Telling DH soon - I am bricking it! Hand hold please 🙏

[SecretsSecretss]

I’m off to pick up the keys to my new place today - I’m excited, scared and multiple other emotions all at the same time. Early next week I will then tell DH our marriage is over and I will move out in a couple of weeks. I am absolutely bricking it - all hell is likely to break loose - he is going to hate my guts 😢

Leaving due to EA/VA and years of horrible disrespectful behaviour/narc behaviour. The worst thing is he’s being very loving recently and this morning he said how I am his best friend and how in love with me he is. I did end our marriage in June last year but he carried on like I hadn’t said anything-I planned and got my ducks in a row.

I’m moving into a lovely little house, right next to a play area and within walking distance of loads of green spaces and shops/cafes. The house itself is really lovely, everything I could have dreamed of for our fresh start.

I am taking our child away for a few nights next week and I plan to message him to request that we discuss separation? He will have 2 days to process then I’ll have to face him in person, he’s going to be devastated and very angry. I’m dreading it -

Seeking a hand hold please 🙏

I filed for divorce and didn't tell dh..
Twas a nerve wracking 2 weeks....
Glad to read about a woman with guts op.

Well bloody done!!

My husband is exactly the same! I told him it was over, I wanted a divorce 10 years ago and he acted like I hadn’t said anything and things just carried on. I finally got the courage this week to decide I’m done.

i posted on here and advice I’ve been given is don’t tell him til I’ve actually gone or about to go! Do you need to give him a couple of weeks notice? If not, tell him when you are out of there - if he realises you are actually serious, his emotional abuse may become physical. They say it’s one of the most dangerous times for a woman.

good luck! Well done for getting your ducks in a row - I’m trying to sort mine now!

Nothing to add except well done and best of luck x

I agree about not giving him notice. Just go.

Thanks both! I can’t believe I am actually doing this - having my own place to go to will be much easier than trying to get him out or fighting over who is the one to leave etc. I didn’t want to go down the occupational order route either - we rent so it’s much simpler. I fear that he will be a dickhead about a lot of things, I fear telling UC that I’m now claiming as a single person and I fear moving the child benefit into my account/our sons DLA etc. I plan to give him a few weeks with us living together but worst case scenario I will just go and rough it in the new house.

Im telling him via text - I feel so guilty!

Are you on the tenancy of your current house?

Definitely do NOT give him notice that you're moving. Just move and THEN tell him.

If you can tie in the financial changes to the date you move out, all the better

Good point. If you are on the current tenancy you'll be liable for rent on both properties until the current tenancy is name changed

Please don’t give him a couple of weeks notice. He sounds dangerous. There’s no way you can live with him once you’ve told him you want a divorce. You need to leave and tell him after. You need to keep you and your child safe.

it isn’t having guts or being brave to tell him face to face. It’s dangerous and really really not a good idea.

Please move out, then file for divorce. You can collect stuff later. You just need to be safe.

I’ll be taking my name off the current tenancy once I’m ready to leave.

Good for you!
Try to line up leaving and financial/tenancy changes with the date you leave. PLEASE don't give him notice. Tell him when you've moved out 🥰❤️

Set up royal mail redirection now. They can email confirmation not via post. He won't know.

Thank you, I will - I wouldn’t put it past him to hide my mail or refuse to hand it over

Unfortunately its not that simple
You will need agreement from your ex and Landlord and you may still be liable for the rent depending on what your contract says

Early next week I will then tell DH our marriage is over and I will move out in a couple of weeks. I am absolutely bricking it - all hell is likely to break loose - he is going to hate my guts

Please don’t tell him until you are in a position to go directly to your new home. You mentioned violent abuse so it might be dangerous for you to remain with him for a couple of weeks after telling him you are leaving.

Also contact utility providers and give meter reads. Affirm you will be paying 50% of the final bill that has your name on. Or he will try stitch you for huge bills further down the line.
Ime.

If I were you, I wouldn't tell him until you are ready to leave, for your own safety. Can you have someone on standby at the house in case he turns ugly? Please plan this carefully and don't stay in the house with him once you've told him.

He’s never been physically abusive but he’s threatened it before. It’s mostly emotional and verbal. But he has physically threatened me in the past.

He’s punched walls and knocked over furniture though.

I’m with a HA and they know of my current situation thankfully.

Oh that is good news
Sounds like you are all sorted then

@SecretsSecretss please also make sure that you do not tell him your new address! he does not need to know that and you can drop your child off for visits. remember childs passport. get a child passport so that you are the one who the passport people contact/

I also came to say don'tI "give him a few weeks with us living together " I'd tell him with someone else and then just leave without giving him your new address. Y9u would be most at risk in this time that you're still together and even if he doesn't physically hurt you, he's going to ramp up his behaviour to try and wrestle back control. All the very best in your new home and with your new life.

Sorry I read va as violent abuse not verbal. Even so I think you should tell him when you can leave immediately. Staying 2 weeks will be tense and miserable if not dangerous

i wouldn’t be giving him any notice as he will do something to scupper plans. get moved in first then just tell him and leave. do not give him new address until you are sure it’s ok to do so