What happens in this situation? Inheritance/assets question

[flockseat]

Can't really believe I'm asking this, but here goes. Please be gentle as I'm not in a good place at all and really struggling.

Been with my DH over 20 years. Teenage DC. The past few years have been pretty bad. Some of this has been down to various stressful challenges we've had to navigate - but the bottom line is, he has a horrible temper, doesn't treat me very well, and cannot seem to communicate like an adult. I've suggested counselling but he refuses. Any attempts to discuss anything result in a row.

At the start of our careers he was the higher earner, and I stupidly went freelance when the kids were young. My income remains unreliable and low, in an industry that is actually on the verge of collapse - masses of people like me all struggling to find work etc.

Part of the reason that we could 'afford' to go freelance in the first place is because my parents (very sadly) both died in a terrible accident over a decade ago, and I inherited a substantial amount of money. Enough to buy a house outright and have some savings left - that I wanted to save to help kids with house deposits/uni etc. When this inheritance came to us, DH was adamant that his own earnings would increase over time, and we would build upon what we had, together.

Trouble is, it hasn't played out that way. DH has walked out of jobs, been fired from another, incurred debt, and made promises that haven't materialised. He is working - but earning WAY less that he 'should' be for his age and level of experience. He's done this safe in the knowledge that we can dip into savings when the boiler breaks or whatever - and our prospects for later life don't look good. We will probably have to sell our house to fund retirement, and can't help our kids as I would have hoped to. I resent this, massively, and am thinking about the future...

I am sure many people might flame me for this, but when my parents died and the money came to us, a family friend advised that DH sign a very basic pre-nup that said this inheritance was mine. He did do this, happily, and while the vast majority of this money has now gone, the house is in my name.

Looking at the other thread where the high-earning/saving woman has been advised that all assets would be split 50/50, what would happen in my situation?

I am fully aware that pre-nups aren't always enforceable - and in my case, I don't even know if the document I have is actually legally binding...

If anyone has any advice on what the situation might be, I would love to know. Thanks.

You need a solicitor to review the document. A prenup is very different to a ring fenced house deposit. One will protect you, the other may or may not.

I'm assuming you are in the UK? Pre-nups are not legally binding. I've been told by friends in family law they increasing hold sway in the court if done correctly and both sides had legal advice before entering into the pre-nup but ultimately if it's deemed unfair it can be ignored in the financial settlement. The needs of the parties will still come first.

Without knowing the wording of the pre-nup, how much legal advice you both had at the time etc it's impossible to say how much of an impact it would have. I would certainly bring a copy of it to the lawyers. However, your post seems to suggest that the house and all savings are the result of this inheritance so it's unlikely you would walk away with all savings and the house after a long marriage. The inheritance was not kept separate and has been used as family money.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It's so hard when a partner hasn't pulled their weight financially and has made things harder and I'm sure it's made that much more difficult when it's your parents money they are walking away with.

My only advice would be the pre-nup's existence could drag you into a big and very expensive legal battle as lawyers argue back and forth. Please think carefully about doing this, I know people who lost everything to prove they were right. You are in the right and it's horrible to give someone your money when they have dragged you down but I've seen it destroy people.

Hope it works out for you!

Thank you. I am in the UK. I've just had a look at the original document. It states that the money from the inheritance is to remain in my sole control and does not form part of our joint assets, and that even in the event of a divorce, my DH will not pursue a claim to this money. It was overseen/signed by a lawyer and DH had a family member who was a lawyer look at it also.

The wording of the document sounds pretty harsh I know - but I think the family friend who urged me to do it was trying to be protective in a very bad time following the sudden and awful death of my parents. It's not like I stuck it in a bank just for me - it was used to buy us a house and pay for kids' school fees.

We built this life together, and made these decisions together, but I am so resentful now that DH seems to be willing to risk what little is left because he has made one shitty career decision after another. It feels like I brought masses to the table and enabled our family to have a good life, as a result of a tragedy.

He now constantly says that I put him under enormous pressure if I ever question his work position or salary. Because he does still earn more than me (though I am trying hard to fix this) he shouts about how all the pressure is on him financially. I actually live frugally on a personal level and ask for so little - all I wanted was to remain in this house that I love and help the kids a bit.

I am just trying to understand my position if we cannot seem to improve matters.

I'm not casting blame but it does seem like the inheritance allowed both of you to avoid having to do work that would have been needed to support the family without it.

I’m sorry about your parents but you can’t be angry with your DH for warning a low wage when you yourself earn a low wage. You are spewing your resentment to Connor your judgement and you need to step back and separate this.

