Divorcing someone with severe MH issues

[Vikingur]

Can't believe I'm actually asking this, but after 23 years what I'd thought was a pretty sound marriage I've come to the conclusion that the only thing I can do to save my sanity is divorce.

DH and I have been together since our mid-20s, married in our 30s, travelled a lot, had some great times. Settled down and when children didn't happen focussed on finding careers we could enjoy. In his 40s he became more temperamental and had some issues with work colleagues and was diagnosed as ADHD, which made sense of certain things. The diagnosis changed him: he'd spent a lot of time covering up and now he felt he didn't need to. Life got a lot more up and down.

Then around 14 months ago he started talking more and louder, not listening, having weird ideas — including the conviction that I was having an affair with someone else. He couldn't relax, always fidgety and increasingly anxious. It crept up slowly and came to head when he had a couple of major confrontations with people at work and made some serious errors. He was suspended and referred to occupational health, where he was offered psychiatric support which he refused. After a few weeks he resigned. I imagine they were relieved.

He's continued to get worse. He won't see a doctor or a MH professional, but he did come to couples counselling for three sessions, after which the therapist refused to carry on because she said that in her opinion, he was borderline psychotic. I think I was in denial for a long time but she was right. He's out of control. At one point he brought a homeless man home and insisted he stayed with us: it took me a week to get him out. He's blown £40k in savings, mainly his own, just giving people money. The police brought him home one afternoon after a woman saw him give her young daughter a £20 note and thought he was soliciting her.

I moved out in March and I'm sharing with a friend. He's pestered her, he thinks we're having a lesbian affair and he sometimes turns up and causes a scene. All his friends have had to block him, he's so full-on and unreasonable. The police are involved and they've been really good and have alerted social services.

I've always had my own work and savings and I own half the house, which we paid off a few years ago, so I have a lot of equity. Unfortunately in recent weeks DH has decided to 'improve' the house by painting several rooms red, ripping out the banisters, taking down the curtains and blinds and putting furniture in the front garden. The neighbours aren't happy.

Social services have visited three time and say that he's manic but not worryingly so and until he becomes a physical danger to himself or others they can't section him. The person I spoke to said she was impressed that he's eating well and looking after himself — clean, dressed appropriately. In the meantime he's ripped through the joint account we both pay into each month, and which had about £8k in it. I'm having to cover the whole Council Tax bill and utilities. I've had to talk to the bank and the Land Registry so he can't sell or give the house away without my permission.

I thought we were getting to a stage when we could think about retiring at 57 or 58. Now I feel as if I've woken up from a long delusion and I look back at some patches in our past and can see that there has been something going on for a long time. It really is time to split and move on alone. I love him but I don't want to be with him.

So my question. Has anyone else divorced in circumstances similar to this? I've spoken to one solicitor who seemed unsure about the situation with regard to DH's capacity, but admitted that this was not a situation she'd come across before. She did say it will possibly involve court intervention and could end up being very expensive. He will, I'm sure, fight it every step of the way. He denies he's ill and he won't get help. He tells everyone that I'm having an affair, I've got early onset dementia or I have a brain tumour that's making me behave strangely. How we can sell the house when he's like this I don't know. I just don't know anything at the moment. It feels like the most awful mess. If anyone has been there and come out the other side, please tell me how you did it.

@Vikingur has your husband had a full assessment for mental health or physical issues? I’m not diagnosing over the internet, but your husband reads almost word for word what happened to one of my parents in their late 40s. Always had been chaotic (99% sure they had undiagnosed ADHD) but within a couple of years in their late 40s, started behaving beyond ‘odd’. Making up blatant lies and incredibly dramatic stories (almost like they’d been disassociating and believing their daydreams as reality), spending money they didn’t have on endless crap, hoarding, becoming excessively crude in behaviour. They were sectioned eventually, but the very sudden dive in behaviour was so odd I begged for further investigation. It was early onset Alzheimer’s, it presents differently from the classic ‘forgetfulness’ of elderly dementia and the progression is usually much quicker the younger the person is when it develops.

Again, not diagnosing over the internet. Whatever is happening it’s devastating and so difficult to understand. Mental health services are so difficult to access but your husband needs a full assessment asap. But you need to detach and keep yourself safe.

