Page 2 | Am I ruining their lives

Smilelikeyoumeanit1 · 2025-05-24T05:28:04+00:00

A couple of months ago I told my DH that I wanted a divorce. It had been a long time coming. He didn't want to move out half the week to take turns spending nights away/at home with the kids, so we're all still living together. He said he won't go until he's bought a new house meaning I need to remortgage our place and buy him out. Anyway, we haven't told the kids anything yet. We agreed we wouldn't until we know where we will both be permanently living. He's now had an offer accepted on a house but I'm just so scared to tell them yet. My DS suffers from anxiety and will get really worried. I've spent weeks convincing myself the kids will be OK. They're 7 and 6. But yesterday, having taken a few days off work with stress, I was watching some dumb tv show and so many of the contestants were saying how their parents divorced when they were kids and what a negative impact it had on them. I am now stressing out and terrified I am ruining their lives. I know people divorce everyday and they will adapt, but the overwhelming guilt is eating me up so bad. Both kids are very attached to me. Especially my Dd. Knowing how much she will hate it is just so hard to bare. I don't know what I'm looking for here as know ultimately 2 happy homes are better than 1 unhappy one. But why were all those adults saying how much it destroyed them? Why don't they say i understand whyy parents did it and it wasn't ideal but I ended up with 2 happy homes? My head is just spinning!

Original poster

Smilelikeyoumeanit1 · 24/05/2025 19:27

Overthebow · 24/05/2025 07:35

Divorce isn’t great for kids. I have friends where it did hugely impact them. They also didn’t like having to go stay at different homes, it was disruptive to their lives, school work and social lives. Two happy homes probably is better than one unhappy home in the long run, but often there isn’t two happy homes, or it’s happy for the adults and not the kids. Often there’s arguing or hostility between the parents, or one parent meets a new partner, or one moves away and the kids have to travel on weekends, or just no cooperation and none of those situations are what the kids want and not good for them.

We are both incredibly mindful of the children. We will not be arguing in front of them and never have. We will not be pulling them this way and that. We are not like that. Everyone is different. But I am also not prepared for my children to see an unhappy marriage and believe that's what love is. My daughter will not grow up thinking that the way her father treated me is how she should be treated. She deserves better and if neither of us ever end up in a model relationship again, then I hope she will grow up to see i was strong enough to not accept someone who did not treat me right and she will also be strong not to accept it either.

OP posts:

Original poster

Smilelikeyoumeanit1 · 24/05/2025 19:31

CrazyGoatLady · 24/05/2025 07:02

Ex CAMHS psychologist here and have divorced parents, as does DH.

The thing is, there's no way for divorce not to be hard on kids. That's the reality. Most children will want things to stay the same, even if staying the same isn't that great. Kids are hard wired to want the familiar and a family set up post divorce is a big unknown.

However, it is possible to help kids cope with the short term distress of separation and divorce and for things to be okay in the long term for them. What tends to cause people to feel that their parents' divorce was traumatic usually relate to the following issues.

Domestic violence/abuse
Affairs (and the fall out after a cheater is found out)
Animosity between parents and inability to co-parent effectively
Alienation/a parent and/or their family putting children in loyalty binds where they don't feel able to love both parents freely and equally and have to choose one over the other
Parentification/spousification. Often happens with only children and eldest children, and often after an affair breaks up a marriage. This involves a child being exposed to adult responsibilities and concerns at a younger age than is developmentally appropriate, for example having to take responsibility for younger siblings because a parent can't cope, or becoming a parent's confidant and main source of emotional support because they are lonely/struggling.
One parent moving far away after divorce, going from seeing a parent every day to very little, or having to move away from school, friends and family as well as coping with the divorce.
Moving on very quickly with a new partner and expecting children to get on with it while still processing the split.

