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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Parents in law and divorce

27 replies

Aqueligia · 21/05/2025 12:42

I am a long time contributor but have changed my name.

I have filed for divorce because my STBXH has a pattern of becoming very quickly dysregulated and ragey and will be verbally and emotionally abusive. It started happening with DC and so I started to see the pattern.

True to his threat to be unkind if we separated he has been talking to lots of friends and his family and has then said that they all think Xyz about me.

His version of events is that I am the abusive one (classic DARVO if anyone is familiar with that term). You could literally replace him with me and vice versa and his version would be more close to the facts. So he accuses me of being controlling yet it is me that hasn’t been able to live true to myself and has been prevented from all sorts of things.

I haven’t heard from any of the friends or family he is talking to.

I reached out to one set of mutual friends and let them know that our recollection of events is very different but I won’t go into it but to come to me if they have any questions. He talks to the husband freely though so they have his version. One set of mutual friends talked it through and let us know that I can talk to her, and STBXH can talk to him but that they won’t talk to each other. So that they can support us both which was so proactive and thoughtful. One mutual friend I messaged to say to come to me with any questions.

But I’ve not heard from his family. None of them. He has told me ‘they all think’ I’m at fault.

it’s really hard. I sensed his parents pulling away from me for a couple of years so I think he’s been talking me down for a while.

Whats the norm here? Is the onus on me to get I touch with them? Them me? Or do we just cease contact? How does it usually work?

OP posts:
OneWittySquid · 21/05/2025 12:49

Leave them be its there son blood is thicker than water.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/05/2025 12:52

Cease contact.

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 21/05/2025 12:56

My exh did such a number on my family when I attended a relatives funeral I was snubbed... Ironically the aunt who had died refused to have him on her home.

Back away and protect your own mh op. Exh told so many lies my dc were very damaged...
Including that I was a prostitute!!
And that half siblings weren't their real siblings. You can't argue with a cunt and win so just walk away.

Original poster
Aqueligia · 21/05/2025 14:21

Ok. Thanks all. I feel really rude just dropping them but I guess they know where I am if they want to keep in touch.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aqueligia · 21/05/2025 14:23

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 21/05/2025 12:56

My exh did such a number on my family when I attended a relatives funeral I was snubbed... Ironically the aunt who had died refused to have him on her home.

Back away and protect your own mh op. Exh told so many lies my dc were very damaged...
Including that I was a prostitute!!
And that half siblings weren't their real siblings. You can't argue with a cunt and win so just walk away.

I’m so sorry. That’s awful. I see a look cross over his friends faces when they see me. It’s barely perceptible and ignore it but it’s there. But that’s so cold. I’d have hoped people would know that there is always more than one version of the truth and these things are complicated. Hope you have good support.

OP posts:
alcoholnightmare · 21/05/2025 14:58

Just been through the same with my in laws - I’ve since asked my ex to tell them not to sporadically contact me ever again… they are in or out.
their loss as ex and I will always spend holidays and birthdays etc together, so they won’t see our children on special occasions. Silly them.

pipersing · 21/05/2025 15:24

Yeah, married for 28 years - not even a text from in laws when we separated. Thought we had a reasonable relationship, clearly I was wrong.

ginasevern · 21/05/2025 15:32

Most people will take the side of "their own". It's a very rare parent (except in extreme cases) that will take their DILs side over their son's. Even if they do rather suspect he was at fault, they're hardly likely to admit it.

Original poster
Aqueligia · 21/05/2025 15:51

I think in their shoes I’d reach out and say something like;

I am really sorry to hear about the divorce. We hope that in time we can keep in touch but won’t for now. But we know this is a tough time for both and hope that you have good support.

Especially with grandchildren involved. So much better of the adults can model good relational skills.

OP posts:
pipersing · 21/05/2025 16:09

Aqueligia · 21/05/2025 15:51

I think in their shoes I’d reach out and say something like;

I am really sorry to hear about the divorce. We hope that in time we can keep in touch but won’t for now. But we know this is a tough time for both and hope that you have good support.

Especially with grandchildren involved. So much better of the adults can model good relational skills.

Edited

unfortunately you’re assuming a level of emotional intelligence for that to happen.

