access the property - my solicitor has said that rarely they do - seems my ex is the exception - he enjoys knowing he can and when he sleeps in my bed and I ask him not to - he reminds me it’s still half his bed and I can’t stop him 😞

How does he still have the legal right to enter the property when you are post divorce?

That shouldn't happen. Do you not have a financial clean break that sorted out property?

Sorry just saw that your still sorting finances

What would be the grounds for an occupation order? This isn’t something my solicitors has even mentioned and it sounds like it could be the perfect thing to help me - my ex has lied on his form e and is refusing to add figures to the D81 - he’s now threatening to take me to court (with an application for me to pay his fees if he does) because I’m on a ‘fishing expedition ‘ with his finances - he refuses to be honest and I’m amazed it’s allowed - the docs state that it’s fraud if they’re not accurate and yet there seems to be no recrimination for him lying - I can the Will against the D81 and prove it too

I’m not sure - initially for my parents, it was the embarrassment of another divorce in the family - my sister got divorced a few years ago - so I think they were disappointed (they are fully aware of the terms of his cheating tho and had expressed concern to see me so unhappy 🤷🏻‍♀️) this migrated into him accessing them and telling them how awful I’ve been and I assume turning their heads - so much so that in arguments we have had, they quote details to me that have been fed by him - such as, ‘I’m greedy and waited for his parents to die so I could divorce him and take half their money’ my sister initially was a massive advocate for me but the strain of the divide between my parents and I forced her to choose and she chose them

This feels a little harsh but I understand your point - my son knows he has stability and routine and love with me, it’s the rare occasion that l ask his Dad to have him overnight and these problems then flare - the majority of the time I’m very reasonable and accepting of my life and I vacate the property to allow my son to see his dad - even tho he’s made no effort to have a room for him at his

He's going to keep playing you as long as he can. You just need to disengage. Unless you've experienced someone like this, I don't think you can really understand that this person isn't going to be reasonable, there is no 'working out with your ex how to implement what your DS wants' because your ex doesn't care, he just wants to cause you pain.

Grey rock is the only thing you can do, and get the financial settlement sorted asap - get it to court if necessary and you have proof. (and if what you stand to gain is more than what it will cost of course)

To ex - you won’t be staying at my home anymore. If your relationship with your son is important to you you’ll find a way to continue seeing him, perhaps by allowing him in to your own home. We also won’t be putting our lives on hold anymore waiting around for a possible visit. If you don’t plan in advance then there’s a good chance we’ll be out when you arrive. Our son is also old enough for you to make arrangements with him directly so please don’t contact me.

You then stop allowing him to stay. If he finds a way in to your home and is refusing to leave threaten to call the police and if he’s still refusing then actually call them. And make sure you start going out! Get a ring doorbell and when he turns up at the home breezily tell him you’re out and as discussed it’s best for him to plan in advance. Finally, ignore any attempts to make plans via you. Your ex has been controlling you via this arrangement and you have to remove all control.

To son - I know you love your father and it’s important for you to see him, but it’s also important we both have a life and I can move on. For that reason from now on your dad won’t be staying at our home and I won’t be sitting around waiting for him to possibly turn up. I’d really like it if you also were out enjoying yourself instead of waiting for your dad who might not even turn up. My hope is that this makes your dad arrange for you to stay at his and start making plans in advance. As you know though I can’t make your dad do anything and sometimes even our parents let us down.

I'm sorry this is happening to you OP.
Just offering a viewpoint here. When my parents divorced, my mother tried to protect my feelings at all costs. My dad was a bit absent, didn't bother much with me, I felt unloved and abandoned and not really good enough, though I never voiced this- I don't know that I ever really acknowledged it to myself. I was quite protective of him, weirdly- probably because when someone you love pulls away, you say whatever you can to win them back.
My lovely, dear mother never said an unkind word about him. But I do wish she would have said, 'I don't think he's treating you the way he should, and I think you deserve more than he's giving you.' I really needed someone to say that this behaviour was not okay or acceptable.

The same pattern happened with my own DC and their father. I have never slagged him off, and never get angry or sad when talking to DC about him, but have said to them that they deserve a space in his home, and plenty of uncomplicated love and devotion from both parents.

Put a basic lock on your bedroom door and tell him you expect him to sleep in the spare room if he’s spending the night at the former marital home. Make sure there are none of his belongings left in your bedroom - move them to elsewhere in the house.
Legally he may be able to break the lock to access your bedroom since he still owns the house with you, but it would be such embarrassing and ridiculous behavior that hopefully that hopefully he’ll stop sleeping in your bed.
You could even buy yourself a new bed and put the former shared bed in the spare room if you want to hammer home the point.

Oh my, this was hard to read - thank you for sharing this with me

That had to be so tough. I can't imagine. I'm so sorry.

Change the locks, stop going out until you have your divorce. Your ex doesnt want to see your son so stop forcing him to and if you dont go out then he has no need to be in your home at all. It is fairly logical and straight forward as far as I am concerned. Your life will be back to you in a few years, stop allowing this man to abuse your home. Just be there for your child for a few more years it really is not that hard to not have a social life in order to protect your kids for a bit.

Stop taking his calls
Send him a message to say you will only communicate via iMessage (or an app, if he downloads one) from today
Screenshot any messages from him

For now, contact your solicitor and ask about applying for an occupation order asap. It's absolutely sick he is still getting in your bed - that's emotional abuse - are they aware of this? Presume he is not trying to have sex with you?

You can apply for one online too - here is everything you need: https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/apply-for-a-non-molestation-or-occupation-order-fl401
Shelter page is good for further info and you could contact them: https://england.shelter.org.uk/professional_resources/legal/relationship_breakdown/housing_rights_of_married_joint_homeowners

Next ask your solicitor what they can do to speed up the process and force your ex to provide the financial information required. If there is any way you can get into any accounts or find any paperwork, copy what you can

What has happened with shared bank accounts etc. Do you have access?

If he is not having your son 50/50, you are owed maintenance. Have you discussed this yet? Or just go via CMS (after occupation order!)

I'm so sorry your family and friends do not have your back - that is such a betrayal of you and your ds & I would tell them this
Do they know what he did, or how he is behaving? I would send them screenshots of anything he says which proves how shitty he is

Keep reassuring your son that you love him and are trying to sort things out. Also that he deserves much more respect than his dad is giving him

Don't give up - you have a much brighter future ahead 💐

My ex still lives in the jointly owned home for 16months now. He changed the locks i have no access. That I'd apparently allowed. Going to court about it to get so thing sorted.

I refuse to communicate with ex except a parenting app. Blocked him on everything. The relief is immeasurable. Put the line in the sand, don't back down.

I think you need to speak to your solicitors about the house bit, no way he is allowed to walk in whenever. I landlord can't. And he has other housing so doesn't need to stay over.

My ex was toxic about finances and involved the dc in a way I thought inappropriate. DC are also defensive of their dad - they feel that relationship is fragile and so don’t rock the boat with him. That doesn’t mean your dc don’t appreciate what you do but you are the safe space they can let their frustrations out on. I didn’t feel appreciated when dc were 15 but a few years later they are really lovely and appreciative. They just needed that maturity. They’ve seen how hard I worked and how I always put them first. Sometimes they’ve been swayed by exH narrative. They don’t want to have a dad who is a selfish bully and want to believe the best of him. But I promise you over the long term they see you and all you do. Ask your solicitor but I’m sure you can put a lock on your bedroom at least. But generally I wouldn’t ask your ex to look after your son anymore it’s not necessary at 15. FWIW my exH aggressive attitude to finances didn’t do him any favours at court so you just have to wait it out and engage only when essential.