Navigating the days after leaving - is this normal?

[herethereandeverywhatnow]

this is going to be long but I’m trying to provide background. But the TL/DR version is:
I was 1000% sure that leaving partner of 13 yrs (2 DC together) was the right thing due to EA and we left in secret a few days ago, but I’m now feeling awful and he’s trying to convince me everything can be fixed. Wtf do I do?

And here is the more detailed story-
I moved out of the family home this week while my partner was away. I’d been planning it for a long time and felt it was the only way to do it, as over the last 5-6 years (we’ve been together 13) his behaviour has deteriorated and I’ve been suffering emotional abuse,
escalating in the last few years (and really bad the last 6 months). He had no idea it was coming and was absolutely blindsided, and has now disclosed that he’s been suffering tremendous anxiety around a work issue, which explains the escalation, but doesn’t explain away the last few years. But much of it has been triggered by money worries and is having overextended ourselves after our youngest was born and we bought a property together.
anyway, after I told him I had left he called, incredibly distressed, and we talked for an hour and a half and he told me exactly how he’s been feeling, and lots of things he never told me. He begged me not to do this, told me he’d do anything he can to fix it, will go to counselling together or separately (I thought hell would freeze over before this happened), and he wanted me to write a list as to what I need to fix things. He said I’m right about everything, be knew it was all wrong but didn’t know how to fix it.
Today he got in touch asking to see the children so that we could tell them together what’s going on… but I’d already told them myself. I told him this which triggered another long phone call, and we agreed to meet all together in the park today. We sat the 2 children down and the 8 yr old took it in and asked lots of questions. The 5yr old wouldn’t sit or listen but both were clearly happy to see their dad. We ended up spending several hours together - the children playing and us talking on and off, some inconsequential things and at times big stuff.. For so long we have been unable to have a conversation, and now we’ve talked more in 2 days than we have for years. He told me yesterday if this was a wake-up call then it’s worked.
I’m just feeling so confused. I’ve spent years dying to leave him. I don’t love him anymore, don’t think I have for years, and I’ve signed a lease and paid 6 months rent upfront 🙈 But we’re in a crappy flat, there are bags and boxes everywhere and it’s costing a fortune despite being shabby and small (London…) and I’m hurting so much for what I’ve done to him.
I have gone from feeling no doubt to feeling all the doubts. So if anyone read this far can I ask - is this normal??

Nope. Isn’t it miraculous that he has had this enlightenment? Presumably at some point in the previous decade you pointed out he was being a useless emotional dickhead, so I’m not buying the “blindsided” tale.

You’ve done the hardest bit. You’ve got out. Now stay out.

If you've signed a lease and paid for six months, then it would make sense to use that as breathing space. That could be both to reassess your relationship or to test out life on your own. Don't rush back into anything. You haven't rushed out of it.

It's just more of the same - as soon as you go back give it 2 weeks and it'll be as if you've never left.

It's all about control - his controlling you. He's had years to deal with it, he didn't.

Just excuses . . .

Don’t fall for it OP. He’s trying to hoover you back in. You had good reason to leave, remind yourself exactly why you did. Nothing has changed.

I think it depends in what way has he been abusive? how has that manifested itself

Thank you so much for the replies, I know it seems blindingly obvious that my decision was the right one (and believe me I’ve been reading other people write this stuff for the last year and would always have said the same!!) but my head is absolutely fried. I’m just worried that because I actually went from thinking “I know I’ll leave one day” to starting flat hunting and moving in the space of 6 weeks it feels like I might have just gone temporarily insane. I know in my heart that’s not the case, but I do feel like I’ve been losing the plot!!
@millymollymoomoo he was verbally abusive, controlling, gaslighting, all that jazz.
the reason I left when he was away was that I feared his angry reaction. Instead he is desolate and sad and this has knocked me sideways as it’s so unexpected. I’m just wondering how long this fear that I’ve done the wrong thing will go on for… of course it’s in his interests to make me feel like this.
What’s so weird is that I have felt completely powerless for so long, and now I hold all the power in a way. But as soon as he starts asking me “why have you done this?” I think I’m slipping back into the pattern of not trusting my own judgement.. it’s just so so hard.
@PullTheBricksDown I have thought this too (that the 6 months gives me breathing space). Though he doesn’t know about the contract yet, I initially told him I’d found somewhere temporary, but then he came home from his trip and the penny dropped that I had completely moved all of my stuff out, so I think he’s getting the picture, but still doesn’t know the details of where I have moved to.

