How to remain positive when you feel you’ll never love anyone like you did your ex

[fairydustforme]

Just that really. I was so in love with my ex. He’s the best looking guy I’ve been with, we got along great, he was smart, loyal etc.

He’s currently leaving me as I’m about to turn 40 and I’ve not fallen pregnant since we’ve been TTC. He’s now stated he wants to find a younger woman to have a family with.

I feel so discarded. It’s going to hurt like hell to watch him have the life we planned with someone else. I’ve read the horror stories about OLD and just feel like I’m going to end up either alone or with an old man who won’t excite me anywhere near how my partner did.

Im doing all the right things, trying to look after myself, remain positive, focus on myself etc but I keep coming back to the overwhelming feeling of loss.

We are still living together atm, but he’s turned so cold and distant. I can see him preparing for single life. He no longer contacts me, communicates etc. Has so easily removed me from his life, whilst I’m absolutely heartbroken. How can I ever get over this?

Well I'm surprised if a loyal, smart man would not consider going down the IVF route with the woman he supposedly loves before deciding to leave for a younger model. Have you both had any fertility checks?

That is absolutely brutal to come to terms with, and no wonder as you still have to live with him - I cannot comprehend how you can possibly begin to heal with your current situation.

I'm just so sorry, that is a barbaric way to treat someone.

Is there a plan or time line for formally separating? You had shared hopes and dreams for the future, have you considered what your dreams are without having to consider anything, or anyone else?

The first step is realising that if he can treat you like this he isn't the loyal kind or loving man you thought he was!

Honestly it's all raw. Don't worry about future dating now. Find your anger at his behaviour and work on being happy yourself.

It's shit but it gets easier.

We had fertility checks and both came back fine. We had discussed IVF but he then stated he didn’t want to do it that way. It all happened so quickly, 3 weeks ago we were in what I thought was the perfect relationship, and he’s gone from that to stating that his feelings have changed and he wants to move on and start a new life with someone younger.

He swears there is no one else, although naturally that’s where my head has gone. He has said that he’s still here because he wants to be here at the moment. But is more complicated than that. I own a couple of businesses, one very established, good size, and a new business which is our home. He is asking for me to transfer 20% shares for his financial contribution whilst we have been building it. I think he’s just staying to try and get this in place.

I just feel pretty screwed over on all fronts here.

the hope for the future feels so sad at the moment and I’m worried this will change me forever.

He doesn’t sound like the lovely man you thought he was, sadly.

You need proper legal advice about the businesses.

My ex totally pulled the rug from under me, but quite by chance I soon met someone lovely, and 20 years on I’m still very happy.

I think it's going to be absolutely impossible for you to recover from this at all until one of you moves out. You can't start feeling better while he's still hanging around, being cruel and treating you with contempt. The biggest thing that will help you feel more positive is distance from him.

And then I think it's just about unraveling your idealised version of him from the actual truth of who he is. He isn't kind or loyal. I'm sure there are dozens of other adjectives that you've attributed to him over the course of your relationship that also have proven to be untrue in reality.

After that it's just time I'm afraid. Giving yourself time to come to terms with what's happened. Something that I've found helpful in the past is to carve out a specific time during the day (not immediately before bedtime) e.g. 30 minutes at 6pm, where you allow yourself to worry, to wallow, to ruminate. When negative thoughts and fears crop up during the rest of the time, tell yourself "I'll think about this at 6pm" and then busy yourself and make a very conscious effort to move your thoughts onto something else. When 6pm comes, allow yourself to experience all of those negative emotions and thoughts, but make sure that at the end of the "session" you make a conscious decision to close the book until tomorrow. So something immediately that occupies your mind, or take some exercise, call a friend etc. The idea is that over time, you will find that you can't always remember the particular painful thought you had at 10am that you were going to come back to. And that there will come a day when 6pm rolls around and you think "actually I have better things to do than sit and think about my ex". It will take a long time but that's OK. It's just about trying to restrict your fears and negative thoughts into a more manageable format, rather than experiencing them uncontrollably in a way that completely takes over your life.

I’m sorry to read about your experiences but you stop thinking that a man will be the source of happiness and look for other ways to be fulfilled in life. Put your energy elsewhere.

We women have been brainwashed by romcoms and fairy tales; the truth is that many men turn out to be a huge disappointment. Good luck with your life going forward 💐

He sounds horrendous, OP. Please don't give him any share of the businesses you have worked so hard for unless you are absolutely compelled to in law - he does not deserve your friendship or kindness at this point. He is a callous fuck.

