Struggling to come to terms with separation

[LovelessActually]

Hi all

I’ve already posted on this under relationships. DH walked out around 3 weeks ago very abruptly. Things had been up and down but it still came as a total total shock. Gave lots of reasons as to why I was making him miserable but it transpired that he has “fallen for” someone else and is now seeing her.

I’m just struggling to come to terms with the fact that my life has flipped upside down overnight. Our lives were intertwined for over a decade and I didn’t even get a conversation. Can’t quite believe he is gone and is not coming back. But mostly I can’t come to terms that he has fallen for someone else and he’s now with her. It is absolutely killing me inside.

Not really sure what the point of this post is. Just not sure how I will ever get over this heartbreak.

@Bienbien
My husband had spent months in a bad mood, taking out on the kids, picking holes in them, they couldn’t breathe without him having a go. They are not angels by any means, but I would defend them when I felt he was wrong. Of course this would then cause arguments between us. One of the reasons he left was because he felt we had drifted apart, but how can you be close when you have someone in a bad mood who refuses to get help. It all got to him and that’s when he decided to leave. Now my children enjoy the peace, especially my 14 yr old as she always seemed to be his target. I think they miss him but enjoy the peace at the same time. I think he forgets that it wasn’t just him who had a tough time for all those months. Our house became toxic, a horrible place to be.

So many experiences here resonate. It’s so shit that this is happening to so many people but at the same time there’s some sort of reassurance in the fact that it means I’m not totally to blame - reinforces my defences against his gaslighting bullshit.

Our house had also become incredibly toxic too. I don’t disagree with him that we needed a reset (although silly me I thought counselling would be the first port of call). DH seemed angry, nasty and volatile all the time. This was mostly directed at me although i have been noticing that he was a lot more impatient with the kids - there was always a slight edge to his demeanour.

His drinking was also become borderline problematic - going out a lot and also just indulging a bit too much when he was drinking at home. Of course this just fuelled the nastiness. I feel like the last 12 months has been punctuated by him drinking and then flying off the handle at me for pretty fucking minor niggles (e.g. me asking him to stop stomping around so much in the evening or me (politely) asking him to turn over in bed when he was loudly breathing alcohol breath all over me) - this “nagging” would set him off on a 10 minute raging rant about how fucking terrible and moany and crazy and fucking difficult I am. Then he would bring up arguments from 10 years ago and throw them in my face as proof. On and on and on and on. Of course that reaction wasn’t due to his drinking, he was only reacting to my terrible behaviour.

So naturally there was a lot of distance between us. But I don’t think he realised just how much his drinking was affecting me.

I just find it so galling that he doesn’t acknowledge this or take any accountability. And by the time he gets through this midlife crisis and sorts his shit out he’s going to be settled down with someone else. So he wasn’t willing to sort out his issues for me or his family and instead someone else will get the version of him he didn’t give us.

@LovelessActually that last sentence resonates with me - ‘instead someone else will get the version of him he didn’t give us’, my ex and I were together 23 and he’s left for someone else, is she going to get the version of my ex that isn’t a lying, cheating, self obsessed, unaccountable, narcissistic arsehole? My ex has been unbelievable in the extent and duration of his deceit, if a family member or friend had lied to me and emotionally abused me like he has then I wouldn’t let them anywhere near my son but I can’t do a thing about this deceitful & cruel seeing my son 3 nights a week. That is the worst bit for me.

@GutlessFurysorry to hear that.

I can already see this playing out and it’s breaking my heart. We’ve had various arguments this past week (where I’ve broken down pretty much everytime). I know I need to stop talking to him but I can’t help it. Anyway, I think I finally got through to him how much his behaviour has afffected me and as a result I think his anger has softened already.

But heartbreakingly that doesn’t change the fact that he’s already transferred his feelings to someone else and that future for him is already in motion. So he’s finally taking some accountability but he’s still abandoning me and giving that to her. It so so so so unfair.

@LovelessActually I know it’s completely devastating 😢

She did something similar before—she deleted all the photos on her phone and got herself a new one. I'm really sorry you’ve ended up as collateral damage in all of this. I feel the same way. She's blaming everything on me, telling everyone how terrible I was to her.
The worst part? She broke up with me on our wedding anniversary. It’s like she’s been doing everything she can to break me down mentally. In the last year and a half, she only cooked for the kids once. She's living in La La Land either looking for someone else or maybe she's already found someone she wants to marry.
It’s heartbreaking, and it’s driving me mad trying to make sense of it all.

She did something similar before—she deleted all the photos on her phone and got herself a new one. I'm really sorry you’ve ended up as collateral damage in all of this. I feel the same way. She's blaming everything on me, telling everyone how terrible I was to her.

The worst part? She broke up with me on our wedding anniversary. It’s like she’s been doing everything she can to break me down mentally. In the last year and a half, she only cooked for the kids once. She's living in some kind of La La Land , either looking for someone else or maybe she's already found someone she wants to marry.
It’s heartbreaking, and it’s driving me mad trying to make sense of it all.

@BrickMentorI’m sorry you seem to be in a similar boat. As if you’re not feeling injured enough they then give you a good kick when you’re down and make you feel like you’re the one that has fucked up. I somehow seem to be the only one who has been apologising. I’m slowly getting past trying to make sense and just leaning into the sadness now. A good cry helps.

There was so much crying, and now I feel like I have no tears left.She mocked me, even in front of her family.saying I was dramatic and crying, and still, I was the one left broken. I just can’t seem to get over it.Maybe because I truly loved her, even with all her flaws but she never really loved me back.How do I move on from something like that?I’ve been trying so hard.I’ve tried everything Talks, self-help books, going to the gym but the pain always finds a way to creep back in.All I want is to love someone and to be loved in return