You have 6 months of security in your new place.

See if he can keep up the nice guy act for 6 full months - it's very likely he won't. Abusive men don't become abusive overnight (because you'd run) and not do they become non abusive overnight

He's reading from the script so far

See what happens when you stick to your guns - then you'll see his true colours

“why have you done this?”

He's already playing games.

He knows why you've done this. He's only asking to make you doubt yourself.

often we miss what is right in front of us. Sometimes a wake up call is what is needed. A bit like eating crap, having a heart attack and then living a wholesome life.

it doesn’t always work. But it may. What have you got to lose by trying

You don't love him.
Don't go back.
Stay strong.
In a year you'll look back and be glad you stuck to your decision, for you and your kids.

Thank you so much for the encouragement, the people who know me are all also saying the same (except my mum 🙈 but she hasn’t known anything that was going on until I told her it all a few weeks ago). I’m keen to get some support from counselling etc but I am sure with the right support I can make it clearer in my own mind (again, as it was up to point I left) that I’ve done the right thing, hard as it is right now.

Don’t go back. Your and your kids will be much happier without him, no matter what he says. You did the right thing removing your kids from that situation. Don’t make them live like that again.

Leopards don't change their spots

Use the 6 months, if you still have doubts after then then you’ve given it a good trial separation but definitely don’t go back before the 6 months. Nothing has changed yet

How will he control you if you leave? His no 1 priority is to get you back so you can be controlled again. So he will do anything and say anything to make that happen.

He doesn’t care about you or want to make it better. If he did he would have said anything of this years ago. He just fears not being able to control you anymore.

you’re so brave, you’ve done it! You’ve left. I’m sorry your flat is crap and expensive but your freedom, self worth and and self confidence is priceless.

@herethereandeverywhatnow to answer your original question about what you do now…

you focus on you and the kids, making your home nice, setting them up in nice rooms, making a nice meal.

You STOP the long long telephone conversations…these will not solve anything. You are allowed to say ‘I need time to think’ and if he really cares about you he will respect this boundary (I can bet he won’t!).

You need time to heal, the doubt that is creeping in shows what damage he’s done to you via slow burn trauma.

A trip to B&M to get some nice home nick nacks…make this home yours!!!

This is typical behaviour of an abuser. Promising the earth, promising to change. It's all designed to coax you back into your box, back into his control.

Keep your distance. Remember why you left. You don't owe him an explanation.

It takes a long time to rebuild after an abusive relationship. They leave you reeling and doubting yourself because you've been navigating their complex behaviours for so long.

You now have control. Don't give it away again.

Well done on taking the huge first step of leaving.

Thank you so much for all of the replies this morning, we are now just over a week into the separation and while my wobble of the first two days has subsided it’s still really confusing. I don’t mean that I’m intending to go back now, I know that would be crazy, but I just don’t know how to handle it. He was desperate to meet for a big talk so we did that yesterday. We didn’t really get anywhere as I feel like I can’t say what i really feel, as at the moment he’s being nice to everyone and I don’t want that to turn to anger. But he’s telling me he still loves me and I can’t find it in myself to tell him that while I care about him, I haven’t been in love with him for probably years, how could anyone love a person who caused them
so much pain? But my fear is that if I tell him this now (and that I’ve no intention of going back and living my life with a man who never let me decide anything) then will he turn angry and we won’t be able to have a sensible discussion about what has to happen?
we haven’t talked about money yet, or really decided on arrangements with the children. The house will need to be sold but I know this is going to be a massive issue as it means losing the very low fixed rate (which has 1.5 years left to run) but that’s not really avoidable. Yesterday he suggested if access is 50/50 that it should be arranged as one week with each of us which sounds like a terrible idea to me!! And he’s not asked if I’m doing ok for money (which I’m absolutely not, I’ve used all my savings to move and scraping by until the end of this month).