Out of interest, is he younger than you and wants to meet someone the same age as him? Or does he want a woman younger than himself? If the latter, seems pretty repellant - to actively be stating he will seek out a younger woman to impregnate. While hanging around to get his hands on your money...... Why does he imagine young women would want this? He seems weirdly sure of himself, for a bloke who has to screw money out of his ex to get by - not the most universally attractive thing the world has ever known.

You will get over this cunt I promise. And one day, probably quite soon, you will see his repugnant and laughable actions in their true pathetic light, and wonder how you ever bought yourself to have sex with him...

Sorry, as you can tell I am raging on your behalf OP!

Put your business head on here, and get legal advice.
Don't let your hurt dictate how you deal with him professionally- you need this man out of your life . Don't try and be nice and generous in hopes that he will want to be with you. This man is unreliable.
This man seems to have all the power here. Why is he still in the house ? Get him out so you can start to heal

Seek legal advice, get this man out of your life, and perhaps think about what genuine qualities you would like in a partner so perhaps you can look for a deeper connection rather than just looks.

He sounds nasty. In time you will see this, but now you'll need to grieve the person you thought you were with; go through the disbelief, sadness, anger etc. and you'll see genuine people don't instantly walk away from someone they love.
He isn't genuine, he doesn't love you, I'm sorry and it will get better x

He’s 35 & I’m 39. He has stated he wants someone early thirties, yet he’s said that I’m the best person he’s ever met, he wouldn’t let anyone say a bad word about me, he’s not bothered about my age and if it was just about him being happy that he would be staying. But he wants a family, doesn’t want to try with me anymore. He’s even stated that no man really wants a relationship, that he might just be my himself and go and get ‘some council bird’ pregnant so he has his child! These are his actual words. The person he has become is unrecognisable.

When I met him he didn’t have a job, lived at home with his mum and drove an old banger. I encouraged him to seek a new career, supported him whilst he was going through that, encouraged him to dress better etc. In fairness to him he’s done amazingly well and now has a fantastic job, earns excellent money, we got him a nice car, without being too big headed we live in the dream setting, although admittedly my dream. It’s just hurtful he can go from being what I thought was the fairytale to him wanting the polar opposite of what we’ve worked towards. And to blame the fact I’ve not fallen pregnant seems so cruel.

it’s really helping to write this down, so thank you for giving me a safe space to air this, as I can’t discuss it with him, I’m not allowed to talk about any of it as I ‘ruin his day’.

I'm sorry he's doing this to you. You're still young, please don't let him make you feel insecure about your age. He probably thinks it's going to be easy to get someone early 30's, but he might actually struggle.

Also, I heard some advice recently not to 'build men up'. Because apparently when you level them up they think they can do better than you, when in fact they can't.

I went though one of the toughest heartbreaks of my life in 2023, and I never thought I would get to the other side of it, but I did. 'Time is a healer' is actually true and one day you will feel better. You even start to forget them.

Also please don't give him any shares of the company. And listen to PP when they say seek legal counsel now.

Also he's gross about knocking up a 'council bird' he sounds like a disgusting pig

He's horrendous OP, you've not lost a gem you've lost a person who was a drain on your sanity.

Do not give him a penny. And send him back to his parents

You'll soon get over it when you realise what a selfish prick he is. My lovely BIL went through years of IVF with my DSIS because he loves her and they have just had their first baby.
This is a time to use your head not your heart . Your heart is for people who love you 😘

He is not loyal and not as nice as you tried to describe him in your first post. The sooner he moves out the sooner you realise that yourself too. If he really loved you he would have explored other fertility options with you, you would have worked as a team together.
Maybe you got a silver lining here and the sooner the bastard leaves the sooner you find someone really special who you may as well still have children with! Please don't be in despair, you have your whole life ahead, but he must go. Don't even think about giving him any shares in your business!

Get a solicitor, get the date of separation officially noted and start working on the financial split.

I've both experienced this and seen this before.

A woman with drive and ambition gets together with a less successful man (by society’s standards). She potentially has a house, car, more successful career etc and he rents/is out of work/on minimum wage.

She lifts him up with financial and practical support. Rewriting his CV, coaching him through interviews and applications, training him in a task/profession he doesn’t previously know; life looks to be on the up.

Then the man, when out in the real world, starts realising that people look at him differently. He’s noted as the smartly dressed, successful, confident man with the nice house and the nice car and the nice standard of living, and people start treating him differently. There are admiring glances, hints of jealousy, praise and admiration.

But at home, with his partner, they treat him the same because they’ve seen him in the rough times, they’ve bailed him out, been his teacher and his comforter.