Things that help kids cope:
Open but age appropriate communication about what's happening.
Offering children age appropriate choice and control where possible, such as how they want their new rooms to look in a new home.
Allowing space for kids to be upset and not letting parental guilt get in the way of that.
Offer emotional support and if they're struggling don't sweat the small stuff. But don't compensate either with extra material things or letting important boundaries slide. Consistency is important - it may feel harsh when you're going through this to still insist they tidy their rooms, for example, but still being the mum or dad who tells them to tidy their room shows them you are still the same parent to them, they know where they stand with you.
Keeping as much stability in other areas of children's lives as possible, e.g. school, activities, friends, seeing wider family, routines.
Effective, low drama co-parenting post split - counselling or coaching can help with this. You don't have to be best buddies, but it helps if you can see each other at least as team mates working towards a common goal.
Reinforcing it's okay to love both mum and dad equally, allowing kids to freely talk about the other parent and things they do with them.

Thank you. We are doing as much as we can to ensure consistency in terms of living- im buying him out of our house so we can stay in it, same school etc.
We plan to coparent and continue to communicate setting aside one night every week to have a proper conversation about things we need to make decisions on for the kids.
It's mostly still friendly in front of the kids and we both recognise the importance of showing a friendly United front - mum and dad are now friends instead of husband and wife.
I'm sure it won't always be so easy as how we hope it will be, but we both absolutely have their best interests at heart.

OP posts:

Original poster

Smilelikeyoumeanit1 · 24/05/2025 19:39

TheWisePlumDuck · 24/05/2025 07:09

Divorce disadvantages children, there is no getting around that fact.

Remarriage is also often very difficult for existing children, they can feel replaced, insecure and uncomfortable having someone unrelated in their home.

I'm in the camp that if you have dc you have a moral obligation to try to save your marriage. If there is even a glimmer of hope that you can both try to work through a bad patch then it is worth it.

The obvious caveats to this are if there is substance abuse or abuse of any kind, including cheating (which I consider emotional abuse).

Edited

I tried to meet my 'moral obligation' for 5ish years. I've swallowed a hell of a lot of heart ache and done by absolute damndess to make it work impacting my own mental health. Physical health too as a result of the stress. Do I want this? No. Not in a million years. And believe me, I have agonised and agonised. That's why I've stayed, unhappy, for so long.
I dont want to put them through this but I also have a moral obligation to ensure that I am well enough to care for my children and show them what a healthy and respectful relationship is. That is what I see most important. But does that change the constantly feeling of guilt? Of course not. It still is what it is and that is incredibly clear to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Smilelikeyoumeanit1 · 24/05/2025 19:40

Mightyhike · 24/05/2025 07:26

I think it's a little simplistic to say that two happy homes are better than one unhappy one. It depends how unhappy the home was pre divorce - if it was awful, with lots of shouting or abuse, then it's more likely that the children would be relieved at the separation compared to if the parents got on well but had fallen out of love with each other. And of course it also depends how happy the two new homes are post divorce. If one parent gets a new partner they have a volatile relationship with or that the children dislike, then this new home isn't going to be any happier for them than the old one was.

At the end of the day most children would prefer their parents to stay together unless things are really bad. I'm not saying you shouldn't get divorced - your happiness matters too - but I think you need to be realistic about how your kids will feel about it.

Edited

I am being realistic hence the concern/guilt

OP posts:

JudgeBread · 24/05/2025 19:49

Breathe.

Can divorce impact children? Yes. But I know lots of completely fine, well adjusted adults whose parents divorced in childhood - while it will impact them in some way and their lives will change and be disrupted for a while, it's not universally life destroying. A vast number of children come through it just fine and go on to be happy, healthy adults with normal lives!

You know what is life destroying for a child? Growing up in a home with abuse. Don't doubt yourself, don't second guess yourself. You are brave and you are doing absolutely the right thing, for you and your children. Your children are young and will adapt, and will definitely benefit from a happier, healthier, more at peace mum!

Good luck, stay brave 💐

Original poster

Smilelikeyoumeanit1 · 24/05/2025 20:22

JudgeBread · 24/05/2025 19:49

Breathe.

Can divorce impact children? Yes. But I know lots of completely fine, well adjusted adults whose parents divorced in childhood - while it will impact them in some way and their lives will change and be disrupted for a while, it's not universally life destroying. A vast number of children come through it just fine and go on to be happy, healthy adults with normal lives!

