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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

I'm sat in a soft play area crying

32 replies

Ellywoo1 · 25/05/2025 13:04

My husband of 33+ years has informed me he wants a divorce. I forgave him of an affair 12 yrs ago but have recently been told (no proof) that he has had another something he is denying.
He has said he isn't happy and has begun divorce proceedings using the no fault reasoning.
We have 2 grown up children and 2 grandchildren. I am at soft play with them crying.....I just can't stop 24hrs of crying.
I'm having night migraines and feel stupid, useless and sadder than ever
He has said he needs 6MTHS of us living under the same roof to afford to leave. I don't think I can cope with this.
Will there ever be light at the end of this very dark tunnel 😭😭😭😭

OP posts:
JaneWithTheUntidyHouse · 25/05/2025 13:14

No advice but didn't want to read and run. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

unicornsarereal72 · 25/05/2025 13:20

You will get through this but take all the time you need. Seek support from real life people. He is not your friend anymore. Focus on practical things. Can he move into separate room in the house. Create a safe space for yourself. Seek professional advice legally. GP or counselling. And don’t let him rush you into any decisions.

Jayinthetub · 25/05/2025 13:22

I’m also sorry you’re going through this ☹️ There are so many posts with brilliant advice on that I can’t add much but I’d advise you to have a read of them.

From me it sounds like he wants to emerge as the good guy probably with the OW and I dislike him calling the shots saying he wants to leave you but needs 6mths of living together to afford to. My natural reaction would be “if you want out then go and go now” but I don’t know how practical that is for you with finances etc. I would probably cut my nose off to spite my face…

Big unmumsnetty hugs and I promise you can cope. You have raised 2 grown up children to raise children of their own. This man will not break you 💐

iamnotalemon · 25/05/2025 13:23

I’m so sorry, this is so awful. Sending you a huge hug x

OneNaiceTealMoose · 25/05/2025 13:28

He's a cunt.

Hold your head up high

OatFlatWhiteForMe · 25/05/2025 13:31

Hold your head high. Set a reminder in your phone for one year from today called ‘look how far I have come’. You have a lifetime ahead of you, don’t waste another tear on this cheating tosser.

Soonenough · 25/05/2025 13:37

I am very sorry to hear this. It is absolutely horrible of him to suggest that he stays six months in the house. But unfortunately you can't force him to go . At least do not cook clean or wash for him .
Protect yourself financially as best you can. Take half money out of joint accounts and open a new one in your name . Get documents on any savings, pensions, etc.
Talk to your grown children and tell them what is happening. Talk to close friends for support. And talk here on MN if it helps.

It is hard at this moment to see how you can ever be OK again as you think about house, money , etc . but be assured that you will be . Unfortunately many women have been through this and eventually come out the other side . Nobody has to live with someone that is cruel and unfaithful.

millymollymoomoo · 25/05/2025 13:42

use that time to focus on yourself
get legal advice so you know where you stand
gather information
educate yourself
understand what you’ll be asking for too

its not all in his timescales and tune

try to do one thing every day that makes you happy- even if for a few moments. Get out, walk, exercise

you’ll soon start feeling stronger even though you cannot see that now

notapizzaeater · 25/05/2025 13:58

Just because he wants 6 months doesn’t mean you have to agree to it. Is there equity in the house? Have you access to your own money ?

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 25/05/2025 14:04

Let the tears flow, you are grieving, then move and hold your head high. Twat.

Cerialkiller · 25/05/2025 14:09

Also, as he's announced it. You are now separated. You don't have to do his laundry, cook his tea, remind him of his mother's birthday. For now you may be living together (although if you can get out of this then do) but this will be only as house mates.

Don't defend him it make excuses for him. Be honest about the current infidelity and about the past infidelity. Get support from your friends family and children if needed. He doesn't get to be protected from consequences at the expense of your metal health and wellbeing.

You stayed loyal to him. He didn't deserve you then, he doesn't deserve you now. His new relationship likely won't last.

There's also nothing stopping you from filing for divorce and getting your ducks in a row. There's plenty you can be proactive about even if he refuses to leave the house.

If he has property/business then ensure you register an interest in it and your house to ensure it isn't sold from under you. Same for joint savings, freeze the accounts. Don't let him spend all your joint money on impressing the new woman. Find proof of an accounts he has as evidence for the financial judgement. Don't be surprised if he is underhand, hides assets, moves things into the names of others.

