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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Has anyone left their kids?

41 replies

Raroge14 · 03/05/2025 22:51

So my marriage is rocky, one minute things are fine/good, the next were arguing and I'm in tears/suicidal.

I actually think they kids/hubby would be better off without me, most of the arguements (that my husband starts) are validly about my behaviour and I just think everyone would be better if I left, I couldn't afford the house (and it's a beautiful one) on my own, I couldn't afford much on my own, OH can, the kids prefer him anyway, I just nag them and I'm not as fun. I really don't think they'd miss me, but would they?

My question is has anyone ever been the one to leave and left the children with their dad? He is a good father so I have no worries leaving them with him, I just know he can do a better job than me.

OP posts:
MuggleMe · 03/05/2025 23:01

Noone should be 'starting arguments' in a marriage. What behaviours does he complain about? I know of one dad solo parenting because the wife just didn't want to do it anymore. You sound downtrodden and taking your husband's view as gospel. I don't see an issue with dads being the primary caregiver but I assume you're still planning on having custody of them some of the time...

Donotpanicoknowpanic · 03/05/2025 23:05

It very much depends on realistically what type of future relationship you can have with your ex

I have my children all the time but everyone knew during the divorce that at the end we would get on together and I would never stop anyone having access to the children

For us it works well, I have them but my ex gets them whenever they want

This would not work for most couples

But if you could make it work then you can do lots of fun things with them but not have overall responsibility for them

I am better at that and find that a lot easier without my ex causing problems

Poonu · 03/05/2025 23:08

A good father doesn't make derogatory comments about the mother

Didntask · 03/05/2025 23:16

My dsis left her children with her ex husband. Whilst their father was (and still is) and excellent parent, I still couldn't believe that she'd done it. How can any mother up and leave their kids? It's beyond me. I find parenting tough. Tbh, I wouldn't do it again if I had my time over. But I'd never leave ds.

Have you had any help/advice/counselling on why you feel like you do?

Theunamedcat · 03/05/2025 23:22

Yes she ran away one day and from the child's perspective never returned turns out years later she tried coming back for her daughter and he told her to do one so she did

I know of someone many MANY years ago who was told she could leave but not see her children again (back in the day when men had the power to do that) she left relocated they found her about 12 months before she died they suffered emotionally from her absence plus I believe he turned on his children after she left

Jibberjabba · 03/05/2025 23:27

Children need their mothers

selffellatingouroborosofhate · 03/05/2025 23:51

are validly about my behaviour

I bet they aren't.

A good father lifts his children's mother up. He doesn't put her down.

GodDamnItFML · 03/05/2025 23:59

I did 😞

there were early teens and felt like they didn’t respect me (a combination of my harsh ineffective parenting style and the way their father treated me) and had started to feel like an outsider in my own family so I thought the best thing was to leave them with their dad who they adored and had a much better relationship with.

The mother/ child relationship never recovered so I do have some regrets but in the long run he’d have made our lives miserable if I’d taken the kids (which I couldn’t have afforded to do anyway)

WorthyOtter · 04/05/2025 00:43

Please don't leave your kids, unless you've done something unforgivable which I'm guessing you haven't, they absolutely need you. Book an appointment with the GP it sounds like you could maybe do with a little bit of support

Eenameenadeeka · 04/05/2025 01:30

Do you have any support for your mental health? It's not right that arguments in your marriage are leaving you feeling suicidal. It's very unlikely that your children will be better off without you unless you are abusive, which it doesn't sound like you are. Do you have anyone you can reach out to, to support you? Perhaps you might be happier outside of the marriage but your children still need a relationship with you as well, you are irreplaceable as their Mum.

legoplaybook · 04/05/2025 01:44

Are you planning to leave them completely, or just be the non-resident parent and still have them every other weekend and a night or two in the week?

If the latter then surely that's fine, lots of parents have joint custody.

NaiceBalonz · 04/05/2025 01:53

If you leave completely, be prepared - rightly - for an incredible level of judgement and scorn from everyone in your life.

4pmwinetimebebeh · 04/05/2025 06:27

It’s impossible for us to know if you’re depressed and worn down from a bad relationship with low self esteem or in fact very astute and aware of your flaws and aerially you are a difficult person. Either way leaving your family seems very extreme and I’d get some support from a friend or counsellor on the situation before doing anything rash. Your kids need their mum Flowers

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 04/05/2025 06:34

How old are your children, OP?

Nifty50something · 04/05/2025 06:40

I don't see why you shouldn't. Men do it all the time. You could be the "fun" parent and take them out at weekends. Leave the hard daily graft to hum.

urbanbuddha · 04/05/2025 06:42

Poonu · 03/05/2025 23:08

A good father doesn't make derogatory comments about the mother

This.
Maybe relationship counselling would help if he agrees to it. You could try talking to Women's Aid - belittling you like this sounds like coercive control.

Here4theWizeOnes · 04/05/2025 07:22

Jibberjabba · 03/05/2025 23:27

Children need their mothers

Depends on the mother.

Sherararara · 04/05/2025 07:27

Poonu · 03/05/2025 23:08

A good father doesn't make derogatory comments about the mother

Such a simplistic statement. If she’s a nitemare to live with for whatever reason and he’s at the end of his tether than he might be entirely justified and splitting up with him as primary care giver might be the best for everyone. The assumption that all men are arseholes all women want to be or should be mothers is dangerous.

StIgantius · 04/05/2025 07:33

Don’t leave your kids.

What are the things he’s starting arguments about? To me you sound so ground down you can’t judge it anymore.

urbanbuddha · 04/05/2025 07:34

Sherararara · 04/05/2025 07:27

Such a simplistic statement. If she’s a nitemare to live with for whatever reason and he’s at the end of his tether than he might be entirely justified and splitting up with him as primary care giver might be the best for everyone. The assumption that all men are arseholes all women want to be or should be mothers is dangerous.

Show quote history

No.
Good parents of either sex never disparage the other - they're a team.

HairyToity · 04/05/2025 07:40

I know someone who had poor mental health, on calling a day to the marriage she offered her husband chance to be main carer. I think she had one night in the week and every other weekend. It worked for them.

Sherararara · 04/05/2025 07:42

urbanbuddha · 04/05/2025 07:34

No.
Good parents of either sex never disparage the other - they're a team.

Show quote history

That’s exactly the point - we’re talking about when one of them isn’t a good parent.

AnnaQuayInTheUk · 04/05/2025 07:44

One of my former neighbours left her husband and then 6 year old child and moved to the UK to live with a man she'd met online. She was judged pretty harshly.

urbanbuddha · 04/05/2025 07:46

Sherararara · 04/05/2025 07:42

That’s exactly the point - we’re talking about when one of them isn’t a good parent.

Show quote history

We only have his word about that - he's convinced his wife that she is the problem. That's what coercive control is. It's illegal.

PineConeOrDogPoo · 04/05/2025 07:46

OP
Before doing something drastic like leaving

A) get individual counselling. What area of your behaviour can you work on. Get yo work on these. Let your H see evidence of your self improvement indirectly

B) Get relationship counselling in parallel

Use Highly skilled, recommended from others counsellors where possible

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