Original poster
Aqueligia · 21/05/2025 20:48

pipersing · 21/05/2025 16:09

unfortunately you’re assuming a level of emotional intelligence for that to happen.

Show quote history

Yes. I think I’ve realised a massive emotional intelligent deficit in lots of people around me recently. Some have been amazing.

OP posts:
OneWittySquid · 22/05/2025 06:26

Surely they can see there grandchildren through their son. I think once your relationship breaks down so does that connection to them, you only know them because of their son once that's severed do they need to maintain a relationship.

arghhhhh123 · 22/05/2025 06:29

My ex cheated on me with a teenager and I became a single parent to a 2YO. His family still dropped me like a hot potato. You’re nothing to them, just let them fade out of your life. It’s not like this for everyone, but I think it is for most.

Original poster
Aqueligia · 22/05/2025 07:03

arghhhhh123 · 22/05/2025 06:29

My ex cheated on me with a teenager and I became a single parent to a 2YO. His family still dropped me like a hot potato. You’re nothing to them, just let them fade out of your life. It’s not like this for everyone, but I think it is for most.

Wow. I think if my son did that I’d want to show some solidarity with his wife too.

OP posts:
HappyToSmile · 22/05/2025 12:48

I'd send relevant christmas/birthday cards if you usually would, but no more. They know where you are.
And as for him saying untruths, let him. Those that are going to believe him, are going to believe him.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 22/05/2025 13:10

His family are going to choose him, even if he tells them the truth, really.

Let it go. It’s normal to lose your IL’s in divorce, it’s just how it is.

lljkk · 22/05/2025 13:15

You could send a note saying "You have been great inlaws & I hope we don't completely lose contact." Light & friendly & not taking sides & your conscience is clear that you tried to establish a friendly tone in any future contact.

It was very awkward for my exMIL when I got divorced, I doubt she knew what to say.

Most people expect to take sides or are afraid of looking disloyal, esp. if the inlaws believe OP has been utterly foul. it could seem like "We don't believe you" message to their son if they got friendly to OP.

MatrixDystopia · 22/05/2025 13:18

It is possible they are waiting to see what contact you want to have so I could see value in messaging once. But it is far more likely they will back their son.

MatrixDystopia · 22/05/2025 13:22

Read up on the Mel Robins Let them approach. There really is no choosing how other people will be towards you. So just let them and keep those whose approach you value. There potentially is some work to be done on exploring how you were able to put up with his behaviour for so long - in case you accidentally transfer the dynamic onto another relationship (kids, his family, friends or a new relarionship).

MauraLabingi · 22/05/2025 13:27

lljkk · 22/05/2025 13:15

You could send a note saying "You have been great inlaws & I hope we don't completely lose contact." Light & friendly & not taking sides & your conscience is clear that you tried to establish a friendly tone in any future contact.

It was very awkward for my exMIL when I got divorced, I doubt she knew what to say.

Most people expect to take sides or are afraid of looking disloyal, esp. if the inlaws believe OP has been utterly foul. it could seem like "We don't believe you" message to their son if they got friendly to OP.

I agree with this idea for a note. Don't bother defending yourself, just basically leave the door open for them.
You want a civil (if not close) relationship because there is the potential for your children eg staying at theirs in future and you needing to phone about something, etc. Or if you bump into them somewhere it would be good for your kids if you can exchange pleasantries and so on.

Original poster
Aqueligia · 22/05/2025 14:50

Yes. I could just send a goodbye type message. No pressure to get in touch.

After 16 years it seems crazy to just walk away without even a goodbye.

OP posts:
vivainsomnia · 23/05/2025 11:02

Is your family in contact with him? Surely it goes both ways?

JohnofWessex · 23/05/2025 12:45

I would never say we were best buddies but my ex in-laws have always been perfectly pleasant

It's just there daughter who isn't

Original poster
Aqueligia · 24/05/2025 21:38

vivainsomnia · 23/05/2025 11:02

Is your family in contact with him? Surely it goes both ways?

Ha ha. I am barely in touch with the little family I have left. He does have contact with my mum though. Although she hates him because of how abusive he’s been. It’s superficial pleasantries.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aqueligia · 24/05/2025 21:39

I imagine my nieces will want contact as they grew up with him as their uncle. He was a good uncle to them.

OP posts: