Telling the kids about our separation.

[tellmesomethingtrue]

Has anyone recently told their KS2 children about your separation? We are close to telling our DC this week. We are currently having to still live together but we are mid-divorce. Waiting for house to sell. Do you have any advice please? I’m dreading telling them although I would like them to know. I feel bad keeping everything from them and not acknowledging that the arguments they are witnessing are wrong so we’re doing something about it. It feels like once they know, it will suddenly feel very real. Is anyone willing to share their experience please? No idea how my DC will react.

No advice but following as likely to be in this position soon. Absolutely dreading it, I'm so sad about the whole thing I don't know how say the words without completely having meltdown myself. Hugs xx

I'm in the same situation too. I'm absolutely dreading telling DS. I'm so sad that I'm/we're going to change his life. It's the main thing that keeps me awake at night. I've suggested to stbexh that we wait until the house goes on the market before telling him.

What age is KS2?

Thank you so so much for the moral support and sorry to hear you’re in the same situation. KS2 is years 4-6 at primary so ages 8-11

I left my partner last week and neither he nor my children knew it was happening in advance (due to emotional abuse I planned the whole thing in secret and moved our while he was away on a work trip), so naturally this was a massive shock to them all.
This is very specific to my situation, but initially I told the children (DD who is in year 4 and DS in year 1), that we had to go and stay somewhere else due to some emergency works at home. This was just because their dad didn’t know yet, and I wanted him to know before they went into school telling people, which would have been awful.
anyway after he knew, I sat the children down and told them - I started by telling them how much we both love them, and that the most important thing is that they are happy, and safe, and know that they are loved (this is something I have often told them). I went on to say that because daddy and I have been having a lot of arguments I thought it would be better if we stayed in a separate place for now, but they were still going to see us both etc etc. Later the same day we met up with their dad as he wanted to tell them together (oops) and we explained it as “like having a timeout” in the way that sometimes as siblings they need to go into separate rooms so that they can be friends again (NB this was his angle, as he thinks the split is temporary).
anyway I realise much of this won’t match your situation, but in terms
of their reactions my daughter asked lots of questions (“are you splitting up?” And lots of specific questions about living arrangements) but our son just ran off, wouldn’t sit down or listen to anything we had to say.
This was on Saturday, and they’ve been remarkably ok since (despite the fact I’ve uprooted them from their home as well as their dad). My son has been having his moments (acting up a bit at times, but extra cuddly at bedtime, and choosing to sleep in with his big sister most nights) and I know it’s super early days, but I’m quite amazed by how they’ve handled it.
i know it’s hard but it might not be as bad as you think, my children witnessed a lot (a lot) of awful arguments and I am sure it’s a relief to them to know that won’t be happening anymore.

Thank you so much for sharing and I hope you are feeling optimistic. I think my eldest will feel relief, in addition to sadness. I imagine they’ll need time to process the change.

I did almost exactly the same for similar reasons 4 years ago. My children were only 2 and 4 at the time but I concentrated on how much they are loved and how it's important that they see their parents being happy and they settled and adapted very quickly. When asked why I didn't want to live to daddy I was honest in an age appropriate way 'Daddy wasn't always very nice to mummy and we all deserve to only live with people who treat us well' for example. They unfortunately saw a lot of his not so nice behaviour and you'll be surprised how perceptive they can be. You will all be ok, telling children about big changes can be so difficult just try and be open and honest and if you don't know something it's ok to tell them that and suggest you work it out together.

This is my worry too. I will be in the same position soon. I am constantly on the verge of tears and just know I won’t be able to hold them back especially when they inevitably cry.

You might be surprised @Clelja- it does depend on the situation of course but although I was dreading it I was strangely calm, and neither of my children (8 and 5) cried (though older ones may react differently I suppose). In order to leave I had to be very strong (even when I didn’t feel it) and just went into a completely different mode to my normal way of being, because I knew what I had to do. For me I laid awake worrying about how to tell my quite elderly parents (I sent them an email in the end..) as well as how to tell my partner (ditto 🙈). I’m not saying any of this was easy but in many ways the fear of telling everyone was so built up in my mind that I think the reality wasn’t quite as bad I expected (apart from maybe the telling exDP part).

My child was a little younger and it was left to me to tell them. Have to say what they hated and still throw at me years later is how they felt lied to (when I made excuses about where their dad was prior to telling them it was finally over). I’d tell them sooner rather than later - as parents we make a big deal about not lying but children can’t differentiate/ appreciate the difference between a white lie or a lie told to protect someone (ie them). To a child a lie is a lie and they won’t understand being lied to to protect them. So be as truthful as possible as soon as possible.

This is what I’m worried I’m about. Once they know, I wonder if they’ll piece things together and realise we’ve been hiding this from them for ages. H keeps saying to not tell them as house not selling. May half term would be the latest time to tell them as my eldest is year 6 as I’d like to think he’d feel support from the primary school rather than him finding out during his move to secondary.

I am in the same boat I am going to be there soon

Put it this way @tellmesomethingtrue, (and I mean this with compassion for you and them), what is the reason to not tell them until the house is sold? Do you/H think it will be easier on them when the news is “we’re separating and the house is sold”? I know that our family home will have to be sold eventually but I think that’s going to come as a big blow to my children, and possibly experiencing the changes in stages might be less difficult for them? I completely understand how hard it is, and perhaps you and their dad disagree on this, but I’m just not sure that putting it off is going to help anybody.

