Anyone else separated from the “nice guy”?

[Midlife92]

Hi everyone,
This is my first post on here but I’m really looking for support and opinions outside of family and friends.
I have been married to DH now for 2 years, together for 8. We have an 6 and 4 year old.
I feel like I’ve hit a wall in my relationship where I’m really considering what my future looks like with this man. On paper this man’s probably fantastic. I met him at a time where I wanted children and he provided a home, security and there is a 15 year age gap so he was mature and unlike previous boyfriends. I’ve been through a lot in the last 8 years, news jobs, health battles amongst becoming a mother! I feel like I have emotionally checked out because I have been so used to the lack of motivation and zest towards life from him. I’ve read so many things about women divorcing the typical “nice guy” because they are just not fulfilling their needs emotionally. My family thinks I’m unhappy and need to seek something from the doctors to try and help my low mood. My friends understand that maybe this isn’t my person. If we didn’t have the children I would have left. The thought of the financial struggles and separating the family is hard but the thought of “is this it?” Forever is also hard. Has anyone been in a similar situation where they have just hit a wall? Is this an early mid life crisis? I’ve been asking for something, some motivation from him for so long (e.g moving house, bettering our situation and family) and he doesn’t match my energy. He’s said he’ll change and understand where he’s made mistakes and knows he’s not been good. I also don’t feel sexually attracted to him anymore and even kissing him feels like hard work. Have I friend zoned him? I love him but am I in love with him? He thinks my lack of sex drive is hormonal but how do you tell someone actually you just don’t fancy them anymore. He’s a brilliant dad and as I said, on paper probably a
great guy.
For the record I am 32.
Thanks in advance for any support.

Yess, I suppose in theory I did. He is great in lots of ways, a great dad. But not 100% without faults I suppose. Who is?? But ultimately I fell out of love and especially due to some other issues that some may see past. I wasn’t happy, I was very indifferent and latterly disengaged completely from everyone. Lots of other stuff contributed…pnd etc. and I had to do what was right for me and leave. Do I regret it? No. Do I wish it hadn’t have turned out that way? Of course! But my feelings are my feelings and I couldn’t shake them.

Yes, this is me. Fast forward 30 years and you are 62. I am 62 married to a man 15 years older. He really is very nice and why would I even consider leaving him? I haven't yet but I am planning to. No zest for life, no sense of joy and fun. I'll tell you why I am now considering leaving. By chance I met someone I want to be with. When you experience being with someone who 'gets you' and is fun to be with, who you long to be with and makes you so happy when you're with them you will understand the answer to your question. Don't deny yourself the chance of real and complete happiness. Your happiness is the most important thing of all.

Hi there,
Although I’m older than you, I am in the exact same situation with a “nice guy”. I have two children 8 & 6 and he is a good father but we have had a very rocky journey for the last 3 years. Everyone thinks he’s a nice guy, including my family, and I should just “be happy” but we are so different in so many ways and he can be quite nasty too. Ultimately he’s a mammas boy and his mother is controlling and narcissistic. His career is his priority as is his mother. He’s zero fun. I’m not remotely attracted to him and I feel really miserable. But the thoughts of divorce seems awful - children, money, moving house etc. But equally the thoughts of “is this it?” for the remainder of my years feels awful too. If I didn’t have kids I would be gone 100%. It’s so hard.

That’s quite a big age gap and I would have thought it would become more noticeable the older you get. Having said that, there is a lot to be said for staying with the nice guy for a stable life. I wouldn’t rock the boat too much until you are absolutely sure. I assume if you left you would want to meet someone else?

What is it you want /expect him to change. This isn’t clear?

in your op you’ve basically said you’ve used him for stability and security but now he’s doing that you want something else…..

what changes are YOU prepared to make to make the relationship work ?

Sorry if this is a bit harsh but I think you saw him as a means to an end for kids and a good lifestyle you settled. The harsh reality is it’s not enough poor guy

I came here 10 years ago to try and understand why my wife was sh**ng around.

I too was a nice guy who prioritised work, major breadwinner, that's what nice guys do - provide for the family. No age gap though.

