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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Child maintenance when you earn more

34 replies

RH2025 · 21/04/2025 13:12

Hi- advice gratefully welcome please.
Split from ex partner 5 years ago, 2 kids. He has them 2 nights pw every week. He doesn’t have any additional time during school hols (despite being offered), only picks them up from school one day he has them not both (I drop them off after he finishes work so as not to impact his hours) and he never takes them on holidays.
Split was difficult in that he blamed me entirely and as a result was quite verbally and emotionally abusive, which I got quite intimidated by.
Im the higher earner (self-employed). Originally he paid the CSA rate but then pleaded poverty. I therefore offered to reduce the payments by half to help him. He was quite rude about this but then agreed. He earns about £55k a year I think (so I’m not sure why he’s skint) and has paid £250pcm for about 4 years now. He’s supposed to also pay half for uniforms but in practice this doesn’t happen and I have to go cap in hand and don’t always receive it.
I earn pretty well but have worked v hard for it whilst raising the kiddos. I live with a lovely partner now, and ex is about to move in with his partner so will be a two income household there, she has a good job (I assume, I appreciate that’s absolutely none of my business).
Im a bit fed up of receiving what I think is such a small amount when costs have gone up massively and kids are coming into teen years now. I’d also like to start saving for when they get older. I’m terrified to ask for more - last time I asked to bring us closer to CSA rate (about 3 years ago) he did not take it well, called me money-obsessed, and threatened to go for joint custody. Kids are in a good routine now and he’s never taken me up on having more time with them so I’m not willing to go down that road.
should I just leave it as is and quietly be resentful? Or is it fair to ask for more?
TIA 🙂

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 21/04/2025 13:22

Just go through the CMS. Who cares if he doesn’t like it?

UpsideDownChairs · 21/04/2025 13:29

Realistically, will he really take you to court for more custody?

The expense and time, and the fact that you can show the routine the kids are already in and that he's not asked for more contact (and can't do more contact) means you could put up a pretty good counter argument.

BookArt55 · 21/04/2025 14:36

I agree with pp, I would go to CMS. He won't actually take you to court because he doesn't even want to pick them up the second day... so when he isn't even meeting the full needs of the kids on the two days he has them then he's unlikely to want more.
You could potentially message him, in writing, saying due to the cost of living we need to recalculate the amount. He will probably come back saying you're unreasonable, kicking off, he'll be thinking you'll back down like last time. Either way you end up at CMS.

Original poster
RH2025 · 21/04/2025 18:03

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/04/2025 13:22

Just go through the CMS. Who cares if he doesn’t like it?

Thanks…I think I’m just trying to figure out if it’s reasonable to ask for more when I earn more. It’s always been used against me in the past. I don’t think the CMS take receiver’s earnings into account?

OP posts:
BookArt55 · 21/04/2025 18:05

No they don't take receiver's income into account. Do it. One less battle over the coming years.

Original poster
RH2025 · 21/04/2025 18:14

BookArt55 · 21/04/2025 18:05

No they don't take receiver's income into account. Do it. One less battle over the coming years.

Thanks. I’m really scared!

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 21/04/2025 18:17

No they don't take the receivers into account whether higher or lower because it is money to support the children not the ex partner so kind of doesn't matter.

BookArt55 · 21/04/2025 19:02

RH2025 · 21/04/2025 18:14

Thanks. I’m really scared!

Show quote history

Completely understand. And I will be honest, initially their reaction is scary and worrying. But then after a bit they realise they can't fight it. You then realise that you don't have that constant battle for them to pay it, the constant worry that if you say or do something to annoy them they'll withhold it, the unknowing if they will pay the agreed amount so you don't know how to budget for that next month. Short term is horrible, but in the long term it will be so much better for you. And he will have less power over you. Removing his power is the best way. You can do this! But it is hard taking these steps.

