Emotional abuse…First anniversary since separating (I left)

[trailblazer42]

TL;DR I’m expecting a barrage of messages from STBX because it’s our wedding anniversary. Do I try to head it off with my own message before the day?

I left my husband seven months ago. I’d fallen out of love with him, mainly due to communication issues and then an extended period of stonewalling. Me and my DD15 left without warning as previous attempts to discuss me leaving hadn’t gone well.

Since I left he’s become incredibly emotionally manipulative and abusive. I’ve had everything from lengthy emails and messages about his devastation, my mental health issues (that’s he’s researched and diagnosed), bombardment of family photos and memories, he sends me weekly song lyrics and recordings of him singing or playing them. I’ve had Christmas presents and flowers on my doorstep for Valentine’s. In amongst this I’ve been called inhuman, cruel, hideous, crazy…he’s spoken to my friends and family about his concern for my mental state. He refused to acknowledge the divorce application on time but has since done it.

I told him to stop all these messages etc in January but it’s slowly crept back. And this Sunday will be our 20th wedding anniversary. I am already dreading it and wondering whether I should try and head it off with some sort of message to him but I don’t want to antagonise him because I’m trying to get him to engage with financial negotiations.

If I tell him I’m sad about it too I will get that thrown back at me but I feel like I should do something. I have been ignoring all the messages pretty much since I left but it’s been seven months and he’s not really letting up. Part of me lets him do it because I feel like it’s an outlet for him (he doesn’t really have friends) but it’s so draining, even though now I can usually brush it off unless he says something particularly cruel. This week it was that I obviously was just following the tarot cards (he has found my instagram where I had posted about using oracle cards as journal prompts).

If I do head it off, do I fall on the side of understanding or boundary setting?

Would his behaviour be harassment or stalking? I think I would report it to the police. And please do not contact your ex at all. Maintain silence. You could visit a solicitor and find out what legal options you haver to make him stop. Well done for removing yourself and your child from him. He is not your problem.

OP, why on earth would you feel you need to send him a message? Why haven’t you blocked him long since? By your own admission, he’s “emotionally manipulative and abusive” - and you are letting him be like this. It needs to stop. You don’t need to be “an outlet” for him - you’re getting divorced so you can both move on with your lives. This constant messaging isn ‘t healthy for either of you.

His behaviour can be constituted for harrassment and stalking indeed OP - three points of unwanted contact and as long as you haven’t responded then this is a police case. It would take some courage to log it to them but even if you have to take a close friend or confidante with you, you really need to do this for your own safety and he needs to be dealt with.

From the outside looking in, he cannot accept that the marriage is over and he’s failing to move on with his life which he ought to do.

I wouldnt send him anything. I would ignore anything he sent me, and block him. Can’t understand why you haven’t done this already.

I totally get it…I should have blocked him. But I have felt so guilty about leaving and so in the wrong for doing it that I felt like he was owed his say in things. And when you read posts on here of people on the other side of having been left it’s always so frowned upon that their husband has just upped and left and cut all contact.

I am getting past this and am a year into counselling to help with it but it’s still so hard to shut him down. I only respond to practical stuff usually but he always manages to sneak in a ‘please come home’ or ‘this is all unnecessary’.

Go to the police, consider a non molestation order. Speak to NCDV charity who can help yo mu with this.
Please, please block him.

You will not be able to reason wjth him, any contact from you will fuel him.

You have done nothing wrong, nothing.

Please consider whst you abd your daughter need and everytime you consider his needs because recognise that and ignore those urges.

You're doing so well and good job for reaching out here for support. They are great here! Wishing you both well.

He is bombarding you with unsolicited emails and messages. You told him to stop and he hasn’t. That makes it harassment. You could ask your solicitor to formally write to him restating your request to stop contact for purposes other than the divorce or co parenting. If the divorce is completed and you daughter is 16 there doesn’t need to be any contact other than in an emergency.

You could take this straight to the police.

You are not his therapist or his whipping boy. He is emotionally blackmailing you and playing off guilt and obligation. With no disrespect to some posters on here and social media, they can expect things they aren’t entitled to or will never get. They are often going round in endless circles of expectation from the one person who doesn’t want to help them. The only way to respond to that level of unwanted codependency is to grey rock.

Thanks @LemonTT…I think I do try to be his therapist. Just part of my character that just wants to help him understand and I blame myself if he doesn’t.

I think I’ve completely normalised this behaviour so spelling it out and seeing the reaction is really useful.

That actually sounds quite scary. I would ring the stalking helpline or domestic abuse helpline.

Don’t send a message first, but do try to figure out a way you can be free of him. As much as you can.

You should not message him at all. He's your abuser.

Cut all contact, perhaps excepting one (newly created) email address that is for sharing crucial information about dd. Respond only to that email address, no other form of message. Emails containing unrelated messages or ranting or pleading will be forwarded to a file for police.

Then block him on everything except that one address. No phone calls, no social media, no messaging, and certainly no in-person visits. And do not check that email daily - set a strict limit about when you will look.

You need to disconnect from him. You owe him nothing more.

How is dd holding up? Does he manipulate her, too?

You left him yet won’t block him because you feel guilty?You left for a reason @trailblazer42 and had to leave without warning. You haven’t been able to heal from him because you’re trying hard to listen to him, this is your new life. Block and move on

@28Fluctuations he has no relationship with DD anymore. She won’t have anything to do with him really, although was using the family home where he is before and after school (now stopped mostly due to her doing exams). She actually finds it quite difficult that he contacts me but not her. I keep most of it from her but she’s aware of handwritten letters and the presents. I wish he’d put the effort into trying to get her back in his life but he seems to have lost his way with that too. If she does contact him about practical things he tends to play the victim and is hurt she only wants him for money/laundry/help with school work. He’s also been her teacher for one subject so it’s messy.