Not seen my ex since getting her through / organising her Fathers funeral in 2018 (kids are adults). She (my fault) nailed my hat on in the divorce settlement.

She is now with her latest twu luv who apparently doesn't work regularly but regularly beats her.

Sometimes it may be better to fertilise your own grass if you want life greener.

No offence but a husband who prioritises work has issues as you should have prioritised your wife and she wouldn’t have looked elsewhere….

@Nextsteps25 you are kidding !

in that case everytime a man cheats it’s the woman’s fault for not being loving enough

That’s not what I said. I think if you prioritise work over your relationship you’re asking for trouble, regardless of gender. I’ve seen it happen many times.

Well many people ( particularly if only one income ) need to prioritise work to get paid and keep a family afloat. It does not mean they deserve to be cheated on

Yes I agree and that’s not what I meant. Sometimes people can become workaholics and neglect relationship, children, etc. That's what I’m referring to. But I also understand your point and agree.

Yeah, I hate those men who work to support their family... absolute scum!!!

I say leave him OP. You clearly married him for the wrong reasons, as the first thing you said was that you wanted children, a home and security, so basically used him for his money.

Put out an APB on MN though, good men are hard to find, he'll be snatched up! Single mums however... ask around. I think you'll find the options on dating sites are worse than a festival portaloo.

Read the messages before you comment ridiculous crap, good girl

There is a HUGE difference between a man who works to support his family and a workaholic who neglects everything except his job. @Init4thecatz

There can be... but it can also be more nuanced.

A man on minimum wage can absolutely be a workaholic, neglecting his family BECAUSE he has no other choice... all the way to man genuinely not needing to, but working because he's 'addicted' to working.

But you made it sound like your partner was prioritising his career over his family. I don't see it like that. Obviously we miss our working partners and feel neglected, but I'd consider it more of an investment into our future. I'd choose a busy, ambitious partner over a present, lazy 'bum' any day.

This. I also believe you can’t underestimate having a decent, kind and loving man.

What if the man is on a very good salary and doesn’t need to work into midnight and leave during the week but he chooses to do so, thereby leaving 100% childcare and housework to his wife, who is also working a demanding job. What about that situation? That is what I am referring to. I would not choose a lazy bum either but there is a middle ground where men contribute both to work and family life. We are not living in the 1950 anymore but I think a lot of men still expect that, even if his partner also has a job. @Init4thecatz

You say that you are looking for motivation from him to move house, better your situation and family. Can you elaborate on that? What do you want him to do that he isn't doing to better your situation?

I think many guys are brilliant dads until the marriage breaks up and they start investing in a new relationship and finding another man who will have a better zest for life and is invested in your and your children’s future may be difficult to find.
Your lack of attraction to your DH and emotionally checking out may well in part be killing his zest for life.
If this is it, and you are really thinking of ending things, why not throw everything at saving the relationship first. Be the kind of wife you would be to someone who you deemed worthy and perhaps he will follow suit.

@Jimbobdibob wow! With comments like that I can see why your wife left you. Get some help. It’s clearly needed.

i think if you get married and make a commitment to have children together then you have a moral obligation - in the absence of abuse - to stick it out. The statistics are clear that children do better raised in a family unit. Would you want that on your conscious? That you changed their lives to be worse off because you were a bit bored.

the previous poster was right - a nice guy who did his best would be snapped up….a single mum chasing something that doesn’t exist with 2 kids in tow….different story

I dated one of these for almost a year. You’re better off alone I promise I don’t

I'd do that marriage book, the 7 secrets to a lasting marriage, where they have studied successful and unsuccessful marriages - you are making tons of classic mistakes I think, like deliberately thinking bad thoughts about your husband and relationship, and then wondering whether you ought to leave. If you looked at it and thought 'you know he is so kind, look what he has just done! Remember when this, remember when that' - you could probably reinvigorate the relationship. I think the posters who are saying that life out there is hard and dating is slim pickings these days - who is to say you won't end up with a worse situation.

If your husband is saying that he knows he has not been good, then sit down and work out what can change - action it, and meet again in a month. Be careful what you throw back.

Also pay some respect to the fact that you chose him, as an adult, you created this scenario and you brought children into it - make it better.