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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

What is the solution!

44 replies

DandyOliveSheep · 29/04/2025 16:20

Long post incoming:

My step brother and his partner split at the beginning of the year. They have x2 children and jointly owned their property.

He put down 50k deposit (inheritance and his savings) she contributed nothing and he has always paid the mortgage in full. She worked pt and covered some bills etc while they were together, when he moved out he continued to pay mortgage and bills for a couple of months however had recently taken bills out of his name.

She made a cms claim and he now pays that along with half the mortgage as she can now afford half mortgage payments with his cms payments. Well she’s sent him one payment so far lol.

She has made claims of DV against him taken out an NMO and occupational order however the occupational order was revoked at the court hearing.

He initiated mediation she failed to attend a few times then finally attended one session via video call on her own and mediator has told him she won’t cooperate and that she wants to stay in the house until the kids are 18.

He’s currently in his mums box room paying rent and bills there now. Has the children every other weekend for 2 nights. She originally wanted him to have them every weekend plus school holidays or for him to pay for childcare.

As the mediation has failed he now wants to pursue a force of sale tolata. She definitely wouldn’t be able to afford the full mortgage payment or wouldn’t be able to buy him out.

The house is 4 bedrooms and they have 2 DS

What’s the likely hood of the tolata claim going his way? All he wants is to sell up, split the profit with her and move on with his life but she is making it so difficult. He loves his kids and obviously doesn’t want to uproot them but he is struggling mentally and financially.

I’ve read that the courts take the children’s needs as priority in a force of sale which is understandable of course but what do they do in situations when either party cannot afford to continue with the current situation it’s a large mortgage.

He had the house valued a while back and they should end up with about 30/40K each in equity. Surely this would be enough for her to find alternative accommodation for herself and the kids and set up somewhere new.

When he suggested this to her before she went mad and said I won’t be able to get back on the property ladder but wouldn’t the court see renting as sufficient accommodation for the children? Surely as long as the home has love it doesn’t matter if it’s owned or rented 🙄

I feel so sorry for my step brother he is just in a mess every day he anxious and broken about what has happened and it seems like all she wants is to take him for everything he’s got (which isn’t a lot) both mentally and financially.

has anyone else experienced anything like this?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/04/2025 17:41

As they aren’t married how do they own the house? I don’t think the courts will stop him forcing sale tbh.

millymollymoomoo · 29/04/2025 17:50

is she on the deeds? Does she own any part of it?

based on what you say here there is little change of her being successful I’d say but your step brother needs to work with his solicitor

DandyOliveSheep · 29/04/2025 18:36

RandomMess · 29/04/2025 17:41

As they aren’t married how do they own the house? I don’t think the courts will stop him forcing sale tbh.

No they aren’t married they’re both on the mortgage as joint owners

OP posts:
DandyOliveSheep · 29/04/2025 18:38

millymollymoomoo · 29/04/2025 17:50

is she on the deeds? Does she own any part of it?

based on what you say here there is little change of her being successful I’d say but your step brother needs to work with his solicitor

Yes she is on the deeds, when they took the mortgage out she went on as her earnings helped. He’s happy to give her half but she’s adamant she’s entitled to stay in the house as she’s got children

OP posts:
2025willbemytime · 29/04/2025 18:43

Children that she doesn't seem to want to have the majority of the time.

DandyOliveSheep · 29/04/2025 18:50

2025willbemytime · 29/04/2025 18:43

Children that she doesn't seem to want to have the majority of the time.

Yes that’s a whole other story honestly I feel so sad for my nephews. He originally agreed to having them every weekend at first it wasn’t until me and a few friends said he needs his downtime and she needs to spend time with her kids at the weekends too. It wasn’t until he broke this down to her either that she agreed 🤣

OP posts:
Buscake · 29/04/2025 19:17

You don’t have to mediate if there has been DV. A court would only issue a NMO with evidence, you can’t just take one out. He would also have had the opportunity to challenge this, if he disagreed with what she said and presented. Are the children also named on it?