LoneAndLoco · 21/04/2025 19:07

It doesn’t matter how much you earn, why shouldn’t he contribute towards the costs of raising HIS kids? The fact he has dodge the CMS rate for years does not reflect well on him. On his salary with two kids he should be contributing more. Why should your kids suffer?

Original poster
RH2025 · 21/04/2025 19:10

BookArt55 · 21/04/2025 19:02

Completely understand. And I will be honest, initially their reaction is scary and worrying. But then after a bit they realise they can't fight it. You then realise that you don't have that constant battle for them to pay it, the constant worry that if you say or do something to annoy them they'll withhold it, the unknowing if they will pay the agreed amount so you don't know how to budget for that next month. Short term is horrible, but in the long term it will be so much better for you. And he will have less power over you. Removing his power is the best way. You can do this! But it is hard taking these steps.

Show quote history

Thanks so much for your reassuring words. I’ve been putting it off for bladdy ages, need to put my big girl pants on and do it! And yes you are right - it’s also one less thing to have to communicate about isn’t it x

OP posts:
AFrankExchangeofViews · 21/04/2025 19:17

Agree just do it! And with regards to him wanting them to stay more so he pays less, once they are about 12yrs old, they get to say if they want that or not. So might not be so simple for him to threaten to go for joint custody. Perhaps they dont want to live with him and his new partner they barely know!

Original poster
RH2025 · 21/04/2025 20:03

LoneAndLoco · 21/04/2025 19:07

It doesn’t matter how much you earn, why shouldn’t he contribute towards the costs of raising HIS kids? The fact he has dodge the CMS rate for years does not reflect well on him. On his salary with two kids he should be contributing more. Why should your kids suffer?

Thanks - I do think he’s had years of it being low so can’t really complain about it going up to near what it should be. I doubt he will see it that way though 😬

OP posts:
LoneAndLoco · 21/04/2025 20:21

It doesn’t matter what he thinks. The law is clear. He can either pay you the CMS money nicely or you go through them and get it taken from his salary. Why should you be used like this and he not pay his share? I was in the same boat at you at one stage. Felt I didn’t need to ask for the money - that it was humiliating - but it’s not for you, it’s for your kids. The fact you earn more means they can have an even better life but he shouldn’t be let off the hook! Besides, CMS money is a drop in the ocean compared to the costs of raising a child. Teenagers are expensive - clothes, driving lessons, uni eventually. You need all the help you can get. Go for it and don’t let him intimidate you. It doesn’t seem like he’d be bothered to go for joint residency.

Original poster
RH2025 · 21/04/2025 22:24

LoneAndLoco · 21/04/2025 20:21

It doesn’t matter what he thinks. The law is clear. He can either pay you the CMS money nicely or you go through them and get it taken from his salary. Why should you be used like this and he not pay his share? I was in the same boat at you at one stage. Felt I didn’t need to ask for the money - that it was humiliating - but it’s not for you, it’s for your kids. The fact you earn more means they can have an even better life but he shouldn’t be let off the hook! Besides, CMS money is a drop in the ocean compared to the costs of raising a child. Teenagers are expensive - clothes, driving lessons, uni eventually. You need all the help you can get. Go for it and don’t let him intimidate you. It doesn’t seem like he’d be bothered to go for joint residency.

Thank you so much for your support 🙂

OP posts:
Dogmum45 · 24/04/2025 17:50

i hope you’ve now gone through CMS to get the feckless tightarse to stump up!
My EXH kept threatening to take me for 50/50 custody so (pointing a finger in my face..) ‘you won’t get a penny from me!’ 🙄
The measly amount he pays is a drop in the ocean. These men are clueless.
In the end I called his bluff and told him I was willing to do 50/50 as I would up my hours at work and would earn 3 times what he was paying me by doing so.
Strangely enough he has never brought 50/50 custody up again! 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Has our child bare minimum and spends all his money wining and dining his new GF.