I suppose my other big worry is - how free of him can I really be when we have young children together? He brought up our differences in “educational standards” yesterday saying he believed this was a major flashpoint for us. By which he means he thinks that yelling at the children non-stop, smacking them when they don’t comply and imposing a rigid structure (that he personally isn’t there to implement but expects me to) is all ok, whereas I don’t. Even living apart he is going to insist on certain things… how will i ever escape that feeling that I have to hide from him how I’m really raising the children to avoid his anger?

Well done in escaping. You know, you don't have to meet up with him at all. He's still controlling you. Everything he says and does now is still an attempt to get you back. Make no decisions with him at all. "I'll have to think about that" should be your mantra. Of course he's distressed. He's lost his whipping boy. You are not his saviour. His list, work stresses and promises are empty. This man has been horrible to you and, it sounds like, horrible to your children. Take your time. Time is on your side, so don't rush into appeasing him. Be prepared for the desperate words to ramp up when he sees you aren't being swayed.

You don't need to tell him how you are bringing up the children when they are with you. It is none of his business. And 50/50 might be something to aspire to buy you don't have to agree to anything just yet. He's trying to blackmail you into returning.

You’ve done really well to leave him.

as time goes on you will become more and more emotionally free of him. You won’t always live your life worried about making him angry. Just think how free you will feel when that subsides!

you need to start making more choices to benefit yourself and the kids. Consider getting a new phone so you can only hear from him when you choose to deal with it. You don’t have to have long winded phone callls - you said yourself they’re getting nowhere.

what contact arrangements would you like to establish?

This is normal and very similar to what my xH did. He will be on best behaviour and trying everything to fix it. I did waver although for me it was more about wanting the horribleness of his distress to go away, rather than wanting to be with him.

The love had just gone, it had been chipped away at,

He was so distressed and so awful to me I did say I'd go to counselling together (similarly he'd always refused in the past). But I knew in my heart it wasn't what I wanted.

I had to tell him it was too late and I wanted to split, his tone changed then and the controlling behaviour massively stepped up. Then came the threats of killing himself.

You left for a reason and I'm sure didn't do it lightly, it helped me to have written down my reasons then I could refer to it when I was doubting myself.

Stay strong, talk to supportive friends

Ok. Take a deep breath.

Can I suggest that you really do need to keep your distance from him. He is muddying the waters and knows EXACTLY what he's doing. Playing Mr Nice Guy will soon stop when he realises you are not going to obey and do as you are told.

Do not have any further meetings with him. Do not subject yourself to any more "big talks" which is basically just him trying to impose his will on you.

If he wants to see the children, then you can make arrangements for him to do so. However, prepare yourself that he will be filling their heads with his version of events, so that he can "recruit" them to be on his side. This is designed so that they start to pressure you also to go back to the old regime.

Prepare for him to blame you for everything and for nothing to be his fault.

Ending a marriage to an abuser is always difficult and stressful as they will make it as hard as possible. Lots of women go through this so you are not alone.

Make an appointment to see a solicitor.

I hope you have already taken with you all important paperwork. Passports, birth certificates, marriage certificate, evidence of all finances. You will need this.

Now that you have moved out, check to see if you are entitled to any benefits. You are now effectively a single parent.

There will need to be a child arrangement order. You cannot effectively (and amicably) co-parent with a controlling man. He will want to impose his will, rather than being sensible about what is best for the children.

Talk to the solicitor about financial arrangements. They will be able to advise you.

Don't let him confuse you. You left for very good reason. This is just the first step on your path towards a better, brighter future for you and your children.