Divorcing someone with severe MH issues

[Vikingur]

Can't believe I'm actually asking this, but after 23 years what I'd thought was a pretty sound marriage I've come to the conclusion that the only thing I can do to save my sanity is divorce.

DH and I have been together since our mid-20s, married in our 30s, travelled a lot, had some great times. Settled down and when children didn't happen focussed on finding careers we could enjoy. In his 40s he became more temperamental and had some issues with work colleagues and was diagnosed as ADHD, which made sense of certain things. The diagnosis changed him: he'd spent a lot of time covering up and now he felt he didn't need to. Life got a lot more up and down.

Then around 14 months ago he started talking more and louder, not listening, having weird ideas — including the conviction that I was having an affair with someone else. He couldn't relax, always fidgety and increasingly anxious. It crept up slowly and came to head when he had a couple of major confrontations with people at work and made some serious errors. He was suspended and referred to occupational health, where he was offered psychiatric support which he refused. After a few weeks he resigned. I imagine they were relieved.

He's continued to get worse. He won't see a doctor or a MH professional, but he did come to couples counselling for three sessions, after which the therapist refused to carry on because she said that in her opinion, he was borderline psychotic. I think I was in denial for a long time but she was right. He's out of control. At one point he brought a homeless man home and insisted he stayed with us: it took me a week to get him out. He's blown £40k in savings, mainly his own, just giving people money. The police brought him home one afternoon after a woman saw him give her young daughter a £20 note and thought he was soliciting her.

I moved out in March and I'm sharing with a friend. He's pestered her, he thinks we're having a lesbian affair and he sometimes turns up and causes a scene. All his friends have had to block him, he's so full-on and unreasonable. The police are involved and they've been really good and have alerted social services.

I've always had my own work and savings and I own half the house, which we paid off a few years ago, so I have a lot of equity. Unfortunately in recent weeks DH has decided to 'improve' the house by painting several rooms red, ripping out the banisters, taking down the curtains and blinds and putting furniture in the front garden. The neighbours aren't happy.

Social services have visited three time and say that he's manic but not worryingly so and until he becomes a physical danger to himself or others they can't section him. The person I spoke to said she was impressed that he's eating well and looking after himself — clean, dressed appropriately. In the meantime he's ripped through the joint account we both pay into each month, and which had about £8k in it. I'm having to cover the whole Council Tax bill and utilities. I've had to talk to the bank and the Land Registry so he can't sell or give the house away without my permission.

I thought we were getting to a stage when we could think about retiring at 57 or 58. Now I feel as if I've woken up from a long delusion and I look back at some patches in our past and can see that there has been something going on for a long time. It really is time to split and move on alone. I love him but I don't want to be with him.

So my question. Has anyone else divorced in circumstances similar to this? I've spoken to one solicitor who seemed unsure about the situation with regard to DH's capacity, but admitted that this was not a situation she'd come across before. She did say it will possibly involve court intervention and could end up being very expensive. He will, I'm sure, fight it every step of the way. He denies he's ill and he won't get help. He tells everyone that I'm having an affair, I've got early onset dementia or I have a brain tumour that's making me behave strangely. How we can sell the house when he's like this I don't know. I just don't know anything at the moment. It feels like the most awful mess. If anyone has been there and come out the other side, please tell me how you did it.

Where are his family in this? They need to step up.

I know this is not what you are asking but I work in MH and am not impressed with their reason for not detaining him.. he is clearly unwell abs destroying his life. He easily meets the criteria for a s2.

it is unclear if you are his nearest relative in the eyes of the mental health act but if you are you can ask for a mental health act assessment.

have you spoken to his GP?

he has lost touch with reality so you are not going to be able to do anything easily.

my ex has psychosis. It’s a nightmare. Lots of police and lots of court. He has no insight but services are still involved and he was detained.

good luck OP. You are going to need it.

What a difficult situation.
I wonder if comparable situations may more often be seen when dementia is involved. There must be a mental health charity that could advise.
It looks like there may be a pathway to force sale of the house while still married and tackle divorce later, but you’d need legal advice, it may not be easy https://www.gov.uk/joint-property-ownership/selling-when-an-owner-has-lost-mental-capacity
It might be a more well trodden path to move back in and get your husband into treatment and/or removed from the house.
And to see if you can get something like power of attorney to make any decisions for him while he lacks mental capacity.

