Insanely toxic divorce - please help me and my son..

[pinkrabbits39]

My husband cheated and we got divorced - the terms of his cheating are repugnant but they’re not relevant here, just an indication of who he is - we are battling the finances currently of our financial settlement for the divorce and needless to say he’s being vile here too. The reason for my question though today is, my son. My husband refuses to agree any planned arrangements for seeing his son and he NEVER has him overnight, only on a very rare request from me and he insists this is at the former marital home (where I live) even though he inherited a massive house (where he lives) My 15 year old son lives with me and see his dad some evenings for his tea, he’s collected about 8pm and dropped back 10:30 ish - my son and I never know when his dad will have him, so it’s impossible to plan or have a life - I assume this is my exes intention. When he stays here, he invariably sleeps in my bed - there’s a spare room - last time (the first time he had his son overnight in weeks) he got so drunk he came back to the house at 4am and rang the doorbell, waking my son to let him in. My son is defensive of his dad - I don’t know if he’s sad that my ex has made no provision to have him at his new house - he’s not decorated, gotten my son any furniture or even connected WiFi (almost like he knows if he had these things he’d have no reason to not have his son there) and it causes issues with my son and I when we discuss it. My ex controls me using our son. What the hell do I do? I lost my parents and close family as they’ve sided with my ex, so asking them to have him isn’t an option. My son has never really gotten into sleepovers etc either with friends. I love my son and for the last 18 months I’ve lived this life but is it selfish to want more? I literally have no clue when my son will be home or not, the only thing I do know, I have to be home every night to have him. Any suggestions on how to handle this please?

At 15 your son is old enough to be making arrangements to see his dad directly with his dad - no need for you to be involved other than that DS should inform you of whatever is agreed. You tell your ex that he isn’t going to be staying over at yours any more and if he wants DS to go to his for overnight stays then he’ll need to make it welcoming for him with a proper bedroom. Then leave them to it.

You’re totally right and thank you - but my ex just refuses to do this, he tells his son ‘it’s not fair for your mum to expect me to spend my money on making a room for you at my house when she got the nice house in the divorce’ So how the hell do I handle this?

You tell DS that you each have a house - you have the former marital home and dad has the house he inherited. Presumably that inheritance is the reason, or one of the reasons, you ended up with the family home. There’s no reason why dad can’t paint a bedroom and put a bit of furniture in it for his son. Doesn’t need to cost much. IKEA etc. He could make it a nice activity they do together - DS gets to choose some stuff for his new room and so on.

Respond with, 'that's his concern,' and step back. Rinse and repeat. Hell would freeze over before I'd let my ex sleep in my bed.

I have a 15 year old and he fully understands that his father does not live here. At 15 he is able to make plans himself and my ex never has him overnight, never. While it can be a bit of a pain to not have a social life outside of the house myself it is only a few more years and I can do whatever I want so I will be honest you need to suck it up and stop allowing your ex into your home. He will continue to try control and manipulate you but until he steps up and provides for his son the onus is not on you to forge their relationship for them. Do not let that man into your home again and do NOT let him into your bedroom. Jesus christ he is a horrible controlling bully. Do not let your son see this is how to treat women going forward.

Stop sleepovers at your house. Get a video doorbell. Go out when you want - a 15 year old is fine to be left alone in the evening and many would be fine overnight occasionally (if they aren’t likely to throw a party). Tell your ex and son to arrange contact directly. Let your son know it’s ok to say no if his dads plans are not convenient.

It’s likely there will be nights out with mates at 6th form so you are going to need new ground rules anyway. Tell your son you are going to start going out some evenings. Teach him some simple meals. Get him to make one meal a week for both of you, Have emergency numbers / neighbours numbers displayed / a keysafe + emergency cash he can access eg if he needs a taxi. Don’t put your life on hold - trust your son to step up and look after himself more. You don’t need to make this about his dad it would be a natural progression to reset rules at 15/16 even if both parents lived together.

Let your ex worry about his relationship with his son. If your son wants to sleep at his dads he can take a sleeping bag and airbed. You can’t shield your son from who his dad is or keep compensating for him.

I agree that you don’t need to be trapped at home. My DD is 16 (yr11) and spends most evenings in her room…I’m certainly not going to sit at home just in case she needs me. I can go out for the evening and have been away for long weekends and she’s fine. She has no relationship with her dad but I tell him when she’s home alone overnight in case she needs him. She can prepare meals but I’ll make sure I get something easy in for her or I order pizza for her when I’m out, or send her money to get something herself. She enjoys having the time to herself…I was the same at her age!

I have tried to help rebuild her relationship with her dad but have stopped justifying or explaining his behaviour, or hers towards him. You’ll wear yourself into the ground trying to fix things beyond your control.

I agree.

He's absolutely abusing the situation here.

