Do I need to be wary of him as we try and navigate divorce/coparenting?

[prettytoxic]

I’ve been in a relationship with this man for 14 years. For context we have a preschool aged child. Overall he’s a good guy but he’s always had an impatient/judgemental and somewhat cold side to him.

A few examples:

• Refusing to drive me to A&E for suspected heart issues/atrial fibrillation last year. He told me “you’re a grown up” and turned away when I said I didn’t want to go alone/drive myself.
• If I ever struggled with anything mental health related he’d say “why can’t you just be normal” or something similar
• when I was heavily pregnant he got full of rage one afternoon for seemingly no reason (I think it might have been because I was too pregnant to drive safely and he had to pick me up from the hairdresser, approx 7 mins drive away, but I’m not sure). That day he got up in my face, sort of bearing his teeth because I asked him why he was angry. We were outside a supermarket entrance as he did this. I backed off and went back to the car as I was shaken and embarrassed. Nothing else happened, the next day I went into labour and our daughter was born 4 weeks prematurely.
• I experienced childhood trauma and have gone to therapy several times. When I spoke of considering further therapy he told me that I’m incapable of change or deep work on myself and that I should "just do the surface stuff" (this translates to following his advice as to how I live my life, rather than exploring this myself). He’s never been to therapy himself, of course, as he “isn’t the one who needs it”.
• Talking unkindly to me in front of our toddler to the point where she said “stop shouting at mama” and she has frequently said “dada is mean”.
• Financial control (potentially, but too complex to explain here and not obviously)
• Calling me a “Fucking pushover” because I parent in a more gentle and flexible way than him and validate feelings rather than setting punitive rules as he does.
• Slamming my laptop shut when I was sitting on the bed working on it, to the point where I thought he’d broken it (thankfully he hadn’t).

I’ll stop there but hopefully you get a sense of the type of struggles we have in our dynamic.

CUT TO TODAY:
This morning he told me that I am a terrible mother and that I do not pull my weight, and that I have no personality. He told me he was going to stay with his parents and not come back. He said that now we are separating it'll be obvious how rubbish a mum I am as “you’ll probably have your mum or childminder help you rather than doing the job YOU should be doing!”. For context my mum and childminder did used to help me when I was working full time but not any more, not for a couple of years now.

I was upset but in that moment so clear in my mind that he seemingly has different personalities - the other version of “him” (the one I married) would not say or think that of me as it is categorically untrue. I know I’m a good Mum, my daughter and I are close and I know I’m generally her secure base. I was hurt and shocked once again by his contempt towards me though. I left the room after he’d said this.

I don’t think he was expecting that anything would come of this interaction as 30 minutes later he was acting normally with me again, as if nothing had happened. But I'd had enough and so I called his bluff/escalated things and texted our families letting them know we are separating.

Now that his family know we are separating, he is acting so kind and empathetic saying that “he’ll always be there for me” and the divorce will be amicable, "you can have whatever you want/need”. For context he is also now saying he’ll continue to live here and not go to his parents. I have nowhere else to go.

I feel like I’ve got whiplash from his behaviour/attitude and I honestly don’t know how best to navigate this. My head is spinning with his hurtful words and now that he is seemingly so fine with the separation, I wonder if he ever loved me at all. I’m trying hard not to go down a “I’m so worthless” path in my head but I keep crying and can't sleep.

He has support from his parents and wider family, who are also close to our child. I’m worried he’s going to try and alienate her from me but I hope this is just paranoia on my part.

I have no money at all for legal advice (he does) so I feel quite helpless in that regard too. Can anyone advise me what I should do to protect myself/ensure the best possible outcome for my child and myself as I try to navigate coparenting and separating assets? We jointly own our home.

I'm dreading trying to put on a happy face for our child tomorrow and could do with advice on how to stay steady for her, too. Lately I feel quite disconnected with stress which makes it harder than usual for me to be present with her. Not sleeping at all tonight probably won't help either but I'm too on high alert to sleep, hence posting. Thanks in advance.