It sounds like treatment is what he really needs, though I appreciate he’s not accepting that. It sounds like his mental health is deteriorating rapidly, which may mean things quickly get to a point where he is seen as a danger to himself or others, is sectioned, medicated, and could then potentially be back to a much more reasonable self. You might possibly not even need divorce if he recovers on medication, regains insight and accepts regular medication. But the earlier the intervention the better for psychosis. That point is probably earlier reached or detected while he has you or someone living with him, though I appreciate you don’t want to put yourself at risk or through intense daily stress. To be honest removing bannisters sounds like his illness is affecting his safety, though I’m not a professional authorised to judge these things. If not you, does he have any family who could help him come round to the idea of seeing a doctor or mental health nurse? It seems you and his friends have all understandably distanced yourselves, but you are potentially the people he most needs to get him help if he has lost mental capacity and insight.

You describe a lot of police/SS involvement, but not healthcare which is what it sounds like he needs, though he won’t engage. Have you explained the full situation to his GP including losing his job, and the counsellor’s assessment? Could the GP or community mental health team invite him for a medication review - which is likely needed anyway if he’s prescribed medication and this big decline in mental health has occurred - and maybe home visit if he won’t attend? What if it was all side effects of ADHD medication - they must have some kind of duty of care to monitor how he is on meds and the community mental health team will be experienced in dealing with people who are suffering mental ill health and don’t want to engage.

Having been through a divorce with an ex who lied, it was brutal and expensive and I felt in hindsight I might have done better as a litigant in person than with a solicitor. You’d need a lot of evidence which the police/social services trail should help with. Photo the red walls/missing bannister etc, have others witness his behaviour. But courts can be weird places, reality gets twisted all over the place and there is probably a lot of protection for people with ill health or lacking mental capacity. I wonder if a court might see him as having much greater financial needs than you currently due to being too unwell to work. I think I would want to ensure I’d thrown everything I could at getting him treatment before going near a divorce.
But like I said at the start, there will be a mental health/carers charity out there that can advise on all this. It will be common for severe mental health issues to cause immense difficulties for family and friends and there will be experts out there to help and pathways to deal with things. Best wishes.

I actually agree with the above pp but didn’t want to say move back in in case that was upsetting.

but yes move back in. Then you are definitely his nearest relative. You have rights under the mental health act. You can ask for a mental health act assessment. He needs treatment.

in days before the cuts GP’s would have been very involved with these things … they still will be if you advocate for him very hard. He is unwell. He is not engaging. The mental health act exists because it is well recognised that those with mental illness do not always have insight but need treatment . Good luck

I'm not upset but I'm quite shocked that anyone would suggest moving back in with him in this state.

He refuses to let me sleep in a separate room. He says it's because he's concerned about me, because of my (imagined) dementia/ brain tumour/ infidelity. He's up much of the night because he's manic, so I don't get any sleep — and frankly I'm scared of him. He wants us to have sex and is very angry that I'm refusing. I don't doubt that if I went back I'd have to fight him off. He's also always pestering me for money. He's said that if he isn't with me all the time in the house then I'll sneak one of my many and various (imagined) lovers in, so he is all over me any time we're together. He's in a very strange space: tells me he loves me, wants to be with me and look after me because I'm the mad one.

He's had a SS assessment: the assessor told me he's manic but she wouldn't classify him as psychotic, though she agreed he may have psychotic episodes. She was impressed that he made her a cup of tea in a clean cup, with fresh milk. He apparently discussed his health regime with her and she was impressed by his healthy diet. I spoke to her for about half an hour and among the things she mentioned was the fact that he does get some sleep, and he's eating well, brushing his teeth, getting his hair cut, even planting some plants in the garden: she felt he was actively maintaining his 'high' state. She did not regard him as lacking capacity. She said 'capacity' is a very elastic term and he clearly has the capacity to look after himself. She is aware that he's fixated on me and certainly didn't suggest that I go back to him.

He alienated most of his small family a couple of years ago, when he had a difficult patch. He put it down to his ADHD and them being unable to understand it. They never properly made it up, and for the last few months he's been bombarding them with messages and phone calls full of unreasonable expectations and accusations. His mum's in her late 70s and not well herself. His brothers have just shrugged and said DH has always been difficult to deal with and they've had enough. His sister is in Scotland and we very rarely see her. She iinitially fell for the 'Vikingur's having an affair/ dementia/ brain tumour' lies and was very sympathetic to him, but she sent him £400 when he requested it and he asked for a lot more, so she has now blocked him. I message all of them occasionally, asking for opinions and information and they rarely respond.