It's shit. He's shit but you'll be ok.

KumquatHigh · 25/05/2025 14:19

He can fuck off with his six months.

I agree with @Cerialkiller

heldinadream · 25/05/2025 15:39

@Ellywoo1 there will be light again after the tunnel. Your light is not dependent on him.
I feel for you. How are you doing? Keep talking to us.
You might find the relationships board more responsive.
Take care of yourself. 💔

highstoolfling · 25/05/2025 17:47

Tell him he’s not getting 6 months. He can have 3 and get yourself to a solicitor. There is light at the end of tunnel. For me it’s been in the purchasing of new cups and kitchen things that ex would hate. A flowery duvet set and other whimsical items. Today I found myself singing int he car along to Billie Jean. There’s hope.

Sunshineclouds11 · 25/05/2025 17:58

So sorry.

dont agree to the 6 months, thats a hell of along time in this situation and to be honest, cruel.

Endofyear · 25/05/2025 18:14

I'm so sorry, it's such a shock so take time to absorb the news and allow yourself to cry and grieve. Reach out to friends and family, tell your adult children, it's hard but it will make it seem more real and you need their support.

Absolutely do not agree to ANYTHING until you've had legal advice. You don't have to make any decisions straight away.

Whatwouldnanado · 25/05/2025 18:20

What a bastard. You deserve so much better. Make sure you are the one to tell the children exactly what has happened including his previous affair. Stuff his six months, tell him three and no cooking, shopping, washing for him etc. Give him a shelf in the fridge. Ducks in row as per above. What’s going to happen about the house? Make sure you get good legal support as soon as possible.

Wednesdayisme · 25/05/2025 18:54

Just wanted to send you a virtual hug, you must be in so much shock right now. Have you got a good friend you could talk to?

You need some time to process this but don't let him dictate to you. Get some good legal advice 🩷

butteredhorseradish · 25/05/2025 18:59

Awful.
I'd try to see if he can be persuaded to move out earlier. 6 months is a very long time.
However, I'd insist on separate bedrooms immediately and don't do any cooking or laundry for him. Tell him he can have half the fridge and you have the other half.
He doesn't get to hang around for 6 months saving money to move out or waiting for his affair partner to be ready for him to move in with her and have things continue as they have done before.

Trallia · 25/05/2025 18:59

It's okay to be in shock, to grieve for what you had and hoped to have. It's also okay to be really very angry at some point too.

You'll get through this one day at a time. And of course there will be light at the end of the tunnel. You had a life before him, and you'll have one after him too.

Original poster
Ellywoo1 · 25/05/2025 19:22

Thank you for all the comments so far xx
I seem to have spent the last week sobbing
I feel like such a failure and total idiot for forgiving him last time to allow him to do it again.
If I had thrown him out permanently last time I would have had my own life for the past 12 years. Instead I'm now 51 and heading to a life of the unknown.

OP posts:
MzHz · 25/05/2025 19:37

I am so sorry.

do what is right FOR YOU.

bugger his “I need 6m”

he needs to leave now. Today.

you will then be able to begin to heal.

you will be ok, you will get through this, and you will be happy again.

Pennula · 25/05/2025 19:52

Understandably you’re crushed but you’re heading to a new life, free of his infidelity, free of emotional insecurity, a life still occupied by your AC and DGC. Plan carefully, seek legal advice, hold your head up high as you have integrity. I’d confront him now if I were you. Take back your power. So he plans to leave just before Christmas? What a gem he is. Get rid of him asap.

pointythings · 25/05/2025 19:58

My darling, 51 is nothing. I'm 57. My marriage detonated when I was not quite 50. I am now happier than I have been in a long time - the last 5 years of my marriage were hell. I am very close with my adult children, I have a job I love, a home to live in and cats. You do not need a cheating bastard in your life.

Now make sure you get a good solicitor and ensure you get everything you are entitled to in the split.

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 25/05/2025 20:07

It will get better. And 51 is not old!

It will be very hard but there is light and life on the other side. Hang on in there.

And if you do have to live together for any length of time, stop doing anything for the horrible shit. No washing. No cooking. No admin. No more.