Yes, be very wary. Right now he’s being nice because he still thinks he can reel you back in. Once he realises you’re serious he’ll drop the mask.

This is typical of the hot/cold/hot/ cold behaviours of abusers.
They mess with your head by being inconsistent
You are alternately flooded with cortisol then dopamine with causes a trauma bond stress followed by relief and the high of everything being OK

Get your ducks in a row -there is plenty of advice on here.
He will be soooo nice, it's not real.
He will be Mr Reasonable in front of everyone to try to make you the bad guy.
Stay completely calm and avoid being provoked-go through a solicitor/ court for all decisions
Ignore his bullshit about being a bad mother -even your DD sees right through him

These men are called "crazy makers"
They provoke to use your reaction against you so yes be very wary.

100% be wary. He’s proven to you that he can flip his personality so do not fall for his “I’m sorry” / “it’ll be an amicable divorce”. While he’s playing nice use this time to get your ducks in a row. Gather together paperwork- to do with the house, bank accounts and your daughter’s birth certificate and passport if she has one. Can your mum support you at all? Either loaning you some money or giving you somewhere to stay with your daughter? In the meantime, stake your daughter out as much as you can to be out of the house. Simply come back to sleep (if you can) and put your daughter to bed.

Thank you, I’m going to save these words in my phone to read when I need to, especially what you said about my DD seeing through him. Obviously she loves him but I think she does see through him on some level

Thank you. I will follow your advice. Unfortunately my Mum cannot afford to help, although she had said she’ll cover the cost of an initial legal appt or emergency money for a bill (like £100 or less). She is there for me emotionally at the moment but we do also have a somewhat tricky relationship so I don’t want to rely on her too much. I think ultimately I need to navigate this situation alone. If my Dad was alive he’d help but he died unexpectedly when I was pregnant with DD.

This all makes perfect sense, and I can literally feel the cortisol in my body most days. Like it rushes through me. I don’t really get the dopamine reward anymore, I think I’m too depleted at this point. Crazy making indeed. 😔

So sorry you are going through this. Has he ever been physical towards you?

He’s an abusive asshole (please see the image to better understand abuse) and you absolutely should be wary of him, as it’s common for abuse to increase when you attempt to leave. In terms
of your next steps I think you need to see a solicitor (you may qualify for free legal advice because of the domestic abuse), find support from a domestic abuse charity and speak to the council about housing support. I would be careful to do all this in secret as you doing anything to take action to leave will likely make him very angry. I’d also consider if you have any friends or family you can confide in fully about what’s been happening, to make sure they can fully support you and to keep an eye on you in terms of your safety.

Sorry you are going through this OP, he sounds like a real piece of work. Don’t forget you are entitled to half what is his , definitely seek legal advice. Maybe go through domestic abuse support as suggested - they are expert and will offer the best support and advice . Get important documents together like birth certificates, passports etc

Yes, be wary. My husband was nowhere near yours in terms of behaviour before we separated (much more subtle apart from 1 month of silence which was my trigger), however this has gone to an extreme since I left.

This week, nearly six months after I left, I got a two page email diagnosing me with borderline personality disorder and listing everything that is wrong me as evidence. After I first left, he claimed I was severely depressed and spoke to all my friends and family about it because he was so concerned. He has weaponised support I’ve got (anti depressants and counselling) into being evidence of my instability.

He also delayed acknowledging the divorce application until I said I would get court to do it. He’s been awkward and has delayed sending me money when I’ve asked (he has all our savings) and hasn’t offered any maintenance for our 16yr old.

I did leave suddenly because I thought he would be awkward but I didn’t expect all this.

Contact Women's Aid as a starting point: www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Of course you need to be wary
concerning you feel the need to ask

Do you work Op?

