Am I ruining their lives

[Smilelikeyoumeanit1]

A couple of months ago I told my DH that I wanted a divorce. It had been a long time coming. He didn't want to move out half the week to take turns spending nights away/at home with the kids, so we're all still living together.
He said he won't go until he's bought a new house meaning I need to remortgage our place and buy him out.

Anyway, we haven't told the kids anything yet. We agreed we wouldn't until we know where we will both be permanently living. He's now had an offer accepted on a house but I'm just so scared to tell them yet. My DS suffers from anxiety and will get really worried.

I've spent weeks convincing myself the kids will be OK. They're 7 and 6. But yesterday, having taken a few days off work with stress, I was watching some dumb tv show and so many of the contestants were saying how their parents divorced when they were kids and what a negative impact it had on them.

I am now stressing out and terrified I am ruining their lives. I know people divorce everyday and they will adapt, but the overwhelming guilt is eating me up so bad.

Both kids are very attached to me. Especially my Dd. Knowing how much she will hate it is just so hard to bare.

I don't know what I'm looking for here as know ultimately 2 happy homes are better than 1 unhappy one. But why were all those adults saying how much it destroyed them? Why don't they say i understand whyy parents did it and it wasn't ideal but I ended up with 2 happy homes?

My head is just spinning!

The atmosphere must be hellish. I would be surprised if the children haven’t picked up on this Op. they presumably don’t ever hear their parents laughing together, chatting, cuddling etc. are you eating together as a family?

I would be pushing through that divorce asap

and he’s found a place! This is good news.

You need to stop your stressing and spiralling, your kids will look at you for guidance. So positive pants on!
You need a smile on your face when you tell them how it’s going to be, and have something nice to do after you’ve told them, no sitting around the house with glum faces. It’s going to happen, so move forward.
My dad left when I was 6, I can only remember him living in the house with us on two occasions. That’s it. The one thing I do remember though, is that neither mum nor dad ever said anything negative about the other that I remember.
Me having divorced parents in the 70/80’s was my normal, I don’t know any different. Now a days many parents don’t even get married, so your kids won’t feel any different to the others.
It will be fine.

Can you imagine how messed up the children will be if you stayed. I wouldn’t worry

Change is scary for a lot of adults and especially children but staying together for the sake of the kids can be toxic.
Your DC will be insecure but you and h need to discuss making it as painless as possible so you both can reassure them that they are loved and that will never change.
Don’t jump into another relationship as the dc needs have to come first, a lot of people jump straight into someone else’s arms because they don’t like being alone and the dc’s feelings are ignored.
No anger, resentment or recriminations in front of the kids, they don’t want to be pulled in different directions, you’re both important and loved by them.
Never making any changes is stagnating, dc will realise one day, that you and H were making each other unhappy and it’s ok to leave a relationship if it doesn’t work out.

Ex CAMHS psychologist here and have divorced parents, as does DH.

The thing is, there's no way for divorce not to be hard on kids. That's the reality. Most children will want things to stay the same, even if staying the same isn't that great. Kids are hard wired to want the familiar and a family set up post divorce is a big unknown.

However, it is possible to help kids cope with the short term distress of separation and divorce and for things to be okay in the long term for them. What tends to cause people to feel that their parents' divorce was traumatic usually relate to the following issues.

Domestic violence/abuse
Affairs (and the fall out after a cheater is found out)
Animosity between parents and inability to co-parent effectively
Alienation/a parent and/or their family putting children in loyalty binds where they don't feel able to love both parents freely and equally and have to choose one over the other
Parentification/spousification. Often happens with only children and eldest children, and often after an affair breaks up a marriage. This involves a child being exposed to adult responsibilities and concerns at a younger age than is developmentally appropriate, for example having to take responsibility for younger siblings because a parent can't cope, or becoming a parent's confidant and main source of emotional support because they are lonely/struggling.
One parent moving far away after divorce, going from seeing a parent every day to very little, or having to move away from school, friends and family as well as coping with the divorce.
Moving on very quickly with a new partner and expecting children to get on with it while still processing the split.