I am also dreading telling my son about his dad and I splitting (still living together, mostly amicably). Some days I feel really ok about it and start planning and feeling like I'm in control and it'll all be ok. And then when it comes to actually doing it, I chicken out. Doesn't help that my STBX is emotionally avoidant at the best of times and will never instigate such a conversation, so it has to be me pushing him for us to both do it and I can't quite get there yet. It feels so unnatural to be pushing to break up our family unit, and yet I know our relationship is dysfunctional and I have been unhappy for a very long time. I'm hoping others who have also been putting it off might have found their courage and have stories of hope to share...?

Good luck @tellmesomethingtrue - been there very recently. I won’t lie, it was horrible. One ran out of the room so we couldn’t say everything we had planned. Against all odds I held myself together through “the conversation”.. I have no idea how.

There’s no easy way to tell them, the timing is up to you entirely however one thing I will say is that even though it was horrible seeing our DC react and the pure pain they were feeling, there was still a sense of relief a day or so later that the conversation was done. The house was a weird sort of calm, and there was no more putting on a brave face. Faking it for the kids took its toll on me more than I’d realised.

I’m also in the same situation and mine are 8 and 11. Is your child sitting sats next week? That’s one thing that has delayed our telling them, which is difficult when husband is moving out Friday

How are you and kids doing now? Is co parenting going ok?

I’m in the same situation too. Mine doesn’t want the separation which makes it even harder. Does yours?

Sorry you're in the same boat. No, he doesn't see a need for the separation, whereas to me it's glaringly obvious. There's no one else involved so it's harder to 'justify', but I also know that it's an essential next step as it's been affecting my emotional and physical health for so long. But I feel awful for my son (& to a certain extent for my STBX, as it's not his fault that he is wired the way he is), yet on the other hand I can't wait until the cat is out of the bag and I don't have to worry about telling DS anymore...

Sorry to hear that, it’s awful when your insides are screaming ‘get out.’ Is it hard living together with him still wanting to be together? My fear is telling our kids, which we’ve just second agreed to do Friday after school, and hopefully ease the blow by going to cinema afterwards so we look united still

He doesn't actively want to still be together (not a very affectionate person, very low needs for emotional connection) but he was happy with the status quo and would never have made a move to actually spilt, even though he had brought it up in arguments on several occasions.

Good for you for facing your fears and telling the children on Friday. Cinema afterwards is a great idea, I hope it goes well. Let us know.

Hi @Em1988x I’m sorry you are facing this too, but good to have a plan in place. We are a month in, and have had one of the children’s birthdays this week as well as Easter, school holidays etc to navigate. Personally I’m desperate for some routine as I feel like everything keeps getting upended by holidays etc. the children have been ok, my 9 yr old wants to stay at our new place forever and is more reluctant to see her dad, but she was much more aware of what was happening and had begged me to leave him 😔 whereas my 5 year old wants to go back to the former family home and I think wants everything to go back to normal - he’s been acting up more than my daughter, but then again he’s always been tricky. But generally they are coping extremely well I think. My partner is desperate for a reconciliation so wants us to spend time together, and it’s really hard as now I’m out of the home I just want him out of my life! But obviously that’s impossible with young children so we’ll just have to learn to navigate it.

No kid wants their parents to split up and no kid wants that to involve moving out of their home either so there will never be a good time. The most important thing is demonstrating your love for them in the immediate aftermath and helping them through the transition. It’s essential that you are both on the same page with this and both work together to ensure that the children think in 3/6 months “actually this isn’t too bad”

It’s when one parent (usually the dad) disappears or prioritises a new gf or going out over his kids or either get jealous when their ex starts seeing someone and start playing silly buggers that the problems start.

Thank you, I can imagine our boy who is 11 will struggle not having his dad here every day, they are like best friends and can see my daughter being very dramatic because that is her personality. They definitely sense something. Dad is moving out his stuff today and we are planning to tell them over weekend, although he wants us to say that I think it’s best he moves out for abit and have a trial separation. He doesn’t want them to think he’s leaving out of choice. How and what did you say to your kids, did you do anything afterwards together? Do you mind me asking reasons for separation? Today all I’ve done is cry and go back and forth second guessing myself and thinking maybe he should stay and we see how it goes. He doesn’t want to go either which makes it worse. I don’t want to break their hearts and then few months we think of trying again. Did you have any doubts at all?

@Em1988x I left after years of escalating verbal and emotional abuse, so the children had witnessed a lot 😔 Further up-thread I wrote out what I said to them if you want to have a read of that, but I think it’s very age dependent how you say it (as long as they are assured that you both love them and their happiness is everybody’s priority). I told them all of this by myself a few days after we had moved out, their dad then wanted to meet and tell them together and he painted it as temporary which was a problem for me, as I have no intention of going back. My youngest (5) has been asking when it’s finishing… so that’s a bit tricky, but then again his father has the same question, so I need to be more clear with everyone about this.
we did quite a few things all together just after I had left, in theory this was for the children to see unity but I found it really hard and wouldn’t have chosen to do it that way myself. I think if both you and he are unsure then perhaps it is salvageable (in my case it wasn’t) so maybe you can tell the children it’s a “time out” to give everyone some time apart, and see how it goes from there? Sending big hugs as I know it’s so so hard.