Thanks, I just emailed them

So sorry that you’re going through something similar. X

People suggesting keeping birth certificate and passports close - is this in case he tried to take DD without my consent? I highly doubt he’d do this. But I know this does happen to some people 😔

I don’t know, he’s not overtly abusive so I doubt anyone would think it’s a clear cut risky situation. Unless my perspective is totally warped. 🤷‍♀️

I feel for you OP. I'm glad you have reached out to seek some advice re the Domestic Abuse because that's what it is. Please remember your assets are all shared in law. From experience, he will probably try to coerce or bully you in to making major decisions. He will most likely do this by being completely foul to you, then out of the blue he will be nice and you'll be so relieved that you may be tempted to agree to stuff. Don't. Just say "I will take some time to think about that" or "I'm going to get some professional advice about that" and repeat. It really can help you navigate his toxic behaviour. With my ex it really minimised his toxic demands as it took some of his power away. Take care OP

Sorry you are in this situation but it is great you are asking this question as he certainly sounds a particular type of person that you will need to learn particularly strategies to protect yourself and your daughter as much as possible.

It's a good idea to start keeping a diary of any incidents that occur that you can use for your own sanity or for evidence if needed

You are entitled to reduce contact as much as possible, eg. Via email only or text, so no phone conversations, that way things are in writing and minimise face to face interactions that he can use to intimidate and manipulate you.

You can learn more about coercive control of children and mothers, Dr Emma Katz. Dr Peter Salerno shares very good info about these types of people and recovery- as standard therapy can make things worse if you have a therapist/counsellor who is not familiar with these types of individuals (many have absolutely no training in abuse and will therefore give you terrible advice).

It’s hard to do things without ID…setting up bank accounts, proving your identity with a solicitor, checks for rental properties…I’ve needed my passport for all of these. I’ve got to go back to the house (fortunately he’s away for the weekend) to get qualification certificates for a course I’m applying for.

These types of men often have NPD so are never overtly abusive particularly in front of others.
They present as perfectly nice in front of others and will do anything to blame you as they have intensly fragile egos so they provoke and "crazy make" to prove to themselves and others that it's your fault.
Be very very wary as the rage that comes with this fragile ego is dangerous.
Don't change your behaviour or give him any reason to suspect you might leave.
Change all passwords, delete phone history and put your passport and birth cert somewhere safe.
Do not tell him what you plan to do.

As for not overtly abusive-your small child sees him for what he is.
Your perspective is off because your childhood experiences tell you this ok
It's not
Angry, bearing his teeth -WTF!
Cold, unpleasant, uncaring and the rage
Financial abuse
He's an abusive man Op

No, the closest physically aggressive thing was probably getting up in my face and the day he walked into the room and aggressively slammed my laptop shut while I was sitting alone doing some work on my bed. For some reason that really triggered an adrenaline response in me, I hadn’t expected him to do that. But essentially, no, there is no physical abuse happening.

Just wanted to share that I’m quite proud of myself for the morning I’ve had with DD, all things considered and with only two hours sleep. We had some quality time alone together which included snuggling up and reading stories and playing hairdresser with all her cuddly toys. Thanks to all of you who replied for the support, honestly the replies on this thread have helped me to feel more positive.

Remove from the house passports, birth certificates, financial documents, precious items that are irreplaceable like photos, jewellery, etc. Pack an emergency overnight bag. Then leave all of this at a friend's or your mum's. This is your backup plan.
Good job contacting women's aid, they will be able to guide you.
Don't tell him anything. Without wanting to scare you, I wish someone had told me this, but post separation abuse often increases. Stay out of the house as much as you can when he is around, always have your phone charged and close by. Wishing you luck, this time next year you will look back and be so proud of yourself.

So last night he admitted what he has said to me is unforgivable and that he cannot control how he talks to me.

For some reason I feel so flat today. He’s looking after DD while I take a shower but I’m just sitting here on the bathroom floor. I know I’ll get up in a minute but life feels hard today.