Help me through this devastating time

[SlB09]

My husband of ten years, together almost 20yrs has said he's not happy. Mainly lack of intimacy and sees me as a 'best friend'. Basically wants to separate. The last few weeks have been hell tbh, emotionally I feel bereft. He seems to have a bit of an exit plan but my whole world feels like it's caving in, never ever to be the same again. Primary school age child who in devastated for.

I'm in the stage of how can I live alone, will I ever be happy, how will I cope to be so pissed off and angry that he'd do this to our lovely family.

Help me through this stage, it's such early days and I'm so worried about how I'm going to cope.

Anyone? My head's completely up my arse tonight

Cherche la femme. In general, men only leave when they feel the grass is green (& it’s only greener because they neglected their own grass)

Probably another woman. Be angry op. Find your anger and see solicitor. Focus.

It's easy to say but forget worrying about the child/children. They'll be ok. Kids just adapt because they know instinctively they have to. They're therefore almost better equipped than us adults. Just worry about looks after yourself.

It's a case of one day at a time.

The very likelihood is he's downplaying things. So there's someone else on the horizon already. I've never heard of a guy voluntarily pulling the plug without a replacement.

You have to try find space to cope with this whilst being really savvy / careful not to agree to anything like moving out or making yourself financially vulnerable. You're really vulnerable right now so keep your mind busy and divert from the shock by looking into the legalities/ see a solicitor. Keep the details to yourself.

Samaritans are great if you become desperate with pain and emotions. I've called them regarding horrible circumstances of my own.

He says there isn't and hasn't been anyone else and I do believe him. I have thought is there someone on the horizon though even if he hasn't 'been there's so to speak.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Unfortunately, these days, “there’s a lot of it about.”

I’ll bet my last pound, there’s someone lurking in the background. Might not surface straight away but I’d say it’s very likely. Be prepared.

I hope I’m wrong and don’t want to exacerbate your grief.

Time for big girl’s blouse!
Wrest back some control. Get legal advice, do all the things other posters will be telling you to do. Brace yourself and look after yourself.
Many of us have been there.

Thank you @Wishyouwerehere50 I really appreciate your advice

I've not known of any men to admit this, especially at this stage. Of course no one here can guarantee this. I'd tell yourself that you can't trust yourself too well when flooded with emotions and pain so it's harder to objectively assess what he's telling you.

I am not what I'd call a mug but I can't believe I believed there wasn't someone lined up. In hindsight it was obvious in my situation.

Say there isn't someone. The likelihood is, in some shape or form, there will be imminently.

I really wouldn't try negotiate this relationship back as he's further along than you'll ever realise. You can only protect your security, your safety and try hold onto a feeling of control and dignity through this. That's the aim. Dignity doesn't mean not crying or showing him your pain. It means try everything to think logically and not do anything to betray yourself. Protect yourself, you deserve absolute love, security and safety - make sure you get it. You have to go seek legal advice even though your heart desperately doesn't want to.

I don’t believe in this mantra of get angry. That’s not to say be a pushover but ultimately you have to do parent and your child will benefit from parents who can be civil at least.

it’s early days for you op. Just take it one day at a time while starting to piece financial information together

When you get time to yourself, how do you feel? Do you enjoy the peace? No one asking you questions? No extra messes... you're the boss, no one to compromise with. Just your wants and your wishes.

Imagine the lovely peace. That's my advice

You need to read The Script .

Hi!
I know it seems absolutely devastating at the moment but I promise you WILL be OK.

Like everyone else is saying, get yourself sorted financially and legally. Now is not the time to 'be kind' to him for old times sake. Be brutal and make sure you get absolutely EVERYTHING you're entitled to. He has checked out of the relationship and there is no point trying to convince him to stay. If he wanted to work on the relationship, he would have done everything he could to try and salvage what's left. You need to focus on damage control and protecting your future financially for you and your children. He might say now that he will see you right etc but once he's left, his narative will easily change. Make sure you get copies of all bank statements, his pension details, everything possible so that he cannot hide a thing in the divorce process. Remember, any joint accounts he can legally empty without your permission so don't leave yourself vulnerable.
I'm so sorry, it's shit, it really is but I was once told by a friend that I would look back on this in a years time and think it was the best thing that could ever happen to me and I she was right! You will do the same xx

Dh upended my world last year (we’re figuring out whether to stay together). I went on a bit of a finding myself mission. Went to my mum’s for a night (didn’t tell her why), on the drive I bawled and sang break up songs (Olivia Rodrigo, Delta Goodrem, Alannis Morisette), then did the things that used to make me feel alive, bought a magazine, went to department stores trying on clothes I couldn’t afford that made me look amazing, went to an art shop and just wandered about. Went for a beautiful walk.

