Parents in law and divorce

[Aqueligia]

I am a long time contributor but have changed my name.

I have filed for divorce because my STBXH has a pattern of becoming very quickly dysregulated and ragey and will be verbally and emotionally abusive. It started happening with DC and so I started to see the pattern.

True to his threat to be unkind if we separated he has been talking to lots of friends and his family and has then said that they all think Xyz about me.

His version of events is that I am the abusive one (classic DARVO if anyone is familiar with that term). You could literally replace him with me and vice versa and his version would be more close to the facts. So he accuses me of being controlling yet it is me that hasn’t been able to live true to myself and has been prevented from all sorts of things.

I haven’t heard from any of the friends or family he is talking to.

I reached out to one set of mutual friends and let them know that our recollection of events is very different but I won’t go into it but to come to me if they have any questions. He talks to the husband freely though so they have his version. One set of mutual friends talked it through and let us know that I can talk to her, and STBXH can talk to him but that they won’t talk to each other. So that they can support us both which was so proactive and thoughtful. One mutual friend I messaged to say to come to me with any questions.

But I’ve not heard from his family. None of them. He has told me ‘they all think’ I’m at fault.

it’s really hard. I sensed his parents pulling away from me for a couple of years so I think he’s been talking me down for a while.

Whats the norm here? Is the onus on me to get I touch with them? Them me? Or do we just cease contact? How does it usually work?

In all honesty if you have joint friends, who have decided to take your ex husband's side, based just on his version of events, I wouldn't want to remain friends with them! Most people realise there's always two sides to every story and that no one knows what goes on in someone else's marriage. As for his parents, he's their son, they're never going to take your side over his. It's rare a parent sides with their SIL or DIL over their own child. I wouldn't try explaining your side to anyone. If these people, including his parents don't want to have a relationship with you, then don't force the issue.

I absolutely agree. But they will side with their blood.

I'm only 6 weeks after Ex has come out as gay and admitted sleeping with someone else too. I am devastated. I've heard nothing from any in-laws at all, we'd been married almost 8 years and find it really odd.

If my brother did that to his wife I'd have kept in touch and apologised for my brother's behaviour. It's my birthday coming up so we'll see if anything is said then. I'm not expecting anything though