On paper it's perfect but why isn't it enough?

[PinkPassion]

Thank you for reading this. I've been married for 18 years and we have two teenage children. I recently told my husband that I don't think it's working anymore. We have been happy over the years, we don't really argue and my husband is a good, kind person. But I have recently taken time to really reflect on our situation and I've admitted to myself that I'm not happy. Our relationship is now just a friendship. We don't have sex (haven't for years now) and we're not intimate or physical other than a quick kiss to say goodbye/goodnight (and this is just habit). There's no passion and I don't love him in that way anymore. The problem is, when I told him how I felt, he was completely gutted because he thought everything was perfect. He thinks we can get the spark back. But because I've been inside my own head for months considering everything, I've had time to accept the situation and I know that for me, it is over. I guess I'm just feeling scared about the future, about ripping his heart out and breaking up our family. I know he's a good person but I don't want to spend the rest of my years with him and I feel selfish for admitting that. But I don't want to keep plodding along feeling like I do, it's a strange situation to feel so lonely when you have a wonderful family around you. I'd love to hear from anyone in the same situation or anyone with advice to share. Thank you x

This is a sad situation. Would you consider marriage counselling to talk about things?

Im on the other end of this (although it had got quite infrequent we hadn't stopped having sex). My husband has simply said "I don't feel that way about you".

All I would say is try the counselling. The think that is hurting me the most is that he has come to this in his own head and presented me with the end. It's hurtful and perhaps disrespectful. You also don't know what could change when the relationship is looked at.

And if you do separate he will hopefully find it easier if you've done the right thing by him and even more importantly the children and listened to him. It will also give you both the chance to look at the outcomes and repercussions.

If you are expecting to find a kind and decent new partner with long term sexual attraction how likely do you think that is?

Is the grass greener and the reality would be disappointing?

It is selfish of you to decide now that you are not happy. You should have spoken up years ago.

In reality, many long marriages don't have the same "spark" as they did at the start but mature into something deeper and more meaningful.

You may find that if you bin off your husband in favour of trying to find something more exciting but superficial, the same thing happens again. Or you might not find another relationship at all.

I wouldn't break up a family for this.

I think you should at least try counselling first, before you throw away that many years.

Don't just decide in isolation that it's over. Give both of you a chance to fix things through discussion & working as a team. At least give it a try.

If that doesn't work, then separation is more reasonable.

That’s what marriage IS. Why throw it away for some unguaranteed seedy sex fest with a Tinder reject?

I agree with this.

Of course if you are unhappy with no chance of changing that and/or he's an awful person then walk away without looking back, but it sounds like you still think he's a decent person and he's keen to work on things. Could you start dating him again (sounds weird I know), or something to try and rebuild the relationship before making a final decision? Having children puts marriage through a lot, it sounds like now they're teens there's light at the end of the tunnel and you're starting to see glimpses of the next stage of life; going alone might be the right thing, but you might regret not trying to reignite the spark in my opinion.

i think you’d be absolutely mad to throw your marriage away on the basis of what you have said ( unless there is more wrong than mentioned).

It just sounds like a fairly normal mid life crisis moment.

How many good, decent, kind men are out there that you can have hot sex with, do you think?

If your Husband really is good, kind and decent I think you should prepare yourself for the likelihood that he will find a new partner whilst you remain single. Decent, single middle aged men are bloody gold dust to single middle aged women.

I actually knew a woman who suggested a trial separation with her husband as she felt like you. After 6 months she wanted to get back with him. He, on the other hand, had realized to his surprise that he was rather popular in the dating pool. So he refused his wife’s offer to get back together and got on with divorcing her and enjoying his new life.

It's this.

You are presenting it as final.
Not even agreeing to counselling is wrong IMO.

You owe it to the father of your children amd life partner for 2 decades to try.

Also If you are happy to be alone... fine.
If you think you'll meet some fully functioning adult man with all his own teeth and hair and have fulfilling sex you are in for a rude awakening...

Personally I think you are mad to consider leaving and i'd start counselling because I'd assume i was having a midlife crisis

You are entitled to do what you want but I would also consider

1. Are you assuming you will meet someone else. You might but equally you might not.
2. How would you feel about your nice but unexciting husband meeting someone else?

If you are prepared to go it alone then yes carry on but I would just be wary of the grass is greener. I recently separated and it us hard and this is with a horrible relationship. At least I know that my partner was unkind to me.

I was you a year ago.

We separated.

We are both immeasurably happier.

When you know it’s over, it’s over.

I hear you but I think I would go to the counselling and engage in it. If you reach the same conclusion, fine. But you may not. And I think he will appreciate that you tried after having approached him.

If you do decide to separate do so on the basis that you would be happy alone, not that you will necessarily find better. I do think he could have done more too but it's in the open now so I think at least attempt counselling.

