Navigating the days after leaving - is this normal?

[herethereandeverywhatnow]

this is going to be long but I’m trying to provide background. But the TL/DR version is:
I was 1000% sure that leaving partner of 13 yrs (2 DC together) was the right thing due to EA and we left in secret a few days ago, but I’m now feeling awful and he’s trying to convince me everything can be fixed. Wtf do I do?

And here is the more detailed story-
I moved out of the family home this week while my partner was away. I’d been planning it for a long time and felt it was the only way to do it, as over the last 5-6 years (we’ve been together 13) his behaviour has deteriorated and I’ve been suffering emotional abuse,
escalating in the last few years (and really bad the last 6 months). He had no idea it was coming and was absolutely blindsided, and has now disclosed that he’s been suffering tremendous anxiety around a work issue, which explains the escalation, but doesn’t explain away the last few years. But much of it has been triggered by money worries and is having overextended ourselves after our youngest was born and we bought a property together.
anyway, after I told him I had left he called, incredibly distressed, and we talked for an hour and a half and he told me exactly how he’s been feeling, and lots of things he never told me. He begged me not to do this, told me he’d do anything he can to fix it, will go to counselling together or separately (I thought hell would freeze over before this happened), and he wanted me to write a list as to what I need to fix things. He said I’m right about everything, be knew it was all wrong but didn’t know how to fix it.
Today he got in touch asking to see the children so that we could tell them together what’s going on… but I’d already told them myself. I told him this which triggered another long phone call, and we agreed to meet all together in the park today. We sat the 2 children down and the 8 yr old took it in and asked lots of questions. The 5yr old wouldn’t sit or listen but both were clearly happy to see their dad. We ended up spending several hours together - the children playing and us talking on and off, some inconsequential things and at times big stuff.. For so long we have been unable to have a conversation, and now we’ve talked more in 2 days than we have for years. He told me yesterday if this was a wake-up call then it’s worked.
I’m just feeling so confused. I’ve spent years dying to leave him. I don’t love him anymore, don’t think I have for years, and I’ve signed a lease and paid 6 months rent upfront 🙈 But we’re in a crappy flat, there are bags and boxes everywhere and it’s costing a fortune despite being shabby and small (London…) and I’m hurting so much for what I’ve done to him.
I have gone from feeling no doubt to feeling all the doubts. So if anyone read this far can I ask - is this normal??

He can’t insists on any sort of educational / punishment regime from you.

also remember this is his Mr Nice Guy act. When it sinks in he’s losing control of you he will probably try all other emotional tactics to reel you back in. That’s why you need to stay calm; be true to yourself and ride it out. You’ve done the biggest step but there are lots of small ones still to happen. Have you read the “why does he do that?” Book. ?

If you were scared of him around leaving don't go back, as it could be even more difficult another time as he would be prepared.

You have 6 months, as pp said, you don't have to stop talking but see how it goes. I guarantee you though he won't change, another manipulation tactic, they are all full of sorrow and sad - I felt so guilty for asking ex to leave, until the post separation abuse happened when he realised I wouldn't change my mind.

Keep strong OP.

Hold firm.

much good advice above.

my one addition is - recognise that you might not be able to avoid him getting angry and difficult, and plan ahead for it. In fact I’d say he’s definitely going to get angry and difficult when he realises that his current strategy of grief and promises isn’t working.

and when he gets angry and difficult that is when you grit your teeth, stick to your guns and weather the storm.

and do not under any circumstances let him in your flat.

Absolutely agree with @olderbutwiser . Forewarned is forearmed. Make plans, OP.

He is 'blindsided' that you left. He thought he could treat you how he liked. He forgot you had agency and a mind of your own. Dangerous.

You are doing great. But you are going to have to dig deep and be braver in terms of saying No to his face.

So when he talks about love you can say “You used my feelings of love to abuse me.” And then repeat back to him some of the stuff that he did e.g. if you love someone you don’t call them a fucking moron. If you love someone you don’t take their money,

In terms of the kids, you will have to just say No. one of the reasons for leaving is to get away from his expectations. He’ll never say out loud to anyone that his principle is he smacks his kids into compliance. So he has to be told that those days are over.

If you still feel the same way in a year and he does too, then there would be grounds for reconsidering. But not now. You have just got yourself and your children out of a toxic environment. Well done! You can't go back until you are certain it wouldn't happen again. Look at it this way. Imagine if you went back and you knew that meant you had to stay and you'd used your one chance to get away like this. Would you take that risk? Because if you go back, you are taking a similar kind of risk with your kids.

At the time I ended my marriage to an abusive man, I was a husk of my former self. I was so stressed I couldn't eat. It took a long time for the fog to clear.

Part of the confusion was that (a) I think I was still in denial about just how abusive he had been, and that I had been in a very dangerous situation and (b) I was unknowingly grieving for a marriage that I had really hoped would be a good one.

With hindsight, I now know that I was deeply traumatised and probably living on adrenalin. My children were still mere babies at the time.

Do not underestimate just how stressful this new situation is for you.

Do not hesitate to call the police at the first sign of any threats from him. (In my day, police were completely uninterested in domestic abuse and there was no such thing as marital rape.)

If you have friend you can talk to, then do so. Let everyone know what's going on. Abusers hide in plain sight and rely on your compliance to keep your mouth shut.

You are going to need lots of support to get through this.