On paper it's perfect but why isn't it enough?

[PinkPassion]

Thank you for reading this. I've been married for 18 years and we have two teenage children. I recently told my husband that I don't think it's working anymore. We have been happy over the years, we don't really argue and my husband is a good, kind person. But I have recently taken time to really reflect on our situation and I've admitted to myself that I'm not happy. Our relationship is now just a friendship. We don't have sex (haven't for years now) and we're not intimate or physical other than a quick kiss to say goodbye/goodnight (and this is just habit). There's no passion and I don't love him in that way anymore. The problem is, when I told him how I felt, he was completely gutted because he thought everything was perfect. He thinks we can get the spark back. But because I've been inside my own head for months considering everything, I've had time to accept the situation and I know that for me, it is over. I guess I'm just feeling scared about the future, about ripping his heart out and breaking up our family. I know he's a good person but I don't want to spend the rest of my years with him and I feel selfish for admitting that. But I don't want to keep plodding along feeling like I do, it's a strange situation to feel so lonely when you have a wonderful family around you. I'd love to hear from anyone in the same situation or anyone with advice to share. Thank you x

I once wanted sex with him. I don't anymore because I don't have those feeling for him now. I mentioned the lack of sex to show that we are platonic and not intimate. Sex is not the sole reason for wanting to leave, it's just one of the reasons.

It sounds like you don't really get on. You've built up resentment. You lack commonality and really you're just sharing space. If he's not interested in counselling then your done. If you'd prefer to be on your own than with him or anyone else then you need to consider how you can amicably separate. Would you care if he was with someone else and happy? Will you regret it in the future? Its worth having individual counselling to solidify your position and work through things emotionally with a 3rd party. You've got time seen as your not going to pull the plug with DC is doing GCSEs.

I had the conversation with my ex husband last year. He moved out a month later. We spent a few months apart then we started talking about trying again. By this point I loved being on my own. I didn’t care for dating or finding anyone else, but after 20 years together, coming home to my house without him in it felt bloody amazing!!! Needless to say we did not try again. He’s a great person, a fantastic dad but not someone I wanted to be married to anymore. It’s been nearly a year now, I filed for divorce officially a few months ago and it’s all just plodding along. When we drop the kids off I look at him and wonder how we stayed married for so long. I respect him as a person but I don’t even think I like him that much anymore!

As for dating, I dipped my toe in the water and then retreated quite quickly 😂 had some great dates and some not so good. Now I’m not really that fussed, if it happens great, if not, then my life is full enough by myself with family and friends.

good luck whatever you decide to do. For me, I finally feel free, calm and at peace with my life and we’re both so much happier apart 😊 life is too bloody short to be stuck in an unhappy marriage!

I’ve no advice, but I am in exactly the same position as you. My husband is gutted and is trying his best to get me to work on our marriage when I’m not sure I want to.

Sending you a hand hold because I know what you’re going through.

I think marriages should be fought for and aren’t always easy. I wouldn’t walk away unless I could hold my head high and say I/we tried everything, especially when there are kids involved. Obviously cases of abuse, infidelity etc are different. In your case it sounds like you have got into a massive rut. It might be fixable.

Sounds like you have done a lot of thinking on this. I think it’s good that you’re ok with being single. And hopefully you’d be ok with him moving on too? I guess one can never really know how you’re going to feel in the future.

I totally hear you on the not seeing eye to eye all the time and parenting styles. I think it would be good to talk it all through so I would definitely explore counseling with him. It sounds like it should have happened years ago. If he’s not open to it then it sounds like it’s unsalvagable.

It’s sad to imagine that your husband thought you were both very happy while you were the absolute opposite. But it has no bearing on what you should do next. I indicates a lack of care and concern on his part over the last - many - years, for not trying to ensure you felt the same way. And either he has an extremely low bar for what happiness is in a relationship - not a good indicator - or he is just saying this, because he never predicted you would one day wake up and try something else? So many - and more - possible interpretations of what his decision making powers rely on.

One thing seems very clear - you have lived with your feelings for a long time. You have studied the situation and invested thought in it. Don’t second guess or gas light yourself. If you do do counselling, make it discernment or divorce counselling. That still leaves the door open for an epiphany that you want to stay with him - however unlikely - but it is more real.

Thank you for your message, it's good to hear from someone who has come out the other side and is happier.

Can I ask, how did your husband react when you told him? Did he want to work on it? This is the painful bit for me. I had a session with Relate yesterday and it really helped me to see that for me, it is over. I'm still confused by how he thinks we're in a good place. What you describe about coming home to an empty house is how I feel when he's not here.

It's a sad situation but I really feel that we can get through it amicably.

I spoke with a counsellor at Relate yesterday which was really helpful. One thing that she said was that I'm not responsible for his happiness which was a lightbulb moment for me. She also said that guilt is a wasted emotion and that we should try to feel something else instead. Easier said than done.

Thanks for everyone's responses, it has been useful having constructive feedback and some genuine support.

Really needed to see this post as I have been feeling very similar lately so feel like my feelings and reasonings are Validated!

i have 2 lovely kids, a nice home in a nice area and no major issues other than the occasional “baby mum” drama from his previous relationship who he shares a 16 year old with

but lately I just feel that I am not happy and I have just “settled” and I feel like there isn”t a loving relationship it’s become more a friendship there’s no affectionate, no kisses no time spent on “us” and I feel like at my age (35) is this the next however many years of my life!