Stop having your ex in your home. Help your ds understand how to facilitate a relationship with his dad without you. Let you exdh know you will no longer be communicating about when he sees his ds. Stop waiting for him to step up, just get on with life and support ds to visit him if he wants to and has arranged it.

Hi

This is an awful situation. Does your ex still the ability as you are currently sorting finances and therefore he's still part owner of the property. If not. I would absolutely stop this from occurring immediately. Either way, he's controlling you and you deserve better.

If it's such an effort for him to arrange to see your child, then he's probably best of with just you.

I wish you well and enjoy your life without being organised and controlled by him.

He’s 15. You absolutely don’t need to be in the house every night for him.

ignore your ex. Assume he’s not having your DS. Tell him he cannot spend the night in your house.

You need to get a parenting app and communicate only through that, so everything is logged

He does not enter your house and certainly not your bedroom!!

How long until financial agreement and divorce is finalised?

What does your lawyer advise re the occupation of the house and the finalising of the consent order?

It is unclear where you stand in terms of the house you live in. I assume it is the marital home and if so you both have a right to live there until a court says otherwise. Given the acrimony you should have applied for an occupation order to keep him from returning to the home.

Have you gotten any insight into how far away you are on agreeing finances. This will also settle the ownership of the house. Until you do that it is his property as much as it is yours and you need a court order to keep him out.

I lost my parents and close family as they’ve sided with my ex

Sorry to go off track, but why on earth would they do that @pinkrabbits39 ?

Ex is no longer welcome in your home. It is your safe space, and at 15 your son can understand that. You've had great advice above about what to say.
I would also speak to your son about what he would ideally like. Would he like a set routine? Does he want to go to his dad's? What does that visit look like to him in any ideal world? Then share the reality, that dad won't have him stay, that you would value a routine to plan dinners etc for each week. Work out a plan between you and your son and then tell dad. If dad can't accept it then that is on him. I would suggest a ring doorbell, if he has a key get the locks changed, and son can walk out to dad's car. Dad doesn't even need to come to the door.
You need to put some boundaries in place which is different given having 15 year old, but you should lead. It is your home, no your ex's

At 15 you can definitely go out and have a life without him having to go to his dad’s. My DD lives with me 100% as his dad moved in a new partner and her son, but as she’s a teenager I still go out and have a life. Don’t rely on him sorting out a room for his son. Pretty sad he doesn’t want him staying for weekends etc. His loss though.

Your DS is is the emotional ‘ping-pong’ ball in all of this. He’s getting knocked about in between the two of you. You both sound oblivious to this. You need to sort it out in a mature adult way that puts his best interests at heart. I would start by asking him what he wants and then work out with your ex-H about implementing it- without emotional manipulation or deviation from your son’s desires.

Tell your son that the allocation of property was something that was worked out fairly in the break up. The family home is now yours and dad has his own place. Son is old enough to choose what he would like to do re seeing his dad and can arrange that with dad direct. You are happy to facilitate as best you can but of course you'd prefer if there was some notice and/or set times so you can plan. You don't expect to go to dad's house and from now you expect that dad will not be at your house.

It's okay and normal for a 15 year old to spend an evening or even an occasional overnight alone. If he has a key and a back up key (with neighbours or in a key safe) he can let himself in when he gets home. You do not need to be sitting waiting.

That's it. Rinse and repeat. The above is completely reasonable. Perhaps not everything is settled yet and your ex still has a right to access the home? If you are in that limbo, and Ex is insisting on access on that basis get a lock fitted to your bedroom door and lock it when you leave.

Also, learn to grey rock your Ex. I would put money on him behaving like this to torment you. Don't rise to it and don't show annoyance to your son.

Problem is though my ex doesn’t want this - I suspect he doesn’t want my son at his new house, which is hard to acknowledge, he’s much more useful to him controlling me and my actions, where I have to be etc He has plenty of money, he inherited a fortune but he’s choosing not to - not sure how this is spun to DS but he seems accepting of it

As a mum though, don’t we always feel the need to breach the void that’s left by the absent parent? I want to give my son continuity and love and routine so mostly I’m happy to sacrifice my life for this - but the frustration does boil over sometimes, especially when DS is so defensive of his dad and it feels like I’m the one doing all the sacrificing here

I have considered this - acceptance that this is my life until DS is old enough but the situation is not maintainable while he exerts his legal right to access the property - he’s allowed to come there and if I want a night away and he has made no provision for my son at his house then it has to be at ‘mine’ he’s dragging his heels on the divorce because he has money and knows that’s how he controls and punishes me for leaving him - my son is a pawn

This is excellent advice - thank you and I think I’ll take this fully on board 👏🏻

And that last line is where I am - ground down with it all 😞

Don’t have that choice - although he’s allowed to legally access the property - my solicitor has said that rarely they do - seems my ex is the exception - he enjoys knowing he can and when he sleeps in my bed and I ask him not to - he reminds me it’s still half his bed and I can’t stop him 😞

This. And stop talking to ds about him, it's upsetting him