Teen left home alone for 6/7 hours an evening on dad's days ?

[Peaceatlast40s]

Ex has teenage daughter 2 or 3 set nights a week. He does shift work so sometimes home 8pm but some nights (2 this week) not until 10pm. She caught the bus to his, cooked herself dinner and basically just sits there alone until bedtime, to see him for possibly 1 hrs before school in the morning. I've made it clear to him that I am happy to swap any days that his shifts mean he won't be around (i work school hours and he has his rota months in advance). I have also told her she doesn't have to go on these nights if this situation makes her uncomfortable. She says she's ok with it but isnt the type of child to speak up and make a fuss and he's very controlling and overbearing. Am I overreacting to be upset by the thought of her in this situation ? This is a new arrangement as his house was closer before and she would always come to me from school for a few hours first. She's 14.

It makes her quite vulnerable … Boy or girl friends, or even not friends who learn she has a place to herself for several hours in the evening might inveigle themselves into an invitation. Even the most sensible 14 year old can be persuaded to do things that are not in their best interests. And now those activities could end up on the Internet. For ever.

She needs more supervision.

It’s not clear whether you would like her to continue to see him in these circumstances? And obviously you know that at 14 a court will listen to her preferences?

The worry is that if she isn’t the type to speak up or make a fuss you won’t know anything is wrong until she gets pregnant or is discovered on Only Fans …

Are you able to pick her up on some of these evenings from school and stay with her until Dad gets home? It’s not ideal I know but that’s a long time for her to be on her own. Could she come to yours instead for a few hours after school for tea then you could drop her at her dads?

At 14, I’d just leave where she wants to go up to her.

me, my 15 yo dd and my 13 yo dd all absolutely crave and love alone time in our house! you’ve made it out to be horrible, but it’s many peoples idea of heaven.

Who checks in on her to see if she gets back to his each day? I’d be worried that something might happen en route and nobody would know. Can she come to you and you drop her off later on?

Agree with this!

At 14 I was in my element when left at home for long periods. I have found memories of sneaking angel delight upstairs and playing sims/chatting on MSN until falling asleep.

Her dad is happy with the arrangement and it sounds like your daughter is too.

Some people need/enjoy alone time.

Nothing wrong with ‘alone’ - but OP’s daughter is not at home. She’s in an unfamiliar location, presumably with no other close adults to check how she is.

Who talks over her homework with her, or notices if she’s upset? I’d imagine by the time her father returns he’s too tired to take that much notice of what’s going on in her life.

It’s really not ideal - even if she’s quite content to be alone. She may see it differently twenty years hence.

This is a difficult one. If it’s a new arrangement possibly monitor for a week or so whilst keeping up the communication with your daughter as to how she feels (and watching any changes in her too) and also keep on with the communication with your ex. I don’t think it’s a problem by itself that a 14 year old is left alone for the evening occasionally, depending on their personality and if they are comfortable with this. But 2-3 times a week is too much when it doesn’t need to happen and I agree it does leave her vulnerable to an extent if she starts mentioning it to people.

So she's already in bed by the time gets gets home from work?

Does he then start cooking his own dinner? Or is she expected to leave him something to eat that she's made?

It seems an odd arrangement for a 14 year old. I wouldn't be happy.

What the actual fuck is wrong with you? Did you just make a casual comment about the OP's CHILD being pimped out on Only Fans or are you implying it's a normal thing for children to turn to sex work?

I wouldn't be happy OP. And while some children value their alone time, half of the week is too much. How often does it happen? Was this week a rarity? I'd probably make the fuss for her.

It was not by any means a casual comment, @OchreFatball. The OP has asked for opinions on the possible consequences of the current situation. That her daughter might find herself cajoled by, or under pressure from, reckless or unscrupulous peers is a very real threat. Teens can wreak havoc left alone for one evening if they have friends over unsupervised.