@onthewayoutofit Thank you very much for giving me an idea of the shape of the support he'll be receiving. That's reassuring. I'll remember to ask for his named nurse or MH co-ordinator. It would be helpful to try and sort at least some things out over the weekend, when I'm not working and can focus fully. I think I might see if there's anyone able to talk to me today. I appreciate that they probably have minimum staff available at weekends, but it would be good to start the new working week with a clear idea of where we are and what they think will happen next. I may call round to the house, too, and say hello to him and check what he's been up to, but I need to find someone to come with me.

If he could be accommodated somewhere else, so that I could get back into the house, that would be a fantastic result. It would be so much easier to be deal with all this from the security of my own home, even if he's wrecked it.

@Simplynotsimple If you check out all my responses, you'll see that he's been professionally assessed by a psychologist and a psychiatrist and has been given antipsychotics. But I can ask them whether he fits the profile of early onset dementia.

Apology, was late when I replied and skimmed the thread. EOA is a very rare diagnosis, so it’s unlikely. But it’s so rare that doctors don’t even think to assess for it as it doesn’t present as typical Alzheimer’s. Either way, your husband needs full medical care which is beyond what you can provide, it’s such an awful situation for you both. Wish you all the best for the future.

Definitely worth a try OP, I hope you get a useful conversation today. Or at least they can ask the right people to contact you when available and to involve you in any meetings that may be arranged regarding him and his care planning. These may be Monday to Friday and it would be worth doing your best to attend to stay informed and get your input in, though I appreciate that may be tricky with work.

Your marital status is another thing to get clear with services- while you’ve had to put in emergency temporary separate living arrangements and separate bank accounts due to his illness, you are still his wife legally, you’ve not been through a legal separation process, and you are keen to support him getting the right care, so they should involve and consult you in his care planning.

It’s probably quite a confusing and emotional time too for you as the MH team start to pick up responsibilities for addressing his problems and maybe a little weight starts to come off your shoulders or a light appears at the end of the tunnel. You deserve a lot of support and self care as you adjust to the situation and reflect back over so much that has been going on. Best wishes.

Thank you. I think there have been a few moments where I've wondered whether I need the MH team as well as him. I have a nice day out planned with a friend tomorrow. I'm lucky to have support around me.

I approached the couples counsellor we were seeing together and asked if, having met the pair of us, she'd be prepared to see me for a few sessions to try and help me get a grip on the situation. She refused but has given me the details of someone she recommends so I'll follow that up. It would be good to have someone neutral to talk to. It's really all down to money now. I'm paying my friend some rent, because I don't want her to think I'm taking advantage, and I'm paying all the bills on the house rather than just half. Then there'll be solicitor's fees... Not sure if I can afford a therapist too. One day at a time.

Great to hear you have support OP. It sounds like you’re bearing up well considering really. We all question ourselves sometimes, except probably those most in need of help.

I put off counselling during my divorce to prioritise covering legal costs, but on more than a few occasions ended up venting to my solicitor, who was quite happy to charge me five times the price per minute of a counsellor for phone calls. So it can be a false economy I think in hindsight!

I hope you have a lovely day out with your friend.

A neighbours bother was diagnosed with early onset dementia (Picks Disease?)

It does happen

Just wanted to come back OP and say I am glad to hear you are having a day out and cannot stress enough, as others have said, how important it is to look after yourself and reach out for support wherever and whenever you can. My DH was allocated a community mental health nurse who saw him fairly consistently throughout, including when he was in hospital, and was someone who I could more regularly get in contact with. In fact my DH objected to his first involuntary section and I ended up going to the tribunal regarding this which the CMHN helped me through. It is very easy to loose yourself in all this. After many months in the storm I had a conversation with 2 of the nurses in the hospital and talked about some of his behaviour over the whole of our relationship. They told me ultimately he was not my responsibility and I needed to prioritise myself and our child. It sounds silly now but it was life changing. From the moment he went into full-blown crisis and our first contact with MH services everything had been about him, the role of both myself and our child as carers and keeping us altogether. I drove away from the hospital then had to pull into a supermarket car park and sobbed! Poor MH is not an excuse or a reason for you to have to put up with abusive behaviour. Early on his CMHN said to me that I must have been treading on eggshells for years but it took getting away from him and a referral to the local domestic abuse service for me to realise how much that was true. Up until then I had just constantly been in coping mode trying to make everything OK, mitigating his often very selfish behaviour and making excuses for him. It is such a relief not to have to be doing that anymore.