It's really good to reach out and speak to others. Knowing that there's support and you're not alone in how you feel is so helpful. All I'd say is don't make any hasty decisions. Make sure you talk to each other and see if you can rebuild your relationship. It's a difficult time and there's no right or wrong answer, just whatever feels right. Good luck.

well done for speaking to relate, I would strongly recommend continuing counselling for yourself no matter what decision you make as it can help to give the clarity and self reflection that you need.

my husband didn’t speak to me for 3 days after the conversation. He then tried to act like the conversation hadn’t happened. I had to bring it up again to let him know I was serious. It was only at this point did he take any action on getting things into place regarding living elsewhere etc. I am in a fortunate position where he had housing available to him through his job and I am financially secure enough to continue paying the mortgage without his contribution. Don’t get me wrong, if you choose to go down the divorce route, it isn’t easy either. The mum guilt of not seeing my kids every day is horrendous, but mine are late teens so only phone, message if they want money or a lift anyway 😂

I also believe my ex deserves someone to value him as a partner, with love, physical affection and intimacy and that person wasn’t me. I also deserve to be in a relationship with someone who I feel those things for as well and if that happens then that’s great, but the greatest love I can give is to myself and my happiness and that’s what I chose to do 😊

Well done for speaking with Relate, @PinkPassion (and thanks for your DM too).

Sorry to hear about others on this thread in similar positions.

One of the things that is driving me closer to raising how I feel with my husband is that I increasingly feel like I really don't like myself and I am not living according to my values, if that makes sense. I don't think it is right to remain in a relationship with someone when you know you aren't fully committed and invested it in.

This really resonates with me. I think my husband deserves someone who can love him and be the best partner for him. And this is no longer me.

What I love the most about what you've said is finding happiness through loving yourself. We all need to do this ❤

I really get what you're saying about not being true to yourself. I don't like who I am at the moment and whilst I know it's going to be a really hard and painful time, I know deep down that I'm doing the right thing. Good luck with your next steps.

I'm convinced that my ex "D"P has low testosterone and is depressed but he wouldn't have it. He changed completely last year after getting ill from a virus. We're now in the process of separating and he's being a complete ar$e about the finances now. I don't know what's got into him but he's not the person I knew. It's really sad. Sorry to derail the thread but this post resonated with me. I wish I'd recognised it before and asked him to get tested. But of course the problems in our relationship were all my fault and I am officially The Worst Person In The World now.

Thank you for posting this OP. I am 52 and have been with my husband for 12 years. It's my second marriage and to admit that this one too has come to the end of the road is hard. We have had 20 sessions of couples therapy but all it showed for me was that we are very different and he doesn't really understand me, nor is he interested in trying to. He is a good man, and I will always respect him, but I have changed alot in recent years and want something different for my remaining years. The guilt is huge (we have a 10 year old) but as my therapist said 'unhappiness is polluting to a family, however subtly'. I wish you all the best OP in your decision making.

Absolutely nothing wrong with remaining single. Why is that a problem? Living a fake pretence that the marriage is working when it isn't and you're desperately unhappy, is far, far worse.

@Electra50 it sounds like you have tried really hard and had a lot of therapy. And hopefully it has helped both of you to understand the situation you're in. I'm sorry that this is your second marriage, that can't be easy for you. Like you, I've changed and I want more from life. I've realised that we're quite different people and we really don't share any common interests and we don't communicate well. It's just sad that it's taken me so long to admit it, I've kept going for the family (for years really) but since the beginning of the year, I've been soul searching and reflecting. And then it was like a switch when I realised and I know I'm making the right decision. Doesn't make it easy though. Sending a hug your way.

Going to watch this thread for now: we’re at the going for counselling stage, he hopes to save things, I think it’s gone too far.

@GreenwayHouse I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out for you and that the blame game was put on you. Exactly this...he is not the person i knew 13 years ago. We were planning a wedding through this too and believe me when i say we both seriously rethought that! He happily discussed with the GP to get a referral and thats how i know he wants it to get better. I wish more men would discuss these things freely!

Thanks @Willyoushutthefrontdoor
It's been absolutely horrible having to deal with it all. My ex has changed completely. I never thought he had it in him to treat me so badly. I'm sure there's something wrong - depression/low testosterone/some sort of breakdown. I'm sorry you've had such a difficult time and am glad that your DH/DP is at least seeking help. I hope it all works out for you.

OP - I'm sorry to derail your thread. I think you probably know in your gut that it's not right. My thought is that a lot of people know the answer to their questions already and come onto MN for validation. I left someone in my 20s because it wasn't right, for either of us. He went onto marry someone he's still with and they have three kids. He's much happier with her. He wasn't horrible but he wasn't right for me. It sounds as if you already know the answer?

@GreenwayHouse it sounds like you've had a really tough time. I hope you're getting through it.
I think you're right about coming on here for validation. And also for support because it really helps to know that I'm not alone in what I'm feeling. I do know in my gut that it's over. We've talked a lot this week and he realises it too, although he is struggling to accept it. I just hope that counselling helps him to better understand our situation because it's not a happy or healthy relationship. My parents are in their 70s and they argue constantly and are generally unhappy. But they have stayed together because that's what that generation do. I don't want that for myself. I choose happiness.