LePetitMaman · 24/04/2025 17:56

Cool, let him go for joint custody.

He can't fucking manage more than one pick up a week, so it's never going to happen.

It's a pretence so you stay in your box and do as you're told for your pennies. How dare you force him to pay what he should eh 😉

Original poster
RH2025 · 25/04/2025 12:24

thanks guys…needless to say despite how politely I tried to word the email it did not go well and his response (which blamed me for him being unable to pay more) ended with him stating he wanted to go for 50/50 care.
its just exhausting isn’t it 😔 I didn’t even ask for all of it, I just said “can we move towards the CMS rate” and suggested we use them to calculate to avoid him having to reveal his salary etc to me which I’d understand he may not want to do. I also said we don’t need to kick it in for a few months to give a bit of a run up.

so frustrating, and knackering constantly being made out to be the awkward and unreasonable one. I know there are two sides to every story but how on earth does he think this is ok. Just baffling.

OP posts:
Newbutoldfather · 25/04/2025 12:29

@RH2025 ,

It’s not his call to go 50/50. Just tell him they are in a routine, which you stick to, and put in the CMS claim.

Let him take you to court over 50/50. I am betting it is an empty threat. And, if he does, the best interest of the children will be the paramount consideration, not what he wants.

It is a disgrace if the only reason you want to see your children is to save money.

Theunamedcat · 25/04/2025 12:33

Ok see you in mediation

And apply for child maintenance

myrtle70 · 25/04/2025 23:07

Just use CMS - ex paid nothing then minimum and assumed he could stop the day they turned 18, but as via CMS he has had to keep paying until end school year etc. it means you don’t have to have any contact about it. The CMS should be based on the existing arrangement. If your dc are older their views re 50:50 will count too. It’s worth you applying in case he applies against you that way the current situation is on record first.

RubySquid · 14/08/2025 07:55

LoneAndLoco · 21/04/2025 20:21

It doesn’t matter what he thinks. The law is clear. He can either pay you the CMS money nicely or you go through them and get it taken from his salary. Why should you be used like this and he not pay his share? I was in the same boat at you at one stage. Felt I didn’t need to ask for the money - that it was humiliating - but it’s not for you, it’s for your kids. The fact you earn more means they can have an even better life but he shouldn’t be let off the hook! Besides, CMS money is a drop in the ocean compared to the costs of raising a child. Teenagers are expensive - clothes, driving lessons, uni eventually. You need all the help you can get. Go for it and don’t let him intimidate you. It doesn’t seem like he’d be bothered to go for joint residency.

Scrub that wrong thread

R0ckandHardPlace · 14/08/2025 07:59

Just go through the CMS. One of my biggest regrets is trusting my ex and being scared to rock the boat. He paid the same amount from when we split when she was three years old, until she left school at 18. Only then did I discover that he was only paying a quarter of what he should have paid. I had no idea he earned so much.

arcticpandas · 14/08/2025 08:00

CMS won't take a large sum out of him but more than he's paying today. I think you need to reformulate what a CMS claim is in your head: it's not fun money for you- it's money for your joint children to meet their basic needs. Why shouldn't he be paying towards that? And why should you deny your children money they are entitled to?

@RH2025 If you think about your children and that you are standing up for them when claiming CMS (which is really the minimum) then I hope you won't have second thoughts about it.

hmmnotreallysure · 14/08/2025 08:10

Did he end up paying the extra op or is he still asking for 50/50?

SingtotheCat · 14/08/2025 09:45

Don’t let him speak to you like this. You ended the relationship for a reason.
Go through a parenting app so it’s all recorded and he may thing twice before being abusive.
you owe him nothing. Stop tiptoeing around the fucker and just go through CMS now.
You asked politely and he responded as he did. I’d be telling him to fuck off and to not speak to me like that, but that’s just me.
I am so fed up for you; so many on here being careful around abusive, bad tempered men when we should have the war.