Struggling to come to terms with separation

[LovelessActually]

Hi all

I’ve already posted on this under relationships. DH walked out around 3 weeks ago very abruptly. Things had been up and down but it still came as a total total shock. Gave lots of reasons as to why I was making him miserable but it transpired that he has “fallen for” someone else and is now seeing her.

I’m just struggling to come to terms with the fact that my life has flipped upside down overnight. Our lives were intertwined for over a decade and I didn’t even get a conversation. Can’t quite believe he is gone and is not coming back. But mostly I can’t come to terms that he has fallen for someone else and he’s now with her. It is absolutely killing me inside.

Not really sure what the point of this post is. Just not sure how I will ever get over this heartbreak.

I really feel for you.
Therapy- honestly the best thing ever to work through it all.
Use that emotion to fuel you to get what you need. Speak to a solicitor, get legal advice. If you want to really dig at him meet with allmofnthe best solicitors in your area as then they can't work with him. Get all important documents and anything of value (memories or financial) and remove it from the house so it is safely away from him. Change all passwords on everything. If children are involved that is a whole other set of advice.
It is okay to mourn the loss of the life you thought you had and the future you thought you had ahead of you. Take that time, lean on friends and family. Then also get into action by writing down what you want for your life. New hobby, try something new, holiday, something smaller like an afternoon tea. Get a new routine, make sure you have a healthy balance of socialising and home. Focus on sleep, eating healthily and exercise. Direct your focus to you, not him, and jn therapy work through it because it is awful and I do understand. Thinking of you, and remember: you deserve more than that. You are worthy of more than the way he treated you, and don't forget it.

Thank you. I really appreciate the reply. This all makes perfect sense right now. But it is hard to see the woods for the trees.

Yes kids are involved. I just can’t quite believe how rashly he has behaved when we have a whole life together and so much on the line. He says his heart is dead to me and there is no coming back from that. But he has a history of being a bit of a hot head and he said it with so so so much anger that I can’t quite help feeling that his judgment is too clouded at the moment.

But I know this could just be denial talking.

I also can’t figure out how serious he is about this OW. Whether he’s actually fallen truly and deeply or whether he just sought comfort when the opportunity arose. If the latter, I can’t help thinking that it might be salvagable even though he has told me in no uncertain terms that he is done.

Its just so hard to get my brain and heart to match up with the words that are being spoken.

@BookArt55has pretty much nailed it, but I’ll add that for some weird reason I felt ashamed when I discovered XH’s affair, almost like I wasn’t good enough to keep him IYSWIM? Then I realised that it was his shame, not mine.
This isn’t necessarily a recommendation as it depends on what type of person you are, but once I reached the realisation of being betrayed so badly, it helped me to harness a bit of anger, which in turn enabled me to stay as strong as I could. You might feel the same?
Definitely confide in a friend - hopefully you will have one or a family member that you can vent to.
I’m sorry you are going through this - no-one deserves their partner to be not only having an affair, but also being too much of a coward to admit to it.

@LovelessActually I mean this as kindly as possibly so I hope it isn't too harshly written... it doesn't matter if they break up tomorrow, it doesn't matter if he changes his mind tomorrow about his heart being dead to you... because what matters is he does not love you like you deserve. He cheated on you, lied to you and the kids, broke yours and the kid's trust, put his own needs selfishly above the family's, and ended your relationship abruptly and blamed it all on you. He showed no respect for you. So even if he dumps her tomorrow and comes back grovelling, how could you trust him? How could you feel safe with him? At any point he could drop this bomb again!

@vipersnest1 worded the anger part really well, I didn't know how to put that into words. But the anger, more for my kids, really helps push you. It somehow felt less selfish and more okay to feel anger for my kids than for myself... not sure why!?

With the kids, definitely get legal advice immediately. So much advice there but depends really what contact and what he wants.

I know you are in the depths of it now, and emotionally are extremely vulnerable. I understand. But you also now need to start putting those boundaries and walls in place to make sure you get what you need for you and the kids. For me it was my immediate family who really supported me. They were writing responses for me, we have that relationship where the my were telling me I was being a pushover, they were making me realise that I had to somehow talk about finances and the children's new routine when I just didn't have it in me. What support have you got? Have you got people who you can openly share with you will kindly and bluntly tell you their opinion? It helped me to stay on track and not just sink. Mumsnet also helped.

Thank you. Yes my family and friends have been amazing. It is one good thing to come from this, just to know what incredible people I have in my life. They have let me vent, cry, howl and have been there to give me comfort and wise words of advice and support.

I do feel like a pushover and pretty pathetic. Before this I would have described myself as incredibly strong and independent. I can’t believe such a mid man has so much control over me and has broken my heart so totally.

I’ll try to get angry.

