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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Husband wants to separate

38 replies

Clelja · 06/04/2025 16:53

Hi - I am new to posting here. I am really struggling and looking for advice please.

I have just turned 40. I have been married since 2012 but have been with my husband since I was 18 years old. We have two kids ages 8 and 11. Overall we have had a good relationship, however had the odd argument over the years mainly around me feeling as though my husband didn’t help out enough or about him not spending enough time with us.

In July 2022 we moved to our ‘forever home’ and since then we seem to have slowly drifted apart. I knew it was happening but never really thought we would ever split. Since Christmas he has seemed so cold and distant and I finally spoke up end of Feb. He basically said that we lead separate lives and thinks we should separate.

I am devastated. I have given my life to him and have only ever wanted him to show up for us. We told our families we were splitting and all were upset/shocked. After a couple of days we agree to give things another go to know we have tried everything. It started well but he soon became withdrawn again.

Since this all happened, I haven’t been able to sleep, eat properly or do anything but show up to work. When people talk to me I am here in person but not in mind. I feel empty, constantly on the verge of tears and have a constant chest pain. I am struggling to show up for my kids. I feel paralysed.

The current situation is that we are ‘still trying’ but he really isn’t. It is like I don’t recognise him. To make things more complex we are going on a family holiday with his parents next week. He said this isn’t the reason he agreed to try again but deep down I think it is. I am so worried about the impact on my children. If we do separate, will I be strong enough?

Any advice welcome.

OP posts:
EveryOtherNameTaken · 06/04/2025 21:47

I'm sorry OP.

Of course you will be strong enough. You children will help you focus on this as you will want to keep things as normal as possible under the circumstances.

I know you have been together a long time you are still relatively young and can lead a new life.

DustyLee123 · 06/04/2025 21:49

I wouldn’t be going on the holiday, he can take the kids and give you a break.
And ask him to move out, you need to start your new life.

HolyStyleFailBatman · 06/04/2025 21:56

Don’t go on the holiday and give yourself the time to get your head straight. You will be strong enough, but it’ll be hard for a while. Edited because I asked a question that you answered in your op. Sorry

BIWI · 06/04/2025 21:57

I would strongly suspect that there is another woman. I’m very sorry @Clelja Flowers

Sunholidays · 06/04/2025 21:58

I’m sending strength OP. Things will get better 💐💐💐

NautilusLionfish · 06/04/2025 22:04

Sending you hugs and strength.
For a whole it will be tough then it will get better and you will feel stronger than ever. As others have said, ask to opt out of the holiday to get time to sort your head and occasionally cry. Remember this :

There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?
Erin Hanson

owlyboo · 06/04/2025 22:10

So sorry you’re going through this @Cleljai had pretty much your exact story even down to the kids ages 2 and half year ago.

im out the other side and you will get through it. The emotions get better over time. Day by day.

I really wouldn’t go on that holiday. I don’t think it will help how you feel at all.

Flowers
Original poster
Clelja · 07/04/2025 10:58

@owlyboo how did you get through it?
The complication with the holiday is that his parents have paid for the whole trip as a once in a lifetime type thing. They have done a lot for me/us over the years. Ideally I would like to go and actually enjoy it, but I am not sure I will be able to.

OP posts:
owlyboo · 07/04/2025 19:36

@Cleljasorry by get through it I meant the separation not through it together.

I got through it by just by taking it day by day.

im sure if you go you can put on a brave face do his parents know what’s going on?

Rafting2022 · 07/04/2025 19:40

I know it’s easier said than done but I’d start calling the shots instead of sitting round waiting for him to decide what he does and doesn’t want. Force his hand and tell him to move out, get legal advice to know your rights for the future and tell his parents what’s going on. He’s just dragging out the torture (waiting for the OW to leave her husband?) which is just cruel.

owlyboo · 07/04/2025 19:43

I have to agree with @Rafting2022when my exH said he didn’t want to be together anymore I discussed it for that evening. Then when I woke up the next day I never asked again to try again etc etc as once someone has said that I don’t think there’s much come back. Not if they’ve said it and you know they mean it.

and I had hate to tar all men with the same brush but my exH become very distant and wasn’t ‘trying’ the last few months of our relationship and when he ended things I thought I bet there’s OW as he wouldn’t want to be alone. Lo and behold he was with someone suspiciously quickly (he denies an affair but I could deny the sky is blue doesn’t mean I’m telling the truth!)

Wontgiveup18 · 07/04/2025 20:52

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I went through exactly the same 2.5 years ago. It was awful.

the best thing that happened was finally ending it and having to properly process it and come out the other side… and you will. It’s also better for the kids.

caringcarer · 07/04/2025 21:09

I'd ask him to take kids on holiday without me. I'd spend the time getting ducks in a row. Get photocopies of all his pension and bank statements including savings accounts. Transfer half of any savings I to an account in just your name and go to see a solicitor. It feels better once to take control.

ForFunGoose · 07/04/2025 21:13

I wouldn’t go on the holiday OP
Take the time to get some advice on next steps.

soarklyknobs · 07/04/2025 21:14

I agree with PP. Don’t go on the holiday, let him go alone with the kids and give yourself some time to work out a way to move forward.

He has clearly checked out from the marriage, there’s possibly an OW in the background somewhere. No matter how good the holiday feels, you’ll always be second guessing what he’s really thinking/feeling (remember the photos of Brad Pitt snuggled up to Jen on the beach, just before he dumped her for Angelina? Picture perfect photos on holiday do not mean the marriage is solid).