His GP is very aware of what's going on and has tried to lure him into the surgery for an annual health check and various other enticements (flu vaccine etc) but unless DH agrees to go in there is nothing that can be done.

I don't have any experience with the divorce but I do have experience with MH issues and please DO NOT MOVE BACK IN with him. He should he locked up in a psychiatric unit and under supervision. You are not equipped to help him. But I have no clue what to do in terms of practical help and how to get him the attention from the medical team.

Former IMHA(independent mental health advocate- I specialise in patient rights under Mental health act) here.
you are married and therefore under the mental health act considered his “nearest relative”. You can request a mental health act assessment as his NR. Call your local authority should be an option to be transferred to the team who do it.
note that they will consider request but can decline it

SS are not qualified to diagnose whether or not he is psychotic or has capacity. Only a psychiatrist can do that. I would personally ring the crisis team for your local area. The number will be on your NHS trust website

Honestly, he urgently needs health services intervention. Urgently. I hope you are able to help him get this. Please don't interpret this as me saying it's your responsibility to sort it all out, but I am a little surprised that someone so obviously unwell is not able to get help (although I work in the NHS, so maybe I shouldn't be). Good luck OP.

I really appreciate your responses. I've been in contact a number of times with SS and I've spoken to someone on the crisis team. Also talked to a couple of the MH charities for advice. And the GP.

DH has no previous documented history of MH issues so is an unknown quantity to everyone. I think it was the police involvement that got SS moving. The woman from SS who went to see him wasn't a psychiatrist, I understand that, but she deals with this sort of thing regularly so I imagine she knows what she's talking about. I don't know whether she/ SS are having any further involvement, but DH was very clear that he didn't need or want help. I'm trying to have very limited contact with him so I don't know what's happening. I have no experience of anything like this, no idea what it's reasonable to expect. Will they keep me informed of what's happening?

Is he medicated for his adhd?

Because if he's taking a higher dose than he needs, it can cause manic behaviour/ psychosis.

I found this out in person after being warned, I could feel I wasn't 'right' and dropped down.

I wouldn't suggest moving back in, that's clearly dangerous. But he does need to be assessed properly and sectioned.

No experience with the rest, so can only say take care and good luck. Which sounds pants.

He was given medication when he was first diagnosed but experimented with it for a while and then came off it. I tried to encourage him to stay on it because it did seem to help. I suppose it's possible that he has been back on it and is taking too much, but if so he's kept it secret. I can ask the professionals to ask him if they haven't already. Thanks for the suggestion.

Sorry, I don’t mean that you should move back in with him as any kind of long term plan or with any intention of rekindling a relationship, or at all if it puts you in danger.
But if his treatment depends on him being assessed as a physical danger to himself or others, then you asserting your right to live in your own home could tip the scales on that assessment. Just saying to GP/SS that your current lodgings with your friend are ending and you need to move back in might be enough without you actually needing to do it- or if needed maybe you could do it on paper only.
The SS visitor could have been an AMPH doing a formal mental health act assessment or just a social worker evaluating whether one is needed…but either way that assessment needs redoing if things significantly change, and I would think you saying you will be moving back in, or need to move back in, but are scared that he will sexually assault you due to his mania and delusions and that he has previously said and done XYZ to you and about you should tip the scales on that assessment.

Also unfortunately there is an element of needing to be persistent, services are busy and may assume if they don’t hear any more then the problem has gone away. You may need to make repeated calls, and be clear to services that while you were initially in denial you have realised he is seriously mentally unwell, is only deteriorating and needs to be helped now, instead of them allowing him to deteriorate further and his behaviour extending to affect more people like schoolgirls in the street. I would have thought the combination of mania observed by SS, wife reporting attempted/threatened sexual assault and that he is only worsening and him approaching a schoolgirl with money should be enough to make any social worker think it’s time to find an inpatient bed for this man, however smartly he may be dressed. Caveat I am not SS though.
Good luck.

