Emotional abuse…First anniversary since separating (I left)

[trailblazer42]

TL;DR I’m expecting a barrage of messages from STBX because it’s our wedding anniversary. Do I try to head it off with my own message before the day?

I left my husband seven months ago. I’d fallen out of love with him, mainly due to communication issues and then an extended period of stonewalling. Me and my DD15 left without warning as previous attempts to discuss me leaving hadn’t gone well.

Since I left he’s become incredibly emotionally manipulative and abusive. I’ve had everything from lengthy emails and messages about his devastation, my mental health issues (that’s he’s researched and diagnosed), bombardment of family photos and memories, he sends me weekly song lyrics and recordings of him singing or playing them. I’ve had Christmas presents and flowers on my doorstep for Valentine’s. In amongst this I’ve been called inhuman, cruel, hideous, crazy…he’s spoken to my friends and family about his concern for my mental state. He refused to acknowledge the divorce application on time but has since done it.

I told him to stop all these messages etc in January but it’s slowly crept back. And this Sunday will be our 20th wedding anniversary. I am already dreading it and wondering whether I should try and head it off with some sort of message to him but I don’t want to antagonise him because I’m trying to get him to engage with financial negotiations.

If I tell him I’m sad about it too I will get that thrown back at me but I feel like I should do something. I have been ignoring all the messages pretty much since I left but it’s been seven months and he’s not really letting up. Part of me lets him do it because I feel like it’s an outlet for him (he doesn’t really have friends) but it’s so draining, even though now I can usually brush it off unless he says something particularly cruel. This week it was that I obviously was just following the tarot cards (he has found my instagram where I had posted about using oracle cards as journal prompts).

If I do head it off, do I fall on the side of understanding or boundary setting?

Just thought I'd add an update. I didn't get brave enough to block him earlier in the monht, and went through my birthday last week with another gift on the door step and a public post on his Facebook saying happy birthday to me and sharing the card he'd made for me. I thanked him for the gift because I just want us to have a normal, civil relationship as much as possible.

But last night, after spending the weekend with friends pointing out how wrong all this is, I got brave. Sent him a message saying he had to stop and named it as harrassment. Told him he didn't need to understand why I've left him to respect me and my decisions. I said that I knew his first reaction would be to tell me I'm going about this the wrong way and that it's down to my mental health problems. Said I do want to have a better relationship with him but I don't feel comfortable even being around him when he says what he says and behaves the way he does.

This is the response I had:

You leaving overnight, and instantly unfriending me in every way possible, is how this ‘played out’. Don’t pretend it’s about anything I did afterwards… Your predetermined choices are nothing to do with anything I did or didn’t later do. And yes I do need to understand your choices to be able to respect them, and they are VERY far from understandable. Ever since your first letter, NOTHING fits with you “just not loving me anymore”. You have said numerous things about me that are very simply NOT true, and highlight things far beyond us, whether you like that or not.

Only a week ago you thanked me for a birthday gift. The day before you literally ran away we had a pleasant evening out, then immediately the day after you won’t even talk with me… that is clearly NOTHING to do with me later sending you songs or raising concern about what is going on. You had no intention or openness to a ‘better relationship’, as evident months ago, and I’m shocked you can even bring yourself to pretend that is anywhere on your mind.

But I still want you for it all, and because of it all. We can do this and be the best.

Respectfully, my judgements are mine to make, as you have made clear with your own judgements. But I know mine are entirely reasonable and open. What does fit, really really well, is what you have said about issues that you then go on to entirely deny, seem to ignore, or refute any link whatsoever. Everything you have said and done tallies entirely with the following, whether you recognise it or not, and I can’t find anything that isn’t blatantly true and accurate from here…

Followed by a 16 point list things that explain how I have borderline personality disorder (this is based on an email I sent to him when I was 18 saying I think I have it - I'm 43 now and this is the first time he's brought this up in 25 years). I don't think I have it. I was a confused and upset 18yr old that had just gone through a bit of a messy few months of relationships when we got together.

It's what I've been expecting but it makes me doubt myself so much. I am going to stand firm to reporting his conduct if it continues.

Kindly, you continue to try and be nice and you continue to try and keep a reasonably nice relationship for the coparenting journey that doesn't even exist.

This man is abusive, you don't have to deal with this. You aren't coparenting with him. Please, please, please block him on everything. Ring doorbell. Any more presents or contact log it with the police.

He hates that you took control and left, that your daughter left with you, that you didn't do as you were told. It doesn't matter how nice you are, he will use it against you (thanking him for the gift). It doesn't matter what you do, you will be in the wrong in his eyes until you get back with him and fall into fine. That isn't going to happen so please make every decision moving forward about what you and your daughter want. Do not consider his feelings because he sure as hell doesn't consider yours.

Please don't let this continue. That message could have been written by my ex, but he calls me a narcissist abd that is the list and videos I was sent. I unfortunately do coparent with him and our children are much younger.

You can do this. Stay strong. Report everything to the police. I would also contact a domestic abuse charity because you may have enough to get a non molestation order now or in the future. Don't feel guilty about doing it. He chooses his actions, they are not acceptable and you have told him to stop. Wishing you lots of luck, hope and strength.

I think you need a solicitors letter telling him to stop contacting you and explaining what would happen if he does contact you. This is not a threat it is a statement of intent.

Whatever you are trying to achieve by appeasing him it isn’t working. You need to give him a clear message. Then if he continues to harass you inform the police.

If you don’t do this now he will continue and eventually you will end up doing it anyway.

He is deliberately not understanding why you left, he won’t accept his behaviour had anything to do with you wanting to leave him. He is trying to convince you of his own narrative, that he is an angel and you are the problem. You can explain, over and over to him but he won’t hear you, he refuses to take accountability, everything is your fault. You can keep banging your head continuously against a brick wall or stop expecting him to be reasonable and let you go. You left him, he can’t force you to go back, you are in charge of your destiny now. Stop opening his notes and chuck gifts in bin or take to charity shops, the only one who can stop being sucked back into the game is you! Once he realises his notes and gifts are not getting any response, he will get bored. Do not answer his notes or reach out to him.

Absolutely! This is weird, sick and criminal behaviour. Please report to police re his harassment and stalking

Don’t let yourself be his outlet. It’s not your responsibility that he has no friends. This could go on for years u less you’re fiem
now.

To those who’ve recently posted, he did stop after I asked him to. I get an occasional ‘wish you were here’ type message which I ignore and our financial negotiations via email are usually peppered with emotional messages from him but thankfully it’s mostly quiet. I offered him a 60/40 split on the condition he lets it all go through without fuss and that seems to have appeased him