You know what is life destroying for a child? Growing up in a home with abuse. Don't doubt yourself, don't second guess yourself. You are brave and you are doing absolutely the right thing, for you and your children. Your children are young and will adapt, and will definitely benefit from a happier, healthier, more at peace mum!

Good luck, stay brave 💐

Thank you so much xx

OP posts:

BookArt55 · 24/05/2025 21:04

You mention abuse, so I do hope you are able to coparent in the way you want. I also had that wish, I thought we would celebrate birthdays together, communication would be friendly and the kids could have their dad pop round to the house if wanted, and dad agreed to that. We were both on the same page.

Unfortunately, as we were about to move out reality hit. His controlling nature ramped up, take a look at the Wheel of Power and Control. Post separation abuse can be worse than what was dealt with in the relationship, and mine definitely has been. I honestly thought our coparenting relationship would be a big improvement, i was very much wrong.

I only say this because I really hope you don't have this scenario, but I really wish I had known about post separation abuse as I could have been more prepared. Now I look back and wonder how I thought we could be so involved in each other's lives for my dream scenario because given his behaviour it can not be reality.

I would consider getting important documents, passports and anything of value either emotional or financial out of the house until he has gone. Change the locks. Make sure all passwords are something completely random and new. Ring doorbell. Just protect yourself as preventative measure, hopefully never to be needed. Sorry to cast gloom on your post.

Wishing you all of the luck and hope it goes as smoothly as possible.

Babysteps123 · 24/05/2025 21:04

Smilelikeyoumeanit1 · 24/05/2025 19:39

I tried to meet my 'moral obligation' for 5ish years. I've swallowed a hell of a lot of heart ache and done by absolute damndess to make it work impacting my own mental health. Physical health too as a result of the stress. Do I want this? No. Not in a million years. And believe me, I have agonised and agonised. That's why I've stayed, unhappy, for so long.
I dont want to put them through this but I also have a moral obligation to ensure that I am well enough to care for my children and show them what a healthy and respectful relationship is. That is what I see most important. But does that change the constantly feeling of guilt? Of course not. It still is what it is and that is incredibly clear to me.

Show quote history

I feel EXACTLY the same way. Even now I sometimes doubt myself, but I have been over-functioning for so long, trying everything possible to make things work, but you just can't get a square peg in a round hole. And I have also suffered both emotional and physical health repercussions from putting up with the status quo.
I am so sad that you're also in this rubbish situation but please know that I'm right there with you x

SpryCat · 24/05/2025 22:09

You are going to be so much happier @Smilelikeyoumeanit1, you sound like a fantastic mum, your children will feel upset at first but will settle down. They will see you flourish, your mh improve tenfold and will feel less anxious because there will be no atmosphere. You are doing the very best for you and your children x

SpryCat · 24/05/2025 22:29

Babysteps123 · 24/05/2025 21:04

I feel EXACTLY the same way. Even now I sometimes doubt myself, but I have been over-functioning for so long, trying everything possible to make things work, but you just can't get a square peg in a round hole. And I have also suffered both emotional and physical health repercussions from putting up with the status quo.
I am so sad that you're also in this rubbish situation but please know that I'm right there with you x

Show quote history

You tried to sacrifice yourself in order to make a relationship work, you have nothing to feel guilty about! Go live an authentic life now, don’t ever bend yourself like a contortionist just to keep others happy again. Kids thrive with happy parents, even if they don’t live together anymore.

Original poster

Smilelikeyoumeanit1 · 25/05/2025 07:35

BookArt55 · 24/05/2025 21:04

You mention abuse, so I do hope you are able to coparent in the way you want. I also had that wish, I thought we would celebrate birthdays together, communication would be friendly and the kids could have their dad pop round to the house if wanted, and dad agreed to that. We were both on the same page.

Unfortunately, as we were about to move out reality hit. His controlling nature ramped up, take a look at the Wheel of Power and Control. Post separation abuse can be worse than what was dealt with in the relationship, and mine definitely has been. I honestly thought our coparenting relationship would be a big improvement, i was very much wrong.