I’m really sorry to hear this. It sounds awful for you and can’t be great for him either (even if he may not quite realise it at the moment) x

Regarding him approaching a child and offering £20, I feel certain there was no element of soliciting involved and I think the police accepted that too. He has given all kinds of people money. Only one person — the mother of this girl — ever objected.

He's certain he's well. He's on a massive high. He can't understand why everyone else — me, his friends, his family — have all gone crazy on him at the same time. He has said that now he's so well and happy, we all resent him and have cut him off. He also wonders whether there's some kind of virus going round that is giving us all dementia/ wiping out our old selves/ turning us into zombies.

Yes sorry I don’t mean to cast aspersions on him…just trying to help you find ways to put things together that might help him get treatment, and you get to live peacefully in your house.

Thank you, but what I really need is informed legal advice. If anyone has divorced someone with MH issues it would be really helpful to know more about the process and how their illness affected the length of time and cost.

https://www.gov.uk/divorce/if-your-husband-or-wife-lacks-mental-capacity

Is he taking ADHD medication? My MIL developed psychosis/mania a few months after starting her ADHD medication. The crisis team were involved at one point who said they believe she is in psychosis, but couldn’t section her.

They told her to stop taking the medication, which she pretended to do, but was secretly taking it. She then had a video consultation with her psychiatrist and managed to convince him she’s not in psychosis and that my FIL is abusive and trying to get her sectioned, he then wrote to the crisis team, who saw her again and said they couldn’t decide whether my MIL is in psychosis or whether my FIL is abusive, so if she wants to she can continue taking the medication.

Her and my FIL have now separated as she became obsessed with the idea that he was spying on her and conning her out of money and ultimately became violent towards him (tried to stab him). She’s now living with her parents and appears to still be in psychosis over a year later.

https://www.martinshepherd.co.uk/is-it-possible-to-divorce-a-person-who-lacks-mental-capacity/

I have found this link but the first step in the whole process is getting a diagnosis for him so that you have established he lacks capacity. Without the diagnosis he will be deemed to have the mental capacity.

I am nearly there in divorcing someone with mh issues but it has been a long (and expensive) road and I am into year 8. It is a nightmare (and scary) dealing with someone who is psychotic and I really feel for you. My dh also thought there was nothing wrong with him and I also left marital home for safety reasons. The whole capacity thing is horrendous as it can be fluid. If they are deemed not to have capacity then you need someone to act as a litigation friend. My solicitors recommended asking a family member to do this as the alternative is a court appointed solicitor which they said was even more expensive. His relative got deputyship through the court of protection but when I then filed for divorce they said they needed another order for them to act as litigation friend. This was despite my clearly stating I requested this on the initial deputyship documents and that these can be granted together. The court of protection is slow (think months to years) and quite frankly not fit for purpose. It was bad before Covid and got worse. I haven’t had any dealing with them for a while but I’d be surprised if it has improved and if course you have no control as it is all about protecting him! My DH was sectioned and has remained so but when he was eventually sectioned I found that they would say he had capacity one day and not the next and it was tricky getting any information. My dh also had engagement with mh services before I had to leave the home so I had had contact with crisis and community team but had to push and push constantly. I was lucky in that when he was sectioned I was able to return to the home but it was very stressful not knowing initially how long he would be in hospital for etc. Eventually after 4/5 years a psychiatrist did an assessment and he was deemed to have capacity (despite still being under section) and I was able to progress, still agonisingly slowly, with the divorce.

@Keeppeddling, thank you so much for telling me your story, depressing and exhaustion-inducing as it is. The prospect of this going on for eight years is daunting. I am sorry for your husband: he is clearly very unwell indeed and that must be distressing. But I'm pleased for you that you will soon be free.

I have, as suggested by PPs, persisted with the crisis team and he has now been seen by a psychologist who thought he wasn't psychotic and today by a psychiatrist who thought he was having psychotic episodes. He's not been sectioned, but I understand they will be keeping an eye on him. He continues to deny that he is unwell. I've asked about his ADHD meds and whether they could be causing it, but he denies having any and I understand he hasn't had a prescription for a couple of years so that's been ruled out. I've been referred to a solicitor who has experience with cases such as these and I'm seeing her next week.

Every day brings a new dilemma. The house insurance is due for renewal at the end of June. It's one of the bills I've always paid and now I have to work out whether to tell them I've moved out and that DH is mentally ill, or run the risk of them refusing a claim if he does something stupid like set the place alight. I've taken the car away with me because he really shouldn't be driving in this state, but should I take him off the car insurance completely? Speak to the DVLA? All this is new to me. Maybe the solicitor will be able to help me with that. DH really needs someone to advocate for him, even if it's just to talk to the council or put in an application for benefits.

