Husband wants to separate

[Clelja]

Hi - I am new to posting here. I am really struggling and looking for advice please.

I have just turned 40. I have been married since 2012 but have been with my husband since I was 18 years old. We have two kids ages 8 and 11. Overall we have had a good relationship, however had the odd argument over the years mainly around me feeling as though my husband didn’t help out enough or about him not spending enough time with us.

In July 2022 we moved to our ‘forever home’ and since then we seem to have slowly drifted apart. I knew it was happening but never really thought we would ever split. Since Christmas he has seemed so cold and distant and I finally spoke up end of Feb. He basically said that we lead separate lives and thinks we should separate.

I am devastated. I have given my life to him and have only ever wanted him to show up for us. We told our families we were splitting and all were upset/shocked. After a couple of days we agree to give things another go to know we have tried everything. It started well but he soon became withdrawn again.

Since this all happened, I haven’t been able to sleep, eat properly or do anything but show up to work. When people talk to me I am here in person but not in mind. I feel empty, constantly on the verge of tears and have a constant chest pain. I am struggling to show up for my kids. I feel paralysed.

The current situation is that we are ‘still trying’ but he really isn’t. It is like I don’t recognise him. To make things more complex we are going on a family holiday with his parents next week. He said this isn’t the reason he agreed to try again but deep down I think it is. I am so worried about the impact on my children. If we do separate, will I be strong enough?

Any advice welcome.

Sorry to hear this. However, I don't think your DH sounds like a nice person and most people would say that you are actually better off without him. I feel your anxiety is mostly because this has been your only real relationship as an adult, and there is a fear of the unknown. Plus, of course, there is understandable concern as to the impact on the children. That said, the impact of living with an emotionally distant father isn't much better.

You now have the time and space to find someone better. Don't pander to him. Let him go.

If this holiday is a once in a lifetime affair, go and enjoy. You have done nothing wrong and I don't think you should miss out on these memories with your children. Perhaps your husband can get a separate room. He's the one that wants distance so let him arrange that whilst you focus on your children.

Plus, from a slightly unpleasant cynical perspective, it's not a bad idea to keep your relationship with the in laws intact for the sake of your children.
Unfortunately I fear your DH is laying the groundwork for a new relationship which may produce more children. You need to ensure that your children aren't forgotten or diluted financially when the in laws are allocating resources in the future.

Thank you for your reply. I think everything you have said it spot on.

He has been my only real relationship. I think if we didn’t have the children, I would be finding it easier to walk away.

Hello, I wanted to reply to you as I am going through so similar to your situation. My husband first wanted to separate last May and I begged, pleaded to work on our marriage. I had been with him for 20 years, married 8. He finally left me last July. Didn’t really pick up on him being that unhappy. But there was someone else he was trying to persue. Fast forward 9 months, his relationship has gone wrong and I have actually found a lovely man I have been seeing for a couple of months. I still have days where I am completely upside down and emotional as the divorce gets closer but I have the best support from my new partner. I personally wouldn’t go on the holiday and use this time to grab control. It’s a rough ride but with the help of forums like this, friends and family it does get easier bit by bit.

Been there and come out the other side! You have to basically grieve because the life you were expecting is over but you then rebuild and in my case I’m 6 years on, remarried and life is great

Hi everyone, I did go on the holiday purely to enjoy the experience with my children. It was hard. Unless I spoke to him, my H didn’t really speak to me. It was our son’s 8th birthday yesterday. Once the kids were in bed last night we discussed the holiday, he was adamant he spoke with me, but in reality I was an outsider. I want to tell the kids in May half term and have him leave the family home as it is too difficult with him here. It is making me ill. He said last night he can’t afford to do that and we will have to put the house on the market and sell it. I just can’t face breaking the news to our kids with so much uncertainty about what the future looks like for them. Originally my H agreed to 70/30 split but now he is saying 60/40. He spends less that 30% of his time with them now.

You can’t make him leave even though it’s hard

and paying to rent elsewhere and keep 2 households going is usually financially challenging if not impossible for most couples separating

You need legal advice, assessment of all assets to determine a financial settlement outcome. He can offer anything but that May or not be a fair outcome. He doesn’t unilaterally get to decide.

do you have a good view of assets and incomes?
the house may have to be sold if you can’t buy him out /pay for it all yourself but it will depend on earnings and assets.

seek legal advice

He sounds like an absolute beller. Don’t worry OP, it will be hard for a while but you’ll be better off in the end. It will just be a new house and new bloke soon most likely.

@Cleljayou need get an end goal. I agree with a pp unfortunately you can’t make him leave so… you need to look at the finances and decide what you’ll be able to do. If it means selling the house and that’s the realistic way for you to spilt assets (as in one of you can’t buy out the other) then I would get the house on the market as quickly as possible.

I know it’s easier said than done but a house is just a that a house. You’ll create new memories with your children in a new home (free of what sounds like a bellend of a man!!) I’m in a much smaller house than I shared with my ex husband but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Freedom and being treated with respect is worth more than anything!

So sorry you’re going through this. As I said previously I had to do the same 2 and a half years ago and it was horrible.

Thank you @owlyboo . He have been working through the finances and if we sell the house I can afford another. It will definitely be a lot smaller, but I don’t care about that. I have good days and bad days. I was feeling stronger today until he brought home a written agreement about custody schedules and finances. Seeing the word ‘divorce’ in black and white felt like a punch to the chest and made me want him to change his mind. Hate it that I thought that.

If your like a recommendation for a really good marriage therapist who helped DH and I reestablish connect send me a private message.
Sometimes men behave like this when they are depressed. Is this possible?
im sorry I have just properly read the thread. My advice isn’t helpful at all.

So sorry OP, he definitely sounds as if it's done deal.
It must be so hard living with him under all this stress, I really feel for you xx

@Cleljaobviously only you know your own situation so absolutely as @Candlesandmatcheshas suggested if you think he could be depressed/there’s something to work on then go for it.

but I also don’t think moments of regret/mourning means it’s the wrong decision. I realised these feeling were me mourning something I never actually had. The marriage/man/life I deserved not the one I actually had.

have you managed to find clear separate areas to sleep/live so you’re not having to spend to much time together? As obviously that’ll make things much worse and harder to find those boundaries.

Please DO NOT agree to anything financial/custody wise without the advice of a solicitor.

He is not your friend and he will potentially try and screw you over money-wise.

Make sure you have the details of all his pensions, savings, shares, investments etc.

You only get one real shot at dividing up the assets during divorce, so you don’t want to agree to something believing he has X, then later find out he has X+£££

Seek legal help sooner rather than later and take care of yourself.