Over the next few months I bawled in private, telling everyone about (the kids mainly) how crap my hayfever was. Cerave eye cream and Nars concealer were my friends.

I stopped myself from begging him for anything or showing weakness. We avoided each other, it was so sad and awful. BUT as I continued, and started staying up late watching rom coms as I bawled, I started enjoying life again but as me, not a mammy, not a wife. I started reading more and doing puzzles. I’m now able to think that I’ll possibly be happier on my own because here’s the point:

Nobody should ever be with someone who doesn’t think they’re so lucky to have them. I always thought I’d cling on to him but why would I?!

By the way even though that’s all about me, I hope you can get something from it x

@stayathomer yes I can thank you x

Thankoyu @Sheepsheeps I really really hope your right. At the moment it feels like I'm on the edge of loosing my whole life as I know it and very overwhelming.

Very overwhelming and likely in shock. Truth is, eventually, even though it’s too early to see this now, you will be happier either alone or with someone who does love you. It’s an end but even more importantly, a beginning. It’s OK to be devastated and grieve, you need to. But know you WILL get through

I'm in the same boat as you and it's awful.. sending you a handhold .. my kids are older though so easier from that point of view in that they look after themselves quite a bit. Haven't told them yet.

I'm trying to hold on to the positive - but it's really hard

Sending hugs OP. I’m in the process of divorcing, as I found out my husband was having an affair just under a year ago. No advice but just want to say you aren’t alone. The first part that you are currently experiencing is the worst, please hang in there 💐

The fact of the matter is, you're quite accurate in that you will be losing your current life as you know it but equally you will be starting a whole new, exciting chapter! Yes it will be terrifying at first but each day you will become stronger and navigate your way through it better.
You're in shock and probably wasn't expecting this sudden change. Your husband has checked out of the relationship for whatever reason and you cannot change that. Personally, I don't think it matters why tbh as the end result is still the same. Yes it will hurt like hell if you found out he was unfaithful but that just builds more resentment and unhappiness in your life if you let it. You need to focus on getting your new life together irrespective of why he chose to 'check out' if he truly loved you, he wouldn't be wanting to leave. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is barely 50% at best, invested in your feelings and happiness?? You deserve so much more. Life is short; make the most of it and be strong.
Live your best life with the freedom of being on your own (albeit with lively children) or eventually look for a new partner who will love you unconditionally for the wonderful woman that you are xx

Hi OP, in a similar place. People will always say there's someone else. There isn't in my situation so just focus on other things as that's one less thing to add to your worries.

I'm currently in limbo as nothing has been sorted but have gradually been accepting that its going to happen. I initially felt I couldn't cope alone but both you and I will as we have to for our dcs. Mine are older but they still need me.

You're probably still in shock. Try to focus on practical things. One thing mumsnet always says is "he's not your friend" any longer so be careful when he's esp nice/reasonable about different things.He will ultimately be looking out for himself and you may not recognise him as the man you thought you knew. Mine has been a bit like that at times.

It's really shit and I wish I could say something that would help you except for me it's got a tiny bit better after weeks of being in limbo. There's so many people on here going through the same. You're not alone and I've found some of the threads on here helpful.

Sorry that you are going through this. No doubt you are staring down what feels like a terrifying amount of unknowns for the future. The pain and anxiety feel so overwhelming. But please, please know, that you are so much stronger than you realise. There won’t only be existing on the other side, there will be LIGHT. But, until you get there, things will feel dark. You’ll learn so much about yourself, and once you are through the worst of this, the level of self respect you’ll gain will be so empowering.

I know it’ll feel unbearable now, but know you aren’t alone, and there are people here to squeeze your hand.

Please do take care of yourself. Baby steps. Live hour to hour if you need to. See a GP if it gets too much. Please, drink and eat, little and often, if you are struggling with meals. Do you have support around you?

Firstly, look after yourself, make sure you are eating and drinking well, you need to keep your strength up for your DC.

Get your ducks in a row. Without your H knowing, find all official papers, dealing with the house, bank, pensions etc and copy/photo them and give them to your family or friend for save keeping. Find a solicitor, without his knowledge, and make an appointment as soon as possible, they will be able to let you know what you and your DC can have a share of and at the same time change your will and your pension inheriter. It will help you know how to plan your future with your DC.

Sorry to say but there is someone else somewhere in the background, keep your eyes open for his phone and copy messages.

Try and keep it together, go to the hairdresser and spoil yourself.

@Wolbutter happy to message privately to support each other if you would like to xxx

Op I’m so sorry. This is an awful feeling. Brave for there to be someone new very soon. There’s always someone else.

@justfindingmyway my parents are and hour away, sister 15mins (doesn't know yet as on hols). Couple of good friends within 30mins around me who I've told but still feel very alone with it all and overwhelmed.

Thankoyu for your advice, I hope I do come out the other side as you say x