Husband left me

[Bienbien]

Husband of 15 years dropped the bomb on me on Friday. Said that he wants to separate, he doesn’t love me and gave me legal looking framework of the terms of separation, including financials. Then he told the kids, which took all of ten minutes. He moved out yesterday to a flat he has arranged nearby.

I have been pretty much a stay at home mum to our 8 and 11 year old kids for the last few years, with some financial gains from my parents business in another country. He wants to sell the house asap, have me and kids move out and find a flat with a certain amount of money that is not enough to buy a three bedroom where we live. He doesn’t care if I find a decent flat for me and the kids or not. He has offered monthly child support, and is very reluctant to keep paying school fees. He is financially comfortable and the children are used to a fairly high standard of living. I’m not sure if he can rip it all off from them. He wants to see the kids two weekends a month.

He cheated on me seven years ago when the kids were toddlers and was prepared to leave me. I begged. He stayed but has had one foot out the door ever since. He has refused counselling. Has given me no physical or emotional intimacy for years now. He is a workaholic and regularly didn’t come home at night, choosing to stay at work or wherever. I have always done the lions share of childcare and all household chores. I devoted my life to this family and here I am.

I feel like I’m drowning.

Oh op, I’m so sorry. But, having read what you have written, I am absolutely certain this will turn out to be a blessing for you, in the long run, because he sounds utterly bloody vile.
First things first, on Tuesday, get a shit hot solicitor. The cocky twat seems to think he is calling all the shots and making all the decision. That is not how it works! Get some legal advice on what you are entitled to and go from there. Do you have an IRL support?

Well his first mistake is thinking he gets to decide all this! Tuesday AM you get a really great solicitor and start taking the wind out of his sails. If he’s well off, has pensions etc, and you’ve been gone raising his kids you will do a lot better than you think.

And I send love and support to you, it’s not easy but many women have to handle it here on MN and you will get great advice 💐

This is heartbreaking OP.
Let him go but ensure you push back to ensure you and the children are not left in a mess.

I am so sorry.

Take control of your life op. He doesn’t get to decide everything. Get a lawyer, and find your anger - how dare he treat you like this! You’ll look back once this is settled and wonder why you begged this vile man to stay. My ex cheated, it was awful - I got a lawyer, told them what I wanted and let them do their job. I’m much happier now, and you will be too.

You don't sell the house just because he wants to.
Why should you all live in a poky flat? What a selfish man. Tell him you'll have to get a solicitor involved and you'll contact CMS if he's not prepared to be reasonable.

Don't agree to anything and take your time.

See a solicitor after gathering all the information, bank statements, wage slips, pensions, savings, mortgage etc

Hide birth certificates, marriage certificate

Then go at your pace

He doesn’t get to choose the financial terms of your divorce. He’s presenting it as a fait accompli hoping you’ll feel blindsided enough that you’ll just accept his terms. Don’t. Hire a lawyer asap.

If he cheated before and has now made his mind up to end it then I think you need to try and accept it's over, and perhaps for the best. Don't feel rushed into divorce proceedings and selling the family home. Give yourself time to get your head around it so you can be in a good frame of mind to prepare for the divorce proceedings.

What a shock for you OP. I am so sorry, however, I agree with a PP, this is a blessing in disguise. This is an opportunity to stop living a half life and to create the life you deserve with your children. Do not allow him to guide the narrative here. Get legal advice first thing Tuesday morning. Get your hard hat on and battle for what is yours. He does not dictate what you receive on settlement the court does. So be clever and get as much paperwork together as you possibly can. The courts will ensure you are housed sufficiently, there is a 50/50 start point for all marital assets. You will however be expected to show that you make every effort to support yourselves also, as the dc are school age. So start looking for work when this initial shock moves on. I know that's a daunting prospect but, beyond money, that could allow you some time to develop your new sense of you. Get angry, that helps to fight for what is yours. And be kind to yourself also. Do you have friends or family to turn to for support?

He’s had a long time to think about how he wants to play this. He will now treat you as an employee who he can manage out of the home.

He is trying to shaft you. He does not get to decide the terms of the divorce.

Yes, get a divorce. Get away from him ASAP. But get a bloody good divorce lawyer to help protect you and your dc.

The speed of this would suggest that there is more significant news to come@Bienbien. I think you should brace yourself for an OW.

@CagneyNYPD1 is bang on the money, he’s had time to get himself together over this, and it’s brand new to you, so don’t make a single decision or commit to anything without starting your own legal process. Another thing to bear in mind is that a completely unfair financial settlement won’t be accepted by the courts anyway. Getting divorced is one thing, you also need to have what is called a consent order, and that’s the final financial separation. A judge has to decide that’s fair.

Agree to nothing before you have sound legal advice.

It really does sound as though you will be better off in the long term as this is not a good marriage either for you or for the children to witness.

The basic rule here is that he cannot dictate what the terms of your divorce/separation are - he has to abide by the law. So ignore his plan and take your own legal advice.

Men dont usually up sticks to a flat without there being someone else in the shadows. Brace yourself for that.

Right now start looking for a solicitor. Ring some on Tuesday and ask about 30 mins free consultation. See more than one firm if you can and choose the one you get on with best.

Gather paperwork, take copies, pension stuff, download bank statements and account details, Life Insurance stuff etc. make a list.

You and your children will be ok but play your cards close to your chest. Be as secretive as he has been. He doesn’t hold all the cards. You’ll see. Stay strong.

Yes definitely start gathering copies of things, and tell him nothing

As someone in a similar boat (although with a DH who isn't behaving quite as badly) I want to offer support and all my sympathy!!

Do what the PPs have said and see a solicitor asap. And stay put until the finances are properly agreed, this is your children's home. I liked the advice to take your time - try and get some agency back and move the timeline to suit you as far as it can.

For me the best thing has been leaning on my friends and my mum. Do that if you can.

I also agree that it sounds like you're better off without him, he has not been good for you for a long time.

Good luck xxx

Thanks everyone for all the replies.

My parents don’t live here but I have very close friends who are standing by me.

I agree that in the long term, I will be better off without him. Years of hanging around feeling unwanted and unloved has ruined my self esteem. I wouldn’t even get a peck on the cheek on nye or an appreciative word about anything.

I don’t need spousal support from him as I get enough to live on from my parents business but surely he has to provide for the children? A decent house to live in and school fees..is that too much to ask for?

Yes he does and he’s in for a shock!!!!

he may as part of the settlement be required to do so but that will completely depend on his income and assets.this may or not be affordable. there is no automatic entitlement at all.

you will be expected to work to provide fir yourself and the children too.

What is correct is that he doesn’t get to unilaterally decide. You should seek legal advice and agree to nothing until it’s sorted. He’ll be required to disclose all assets. Do you have a good view as to what they are and what his income is ?

He may not have to pay school fees at all. This will be decided through settlement, and op may not get a mortgage free house or he be expected to contribute. Housing of minir children will be a priority in any settlement however

I know what his income is but have no view on whatever savings and stocks etc he has. He is well equipped to pay school fees as he has always done.

He has done yes

but now there will be two households to fund, assets to share between 2, so it might not be possible going forward.or it might, we don’t know

They (mediation/solicitor/court) will look at your needs with regards to the children. Not only are you entitled to 50% of marital assets as this is a “long
marriage” (savings/house/pension/investments) but you will need enough money to provide for the needs of the children. Don’t let him get away with giving you any less. You can argue that you were the primary caregiver and “homemaker”.

You’ll get most of the equity in the house and half his pension. How do you like them apples mister?

no one here can make any statements with any level of accuracy on here @netflixfan

you have no idea if that’s what will happen!