Husband left me

[Bienbien]

Husband of 15 years dropped the bomb on me on Friday. Said that he wants to separate, he doesn’t love me and gave me legal looking framework of the terms of separation, including financials. Then he told the kids, which took all of ten minutes. He moved out yesterday to a flat he has arranged nearby.

I have been pretty much a stay at home mum to our 8 and 11 year old kids for the last few years, with some financial gains from my parents business in another country. He wants to sell the house asap, have me and kids move out and find a flat with a certain amount of money that is not enough to buy a three bedroom where we live. He doesn’t care if I find a decent flat for me and the kids or not. He has offered monthly child support, and is very reluctant to keep paying school fees. He is financially comfortable and the children are used to a fairly high standard of living. I’m not sure if he can rip it all off from them. He wants to see the kids two weekends a month.

He cheated on me seven years ago when the kids were toddlers and was prepared to leave me. I begged. He stayed but has had one foot out the door ever since. He has refused counselling. Has given me no physical or emotional intimacy for years now. He is a workaholic and regularly didn’t come home at night, choosing to stay at work or wherever. I have always done the lions share of childcare and all household chores. I devoted my life to this family and here I am.

I feel like I’m drowning.

He sounds like a sociopath, really. I'm sorry he's done this to you and your children. Protect your kids, yourself and your assets from this loon. Good luck 🙏💐

And neither do you. For all you know, he’s got millions and she will be awarded spousal maintenance?
None of us know, which is why she’s been advised to get decent legal advice.

I think you need to give him the biggest kick ever to
ensure that both his feet are out the door.

He doesn’t deserve you. You can and will survive this and come out the other side

Take your time. Don’t be rushed into any decisions. Focus on you and the children for now and look after yourself first.

i would start by telling him you need 6 months minimum with no changes (such as house moves etc.)

Look into benefits or plan how you can generate income.

Sending you hugs. It doesn’t sound like your missing much and I suspect in the long run your going to
come out of this in a better position.

@Woodenpergola correct
which is why I have not suggested what she’ll definitely get!

to come on and say you’ll get 50%, or he’ll have to house you, or you’ll get more than 50% of house and pension etc is just false and based on no facts as we know nothing about op case.

all we can say is
all assets need including
don’t agree or sign anything
get legal advice
op is entitled to a fair share - which could be less than 50% ( or indeed more)

2 weekends a month! Ffs.
Make him have 50/50 parenting, he thinks he’s going to get it easy, make him sweat!

Don’t be rushed. He has a massive head start and you need time to deal with the shock, immediate fallout and then the long term arrangements. If you can’t agree and have to get finances / house sale decided by court you are looking at at least a year before moving.

Is there a mortgage? Are you on the deeds - if not you have to register your home rights with the land registry. This means he can’t sell or get a loan against the house without your interest in the house being known to a purchaser or mortgage company and they will want your consent.

You may be able to make an interim application to court for school fees.

you should get full disclosure of all financials before mediation. You will need legal advice and possibly specialist financial or pension advice depending on his assets. the more detail you have the more the lawyer will be able to give specific not generic advice.

you can take some time to process, read up, get info together. You can’t make him have the children more than 2 weekends so you or a lawyer can draw up a parenting plan / child maintenance as a short term measure as it’s helpful for your case for him to confirm he intends to do little parenting - but given the finances on both sides are complex that side of things is going to take a lot longer.

I would recommend having minimal contact and using a coparenting app or joint calendar for child arrangements. He’s not your friend and he will be using contact to try and bully or rush you into making decisions that are in his interests not yours.

the gov website and money advice websites have info on immediate steps eg separating bank accounts / credit cards, moving bills, council tax reduction etc. there’s a small amount of stuff it’s sensible to do quickly but the big financial decisions can wait.

I’d get a good lawyer he can’t dictate to you this way - sounds like he’s been planning it for a while

(as an aside though for gods sake woman with children that age and him having an affair and as you put it “having one foot out the door” why did you not get a job and get yourself some financial security and independence over the last 7 years)

Do not do ANYTHING he suggests without running it past a solicitor first

Try to get copies of all financial paperwork if you can

Do not move out of the family home unless advised by a solicitor to do so

Do not rush any of this

He sounds ABSOLUTELY vile 🤢

According to the law yes, yes that is too much to ask for. All He is required to pay is the maintenance amount shown in the calculator.

you might need a job if you want to keep them in a bigger house and at school.

The OP will also be entitled to a share of the marital assets, not just the maintenance amount.

Yes of course I was meaning monthly income, he doesn’t need to pay for a house and the school fees every month. Sorry if that was confusing OP.

Don’t sign anything. This is brutal. Try to accept that this is the new reality and get your own legal advice now. So sorry.

Don't sign anything. You need to see a solicitor. He doesn't get to unilaterally decide what you are getting and when. If you are married you will get a split of the marital assets, savings, inv3stments and his pension. He can't put you our if the house. You need to stay put any solicitor will advise you of that to start. As long as your married. If your not married unfortunately your fucked. You say husband so I hope he is your husband.

I don’t depend on him for my livelihood. I do work from home to help run my parents business and I get enough money from that to run my own life. I also pay for all the extra curricular activities of the children and all their daily life expenses. I pay for most household expenses and bills. He pays mortgage and school fees.

He spends 18hours + at his work everyday, including all school holidays. He works from home on weekends and doesn’t come home most nights. In ten years, we have never had a weeknight family meal. I do all the child raising, ferrying them around, homework, exam prep, school holiday anctivities, everything. His absence from home life means I can’t have an office job. You could argue that I could get a nanny but in London, that means I would spending almost all my salary on childcare, which didn’t make sense to me.

as I mentioned, I don’t need any spousal support from him, nor do I need a big house. Just enough to maintain the children’s current lifestyle, albeit from a small two bed flat.

Tell him you will be instructing a solicitor and they will be in touch with him. Without financial transparency you cannot possibly agree to any kind of financial split.

Some solicitors will do the work for you and then take the fees out of the settlement, rather than you having to pay up front.

The starting point is 50/50 (if you are in England and Wales) but many factors can be taken into account which might change the split in the favour of one spouse or the other. The fact that you have two dependant children for which you are the primary care giver is relevant, and the court will want to ensure that their needs are met appropriately where there is money in the pot to do so. This doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll get to stay in the family home though.

During the process he will need to provide his financial information including his pension, savings, investments etc and you will have a claim over at least half of it.

Are the DC in primary school with the oldest about to move to senior school? It might be worth looking at local state schools to see if there are any available. Unfortunately he is likely too late as applications for state secondary starting September are closed. You need to find out where child will go. You might find you have a good local state option which will mean you don't have the worry of school fees and can get a nicer house.

You don’t need a Nanny with two school aged children. You also don’t need an office job , any job.
As others have said it’s not up to him how this plays out. Contact CMS asap

The Court can make an order to pay school fees it will depend on the individual circumstances eg if dc already attending, it was previously agreed and expected, finances etc. You need legal advice.