I would look into an occupation order for the house, with a view that once you are in it and he’s out of it you can sell it & give him half his proceeds/divorce etc

You can divorce him for any reason. You absolutely have free will in this.

Don't push the capacity issue as it could complicate things down the line.

Just initiate the divorce process. If he becomes difficult once it comes to selling the house he will be bound by the same laws as any shitty ex-husband.

IANAL

Oh balls sorry can see this is a long-runnng thread now. Good luck OP and well done.

But actually, my advice still stands. The two issues are quite separate - your concern for his mental health is one thing, the divorce is anohter.

I was in a similar situation with my DH, but he had a different MH diagnosis.
I contacted a solicitor about divorce as I could not cope with him at all and it was having a very detrimental effect on me and the DCs. Her very carefully considered advice was to wait and see what happens. No rush. Give it time, she said.
I took her advice. Nine months later my DH died suddenly without a will.
I would be in a very different position financially if I had divorced him

It sounds like he needs to see experts and not ss. My grandad was bipolar and a master at pretending to be fine in front of the right people. But was very paranoid,manic terrible with money . Did a lot of strange things and never thought he was ill in anyway .
Also the adhd may be a distraction from a bigger issue that he has . And no amount of adhd medication will help.
He needs to be in a psychiatric hospital and get assessments and proper help.
And then you could sort the house .
And goes without saying don't give him any money.
Just pay the bills that need paying.

Hi OP

Gosh what a scary situation.

Every area has a phone number front door access for mental health services. Usually known as IRS or START. If you ring them and outline your concerns they can start the ball rolling on assessment. I agree with other posters.. I cant see how he doesnt meet the criteria for consideration of sectioning at least.

As for court, it's really common that courts deal with people who lack capacity. Mostly not family courts but it still happens. The court can intervene to provide someone to support him in the process. You don't need a solicitor you can still do it alone. Arguably it may help because if a court rules he can't participate it adds weight to other assessments.

It's scary to do it alone but you dont need a solicitor. Just flag in your documents your concern that he lacks capacity.

What a terrible situation.

https://www.gov.uk/divorce/if-your-husband-or-wife-lacks-mental-capacity

I assumed it was Bipolar disorder OP (something like 1 in 5 with ADHD go on to develop it and 1 in 5 people with Bipolar disorder have ADHD). I guess though you haven't been told a particular diagnosis. Definitely don't move back in, that doesn't sound at all safe. I can't give you any legal advice but I'm so sorry you're having to go through all this. It's awful that they won't section him IMO as he is obviously very unwell.

It's nearly three weeks since I last posted and I don't imagine anyone else will see this, but I'm posting again as a record for me as much as anything else. I've had to take out an injunction requesting access to the property we both own jointly and restricting how and when and where he can contact me. This week I initiated divorce proceedings.

DH has refused to talk to me or respond to letters or phone calls unless I go to the house on my own, which everyone agrees is not a good idea at the moment. I struggle with the idea that his MH team recognise that he may pose a threat to me, but don't currently plan to intervene. The good news is that I now know exactly who his case worker is, and who his MH nurse is, and have been able to talk to the psychiatrist.

DH has now fallen out spectacularly badly with the neighbours and half the street. I'm on the street What's App and have had to explain what's going on. Some people are angry with me that I'm not doing anything to stop him playing bass guitar in the early hours with the windows open, or burning stuff (I can't bear to think what he might be burning) in the back garden. Apparently he's taken in several rescue cats that someone locally was trying to rehome. I'm severely allergic to cats. A lot of what he does seems to be aimed at spiting me in one way or another.

I have a new solicitor who has experience in these situations and the bill is already approaching £3000. I'm learning to keep our meetings short, to the point and unemotional. I talked too much and then broke down and cried during our first meeting and that turned out to be a very expensive mistake.

I've joined an online support group for the partners of people with MH issues. It's both helpful and daunting. I see how sad and desperate some of them are and I fear that this will be me before long. I had an initial session with a counsellor who was recommended to me, but he seemed more interested in DH than me: I think he found it easier to relate to DH's ADHD better than he could to me. It was a bewildering experience. I'm having to deal with the realisation that I've been like a frog being slowly boiled as the temperature has risen year on year. I wrote off some of DH's early behaviour, pre-ADHD diagnosis, as just 'him' and adjusted to it. I've done more adjusting as time went on and now here we are.

