I’ve been in a relationship with this man for 14 years. For context we have a preschool aged child. Overall he’s a good guy but he’s always had an impatient/judgemental and somewhat cold side to him.
A few examples:
- Refusing to drive me to A&E for suspected heart issues/atrial fibrillation last year. He told me “you’re a grown up” and turned away when I said I didn’t want to go alone/drive myself.
- If I ever struggled with anything mental health related he’d say “why can’t you just be normal” or something similar
- when I was heavily pregnant he got full of rage one afternoon for seemingly no reason (I think it might have been because I was too pregnant to drive safely and he had to pick me up from the hairdresser, approx 7 mins drive away, but I’m not sure). That day he got up in my face, sort of bearing his teeth because I asked him why he was angry. We were outside a supermarket entrance as he did this. I backed off and went back to the car as I was shaken and embarrassed. Nothing else happened, the next day I went into labour and our daughter was born 4 weeks prematurely.
- I experienced childhood trauma and have gone to therapy several times. When I spoke of considering further therapy he told me that I’m incapable of change or deep work on myself and that I should "just do the surface stuff" (this translates to following his advice as to how I live my life, rather than exploring this myself). He’s never been to therapy himself, of course, as he “isn’t the one who needs it”.
- Talking unkindly to me in front of our toddler to the point where she said “stop shouting at mama” and she has frequently said “dada is mean”.
- Financial control (potentially, but too complex to explain here and not obviously)
- Calling me a “Fucking pushover” because I parent in a more gentle and flexible way than him and validate feelings rather than setting punitive rules as he does.
- Slamming my laptop shut when I was sitting on the bed working on it, to the point where I thought he’d broken it (thankfully he hadn’t).
I’ll stop there but hopefully you get a sense of the type of struggles we have in our dynamic.
CUT TO TODAY:
This morning he told me that I am a terrible mother and that I do not pull my weight, and that I have no personality. He told me he was going to stay with his parents and not come back. He said that now we are separating it'll be obvious how rubbish a mum I am as “you’ll probably have your mum or childminder help you rather than doing the job YOU should be doing!”. For context my mum and childminder did used to help me when I was working full time but not any more, not for a couple of years now.
I was upset but in that moment so clear in my mind that he seemingly has different personalities - the other version of “him” (the one I married) would not say or think that of me as it is categorically untrue. I know I’m a good Mum, my daughter and I are close and I know I’m generally her secure base. I was hurt and shocked once again by his contempt towards me though. I left the room after he’d said this.
I don’t think he was expecting that anything would come of this interaction as 30 minutes later he was acting normally with me again, as if nothing had happened. But I'd had enough and so I called his bluff/escalated things and texted our families letting them know we are separating.
Now that his family know we are separating, he is acting so kind and empathetic saying that “he’ll always be there for me” and the divorce will be amicable, "you can have whatever you want/need”. For context he is also now saying he’ll continue to live here and not go to his parents. I have nowhere else to go.
I feel like I’ve got whiplash from his behaviour/attitude and I honestly don’t know how best to navigate this. My head is spinning with his hurtful words and now that he is seemingly so fine with the separation, I wonder if he ever loved me at all. I’m trying hard not to go down a “I’m so worthless” path in my head but I keep crying and can't sleep.
He has support from his parents and wider family, who are also close to our child. I’m worried he’s going to try and alienate her from me but I hope this is just paranoia on my part.
I have no money at all for legal advice (he does) so I feel quite helpless in that regard too. Can anyone advise me what I should do to protect myself/ensure the best possible outcome for my child and myself as I try to navigate coparenting and separating assets? We jointly own our home.
I'm dreading trying to put on a happy face for our child tomorrow and could do with advice on how to stay steady for her, too. Lately I feel quite disconnected with stress which makes it harder than usual for me to be present with her. Not sleeping at all tonight probably won't help either but I'm too on high alert to sleep, hence posting. Thanks in advance.