2024onwardsandup · 29/04/2025 19:21

DandyOliveSheep · 29/04/2025 18:50

Yes that’s a whole other story honestly I feel so sad for my nephews. He originally agreed to having them every weekend at first it wasn’t until me and a few friends said he needs his downtime and she needs to spend time with her kids at the weekends too. It wasn’t until he broke this down to her either that she agreed 🤣

What a sterling father he is that he won’t even have his children at the weekend.

why isn’t he going for 50/50 or full custody of the children?

DandyOliveSheep · 29/04/2025 19:26

2024onwardsandup · 29/04/2025 19:21

What a sterling father he is that he won’t even have his children at the weekend.

why isn’t he going for 50/50 or full custody of the children?

He has them every other weekend, why should he have them every weekend? Does he not deserve some downtime? Shouldn’t she want to spend some time with them at weekends? He isn’t going for 50/50 as he has to working longer hours than his ex to pay for the large mortgage on the house he isn’t living in. He’s living in a room at the moment.

OP posts:
DandyOliveSheep · 29/04/2025 19:30

Buscake · 29/04/2025 19:17

You don’t have to mediate if there has been DV. A court would only issue a NMO with evidence, you can’t just take one out. He would also have had the opportunity to challenge this, if he disagreed with what she said and presented. Are the children also named on it?

Hardly any evidence a couple of photos of him drunk at parties some statements from friends saying ex has told them he was abusive but literally nothing solid no police have ever been called or anything like that. She’s fabricated stories, after the NMO was ordered she rang him and said I’ve only done this to stay in the house as he was saying he was moving back in after giving her over a month to think about what she wanted. He has contested it the occupational order was removed and the NMO is due to expire in July.

OP posts:
2024onwardsandup · 29/04/2025 19:30

DandyOliveSheep · 29/04/2025 19:26

He has them every other weekend, why should he have them every weekend? Does he not deserve some downtime? Shouldn’t she want to spend some time with them at weekends? He isn’t going for 50/50 as he has to working longer hours than his ex to pay for the large mortgage on the house he isn’t living in. He’s living in a room at the moment.

So if he has them every other weekend he is parenting his children for 14% of the year.

which does seem relevant no?

DandyOliveSheep · 29/04/2025 19:34

2024onwardsandup · 29/04/2025 19:30

So if he has them every other weekend he is parenting his children for 14% of the year.

which does seem relevant no?

He also has them in school holidays bank holidays whenever he can. He has already said once he can get his own place he will have them more.

OP posts:
AquaPeer · 29/04/2025 19:36

why isn’t he having 50:50? That’s the default expectation.

2024onwardsandup · 29/04/2025 19:38

DandyOliveSheep · 29/04/2025 19:34

He also has them in school holidays bank holidays whenever he can. He has already said once he can get his own place he will have them more.

So he sees primary responsibility for the kids as the mum at the moment

when he has a house that can house them will he have them 86 % of the time?

you will see my point - heat be paying a greater percentage of the housing costs - but in te Apr child care he is VERY MUCH contributing significantly more

does he organise the kids dental appointments, doctors appointments, main point of contact with the school?

DandyOliveSheep · 29/04/2025 19:38

AquaPeer · 29/04/2025 19:36

why isn’t he having 50:50? That’s the default expectation.

In a room lol? He has said once he gets his own place he will have them more but currently he works late their mum works 3 days a week during school hours is claiming all sorts of benefits, receiving cms and having the mortgage paid

OP posts:
2024onwardsandup · 29/04/2025 19:39

DandyOliveSheep · 29/04/2025 19:38

In a room lol? He has said once he gets his own place he will have them more but currently he works late their mum works 3 days a week during school hours is claiming all sorts of benefits, receiving cms and having the mortgage paid

And don’t 86% of child care

AquaPeer · 29/04/2025 19:39

Sorry I realised I posted without any context. If he has 50:50 custody, which is best for the children to maintain their relationship with both parents, there shouldn’t be any maintenance due from him to her. He uses that money for accommodation.