I keep hoping that the next person I sit down with to talk to will be able to offer a clear and positive way forward. I never expected to be rescued, but I had hoped for more positive help, if that makes sense. Now I realise that there is no real help coming, just people doing a job and trying very hard not to get involved. Friends say 'How're things?' and give me a few minutes to offload, but most find what's happened shocking and scary and go on and on about DH needing to be sectioned and why can't I just get him removed from the house and change the locks? I seem to spend ages explaining how few rights and how little power I actually have.

I've had to tell my manager at work what's going on because I think she can see that I'm not my usual self and as a result of that HR got involved. I've been with the organisation for years but have never required HR intervention before and it makes me feel vulnerable. HR were politely understanding and referred me to the occupational health provider.

I went to my GP after the HR meeting so that I could show I was trying to help myself, and she suggested anti-depressants which I'm taking. I've never had them before and don't know what to expect. The GP, who knows me and DH, has been the kindest and most sympathetic person I've encountered. Goodness knows how she does it. She must see so many sad and desperate people each week. Apparently it may be another month before I start to feel any benefit from the anti-depressants.

My DS and BIL have invited me to join them on holiday in a fortnight. They've booked a villa and there will be plenty of spare room for me. I've warned them I may be grim company and they say they understand that and I'm still welcome. I'm considering it but don't want to be the person who ruined their holiday.

I think it's helped just to write this down. Thank you, if you've read any of it.

Just acknowledging that someone has read your post op and thinking of you. It’s tough now but you’ll look back in years to come and realise you are free to live the rest of your life. Enjoy your holiday, do lean on your family they sound understanding, you can repay the favour once you are through this. I have a friend who went through similar though in her case her ex was sectioned and ended up in a “facility” for a year then moved into supported housing because he was unable to live independently after his complete breakdown and psychosis

Thank you @minnienono for your words of support. You're right, this will pass. I probably need to trust the process and hold onto the knowledge that at some point things will get sorted. I'm trying not to panic about where I will live, and how I'll get by, in the meantime. I'm glad your friend found a way through this and hope she's enjoying her life now.

Hi OP I have been wondering how things were going for you. I think the one day at a time strategy is absolutely the right one and I am glad to hear you have made lots of progress. I think when you are in the mire of it all and aware of the difficult journey still ahead it is really hard to sometimes appreciate how far you have already come. I can relate to the "explaining to friends" I also found that difficult, exhausting and sometimes quite upsetting, especially when I just needed space away from what was going on. What I rationalised though (which wasn't always easy!) was it always came form a position of love and concern and the lack of support for someone in your position, and quite frankly for him in the state he is in, is truly shocking to anyone who hasn't had direct experience of this before. I hope you have a good holiday and chance to build up your reserves again. There is light at the end of this.

I would definitely go on the holiday, OP. A change of scene will help you to recharge for the difficult time ahead- because it’s going to be difficult, there’s no pretending otherwise. In the meantime, just keep plodding along and moving the divorce forward. 💐

I'm surprised the psychiatrist didn't arrange hospital to rule out any other reason for his deteriorating paranoia and mania, they usually like to rule out organic causes before they make a diagnosis of a mental health illness. I'd be calling an ambulance when he's completely delusional, ss are not equipped to diagnose any patient.

Completely agree with this and I am sure your brother and SIL wouldn't have invited you if they didn't mean it. 💐

Go and try to switch off as much as you possibly can - definitely silence the street WhatsApp!

My DS and BIL have invited me to join them on holiday in a fortnight. They've booked a villa and there will be plenty of spare room for me. I've warned them I may be grim company and they say they understand that and I'm still welcome. I'm considering it but don't want to be the person who ruined their holiday.

Go. A change is as good as a rest, and my goodness you need a rest.

Keep posting

I'm so sorry you have not had more help with this. It all sounds very stressful. Especially neighbours thinking you have some power over his behaviour.
The holiday sounds like it would do you a lot of good. Even if you just rest and go for nice walks and try to focus on yourself for a few days.