Also does the contract say money or money and properties/goods purchased with the money? Because while you may have wanted control of the money, by investing it into a property /family home during a long term marriage I would be very surprised if its not counted as a joint asset at this point.

I think this is unfair and full of negative judgement. Many people inherit and make decisions like this. (We have). Why wouldn’t you if you had a lot of money and could change your life?

op I’m in a very similar situation (although not divorcing) and I think - although happy to be proved wrong- that after being married for so long and the house being a martial asset etc I think everything will end up being considered jointly, sadly for you.

@Eyesopenwideawake - not entirely accurate. The money has enabled us to live mortgage free and send the kids to an excellent school that they thrive at. BUT we have always both continued to work, and all our household expenses and bills etc are covered from income.

However, DH has made a lot of poor decisions on the work front - as I say he's walked out of jobs knowing that he 'can', and was fired once. He's also made a LOT of promises about his own projected income over the years that have not materialised.

I never earned as much as him historically (work for the third sector) and arguably, it was my own poor decision for me to trust that we could manage with we being freelance - which also felt like the right decision when the kids were small.

Why? @flockseat (are you a saddler?) said;

At the start of our careers he was the higher earner, and I stupidly went freelance when the kids were young. My income remains unreliable and low, in an industry that is actually on the verge of collapse - masses of people like me all struggling to find work etc.
Part of the reason that we could 'afford' to go freelance in the first place is because my parents (very sadly) both died in a terrible accident over a decade ago, and I inherited a substantial amount of money.

So she went freelance - hopefully doing work she loves - because that money was a buffer and he has felt that he had the freedom to walked out of jobs, been fired from another, incurred debt, and made promises that haven't materialised.

My point was simply that they have both made life choices that they probably wouldn't have made if they hadn't, very sadly, had that money.

@OnyourbarksGSG - I do feel resentful, yes. What I am angry about is DH historically taking advantage of our situation by knowing we can fall back on savings. He's walked out of jobs. Turned down jobs. Been fired from jobs.

Now he is working (on a salary that is LESS that his last role) and it's all 'trust me, next year my salary will go up to xx'. But it never happens. I've head it before and I am so sick of it.

@Eyesopenwideawake - but we all make decisions based on our financial position, no? I went freelance because I had 3 kids under 4 (and was also massively bereaved at the time). We didn't have to worry about mortgage payments and I trusted my DH who was in a more lucrative industry than me, and reassured me constantly that things would be okay and his income would only improve and there was a clear projected pathway.

I'm not an idiot by the way - he wasn't saying 'oh as soon as I write this bestseller I'll be earning masses' or anything like that. His line of work has clear pathways and income levels, but he has fucked around with this.

@Picklechicken - thank you for understanding and would love to hear how you are navigating your own situation?

I am just trying to understand my position now. You are probably correct that the house would be viewed as a joint asset now, but I wonder if the split would be a straight 50:50 given the background.

Ok so ignoring the back story:

uk courts can and do disregard pre-nups.

in general during a divorce the first consideration is the children. You have teenage DC. The expectation would be that both parties ideally walk away with enough assets to house the children.

in terms of assets, for the moment ignoring the pre-nup, most families have major assets of house and pensions. What is his pension situation? What is yours?

if assets were split 50:50 would you be able to
buy a house in the local area? Would he?

Past behaviour is not normally considered in an asset split so the fact he’s beeen fired etc wouldn’t be relevant.

I also think the money has enabled both of you to make choices that you otherwise wouldn’t have been able to make, whether it’s you freelancing or DH dicking around, the net results have been the same even though the motivations are (clearly) different.

You honestly need to find a really, really good solicitor and pay for proper advice to know where you stand. 50/50 is a starting point, but obviously kids need to be housed and I’m assuming they won’t want 50/50?

Best advice is to go on facebook, find a group that’s local to you and stuffed with women and make an anonymous post asking for the name of a shit hot divorce lawyer. No-one on here can advise you.

@Octavia64 - thank you. Pension situation is dire, frankly. Both of us were in smaller companies when AE came in, so we've only been building these for the past few years - and DH employers are not generous with contributions. So stupid I know. We do have some money in ISAs, but not a huge amount.

If we did sell the house it wouldn't be enough for us both to buy houses locally - flats perhaps - or smaller houses in a different area. But that leaves the question of later life. Realistically we both have about 15 years of work left, so need to make a plan.

@HelloMyNameIsElderSmurf - yes. I'm not arguing that the money enabled us to make decisions we otherwise wouldn't have done, of course it did.