In a short and succinct OP, @Peaceatlast40s has specifically noted that her daughter is unlikely to be communicative about how she feels. Which might mean she wouldn’t say if she acquired a boyfriend who insisted on accompanying her to her father’s empty house. Or if a group of girls she knows from school get to know about the unsupervised house and feel it might be a useful resource for rest and relaxation.

I spent countless hours alone at home during school holidays when my parents were at work. All I did was read and listen to the radio. I’m perfectly aware the only outcome might be that the OP’s daughter becomes bored and lonely. But she’s asked - so I’m giving my opinion. I don’t need your permission or approval to do so.

My 14 yo would have loved this! And would be perfectly happy to cook herself, chill, homework etc on her own. No problem at all

if your dd doesn’t like it or want to do it then she just needs to say so. If she’s ok with it, no problem

14yo doesn’t need baby sitting

I'm welcome to opinions from both sides so thanks for all comments. I suppose my concern about her being bored/lonely may not be an issue and that some teens love alone time. My argument really is that he could arrange to have her on days when he is around more to spend quality time with her because my schedule is flexible. I have no control on how he chooses to parent on his days, she is old enough to choose where she wants to be, and I make sure we do nice things together when she is with me.

I’d say at 14 she needs to be confident to speak - so if she wants her dad around more should say, hey why don’t I come round this night instead ?

at 14 I’d expect a pretty flexible schedule rather than set days tbh

We did try a completely flexible arrangement at first but she wanted the routine of knowing where she was and when. It may speak volumes that the over 18s chose not to do overnights at all now. I try to keep things very civil so usually just bite my tongue. I won't speak up unless she wants me to.

Unless your DD has expressed she’s unhappy with bit I can’t see the problem

Yes that's fair enough, and sort of why I asked the question, perhaps I'm being over emotional about it all and maybe this is a familiar arrangement for co-parenting teens.

This. 14 is old enough to be left and it doesn't mean they'll be on Onlyfans or Inviting all sorts round, as sone posters have suggested .

I wasn't as concerned from a safety aspect more that he wasn't spending time with her. Entirely my opinion and happy to hear differing views.

If she’s expressed a concern or general unease with it you should voice it with him. Or tell her that it’s ok if she doesn’t want to go

i mean I get the point that there’s little point in her going round, only to sit on her own while he’s not there. Bit daft really if it’s regularly like that

Do you think his reluctance to take up your offer of flexibility so your DD is with him when he isn't working is deliberate?
In that if she is sitting in his home whilst he is working he gets to fulfil his parental obligation to her and still gets to "enjoy" his days off without having to parent?

Her sitting there by herself and just seeing him for an hour before bed seems such a wasted opportunity for them to spend time together and is really sad for her.

It sounds like a very lonely situation for her and I don't see the point of her staying with him.if he isn't there.

I think you've done all you need to op, your daughter knows she can come back to yours instead if she wants to, or have a more flexible arrangement. Many 14 year olds appreciate some alone time and it certainly doesn't mean they are going to end up with uninvited guests or on only fans.

It’s not so much that the OP’s daughter is likely to be inviting people round, but that OP had said that her daughter didn’t tend to speak up if she wasn’t happy with something and so there could be a possible risk that if she were to mention it in passing to a classmate, it could result in people turning up knowing she was alone and unlikely to speak out. Probably a very small risk but something to bear in mind.

I think that sounds awful! There’s one thing coming home to an empty house after school knowing a parent will be back at 6 to cook a family meal, chat, go for a walk, watch TV together. Quite another coming home at 3:30 and effectively being ignored until bedtime. What’s the point in her going there for contact time if he isn’t around? Poor kid. Way to make her feel unloved, neglected and like he can’t be arsed with her! Having DC of a similar age, I can’t imagine one of them spending half a week living like this. What happens if she has an activity to go to? Who takes her? If she needs some milk or tampons or to get something for cooking at school? Not an arrangement I would be agreeing to and one I’d be helping her speak up about!