Husband wants all the equity

[macaroniplease]

I would love to see if anyone could offer me some wisdom or advice because my divorce process is really trying.

We are trying to be amicable about the financial split and are currently both living in the house that we jointly own (via mortgage).

It is likely that we have around £300k in equity in the house.

Husband has stayed at home since the kids were born (so ten years) and I have been working in a job that supports all the mortgage, bills, household expenses etc.

Husband has done a bit of part time work recently but nothing that would make a significant contribution to the cost of running the house.

We would both like to find three bedroom houses (to accommodate the kids when we have them) and I would be able to port the mortgage for mine.

His position in a financial agreement is that he needs almost all of the equity in order to buy a house. He would only be able to get a very small mortgage and therefore he would want £250k - £300k to be able to buy a new property.

We live in an expensive area in the SE and we are agreed that we would like to keep the kids in their current schools. To be fair to DH, houses in our village start at around £300k for a three bed.

I find it very difficult to accept that this is fair to me as I’m just left with a debt in this scenario.

How are your pensions?

Of course it’s not fair. Your ex needs to step up and get a full time job, so he can afford to pay a mortgage.

I have about £90k and he has about £20k in private pensions.

And yet if this were a SAHM and a working father everyone would argue that her contribution has been to raise the children and ave on childcare costs and so her earning potential is significantly less than it would have been.

He will need to work full time but it's fair to ask for more equity (depending on pensions and other assets).

I was just about to post this!

Surely though the children can stay living in the area for school but he doesn’t need to ? He could move somewhere cheaper if you’re going to be having the children live with you most of the time .
I would definitely be getting legal advice coz this doesn’t seem fair .

Was his Sahp/ part time agreed to help with raising children … if so maybe a bit more equity but not all!!!

Maybe you both need better expectations - do you both really need 3 beds if the kids aren’t there full time .

Well that’s not what people say when it’s been a woman SAHM, is it?

He stayed at home and raised the children, you earned the money, 50/50 split of raising a family doesn’t matter if the man worked or the woman it’s 50/50.

if it was the woman at home and he worked he would expect 50/50 split so why would this be different.

i assume the children will spend 50/50 at each parents house ? How old are they ?

assuming they are at school and they will spit time between parents I would say it’s only fair to split 50/50 on everything the house and savings. He needs to return to work full time (I would say this to the mum too I’m not being against men)

A 50/50 split would be fairest. You worked to provide the money, he stayed home to raise the children to allow you to continue to work. Now the kids are in school he needs to find full time employment so he can afford to house the children.

You need a proper pension forecast op. You may find that yours is worth much more. Pension value isn't necessarily matched pound for pound against house equity.

He should look for full time work. He will be expected to maximize his income - if his career has taken a hit due to him being a sahp you should expect him to receive a greater % of the assets to balance this out.

How old are you both

how old are the kids

Why would she have the children when he has been and is the stay at home parent? I can’t imagine a scenario where someone would tell a sahm she “doesnt need” to live in the same area as the children’s school and could live further away in a cheaper house on her own and the kids would just stay with the FT working dad because he can afford the area more.

I think it’s exactly what someone would say if the woman was a SAHP. I’ve seen on MN countless times, advice for a woman SAHP to get a full time job

The max is usually a 70/30 split as you need to ensure both can be housed.

Pensions need looking at and proper amounts found and he needs to get a job

It would be odd for the children not to live with their primary carer.

As he is the primary carer and he has sacrificied his earning potential to both save the family money and to enable your career, he would usually be entitled to a larger split upon divorce, usually where possible the primary carer would also buy the other out if possible to enable the children to remain in the family home. 50/50 really isn’t fair at all for a stay at home parent.

I don't see the logic of him being mortgage free while capable of working full time while you still have a mortgage.

I am 46 and he is 49. Two daughters of 14 and 9.

ALL the equity is batshit, whatever the sex of the parties.

50/50 is batshit given the sahp has sacrificed earning potential, regardless of sex.

70/30 of both pensions and equity would be about right with a clean break.

what is your salary op and his potential? If yours is massive, SM or more equity may be fair.

given the ages of your children, a full time job would be expected of him in the next few years. Your eldest is already old enough, when the 9 year old is in secondary, a full time job would be expected.

hiw did you reach the decision if a sahp to a teenager and a 9 yr old - it’s a luxurious position.

I do earn well - current contract is £95k - but that is only guaranteed until Christmas. I know that the assumption is that I will earn comparably into the future (even if it doesn’t feel like that to me.)

He was working when we met in a job that paid £35k/£40k.

You might both want to buy 3-bed houses in that location, but the bottom line is that most couples who share one property can't afford to split up and get two properties of the same size in the same place. It just doesn't stack up. Unless people are loaded, they're already at their limit funding one family home. Clearly you do the 50/50 split or as close to it as seems reasonable in negotiations and then if he can't afford to buy a house then he rents. Like many, many people do. A split of the equity will cover his rent for plenty of time while he upskills/works more so he can keep funding his rent or buy a smaller place/move elsewhere when the DC are older.

Why would she have the kids more when she works full time and the kids are used to being collected from school by dad?

You’ve got 2 girls, so why can’t he buy a two bed house? Presumably, even with a 3 bed, it’s likely to include a small bedroom or boxroom? Will he have the box room?

In a two bed, he can always sleep on the sofa when they’re staying at his, if he wants them to have a room each? It’s only for about 4 yrs so not that long.

When I did my divorce a few years ago, my youngest was also 9. We approached a mediator to ask what was fair, and because of her age, were told it wasn’t about ‘fair’, it was about ‘needs’. Exactly as the op said. How much did one of us need to give the other so that we could both house the children.