Good for you for persisting OP. It sounds like you’re making progress. The psychiatrist is more important than the psychologist as they are a medical dr and can diagnose and medicate, so it’s great that they picked up on your husband’s psychotic episodes - do you know if medication has been prescribed for and accepted by your husband? That could be a turning point.

I wonder if it’s worth raising your concerns about fire and driving (and removing bannisters etc) with the mental health team and/or SS and enquiring if there’s any more supported housing options for your husband and what the process would be to make that happen. Now a psychiatrist has diagnosed psychotic episodes that is more concrete for them to work with. Even though you’ve taken the car I presume there’s still a risk he could buy or hire one. In general health I think Drs often advise when you need to tell DVLA about conditions, so I imagine the MH team could probably advise on this too. It looks like DVLA probably do need to be told if the psychiatrist has picked up psychosis- and adhering to treatment would be needed to get the licence back so maybe there’s an incentive for him there too. https://www.gov.uk/guidance/psychiatric-disorders-assessing-fitness-to-drive#psychotic-disorder--including-acute-episode

Sorry I know I can’t offer the level of expert guidance you want but I hope it’s helpful to be heard at least. I feel for you, it is a really tough position to be in.

It sounds like you need to move back into the family home and have an injunction placed upon him given he is threatening you and pestering you sexually.

He may even get more support if presenting as ‘homeless’

I would also be flagged up you are currently separated to any pertinent financial institutions just in case he runs up debts in joint names.

He has been prescribed medication, but whether he is taking it or not we'll have to wait and see. Fingers crossed that it helps.

We've had completely separate finances for some years, partly because his ADHD has, in the past, led to some impulsive spending. We dealt with that by him having a standing order that transferred his share of our bills to me within 48 hours of him being paid. Obviously he hasn't been working and he's given away all his personal savings, so all the bills are falling to me at the moment. I can manage as long as we don't incur any major expenses. If the solicitor is going to cost £££££s I'm going to have to keep working for the foreseeable.

I'll see if I can arrange a meeting with SS to run through all the questions about insurance and driving licence etc. Will he have been allocated a social worker or is it just the MH crisis team involved with him now? I've never had any contact with SS or the MH service before and I rarely seem to talk to the same person twice. I'm getting better at taking peoples' names and job titles and asking questions about which teams they're attached to now, but it's taking me time to work out who does what and who they work with.

That is great news that your husband has been prescribed medication. I hope it helps him. I imagine some kind of check-ins will be in place with probably a nurse from the crisis team or community MH team monitoring at some regular interval, aiming to get him stable on meds but also keeping an eye out for symptoms or deterioration and if he might need admission to hospital. It could take a while to find the right meds/dose.

You may be able to get advice from citizens advice re benefits. You may as well help him claim what he can, or flag to the MH team that he needs help to do so Legal bills can get big quickly, benefits will only go so far but every little helps.

Crisis teams can work 24/7 or long hours so you end up speaking to whoever is on shift at the time. When things settle from crisis I would think he would likely have a named mental health nurse monitoring regularly. There are specific social workers for MH, I know they allocate one as a named care co-ordinator for MH inpatients but not sure if they do or not in the community. There should be someone somewhere though, probably the named nurse, that is responsible for care planning and in mental health that is quite holistic, involves family input and can cover housing (they will link to all kinds of agencies including housing) so I would say it would be worth trying to connect with whoever will be planning his care now, starting by asking the crisis team who that will be and can they involve you, and make sure they’re aware that you would like to live safely in your house and don’t think he’s safe there if he’s taking bannisters off and don’t feel safe there yourself with him around. I’d aim to get the plan started in the direction you want, as if they plan it all around supporting him to live there it may be harder to change later.

Now he is diagnosed and in treatment you should find things get more joined up, the teams work together and will signpost you as needed. I think it’s probably the MH team rather than SS to start with now he’s in their care and they can pull in SS re housing etc if needed. A lot could change in the next few weeks so it may be too early to plan re house insurance at end of June yet.

Good luck OP, I hope things take a turn upwards now he is in treatment. It could be a busy few weeks.