The man starts preferring the admiring gaze of strangers, to the knowing gaze of his partner and he moves on without her, preferring the ego boost of the new world he’s now a part of.

i believe that’s what’s happening here.

You won’t get him back (unless he falls on his arse and needs you back to rescue him). He wants someone who sees him as the teacher, not the student.

In short, he’s used you to get a step up and now he’s on that higher level he wants someone who never knew he was on the lower one.

There probably is another woman as well, even one that’s just been flirting with him, rather than an outright affair. He’ll have told her that your success is down to him and he’s a self-made man and blurred over your assistance in his growth completely.

It’s more common than you think.

My advice for you would be to think about some counselling or therapy. Your posts refer to a lot of very shallow attributes as the basis for your relationship. There seems to be some very strong and negative social conditioning going on in your life. Or you haven’t come close to connecting with your real feelings or have a means to express them.

Being good looking and have an amazing job do not maketh the man. A dream house doesn’t make the relationship. I can honestly say losing those things aren’t what caused me pain in my life.

Is this your first or only long term relationship? If not how does it compare to the others and the things you aspired to.

You haven't said if you are married or not, I hope and assume not or he would be asking for (and potentially be entitled to) more then 20% of your businesses.

Is his name on the house or busineses? If not and you aren't married I would get him out. You can't grieve the relationship while he is there. It's ever so convenient for him to still have a roof over his head while he scouts out better options, still giving you a sliver of hope perhaps that he will change his mind. Do you pay more of the bills/do more of the house work too?

He is the one who has ended the relationship but it looks like you (as ever it seems) need to be the one that does the donkey work of actually separating.

Hi

He is a horrendously shallow selfish little boy. Get him out of your life and you will look back and thank yourself you did!

He sounds like a lying using prick who has taken all you’ve got to give and thinks that’s somehow ok.

I think the baby stuff is a red herring. He’s realised that there’s a single millionairess in the area and is going to try his luck with her.

Over my dead body would I be transferring anything to him. I’d be getting legal advice, getting my ducks in a row, and getting him to fuck.

Raging for you that he’s treated you so badly. After all youve done for him. Prick.

PS Dont give in and think “ he’ll respect or love be again if I just do this or that or give him this or that” in the split. He’s a cold, calculating using bastard and he won’t change. Give him nowt more than he’s entitled to. Be cold and don’t think with your heart. Youre better off without him and there are good guys out there so you’ll be fine. You don’t need one to make you whole and you don’t need a prick like him in your life. Sorry youre going through this.

I don’t think we ever love anyone again the way we loved the first time. But it’s not necessarily a bad thing.

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. It’s a massive betrayal, and absolutely callous and vicious of him.

He isn’t the person you fell in love with - that person doesn’t exist. And likely never did. He has shown you who he is. The route to your recovery is to believe him.

The person I feel sorriest for is his next victim - the way he talks about women is diagusting (younger, some council bird). He is utterly revolting, but we all know how oblivious we can be.

But on a very serious note, right now you’re being emotionally abused and for your safety I would recommend you get him out (or you leave) and block him. The positives
he’s said that I’m the best person he’s ever met, he wouldn’t let anyone say a bad word about me, he’s not bothered about my age and if it was just about him being happy that he would be staying
are more damaging than the nasty, hurtful things because they train you to beg for crumbs.

Seek out legal advice, get everything in writing, and whatever you agree on, make sure you never have to deal with him again.

Sounds like there is someone else or at least he’s got signals that he can score with other younger women. He sounds shallow, selfish and not someone you’d want to grow old and wrinkly with (he could leave any any point for someone younger). Probably best you found out before having kids with this prized man.

i hope you pay him out rather than give him a % in your business or you’ll be ‘serving’ him for the rest of your life. Please think with your head and not your heart when deciding. Take a loan if needed to repay/sever all ties.

He is behaving horrendously Op. In truth, I don’t think think this is really about having a baby with you. He’s lying about that. His current behaviour is who he really is; arrogant, incredibly self important, selfish and cruel.

The council bird statement alone should be enough to tell you this man is morally bankrupt. And people don’t change overnight, he’s just revealing who he really is.

Please take legal advice, do everything in your power to remove him from your life and then avoid all contact with him. Anything he does now will only hurt you more. Sending you the strength to explode those rose tinted lenses.

If you’re not married, you don’t have to give him a thing. Don’t let him bully you into it (or charm you, if he tries that route).
If the house isn’t in his name, I’d be making him leave immediately.
He sounds deeply unpleasant and the baby thing sounds like an excuse, in order to pin the blame on you. Fact is, if both of you came back fine, he may not manage getting someone else pregnant!