Things that help kids cope:
Open but age appropriate communication about what's happening.
Offering children age appropriate choice and control where possible, such as how they want their new rooms to look in a new home.
Allowing space for kids to be upset and not letting parental guilt get in the way of that.
Offer emotional support and if they're struggling don't sweat the small stuff. But don't compensate either with extra material things or letting important boundaries slide. Consistency is important - it may feel harsh when you're going through this to still insist they tidy their rooms, for example, but still being the mum or dad who tells them to tidy their room shows them you are still the same parent to them, they know where they stand with you.
Keeping as much stability in other areas of children's lives as possible, e.g. school, activities, friends, seeing wider family, routines.
Effective, low drama co-parenting post split - counselling or coaching can help with this. You don't have to be best buddies, but it helps if you can see each other at least as team mates working towards a common goal.
Reinforcing it's okay to love both mum and dad equally, allowing kids to freely talk about the other parent and things they do with them.

But why were all those adults saying how much it destroyed them? Why don't they say i understand whyy parents did it and it wasn't ideal but I ended up with 2 happy homes

OP I may be misunderstanding here but are you referring to children of divorced parents who grow up to say it destroyed them?

If so they are saying that because it’s their lives experience. Simple. Whether they understand or agree with their parents choice is to some extent separate of that.

If it’s their experience that it harmed them in the long term and they see it as a trauma well that’s just how they feel. It clearly had an adverse impact on them so they are just speaking their truth.

And not everyone ended up with 2 happy homes. Again just a fact. Think how many unhappy blended families we hear about and children having a stepparent in either house who they dislike or aren’t that keen on.

It's a thousand times worse living with parents who resent one another, trust me.

Divorce disadvantages children, there is no getting around that fact.

Remarriage is also often very difficult for existing children, they can feel replaced, insecure and uncomfortable having someone unrelated in their home.

I'm in the camp that if you have dc you have a moral obligation to try to save your marriage. If there is even a glimmer of hope that you can both try to work through a bad patch then it is worth it.

The obvious caveats to this are if there is substance abuse or abuse of any kind, including cheating (which I consider emotional abuse).

Bring kids of divorce won’t ruin them if you both work together not to let it, being kids of people who don’t talk/ who fight etc etc, that’s what will ruin them.

A friend of mine told me living with her parents when they hated each other was what ruined her life- not the divorce.

edited to add as I saw the above post, of course the thing is it will be a different life for them and I’d guess it will be so difficult but it’s not about you being together, it’s about you all being happy somehow. They don’t want a miserable parent. Also remember at that age they don’t need to know the nitty gritty, they just need to know they’re loved

I think it's a little simplistic to say that two happy homes are better than one unhappy one. It depends how unhappy the home was pre divorce - if it was awful, with lots of shouting or abuse, then it's more likely that the children would be relieved at the separation compared to if the parents got on well but had fallen out of love with each other. And of course it also depends how happy the two new homes are post divorce. If one parent gets a new partner they have a volatile relationship with or that the children dislike, then this new home isn't going to be any happier for them than the old one was.

At the end of the day most children would prefer their parents to stay together unless things are really bad. I'm not saying you shouldn't get divorced - your happiness matters too - but I think you need to be realistic about how your kids will feel about it.

I would be one of those children of divorced parents who would say it’s had a life long impact and would in turn do absolutely anything in my power to avoid my DC going through it.

The divorce itself, parents who didn’t speak to each other for many years, I could still quote the access arrangements now. Moving into adulthood the worry about them coming together (or not) for large life events. It had an impact on the type of wedding we had and still caused problems on the day. The long term effects of feeling torn trying to see two sets of parents (plus in-laws), Christmas, birthdays etc etc. The worst thing is they would be absolutely clueless about the long term effects. It’s shaped who I am and how I parent. I am so acutely aware of every issue I might have a hand in causing with my own DC as a result.

