Telling DH soon - I am bricking it! Hand hold please 🙏

[SecretsSecretss]

I’m off to pick up the keys to my new place today - I’m excited, scared and multiple other emotions all at the same time. Early next week I will then tell DH our marriage is over and I will move out in a couple of weeks. I am absolutely bricking it - all hell is likely to break loose - he is going to hate my guts 😢

Leaving due to EA/VA and years of horrible disrespectful behaviour/narc behaviour. The worst thing is he’s being very loving recently and this morning he said how I am his best friend and how in love with me he is. I did end our marriage in June last year but he carried on like I hadn’t said anything-I planned and got my ducks in a row.

I’m moving into a lovely little house, right next to a play area and within walking distance of loads of green spaces and shops/cafes. The house itself is really lovely, everything I could have dreamed of for our fresh start.

I am taking our child away for a few nights next week and I plan to message him to request that we discuss separation? He will have 2 days to process then I’ll have to face him in person, he’s going to be devastated and very angry. I’m dreading it -

Seeking a hand hold please 🙏

The reason he’s being nice is that he’s got wind that something is up. It could be a change in your behaviour, or a letter he’s noticed, a phone call he’s overheard or a message he’s glimpsed.

If the HA know and you are free and clear, don’t tell him until you can go straight away.

Gosh this all sounds like my situation… I found a rental flat (blew all my savings on 6 months rent up front 🫣) and left with both children while he was away. I expected him to blow up/be incredibly angry and I was afraid of him due to escalating verbal abuse and anger issues but instead he has spent the last 6 weeks since we left begging me to come back. It’s like he doesn’t hear me when I say - every single time - that I’m not coming back. I would echo what others have said though and suggest you don’t give him 2 weeks as perhaps he won’t think you really mean it based on previous experience, whereas moving out shows that you really do? (Though mine still doesn’t believe it anyway 😔)
Also a small point but yes do direct your mail through Royal Mail, but if you call them and tell them it’s due to DA they won’t send the letter to your current address to confirm it. But - be warned - so much post comes via other means now and none of that gets redirected!! As my DP has remained civil I’ve been at the house a lot and have collected so much post that is slipping through the net as being delivered by courier services, so that’s annoying.
But you’re doing an amazing thing, please don’t doubt yourself, and if it helps if you do have paid work consider getting yourself signed off sick for a few weeks while you navigate everything? I did that and it was a lifesaver, and the GP has actually been amazing and scheduling regular calls to check on me.

Early next week I will then tell DH our marriage is over and I will move out in a couple of weeks.

Do NOT do this. Can you imagine how awful those couple of weeks are going to be? Even if you don't believe he could be violent to you (have you ever left him before? if not then you can't predict how he'll react) it will be hellish for both of you.

Tell him after you've gone. If you can't wait until your new home is ready then can you stay with family or friends in the meantime? And have witnesses there when you take your stuff (and take lots of photos as proof of what's yours).

This is the most dangerous time for women exiting abusive relationships, I'd be moving to the new place, and meeting him somewhere neutral to tell him you're not going back.

Do not give him two weeks of living with him before you leave, what benefit will that be to you? He's likely being unusally "loving" because he know something is up, it's not for the good of your health. Get some advice from Women's Aid, they have seen this before and will be able to give you some tips.

Lastly well done. Truly. I wish you peace in your new home, hold on to it.

Get anything sentimental or valuable out of the house if you can before you tell him in case he breaks it etc.

After your update about him punching walls and knocking over furniture I'd reconsider the telling him before you go OP. He obviously has the anger in him and it could quite easily be you instead of the wall next time.

100%

To echo what a pp says, your STBXH has the physical aggression to attack walls etc. Don't give him the benefit of the doubt with your safety. Move out ASAP and arrange to meet him somewhere neutral and public. Or tell him via text or messaging service. Prioritise your safety and that of your DS. Don't worry about your XH's feelings or what's appropriate, whatever that means. Also, check your phone, car, bag, coat, etc and your DS's for tracking devices and software. Never underestimate what XH might be capable of.

Well done OP for having the brains and courage to build a new life. You will thank yourself for this forever. I pray you are blessed with so much happiness when you're free from him.

Don’t tell him and then stay for a few weeks. Move out when he isn’t there and then tell
him. Why have you gone to all the trouble of planning everything just to continue living with him after you tell him?
He hasn’t been violent yet but he is abusive… the most dangerous time for a woman is when she tries to leave. Do not put yourself at risk like that.

Please do not give him notice, just go when you can. Speak to womens aid or the Police for advice. Go to your new place but leave a letter saying after he has had time to calm down you will give him the address but until then you will have to meet him in a public place so he can see his child. Never go straight back to your new home, make sure he isn't following you.
A friend of mine left, she left when her abusive Husband was at work, a month later she sent her friends a photo text of her holding a news paper from that day so we know she is safe, she hasn't told us where she is and never will but will check in every Christmas and on our Birthdays. She says she can't begin to tell us how wonderful she feels to be free. She looks 10 years younger and so happy.
Just go and don't listen to a word he says, you know he is a liar and your child needs you to get the both of you away from him. Good luck and enjoy your new peaceful life x