And to make things trickier, we have a shared hobby in a group together that neither of us will give up so I see him weekly at least, and our DS19 is also involved. So I’m never going to be able to cut him out completely. And I don’t want to have to really. I think that’s the issue. I want us to be able to coexist and it
frustrates me.

You’ve left him but still fully invested in his behaviour, you feel guilty and he’s using that to his advantage. He is still taking centre stage in your life and you’re allowing it to continue.
Stop making excuses, stop trying to save him from the consequences of his actions. That shit is over, no wonder your daughter gets upset! She can see you weakening, still consumed by him and wants you to put all your energy into making a new life for the both of you. You’ve still got one foot firmly in the door with your H!
The caring compassionate nature of yours needs to be focused on yourself and your daughter to move on.
Any letters from him, burn them, unread, any presents, bin them.
We fall out of love with people because they continuously trample over us, they don’t care about our emotions and treat us with barely veiled contempt. It can take years before we face up to the fact that we are just a convenience.

You've had more time than he has to contemplate being apart. It's not even been a year. If I were you I would block him but he doesnt have to work to your timescale regarding the divorce, or feel like you do now you're apart.

I’m not expecting him to feel the same way as me, I just want some basic respect for my decision rather than being accused of being mentally unstable.

It has been over a year since I first suggested separation although I completely understand about it taking him longer which is why I’ve been taking things slowly. But I can’t hold off the divorce process forever, I simply can’t afford to. I have £250k of assets I have no access to (until I get a solicitor involved) and have run up £10k debt to fund leaving so far. Meanwhile he just tells me all my spending is a waste of money not offered any contribution towards our daughter because I couldn’t solve all this by moving back.

Start divorce procedures, you can’t afford to leave it any longer and he will just have to lump it.

I have - applied in March. He ignored the initial acknowledgment deadline (forgot the date, then would do it that night…a week later he did it. At the moment he won’t really engage with anything else because of this 20 week window which he says is supposed to be used for reflection…

OP

Your ex is an absolute arsehole.
Whether or not you message him, he will always be an absolute arsehole.

Forget trying to have a constructive relationship with him. He is not capable of it. He will not change.

Don’t waste your energy on anything to do with him except the process of divorce.

The only thing you can do for your DC is be a role model of someone who will not be dicked around by an arrogant twat. You can’t make him be a better parent. That’s his own choice. So don’t pander to him in the hope it will help your children.

He is living in the past but he has had his chance and chose not to be a good enough husband.

You won’t get any basic respect from STBXH, rather than accepting the separation, he likes to gaslight you, making out the reason you left him was because you have mental health problems. He believes everyone is wrong and if he keeps up this narrative, you will eventually go back to him, with your tail between your legs.
Stop trying to explain yourself, or proving to him that he is wrong, that you have valid reasons for separating. He is just playing mind games with you to grind you down. You have to shut him out, block him and leave him to his petty games.
You've done the hardest part, you moved out with DD, you don’t need to communicate during divorce proceedings, that can be done through solicitors. Block him, burn any letters and concentrate on your new chapter.

Any communication goes through solicitors, if he wants to see DD, he can message her directly.
Any gifts/ letters, you can burn and discard them, he can send them but you don’t have to open them.
Block him so he can’t phone/ message you, if he starts trying to send messages through DD, she can tell him she won’t be used as piggy in the middle.
You have control over your own actions, use it to stop his petty mind games and stop trying to endlessly prove to him you’re worthy enough to have your own opinions, that you were unhappy with him.
He doesn’t give a shit!! The more you engage, the more he will try to hook you back.

He doesn’t care about your feelings, he doesn’t care about your happiness, he never has and never will! He doesn’t care about anyone but himself, he wants you back for his own convenience. He isn’t sat at home, lamenting to himself that he should have been a better husband and feeling regretful. He's sat at home raging you’re not stuck in the kitchen, making him homemade steak and kidney pie and asking him what veg he wants with it, while he lords over the remote with his feet up in the living room. He is incredulous you left him, that you have swapped a life dictated by him and have your own life now.

Sitting in my lounge and a card has just been pushed through the door, and a vase of flowers has been left on the doorstep.

I wish it didn’t upset me but it does. I opened the card and obviously it is saying he’s a ‘polished version’ of the man I fell in love with now he knows what he’s done wrong and he’s not what I make him out to be.

I think the time has come to block him. You’re all right. It just makes me sad that it has to come to this.

I feel for you, and it is completely understandable that you would feel upset about it. That would bring up a whole host of feelings.

I think it is really good that your takeaway from this action is to block him.

Kindly, I am not sure if it was said before, but when you block him/put that boundary in place his behaviour may escalate. Could I suggest a ring doorbell? I would also sit and write down all of the times he has been to your house uninvited like last night with dates and evidence like photos or whatever, and screenshot all of the nasty messages and emails. He may come back again to your house, if he does call the police immediately. Then you will have all of the evidence ready for them. I hope this is not the case but best to be safe. Depending on his next steps a possible consideration could be a non molestation order, just a thought to leave here just in case it is needed and you aren't sure what you can do to protect yourself.

Thinking of you and your daughter, I think putting those boundaries in place will help you both to move on in a positive way. Consider therapy for both of you as it is reslly useful to work through this and understand yourselves. Be kind to yourself today.

That all sounds so difficult for you.