How old are the kids? Any important exams coming up?

Are you unhappy with other things or is the main issue the lack of sexual intimacy? All relationships have issues and need work. It's easy to become lazy and complacent. I think you can reintroduced intimacy if you both work on it. Although, it might feel a bit alien to begin with. I'd be inclined to introduce a weekly date night. Try to hold hands. Sit next to each other on the sofa. Have no mobiles in the evening. It also might be worth boty of ypu having a health mot to check hormone levels because that can impact sex drive. I also think marriage counselling is a good idea.

I think if you are unhappy, you've talked about it, made an effort to make it work, and nothing changes, then you should absolutely walk away. You deserve to be happy. However, I don't think you're there yet. It sounds like blindsided your husband.

I have been with my H coming up for 16 years. I love him but i wouldn't stay in a sexless marriage.

@PinkPassion relationships change over time. When was the last time the two of you had a holiday or weekend away together. I’d start there, think about if once the kids have left you want to be stuck with each other.

I left my long marriage a few years ago and have no regrets. It was stone dead.

However, I always say this, only leave if you want to actually be single. Don't leave if you are thinking that you will meet someone else. Dating as a middle aged woman is honestly pretty dire and chances are that you will just end up going off men completely after a while of trying. Most of my single friends in their 40s tried the apps for a while but have since deleted them and decided to just be single.

I think this is the reality of many marriages and when we look at couples still content in their marriages in their 80’s it’s probably because they spent a few years just plodding along without much spark.

Think about the reality of being on your own long term. It is of course possible that you will meet the man of your dreams and live happily ever after, but there would still be consequences you have to live with because of the hurt it would cause your family. You’d be setting your children up with a lifetime of having to deal with separated parents and steps for all their future family occasions. Or you might find yourself alone for holidays and special occasions and feel no more fulfilled than you do now. I would do the counselling and look at what you can do as an individual to increase your happiness with the living situation you are in.

13 years together for us. Only married last year despite the ups and downs...or lack thereof 😆 It went downhill on my part about 3 years ago due to menopause. Im fine now. We got through that then for him about a year ago things changed. Not like him at all. Could this be hormonal for him and you? You don't mention your age. We are in our 50s. I urged him to speak to a doctor who has referred him to endocrinology and his testosterone has plummeted. Hes awaiting a call back for retesting in July. We still have date nights and weekends away. We still hold hands and kiss. We are still in love and love each other. We are great friends. We just need to make more of an effort and we recognise that. But we won't give up. This is the 2nd marriage for us both and for us personally, we both know the grass is not always greener although of course I understand when things are not salvageable as in my first marriage we had grew apart long before the separation. This one is still better than that one was.

I'm heartened reading all this posts urging you not to throw in the towel rather than LTB.

You shouldn't break up your family in these circumstances.

Can you try having sex and see how it goes?

All this "but you'll be alooonneeeee" - maybe that is exactly what OP wants! Maybe she doesn't define herself by whether she has a man! Encouraging her to keep her bar low and not expect too much from a long term relationship. And encouraging her to have sex she doesn't want!!

OP - I hear you. I feel exactly the same way but unfortunately I am not as brave as you. Well done for speaking up (ignore the comment about you should have done it years ago - not even sure what that means).

Also, I'm willing to bet that in reality your husband has probably let you down in lots of small ways over the years and that is what has led you to this place.

By all means try couples therapy, but don't be railroaded into changing your mind unless you really want to.

Well she might want to be alone but when she specifically mentions no sex or physical intimacy/ affection as a reason to leave, its hardly surprising posters are assuming she might be leaving in the hope of finding another relationship to replace her H.

I see why you mean. I interpreted that as she didn't want it - but I'm probably projecting 😂😂

I've been on the recieving end of this myself in the last three months.

Maybe as one poster said, if you know you know - but how I wish my partner had spoken, and given us the opportunity to at least try 😢

Thank you for all your messages, it is really helpful to have others' perspectives.

I should say, this is definitely NOT about wanting to find someone else or thinking that the grass would be greener. This is about my current situation and not being happy. I would rather be single than be with another man.

I am open to counselling, I have spoken to him about it but he is less keen. However, I will talk to him again about trying it.

There is more to it than just the lack of sex or intimacy. We are very different people and we regularly pick at each other. Although we don't actually argue, the constant 'not seeing eye to eye' is quite draining. We have very different parenting styles which can also be very challenging. There are other things which build up over time and then become something bigger.

I am aware that I have been inside my own head but we did speak a few months ago and I told him that I was struggling and we talked and I was open with him. But nothing has changed, from either of us.

I'm mid 40s. Our son has GCSEs coming up so we need to keep things stable for him at the moment. That means that we can keep talking and discussing what we do.