You are strong and independent, and you're also allowed to have feelings and this betrayal will bring them out. I think it is important to have a moment to mope. All it shows is along with being independent and strong, you are a loving, caring person. Nothing wrong with that! I'd be more concerned if you were having no feelings!

I’m so angry with myself. Saw DH or rather STBXH and was a pathetic mess.

Apparently things with the other woman are serious and they have strong feelings for each other. Instead of getting angry at how sordid and disgusting and shameful his behaviour has been I was a blubbering desperate mess.

I just feel like he is getting away with his vile behaviour. The unfairness of it kills me.

I just feel like the conversation is just about how vile I am and how awful our relationship was losing sight of the massive fact that he is a selfish coward who chose to blow up his family overnight for another woman. He just doesn’t seem to accept that we deserved more than that.

This is all par for the course, he can’t be the shitty person, therefore you have to be.

Drop the rope on the psychobabble, and just focus on practicalities. I am three years down the line from you, and whilst I spent a lot of time in the first year having conversations with myself that I wanted to have with him, ultimately I had to focus on reality.

You will get through this and reach a point where you are glad to see the back of him.

I am going through so many emotions so quickly. After we left our last conversation (which ended amicably if pathetically for me) I was so angry that we still seemed to be talking about the issues we had had in our relationship other than the fact that he had an affair and blew up our family for another woman!

I want him to feel shame. I want him to understand what a selfish cruel coward he is. I want him to be ashamed of what he did to me and the kids. But I feel like the way the conversation ended it’s like he’s getting off scot free. He’s getting everything he wants with no blowback.

I didn’t want it to end on that note and was going to make it clear what he should be feeling. But now I’m wondering if I just leave it.

Sorry I realise I am repeating myself now. Best to get it out I suppose

@LovelessActually
I’m going through exactly the same right now. 6 weeks since he walked out (depressed, didn’t feel loved, stressed from our kids arguing etc). We separated and I found out 2 weeks later he had been on a date with a girl from work-10 years younger (33). He later admitted to fancying her while living with me. Anyway, he’s living with a friend, seeing her, I’m at home with our two children. I am lost. Heartbroken. Completely devastated. I have made it worse by texting and calling all day every day. I have tortured myself thinking about the two of them together, imagining them having more sex than we ever had, laughing and joking etc. It kills me inside and I can’t imagine being happy again. 17 years together, almost 10 years married and it’s all over just like that.

I really do feel your pain. It is so hard and although I don’t have anything to make you feel better, I know that people have told me over and over again that no contact will help with the healing process. I’m trying again from today as I had a bit of a relapse.

I really hope in time you will feel happier and stronger xxxxx

@LovelessActually
and I meant to add….

As with you, I wanted him to know that I was no fool, that I knew he was lying. I wanted to make sure he understood that he had abandoned our family, walked away without a fight just like that. I had so many questions in my head that I felt the need to keep texting and calling. All I was doing was torturing myself, it was almost like I enjoyed the pain it caused. I didn’t really, I just couldn’t help it. I wanted to know every detail. I wanted him to understand the pain I felt. I wanted him to know how disgusted I was that he had moved on so quickly. I didn’t want him to think that he had got away with a thing.

@poppymollythanks - I could have written your posts. It’s absolutely awful. He was there every single day of my life for years and then poof, with someone else. I can’t get my head around it. I keep imagining the same things. Conversations with friends has been helping me out, especially telling the full story of what has happened and the lead up to him walking out - reminds me what a selfish, cruel, empty, narcissistic coward he really is.

@LovelessActually
I can’t say the same about my husband, as he was always a fab husband, dad, loved us all to bits then in the space of 8 months his mood changed, he became depressed, could t cope with the kids, he was very snappy and just not nice to be around. It was tough, our kids (8&14) are hard work and it caused lots of arguments. The house became toxic. Before that though, he was one of the ‘good guy’ do anything for anyone, loved his family. Then he changed. Wanted out, said he didn’t love me anymore and needed space. He didn’t want ‘us’ and no matter how many time I begged and tried to convince him that we’d make it better, he just refused to try. Of course I later found out he had feelings for someone at work so I feel that was also part of it. I just think he wasn’t happy, had feelings for her and thought it would be far more exciting than family life. He went on a date 2 weeks after leaving us. That was so hard to take. I honestly feel the same as you, that my whole world has been turned upside down. I lost 1.5stone in 6 weeks because of the knot in my stomach and nothing has ever stopped me from eating. I just couldn’t face food. I’m in compete shock because the man that I married would never have walked out on his family. I feel like I don’t know him anymore and it makes me so sad. I feel like I have been thrown in the bin overnight. He had time to process it all, but in a space of 2 weeks he left AND got with someone else. Everything came at once and I think he expected me to accept it and get on with my life. 24/7 thoughts go round in my head.

