Has anyone left their kids?

[Raroge14]

So my marriage is rocky, one minute things are fine/good, the next were arguing and I'm in tears/suicidal.

I actually think they kids/hubby would be better off without me, most of the arguements (that my husband starts) are validly about my behaviour and I just think everyone would be better if I left, I couldn't afford the house (and it's a beautiful one) on my own, I couldn't afford much on my own, OH can, the kids prefer him anyway, I just nag them and I'm not as fun. I really don't think they'd miss me, but would they?

My question is has anyone ever been the one to leave and left the children with their dad? He is a good father so I have no worries leaving them with him, I just know he can do a better job than me.

I didn’t but there was a time for me where I was definitely the least liked parent & ex husband was the preferred. I thought if I left him I would lose them to him, he would turn them against me & my relationship with them would suffer. That kept me in the marriage longer.

Eventually I did leave with 50/50 time with my children. I am significantly happier & my relationship with my children is close, strong & loving. You may find the same for you, I would say don’t underestimate how a miserable marriage impacts you completely & your parent/child relationship.

The marital assets will be split so it is not about who earns what or who paid for what.
It sounds like everyone is caught in a very toxic situation and that you need help and support from outside the marriage. My sister lived like this being told her behaviour was wrong, it wasn’t she was married to the wrong person, but it took a lot of support to get her to see that.
You nag the kids, well that is parenting getting them out the house to school on time with everything they need - of course he is the fun one, but he isn’t parenting them if it is all fun.
Please get support and find out what you are entitled to. You just sound like my sister did, she made the break made her own life which her children are part of and is so much happier.

Oh and watch this video

Can you do any of the things John Gottman suggests?
Relationships can often be turned around if there are still good periods.

Link^^

PS if you decide to leave these skills will still be very useful when relating with your children!

You really aren’t open to the fact that maybe she actually is the problem are you?
I don’t know either way - it’s impossible to say based on the information provided, but at least I’m open to the possibility that either party, or both, could be at fault.

I am far from convinced that OP is a bad parent just because her husband is more “fun” and she’s left to do all the “nagging” (or the actual hard bit of parenting) plus he starts arguments about it.

Can you tell us more, op?

I am open to that possibility but the evidence in front of me doesn't suggest a bully, it suggests a victim of bullying.

you sound as though you’re highly anxious, and I agree you seem to need to be in a stronger place emotionally in general.. I agree with the posts asking you to seek counselling/ psychotherapy and perhaps anxiety meds from your GP, so you can get some perspective, on how valuable you are to your children, and improve your self esteem. I really hope life improves for you.

I really feel for you, op. You say you’re left in tears or suicidal. I really hope you’re not thinking of suicide. You also say you just nag and you’re not as much fun. What do you feel forced to nag about? Could you stop nagging? Let things go? Have more fun? Might that make your life easier?

You said several disturbing things here. The most obvious being that your husband starts the arguments, albeit about your behaviour. Given you acknowledge some role, you now both need to have counselling to establish how you handle these disagreements.
You also say you’re the one who nags the kids. That tells me you’re doing the heavy lifting. The person nagging is normally the one making sure they get to places, they have clean uniform, they’ve done their homework. Etc etc. Don’t underestimate how undermining it will be for the kids for you to leave them with ‘the fun parent’.

Equally, it can be a very thankless task being a mother, and particularly to teenagers who can be extremely disrespectful. So I would also understand a temptation to step away and allow him to become the primary care caregiver.

And if you do that, that is your prerogative, although society will to some extent censure you because it will be seen as a failure of mothering. Ignore. It also sounds like your ex will use it as further reason to criticise you. Also ignore.

however what I feel you mustn’t do is just walk away from a nice home because, in what sounds to be quite a depressed state, you feel everyone will be better off without you. Even if you do end up leaving, you still need your share of the home.

Or there not a team as there are problems which can not be solved

In which case they might be better splitting

And coming to a mutually beneficial agreement with childcare and finances for the long term

This is perfectly achievable, though sadly most couples do one of the hardest things to do when there relationship is at its worst

Yep.

In my experience, children never get over their mother leaving and issues last long into adulthood.

The same resentment doesn’t seem to remain towards fathers in most cases. I guess it’s a different relationship.

I came from a home where my Mother left and didn’t give a shit about any of her children.
This has caused significant damage to all of us, and it was nearly 40 years ago.
Now I’m a mother myself, I could never in a million years abandon my daughter.
Dont do it, get the help you desperately need, but do not leave your children.
The damage is lifelong.

My MIL's late friend was from a European country. She married and had a son with a man from that country. This was in the 1950s/60s . When the son was 7 she left her husband and son for a British soldier and moved to the UK. She married and had a son with the soldier. He turned out to be abusive so she left him and another 7 year son and went back to her original country. My MIL heard that the UK son did not have a happy childhood being left with the abusive father.

My MIL defends her friend's actions, but would never have behaved like that herself.

yes I did I left my alcoholic ex went thru refuge bed and breakfast with the kids then given a new house. stupidly got involved with a bad man who beat me far worse than ex one daughter went to ex one stayed with me in the end she went too after nearly killing me I went back to my ex i lost the house due to this other man trashing it lost all my stuff including some stuff from my mother who had recently died. i hated being with ex but it was best of bad. then he went back to drinking etc one night he was so drunk he beat me and then urinated on me when he next went on a binge I took his stuff to his friend and told him to stay there.
I moved to a nice flat with the girls at first fine I loved that flat did it up nice so happy but girls were teens so they started being bad drinking one the 14 year old started going out with a boy over 10 years older I was frightened she would get pregnant then it turned out a man i had been with had abused my one daughter so I got reported to social services put on at risk register so many people telling me what i should do or say but no one asking what I wanted or needed. so one day I went to meet this guy got drunk and never went home lost everything girls went to my dads i tried to get home but this bloke knocked my teeth out took great delight in the fact that certain foods were bad memories due to my childhood so would force feed me until i vomited. once he made a hot meal and when I refused he shoved me face first in it burning me.
one day I ran for it and got a train to dads even though i had never got money never got stopped. the girls were then with a foster mum a local woman who I knew whos kid went to school with mine she was letting them stay out late see boyfriends not got to school i should say she was not official foster just a something agreed to help dad as the girls knew her.
she did all she could to blacken me and in the end I had a house the girls sometimes stopped but it was misery in the end I took a massive overdose it was touch and go for me
many years later thanks to my partner I rarely see my kids and all the repair I did is undone