Help me through this devastating time

[SlB09]

My husband of ten years, together almost 20yrs has said he's not happy. Mainly lack of intimacy and sees me as a 'best friend'. Basically wants to separate. The last few weeks have been hell tbh, emotionally I feel bereft. He seems to have a bit of an exit plan but my whole world feels like it's caving in, never ever to be the same again. Primary school age child who in devastated for.

I'm in the stage of how can I live alone, will I ever be happy, how will I cope to be so pissed off and angry that he'd do this to our lovely family.

Help me through this stage, it's such early days and I'm so worried about how I'm going to cope.

@Itsaheadspinner feel free to pm me sounds like we could both do with abit of support x

Start pulling together a detailed parenting plan. Not just living arrangements - school holidays, all of your birthdays, Christmas etc. Minute detail.

How has/does everyone deal with the financial side of things, my husband earns a heck of a lot more than me, I've worked part time for a number of years due to health problems then children so I feel pretty scuppered financially. We do jointly own a home but I wouldn't want to sell it but also couldn't afford to take it on myself.

Find all the papers dealing with money, wages, housing, pensions, savings and bank accounts, without him knowing and find an agreeable, understanding (this is important) a solicitor as soon as you can. Do not say a word to him regarding money matters. He mustn’t be aware of your worries because he will play on you being anxious. Good luck

it sounds so cliche and trite, but itnis almost always true. You will be fine and will thrive in fact. it takes two to have intimacy and soon you will realize he probably wasn’t watering the garden as the previous poster noted. just make sure you recognize that you are no longer a team and he is pursuing his own interests. it is really hard to stop acting with care toward a partner but now is the time to protect yourself.

You will, you really will. There’ll be pain and it won’t be easy, but you will and things will be better. Please lean on your support, and if you struggle, don’t hesitate to drop a message if you need to talk to someone.

Thank you so much @justfindingmyway

Re financials - generally if you can’t afford to take on the mortgage and bills you’ll end up having to sell. That will depend on earnings, earnings potential, assets available etc but usually mesher orders are rare, even rarer if the party remaining not only needs Ed to remain on the mortgage but also pay something towards monthly costs. That typically doest happen.

meshers are often not right longer term for the remaining person as it just kicks the can down the road - eg selling when older, less mortgage options, house price appreciation etc etc

you need to gather information on equity/morthage/oensions/earnings etc to start to think about how a split could look. Start at 50:50 and work from there

Thank you @millymollymoomoo I know how much equity etc in the house as were actually due to remortgage so we're in the process anyway. My affordability is pants! Never heard of a mesher, there's alot I need advice on tbh so just seeking things out x

Following. I don’t even know where we are. I thought we were at the stage of looking at counselling or something but now think he’s probably not interested in that. Feel broken. We had a very difficult time when kids were young with serious accidents and bereavements and neither of us were in a good place mentally. But I thought we had been getting better, turns out he thinks not. I’m terrified I’m going to lose everything. I’ve done almost all the childcare (a source of many of the arguments) he wasn’t even interested when they were younger, even now he has a nwd where the kids still go to wrap around care while he does his own thing (I thought this would mean that he would spend more time with us at the weekend but it hasn’t), I just feel so confused that he’s unhappy because he doesn’t really want to be a parent whereas I love being a mum, I have a really strong bond with my kids, and I’ll end up spending half my time without them while the kids are at dads on a screen eating crap and he’s still doing his own thing. And then I am the high earner, about double his earnings. I basically pay for everything. But he then seemingly gets access to that too? He hasn’t supported my career, he hasn’t helped me, he’s never stepped up with the childcare so I can get more work done, but he has spent the money. I never minded him buying himself stuff. We were a team. Or I thought we were. It just seems so unfair that I have put everything into my kids and providing for my family while he has basically pissed about with his mates and now he gets half of everything I did without even trying counselling or anything. I know people often say that a separation is difficult but in time you begin to see it as a good thing but I project forward I just see I’m either in a shit house on my own because the kids like staying at dads because he feeds them crap and lets them watch as much telly as they want or I could stay in the nice house so kids might be closer to friends and more inclined to stay with me but then I’d have to increase my working hours because I’d have buy him out and he’ll be getting at least half of everything that he had no input on earning in the first place. I think I might be happier if I moved closer to my family because I could work from home. but that is several hours away and he wouldn’t let me take the kids. I know I need to see a solicitor but honestly I don’t even know when I can do that. It’s the school holidays so I will be either with the kids or working flat out (honestly I have a well paid job but it is an immense amount of work) not sure when I could schedule a call. I’m broken. Hardly slept in days, struggling to eat, struggling to concentrate, don’t know where to turn, have no family nearby just struggling to see a way through this. There doesn’t seem to be anyway that this would get better.

Thing is OP, is he right?

I know everyone on here is saying he’s in the wrong and he’s obviously met someone else etc, but you said in your OP that he’s not happy because there’s no longer any intimacy and you’ve become just friends?

How true is that?

Plenty of people post on here that there is no longer any intimacy in their relationships and they’re essentially just friends and they’re encouraged to either have a conversation or leave.

Just as it is ok for a woman to not accept a sexless relationship, so it’s ok for a man as well.

But you have to be honest, not necessarily on here but with yourself.

If he says there’s no intimacy how true is that?

@Never2many I totally get you but Im not looking for blame either way, just a handhold through a difficult time.

There has been a reduction of intimacy for various reasons over the last ten years including pregnancy/birth/cancer/health issues on both sides. So not just 'cant he arsed' reasons.

@Beaniebobbins I can hear the frustration/anger/desperation in your reply. I really am heartfully sorry your going through this as it's truly truly shit. I wish I could hug you in person but instead I send a virtual one.
Being away from family is the worst,I'm feeling that right now however I can visit and back in a day. You must be feeling really isolated and alone right now.

Alot of what you say literally could have come out of my mouth, especially around the housing situation. I'm looking at what's out there thinking fucking hell I'm going to have to live in a shit hole for what I can afford.

Feel free to pm me for mutual support zxx

I went through this too, was really tough and emotional as you are saying. Suffered depression and anxiety as a result. Its natural to worry about how you are going to cope so dont beat yourself up with this. This will slowly go as you adapt to your new situation.

Im ten years on now and managed to raise my daughter and we have a special relationship. going well at work. Try and prioritise yourself at the moment and whats best for your child. Remember to eat and very important to get good sleep but not easy i imagine at the moment. Look at your practicalities if you can but just take each day at a time. Make lists and journal your feelings if you are feeling overwhelmed, its important they get an out.

Ive got me and my life back and im happy, gave too much away before and was a real steep learning curve for me. What im saying ultimately is that things will get better, there is a new life awaiting and to hold onto this, but i really do know thats not how it is going to feel at moment. Keep posting on here for support.

Thank you @GeorgeA12 I really appreciate your reply x

How are you now OP?

Thanks for asking. Things have settled somewhat emotionally x