He needs to understand that by leaving the marriage he needs to parent his kids alone and the holiday can be the start of that. You can take some time to speak to a solicitor, go over your financials, pensions etc and work out where you stand if you split.

Original poster
Clelja · 08/04/2025 09:01

@owlyboo yes they know what is going on although they don’t know that he isn’t really trying.

I hate going to bed because I know I have to wake up and face it all again.

OP posts:
owlyboo · 08/04/2025 09:25

@Cleljai completely get that. When you wake up and the realisation washes over you again. As previous posters have said finalising more of a decision of what you’re doing going forward will help you to be able to start moving forward and dealing with the emotions and eventually healing. At the moment you’re in limbo which is worse.

Sicario · 08/04/2025 09:36

Don't go on the holiday.

Let him go and take the kids which will give you some space to think.

It will also give him a taste of what it will be like to have his kids without you around. (Albeit with his parents there to help.)

You absolutely must prepare for whatever is to come. That includes getting all the information and paperwork together in the event of a divorce. Financial paperwork, pensions, assets, debts, the full picture. Seek legal advice so that you know where you will stand.

Seek counselling if you think that will help you to gather your thoughts.

Remember that marriage breakdowns happen all the time - you are not alone.

Self-care is essential. Look after yourself. Treat yourself with kindness. Do whatever you need to do in order to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

BIWI · 08/04/2025 10:09

Another one saying ‘don’t go’. No matter how well you might get on with his parents, they are his parents, and most likely to side with him, eventually.

Let him go, with the children, and you have a lovely, peaceful time at home. Or go away somewhere yourself.

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 08/04/2025 10:17

I really agree with pp that you shouldn't go on the holiday. It will be really empowering for you and help your self- esteem (which sounds like it's been destroyed by him) to stop colluding with the idea that things are OK now for the sake of his parents and this holiday. When you know they aren't and it's entirely because of him, and he's gearing up to dump you after the holiday. As others have said, don't be the passive victim here, you be the one to end it now- start getting your ducks in a row financially and let him take the kids alone. You don't have to be strong OP, just take it one day at a time. It's absolutely awful but you'll feel such a weight lifted when it's all over. Being with someone who doesn't show love and is checked out has a really pernicious effect on our sense of self and you've been living this way for years now. You'll have such peace of mind in a few years when the divorce is in the rearview mirror and you've taken your life back from this man. You're still young and could easily meet someone else.

Original poster
Clelja · 08/04/2025 11:12

I needed to hear that - thank you

OP posts:
Cheryllou · 08/04/2025 11:56

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it really is the pits. Chuffing men... With the holiday, if it makes you feel better to be with your children then go. But maybe talk more with your husband about expectations when you get back, like maybe try counselling? That shows commitment at least and even if he only tries one time, you then have a counsellor you can talk to afterwards. Marriages can and do come back from this but it takes hard work. I really don't understand why so many men seem to check out and only then say they're unhappy when it's too late. As for you, I know you don't want to but try and eat to feed your brain - you really will feel worse with no energy. See the doctor for sleeping tablets to help and maybe anti depressants if you are really struggling. How do I know, I'm going through exactly the same. It's awful but every day does get a tiny bit easier. I don't feel strong enough to go through the financials just yet, but I've seen a solicitor which has put my mind at rest a bit so recommend that. Baby steps, one minute at a time. I know your world has tilted off its axis and it's really rough but you'll meet someone else if that's what you want. Rosie Green's book How to Heal a Broken Heart was quite good.

Original poster
Clelja · 08/04/2025 14:07

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this too. I have a doctor’s appointment with the mental health team tomorrow so I will see what comes of that. He said straight away that he does not want to see a counsellor or therapist. With the holiday, my children will be so upset if I was not there and I feel like they would know something was wrong. I want them to enjoy themselves too. My main concern is the impact all this will have on my 2 children. Just thinking about it makes tears stream to my eyes.

I really do appreciate all the advice on here.

OP posts:
Sicario · 08/04/2025 14:19

Of course your children are your number one priority, but don't let that cloud your judgment about what is best to do right now given the circumstances.

Will the children really be so upset if you're not there? Surely if they're with their dad and grandparents it will be fine. Bear in mind that it your marriage breaks up they'll be spending time with their dad away from you anyway.

It can be presented to them as a special holiday with their Dad and grandparents so that you can spend some time (make up any excuse - taking an art course you've always wanted to do or some such story).

Both you and your husband have to be the grown-ups here. That means swallowing your tears and putting on a smile for your kids, and taking every appropriate action to protect your position in the face of a divorce.

This is a really shit time for you and you'll need to channel your inner warrior woman.

LadyLapsang · 08/04/2025 23:42

I would let him take the children away and stay home, or have a break on your own. I think he is being really cruel. First he tells you he wants to split up, then he wants to try again but doesn’t make any effort, then wants to play happy families on an extended family holiday, then won’t go for couples counselling. I think you need to take back some power. I hate to say it, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he is thinking of another relationship but wants to avoid looking like the bad guy, hence saying he will try again and go on holiday, but not be prepared to have some honest conversations in counselling.

I am married, but where parents put their children first they can thrive and have good relationships with both their parents post divorce and you are definitely young enough to grieve your relationship and then build a new life. Try to get some counselling for you and treat yourself kindly - as kindly as you would treat your best friend. And get some good legal advice, even if you never actually need to use it.