My parents separated before my first birthday, I have no memories of my parents being married. As a child, the thing I wanted most in the World was for my parents to get back together. However, when I was older I saw how horrible some of my friends’ homes were with parents constantly bickering/ not talking. There would be a dark cloud hanging over the home every time I visited and I realised that I never had that. I had two parents who lived separately but got along. It was a real eye opener as I always thought I was the one who was disadvantaged but that really wasn’t the case, my parents had done me a favour by separating and providing me with two happy homes.

While a lot of adults talk of the damage done by their parents divorce, many also talk of the damage done by the parents toxic relationship.

Divorce isn’t great for kids. I have friends where it did hugely impact them. They also didn’t like having to go stay at different homes, it was disruptive to their lives, school work and social lives. Two happy homes probably is better than one unhappy home in the long run, but often there isn’t two happy homes, or it’s happy for the adults and not the kids. Often there’s arguing or hostility between the parents, or one parent meets a new partner, or one moves away and the kids have to travel on weekends, or just no cooperation and none of those situations are what the kids want and not good for them.

@TheTwenties has pretty much summed up what I would say. 40 years later and my siblings and I still are feeling the fall out of my dad leaving. My mum did not create a particularly happy home for us and she is still so bitter and resentful we cannot have celebratory events with both parents there. There was someone else involved, which makes a difference, of course.
My poor brother really struggled with his dad suddenly living with three other children, in particular the boy.
Just be incredibly mindful of your children, be civil to your ex and you may just create two happy homes.

My parents divorce didn't ruin my childhood, my parents behaviour before and after did.

OP, those now adult children of divorced parents are telling you their truth. Divorce or separation is often horrible for the children. If you need to do it you need to do it, and you can help your children by allowing them to say how they feel and recognising that it’s frightening and upsetting. And by not introducing any new partners into their family home. You can have a love life but keep it separate. Good luck.

A close relative broke up with her husband last year. I am involved with their childcare for their two children, in years 3 and 6, so got caught up in it too. It was very sad, but her husband, though lovely in many ways, was very controlling. She couldn’t take it any more. She wanted desperately to move back near her mother, 2 hours travel away. However for the children’s sake she has moved into a house not far from the marital home, (the family home belonged to his late parents). As a result the children are still at the same school - in fact her house is much nearer. The parents aren’t divorcing - just separating - again because they feel that’s best for the children,. They are very amicable with each other and only saying positive things about each other. Both have keys for the others houses and have occasional meals with each other. They still do some things as a family. She still stays over every couple of months if it’s for something special. They plan to go on summer holiday together (though only for a few days) because that’s best for the children. They are planning to have Christmas together for the same reason. Neither seek another partner. Both have put their children first.
The youngest child has found the split easy, and she is much happier now. She has visibly relaxed, loved being closer to her friends, and it’s been very positive for her. She sees her dad pretty much every day, and it’s fine.
The older child - very close to dad - has been much more affected and is clearly resenting the split, hating having two houses etc. Their behaviour has been awful, and schoolwork has suffered. It’s been a rough 9 months. However they are just starting to turn the corner, helped by consistency in behaviour and clear boundaries, and positive support (love you, just don’t like this behaviour).
They too are starting to relax, realising they are still loved, and seeing that there are advantages with both houses, not least they are now much closer physically to their friends they are now, and can play together after school.
I’ve been really impressed by the way the parents have put their (many) differences aside to work together for their children. It’s taken a lot of planning (and time to find the right property on a tight budget) but I can see it’s going to work out fine because of the groundwork put in, the positive support, the consistency and team approach. It’s a lot of work , a lot of the parents putting themselves last and ignoring some aspects they could have taken issue with, but so much better for their children.

Just over a year since we left, kids were 5 and 18months. I had all the same thoughts as you.
However, hopefully this helps... my oldest friend's parents stayed together until she was 19 and at uni, then split. Her and her older brother have both said they wished their mum had left a long time before because their home wasn't a safe, happy place. It affected them so much living in that negative atmosphere daily and not seeing their parents laugh together, etc.