I only say this because I really hope you don't have this scenario, but I really wish I had known about post separation abuse as I could have been more prepared. Now I look back and wonder how I thought we could be so involved in each other's lives for my dream scenario because given his behaviour it can not be reality.

I would consider getting important documents, passports and anything of value either emotional or financial out of the house until he has gone. Change the locks. Make sure all passwords are something completely random and new. Ring doorbell. Just protect yourself as preventative measure, hopefully never to be needed. Sorry to cast gloom on your post.

Wishing you all of the luck and hope it goes as smoothly as possible.

Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry things didn't turn out the way you had hoped. I have these dreams too about how I'd like it to be but in reality he can be difficult and stubborn and am sure everything won't be so rosey for us either x

OP posts:

Original poster

Smilelikeyoumeanit1 · 25/05/2025 07:36

SpryCat · 24/05/2025 22:09

You are going to be so much happier @Smilelikeyoumeanit1, you sound like a fantastic mum, your children will feel upset at first but will settle down. They will see you flourish, your mh improve tenfold and will feel less anxious because there will be no atmosphere. You are doing the very best for you and your children x

Thank you so much xx

OP posts:

Southsiderunner · 25/05/2025 07:36

I have had these exact feelings this week and my wife and I told our 2 kids we are breaking up on Thursday just gone. I was worried about it so much that I had to get it done as the pain of “destroying my family” was causing me mental turmoil. After years of being unhappy but very seemingly fine from the outside, I ended it with my wife who I love very dearly. Telling the kids was awful but they took it as well as I could have hoped. My daughter (14) and son (10) started crying instantly and the 4 of us shared a big hug in the kitchen, we said that we will always be a family and wel all help each other through this, also told them to share whatever feelings they feel. As I blubbed I blurted out that it’s all my fault and how sorry I am to which my daughter said it’s not my fault and squeezed me so hard, I’ve never been more proud and really needed it as I feel so much to blame for ending it and changing everyone’s lives. I can’t tell you how it ends because I’m still laying in an empty bed crying as I type but people say it gets easier. I just hope the 3 hearts I’ve broken can get better or il never be able to move on

Original poster

Smilelikeyoumeanit1 · 25/05/2025 07:39

Babysteps123 · 24/05/2025 21:04

I feel EXACTLY the same way. Even now I sometimes doubt myself, but I have been over-functioning for so long, trying everything possible to make things work, but you just can't get a square peg in a round hole. And I have also suffered both emotional and physical health repercussions from putting up with the status quo.
I am so sad that you're also in this rubbish situation but please know that I'm right there with you x

Show quote history

Thank you. It is comforting to know others have similar experiences / let downs etc because he's told me for so long that it's just a blip in our marriage. But out of the 8 yrs we've been married, 5 of them have been unhappy for me. I've come to realise him saying this despite the issues being clear, is just his way to try and control things.
It's such a huge disappointment realising life won't be the way you imagined when you first got married, but I'm just clinging onto the hope that things will get better and I'm going to do everything in my power to ensure the best outcome for my kids, as I'm sure we all do xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Smilelikeyoumeanit1 · 08/06/2025 18:02

Southsiderunner · 25/05/2025 07:36

I have had these exact feelings this week and my wife and I told our 2 kids we are breaking up on Thursday just gone. I was worried about it so much that I had to get it done as the pain of “destroying my family” was causing me mental turmoil. After years of being unhappy but very seemingly fine from the outside, I ended it with my wife who I love very dearly. Telling the kids was awful but they took it as well as I could have hoped. My daughter (14) and son (10) started crying instantly and the 4 of us shared a big hug in the kitchen, we said that we will always be a family and wel all help each other through this, also told them to share whatever feelings they feel. As I blubbed I blurted out that it’s all my fault and how sorry I am to which my daughter said it’s not my fault and squeezed me so hard, I’ve never been more proud and really needed it as I feel so much to blame for ending it and changing everyone’s lives. I can’t tell you how it ends because I’m still laying in an empty bed crying as I type but people say it gets easier. I just hope the 3 hearts I’ve broken can get better or il never be able to move on

I've only just seen this. I'm so sorry you are going through this but well done for being so strong xxx

OP posts: