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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Child maintenance when you earn more

34 replies

RH2025 · 21/04/2025 13:12

Hi- advice gratefully welcome please.
Split from ex partner 5 years ago, 2 kids. He has them 2 nights pw every week. He doesn’t have any additional time during school hols (despite being offered), only picks them up from school one day he has them not both (I drop them off after he finishes work so as not to impact his hours) and he never takes them on holidays.
Split was difficult in that he blamed me entirely and as a result was quite verbally and emotionally abusive, which I got quite intimidated by.
Im the higher earner (self-employed). Originally he paid the CSA rate but then pleaded poverty. I therefore offered to reduce the payments by half to help him. He was quite rude about this but then agreed. He earns about £55k a year I think (so I’m not sure why he’s skint) and has paid £250pcm for about 4 years now. He’s supposed to also pay half for uniforms but in practice this doesn’t happen and I have to go cap in hand and don’t always receive it.
I earn pretty well but have worked v hard for it whilst raising the kiddos. I live with a lovely partner now, and ex is about to move in with his partner so will be a two income household there, she has a good job (I assume, I appreciate that’s absolutely none of my business).
Im a bit fed up of receiving what I think is such a small amount when costs have gone up massively and kids are coming into teen years now. I’d also like to start saving for when they get older. I’m terrified to ask for more - last time I asked to bring us closer to CSA rate (about 3 years ago) he did not take it well, called me money-obsessed, and threatened to go for joint custody. Kids are in a good routine now and he’s never taken me up on having more time with them so I’m not willing to go down that road.
should I just leave it as is and quietly be resentful? Or is it fair to ask for more?
TIA 🙂

OP posts:
Original poster
RH2025 · 14/08/2025 09:55

Hi all, thanks for the recent responses.

Yes @hmmnotreallysure i did go to the CMS, was bricking it…turns out he earns quite a lot and was only paying about 1/3 of what he should have been!!!! I was so upset and angry.

The CMS were absolutely fantastic. Proactive, reassuring, great. I know that isn’t everyone’s experience but I can’t rate them highly enough, especially the call staff who are so lovely, made me wish I’d done it so much sooner!

he’s paid one month of the CMS amount and obviously thinks that’s quite enough thank you and has pushed about having the kids more time again. I’ve just referred him to my solicitor.

@R0ckandHardPlace I agree, anyone in doubt - please go to the CMS. Any good man won’t mind it being done properly, it’s for everyone’s benefit. I wish I’d don’t it so much sooner 😕 with a large chunk of the extra money I receive now I’ve started paying into junior ISAs for them ☺️

@SingtotheCat i agree, the way I’ve been spoken to over the years has absolutely broken me tbh.

OP posts:
pinkduckk · 14/08/2025 09:56

@SingtotheCatwhat do you mean by a parenting app?
Sorry to hijack OP but I feel this might be me soon and worried about it!

Original poster
RH2025 · 14/08/2025 09:59

pinkduckk · 14/08/2025 09:56

@SingtotheCatwhat do you mean by a parenting app?
Sorry to hijack OP but I feel this might be me soon and worried about it!

That’s ok - there are specific apps which separates parents use to communicate about the kids. They are temper proof and all correspondence is recorded. Good in instances of high conflict/verbal abuse and they are welcomed by the courts too.
i didn’t go that route, I did choose to block on WhatsApp though (so he used txt and email to swear at me and tell me how awful I was instead 😬😂)

OP posts:
Original poster
RH2025 · 14/08/2025 10:00

RH2025 · 14/08/2025 09:59

That’s ok - there are specific apps which separates parents use to communicate about the kids. They are temper proof and all correspondence is recorded. Good in instances of high conflict/verbal abuse and they are welcomed by the courts too.
i didn’t go that route, I did choose to block on WhatsApp though (so he used txt and email to swear at me and tell me how awful I was instead 😬😂)

Show quote history

*tamper proof!

OP posts:
pinkduckk · 14/08/2025 10:07

Temper proof might be helpful too!
Thank you, I will look into that!

OnceIn · 14/08/2025 10:07

I had almost the exact situation (I also earn more than my ex). He paid me £250 a month and no more (it was less than CMS would have been), didn’t contribute towards any extras such as uniforms etc. he earns £50000 a year. After about 4 years, I asked him for a contribution towards the dc uniforms, he said no as he was skint. My dc came home from his weekend and said they’d been to Manchester with him to pick up some new alloy wheels for his van. A few weeks later I was talking to him and he was boasting about the fact he’d had a bonus and pay rise and was earning nearly £70000. I went inside and had a word with myself and logged a case with CMS. He went ballistic, but so what! His CMS almost doubled what he’d been giving me for the last 4/5 years.

I realised I was being taken for a mug, and once again he was using my kind nature against me, playing on the fact I’d feel sorry for him and not ask for more, when in reality he was taking the piss and it was his dc that were suffering.

it doesn’t matter what you earn op, he should be contributing towards his dc. Just because you earn more doesn’t mean he gets to pay less, dc cost what dc cost and as the father it’s his responsibility to contribute. If you don’t need the money, put the extra into a savings account for your dc to use for driving lessons, college or uni when it comes around:

Original poster
RH2025 · 14/08/2025 11:06

OnceIn · 14/08/2025 10:07

I had almost the exact situation (I also earn more than my ex). He paid me £250 a month and no more (it was less than CMS would have been), didn’t contribute towards any extras such as uniforms etc. he earns £50000 a year. After about 4 years, I asked him for a contribution towards the dc uniforms, he said no as he was skint. My dc came home from his weekend and said they’d been to Manchester with him to pick up some new alloy wheels for his van. A few weeks later I was talking to him and he was boasting about the fact he’d had a bonus and pay rise and was earning nearly £70000. I went inside and had a word with myself and logged a case with CMS. He went ballistic, but so what! His CMS almost doubled what he’d been giving me for the last 4/5 years.

I realised I was being taken for a mug, and once again he was using my kind nature against me, playing on the fact I’d feel sorry for him and not ask for more, when in reality he was taking the piss and it was his dc that were suffering.

it doesn’t matter what you earn op, he should be contributing towards his dc. Just because you earn more doesn’t mean he gets to pay less, dc cost what dc cost and as the father it’s his responsibility to contribute. If you don’t need the money, put the extra into a savings account for your dc to use for driving lessons, college or uni when it comes around:

Oh my gosh, almost identical situations! Glad we got things sorted - and did what’s best for our kiddos 🥰

OP posts:
BookArt55 · 14/08/2025 12:07

Yay! Good for you both! As you say, if they are a good parent they won't mind things going through CMS to reduce conflict and make sure the kids are provided for.

FairKoala · 23/08/2025 09:36

RH2025 · 25/04/2025 12:24

thanks guys…needless to say despite how politely I tried to word the email it did not go well and his response (which blamed me for him being unable to pay more) ended with him stating he wanted to go for 50/50 care.
its just exhausting isn’t it 😔 I didn’t even ask for all of it, I just said “can we move towards the CMS rate” and suggested we use them to calculate to avoid him having to reveal his salary etc to me which I’d understand he may not want to do. I also said we don’t need to kick it in for a few months to give a bit of a run up.

so frustrating, and knackering constantly being made out to be the awkward and unreasonable one. I know there are two sides to every story but how on earth does he think this is ok. Just baffling.

Agree to the 50/50 and say that as he can afford 50/50 then you can’t see why he hasn’t been paying the correct amount for all these years.

Does he have the required bedroom space for his children to stay for 1/2 the week

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