My two, almost 1.5 years on, definitely are happier. They laugh more, more relaxed, they share their emotions and worries with me. My now 6 year old does say he would like his parents to live together because he finds it hard to leave one parent to go to the other, however he also remembers how bad it was when we lived together so he does understand.

I think the after effects of divorce are what effects the kids more. They shouldn't be involved in adult issues, shouldn't be messengers, they should be allowed to bring things between the two homes, parents should both be able to attend school events without conflict. My two don't get this, ex tells them things and causes conflict at nearly every contact. However my eldest has recently told me that I never say anything bad about daddy but daddy does say bad things about mummy.
Handover can be tricky, they need time to regulate through play and affection, but that has improved now we have a routine.
You are doing the right thing. I understand the doubt and worry, it is a sign of a good mum that you are thinking about all this! Fingers crossed for you.

Watching this thread because I have the same worries. We have only one child and he's 5. Not told him yet and I alternate between wanting to just get it over with and tell him, and then worrying about the enormity of it all and whether I am ruining his life. I love him so much and don't want to hurt him, but I have put up with a lot of poor behaviour from his father (he's extremely emotionally immature and can be verbally / emotionally abusive) and I don't want to do it anymore. For me, separating (we're not married) is definitely the right thing, but it feels like I'm saving myself at his expense and that's an awful feeling to carry. It doesn't help that my soon to be ex comes across as so lovely to the outside world, (and can be with me too, it's just very inconsistent and he refuses help) and is a really fun dad (although also can be overly harsh), so it feels so hard to prioritise getting myself out of an emotionally unsafe environment. But after 8 years together I can't take much more and, frankly, don't want to.

It sounds like we are in extremely similar situations and I feel for you. Mine completely changes when we're with other people, particularly his family where he suddenly becomes the 'model' husband and father. Not a true reflection of his usual self.
He's been emotionally and financially abusive and it's taken me a long time to realise that there have been occasions of 5exual abuse too.
So as hard as it is knowing the heartache I will cause my children, I just can't do it any longer and I absolutely do not want my children ever seeing him treat me this way and think that's normal or something they should ever accept.
Sending you strength xx

I think for every one child who is sad their parents divorced, there’s ten others who are happy.

remember you’re not comparing the happy together family of four with divorce, you’re comparing the unhappily together family of four with divorce.

my own childhood experience - wish my parents had divorced. They didn’t, they hated each other other and fought all the time. Also I had no clue about healthy relationships, having never been modelled one, so made disastrous choices.

my own children’s experience - one has had not a single wobble about our divorce, one has had a few but fine now. Both very happy. One exceptionally happy that she has two bedrooms, double the holidays and presents. I get on absolutely fine with my ex, we coparent well, make decisions together, even go out for dinner sometimes as a 4. And best of all, my girls have absolutely learnt, that it is super important that they can look after themselves financially, and that it’s a fabulous freedom to be had in being single- a man should be there ONLY if he adds to their life, and not otherwise.

I’ve read somewhere that it’s not about ‘divorce’ per se, but about how it’s handled. My ‘family’ are perfectly happy in our two houses!

Ah, I think many of the responses above won’t have realised you are being abused op as you never said in your op, more just indicated a bland marriage. It puts a totally different slant on things.

OF COURSE divorce. You matter too.

Thank you so much for sharing this. This approach is entirely the way I want things to go. My o/h is saying he doesn't think he will want days out/weekends away together as will be too hard for him, but I'm hoping he will come to see if it will benefit the kids then that's what's most important.
I'm staying in our family house which is close to their school so no moving schools. He's got an offer accepted on a house 5 mins away which when the kids are older, will be close enough to walk between.
I pray we can make things as amicable as this sounds

Thank you. I don't really like admitting it xx

I think adults feel destroyed by their parents divorce when the parents had managed to pretend they were happy so it completely side lined the children. My parents split when I was a kid and me and my sisters were so happy.