What I am resentful about is that DH made such decisions (ditching jobs, taking salary cuts etc) continues to do nothing to improve things (when he could), and can't ever seem to communicate like an adult about it. He shouts at me whenever I try to talk about finances or the future and accuses me of putting him under so much pressure to earn more - despite the fact we had this enormous helping hand financially. I feel enormously taken advantage of.

Ok, well in your shoes I would be comparing three situations.

1. Stay.

2 stay until all DC are at uni 3leave now.

stay means that you and he and the DC have a home with no mortgage. That’s a big plus. Depending on where you are, if you plan to downsize/move area when DC finish school or go to uni you can release a lot of capital. I moved from a small house in a very desirable area and now have a 5 bed new build in a much less desirable area with a shit school but have released capital to pay for house deposit for my kids.

stay until DC at uni means no exam disruption. Divorce is very destabilising for kids and personally I’d avoid doing it in an exam year. This would also mean that if assets are split 50:50 you can move to a cheaper area because no need to stay put for schools/childrem

leave now: would probably mean you’d need to try to fund a smaller place in the same area if you want to avoid disruption to your kids. If you don’t have much income and it’s unstable that could be very very difficult.

essentially it comes down to when is a good time to go. I’m assuming you basically don’t care about your H anymore but you do care about your kids.

@Octavia64 - thank you for this very constructive advice. DCs do have public exams coming up in the next few years and I want to minimise disruption for them.

I love our house and area, and had hoped we could remain in this house for the rest of our lives. It makes me feel heartbroken (not to mention even more resentful of DH) that we probably will be forced to sell eventually to release capital, whether or not we stay together. Maybe I will feel differently when the kids have flown the nest and it feels too big? Not sure though - plenty of retired couples on my street whose kids have left!

I do care about my DH to an extent - we have raised some amazing children together - and it hasn't all been bad. But I have lost respect for him, and resent him because he doesn't seem to care much about the future security of us or the kids. I don't seem to be able to come back from that - particularly when his default mode of communication on the topic of career/finances/future is aggressive and disrespectful.

Well you’ve taken low paid unsecure jobs too so and I imagine are not reaching your full earning potential.

you’ll need legal advice re the legal document, if the money was entwined in family use I expect it will end up being largely b disregarded especially if it leaves you with all the assets ( house) and your dh with nothing even more so as it was a decade ago and is entwined in family assets and decisions. But you will need decent paid for legal advice on it

As a matter of interest is your DH likely to receive an inheritance?

@millymollymoomoo - I'm not reaching my full earning potential, but working very hard to change that. It's not easy, for various reasons, but I am pushing on.

@Eyesopenwideawake - nope!

@Eyesopenwideawake - sorry pressed send too quickly. But no. DH's parents are retired and not wealthy. If anything was left after they die (doubtful) it would be shared between DH and his sisters. Far as I know, they have no plans in place or intention to leave anything to their children or grandchildren. Not how I would do things, but that's entirely up to them!

If they have nothing, then how can they make arrangements to leave anything?

The thing is your wages are also unreliable and low and you agent sought to better yourself either. The only thing you have bought to the table is your inheritance which has enabled you also to not have to work as hard as you otherwise would have done

@ElizabethG81 - it's really not the point of the thread. I don't know really what DH's parents have, it's entirely up to them what they do with their money in retirement. But personally, when I'm becoming elderly, I'd be having conversations with my kids about the future and trying to maximise what I might be able to pass on. They are not doing that, but like I said, it's up to them.

@usererror57 - trust me, navigating my freelance career and raising 3 small kids was hard work, particularly when coping with a very brutal bereavement. I have continued to work very hard, and the landscape in my industry has been very challenging for the past 5 years, with a huge number of people out of work entirely. Not making excuses for myself, but I resent the implication that I somehow sat back thinking we could live off my inheritance and DH's earnings. It's simply not the case.

And you know, I did bring a lot to the table. DH isn't doing the same, despite his promises that he would, and that is the problem.

Are you in TV/Media? If so, your decision to go freelance made sense and it’s very, very difficult out there now. You couldn’t have predicted the way it would go with your career.

I wonder if your grief, and the fact that you had tiny children and so limited time to grieve at the time, is making all this much more difficult and entangled emotionally? Your husband’s actions in combination with the unprocessed grief amplifying your feelings. Have you had bereavement counselling?

I wonder also whether you think there could be a way back to your partner if you attended counselling together, he dealt with his temper and was able to hear your concerns around his career trajectory and his frittering away what your parents left.

I think it’s unlikely you could keep the house unless you have other assets you could release to give him a deposit for a new home.