AquaPeer · 29/04/2025 19:41

DandyOliveSheep · 29/04/2025 19:38

In a room lol? He has said once he gets his own place he will have them more but currently he works late their mum works 3 days a week during school hours is claiming all sorts of benefits, receiving cms and having the mortgage paid

he’s at his mums isn’t he? Doesn’t she let her grandchildren in the rest of the house?

even so, if he pays 50:50 he can use the maintenance money he’s currently paying until the house is sold.

he needs to agree it all now, he can’t change it later when the divorce/ house sale has gone through

DandyOliveSheep · 29/04/2025 19:45

AquaPeer · 29/04/2025 19:41

he’s at his mums isn’t he? Doesn’t she let her grandchildren in the rest of the house?

even so, if he pays 50:50 he can use the maintenance money he’s currently paying until the house is sold.

he needs to agree it all now, he can’t change it later when the divorce/ house sale has gone through

Yes but to have them 50% of the time sleeping in one room isn’t fees-able obviously on the weekends he has them they make do as he doesn’t plan on it being permanent. I get that he won’t have to pay cms but he really doesn’t mind paying for his kids. The issue is he is currently stuck in this situation of not being able to sell and move on as she won’t agree. It’s a bit catch 22

OP posts:
iseethembloom · 29/04/2025 19:46

My brother went through this. It took years but he got there in the end. Your step brother needs to see a housing solicitor and enquire about a piece of legislation called an ‘order for sale’. Good luck, it is doable but requires tenacity.

DandyOliveSheep · 29/04/2025 19:48

iseethembloom · 29/04/2025 19:46

My brother went through this. It took years but he got there in the end. Your step brother needs to see a housing solicitor and enquire about a piece of legislation called an ‘order for sale’. Good luck, it is doable but requires tenacity.

Thank you for sharing is order for sale same as forcing a sale?

OP posts:
Buscake · 29/04/2025 19:52

DandyOliveSheep · 29/04/2025 19:30

Hardly any evidence a couple of photos of him drunk at parties some statements from friends saying ex has told them he was abusive but literally nothing solid no police have ever been called or anything like that. She’s fabricated stories, after the NMO was ordered she rang him and said I’ve only done this to stay in the house as he was saying he was moving back in after giving her over a month to think about what she wanted. He has contested it the occupational order was removed and the NMO is due to expire in July.

So if he contested it in court, as you say, they were clearly satisfied that on the balance of probabilities it happened. So it happened. Stop minimising his actions. Just because they didn’t proceed with the occupation order doesn’t mean that the NMO wasn’t necessary. They don’t grant these orders for the craic, they are for safety.

iseethembloom · 29/04/2025 19:59

DandyOliveSheep · 29/04/2025 19:48

Thank you for sharing is order for sale same as forcing a sale?

Yes, it is.

My brother’s ex worked 20 hours a week at Sainsbury’s (nothing wrong with that) but expected to carry on living in a four-bed detached bungalow with garage and south facing garden, with their (only) child, while my hard-working brother was forced to live with our slightly tricky mother in her home. The injustice drove me mad.

It slightly depends on how they own the property, I think. Tenants in common(?) for example.

Unfortunately, the judges in these situations will decide what is in the best interests of any children. If she is left with enough to put down in a place for herself (and children) he should have reasonable chance of success.

DandyOliveSheep · 29/04/2025 20:02

Buscake · 29/04/2025 19:52

So if he contested it in court, as you say, they were clearly satisfied that on the balance of probabilities it happened. So it happened. Stop minimising his actions. Just because they didn’t proceed with the occupation order doesn’t mean that the NMO wasn’t necessary. They don’t grant these orders for the craic, they are for safety.

I know for a fact it didn’t happen but let’s just say it did - so he’s to spent the rest of his life in his mums box room while she maintains the lifestyle paying 700 for a 4 bed detached house in a well off area, it doesn’t make sense to me. Sorry but he’s never been convicted of anything, she’s made this up to climb her way up.

OP posts:
iseethembloom · 29/04/2025 20:04

Once she got into the nice big house, it required a pitchfork to get her to shift. She made it clear she intended to stay until the youngest was 18.

My brother couldn’t get a mortgage while she refused to have his name taken off the mortgaged house he wasn’t allowed to set foot in, which locked him out of the market for years.

Look into an Order for Sale. I’m not a solicitor, but I think this is his best way forward.

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