I will always tell the story truthfully. He felt unloved, was stressed, we had drifted apart. Yes, I could have done some thing better, could have been more affectionate, but I loved him and showed it in other ways. He could have spoken to me about his feelings, but he chose not to. We both neglected each other (his words). I wouldn’t have walked away though. I fought. It didn’t get me anywhere. He knew what he wanted and it wasn’t me. Now I have to live knowing that he’s seeing someone 10 years younger, child-free, doesn’t want kids and works with him. It makes me sick.

You can't tell someone else how they should be feeling though, as much as you want to.

What kind of scumbag walks out on his family for another woman. I know it happens all the time, but it's still scumbag behaviour.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, OP. Exactly the same happened to me last March, thought it was about 8 months before I discovered that ExH was having an affair (he denied to it everyone, including our couples therapist). It is utterly, utterly shit. I'm a bit over a year on from it now and so much of it is still horrible and sad and baffling. Like you, I never got a proper conversation or a chance to change anything or process it. He has made the decision, and that was final. It turned my life upside down. He's since proven himself to be frankly a horrible excuse for a father and husband, and we are in the last stage of a crappy divorce. We've been friends since we were 19 and together for 15 years, with a beautiful 7 year old daughter.

It is definitely true that it will get better over time on average, and you'll get better at coping with it (and the anger does help!) But it's also ok to feel absolutely whalloped by it too. I'd say more than anything make sure you take care of yourself. Be kind to yourself, do whatever you need to get through it. Sometimes that means distracting yourself from it, sometimes finding joy, sometimes really leaning into the sadness. I spent my 40th birthday this year watching a Bridget Jones marathon with an takeaway and crying solidly for about six hours, and it felt great.

The thing is most people would probably know him as a great guy too. He’s made it clear that he is 100 percent committed to our kids and has been very adamant about doing 50/50 (I mean putting aside the fact that 100 percent committed to the kids would have been putting them first and not blowing up our family…). Most people have been shocked about what he’s done.

I’ve seen flashes of selfishness and emotional immaturity from him before, but not to the level that it was a massive red flag (everyone has their faults!). It’s mainly the way he’s dismantled our life so abruptly and cruelly that I call him a selfish coward narcissist etc. It’s sort of like recent events are a macro version of all these micro behaviours I know he has. Although he had also changed a lot in the lead up - much more angry and volatile and distant (so naturally I distanced myself as well - further evidence of my coldness and lack of love!). It felt like he was harnessing all of the latent resentments that he’d had throughout our entire relationship and was just letting them loose all at once.

What is it with these men! The more I speak to people about it the more people tell me how they know of exactly the same things happening all over the place. I told him he was in the middle of a mid life crisis and he told me I was being patronising. But it is so cliched!

Im sorry this has happened to you too. A Bridget Jones cryathon sounds like a great idea :)

Day by day I’m slowly getting my head around the fact that he is not coming back. It is just the thought of him with someone else that is unbearable. Is he thinking about all the date spots he can take her to, that he would be once thinking about going with me? Is he picking out jewellery for her birthday? Are they binging our shows? Are they snuggling in bed on Sunday mornings? Are they messaging all day with secret smiles? The worst is obviously the thought of them being intimate. What are the thoughts going through is head? Is he falling in love with her? I can’t get my head around the fact that he is doing this with HER. That all his thoughts are with her. That he has no interest in me.

@LovelessActually
I feel your pain. This is exactly what I’m constantly thinking. Just makes you feel completely rubbish and inadequate. This morning, ‘I wasn’t good enough’ keeps going round and round in my head.
One thing I am sure of though is that she will
never replace the love we had as a family. She will never have the same relationship that we had. I am the mother of his children and there are many special moments that we have shared that he won’t ever have with anyone else. I hope that it all comes crashing down on him. Excitement is good for a while until it hits him what he’s actually lost. He only has her because friends and family hate him for what he has done. He risked so much for someone he hardly knows.

I have no advice. I am in the same boat. It’s a shit boat. On top of that, today is my wedding anniversary.

@Bienbien
Sending you a huge hug x

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. My situation is the opposite — she left me, bringing up things I said 11 years ago. She's now dating other men, while I can't even think about anyone else right now. I tried for 9 months to fix things and get back together. I'm working and looking after three of our children, while she has the other two. I honestly don’t know how to cope. I told her I would do anything to save this marriage, but she doesn’t want to. It seems like she might have found someone else.

Mine was on Friday. I took our daughter away for a night and we had a brilliant time together. But it's still horrible.

On our wedding anniversary last year (two months after he said he wanted to leave, but while he was still living in the house) he refused to talk to me all day. He later said that there was "nothing worth celebrating" from our decade of marriage. I later realised that he had hidden all the photos of us together from around the house - literally put them face down under other things. It's not a normal way to behave and I can see now that it was really nothing to do with me personally - he has been going through some sort of arsehole crisis for 18 months now, and my daughter and I are just collateral damage.