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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Getting divorced and found out I’m pregnant…

30 replies

SpoonyBiscuit · 30/03/2025 16:46

Hi all,
so this week my OH and I received acceptance of our divorce application and I found out I’m pregnant. I have no clue what to do; I’m 37, I have 2 kids 8 and 5, I just started a new job so the mat leave wouldn’t be great. Everything is screaming I shouldn’t have a baby but I can’t help feeling I shouldn’t just end it. OH isn’t keen on a 3rd as we’re divorcing (no big dramas, just drifted) so I don’t want to force him into something he doesn’t want. I feel like a turd for even considering not having this baby when others desperately want one and can’t, and this was a silly mistake which has resulted in a massive shock. Any advice or opinions would be gratefully received as I’m so torn. TIA

OP posts:
itbemay1 · 30/03/2025 16:49

In your situation I wouldn’t go ahead but only you know

Loopytiles · 30/03/2025 16:49

Suggest posting this in pregnancy choices and seeking advisory services.

In your situation I’d have a termination.

rubyslippers · 30/03/2025 16:49

I wouldn’t have a baby in these circs

HippeePrincess · 30/03/2025 16:52

I wouldn’t have a baby under those conditions either but then I’ve been a single parent to a newborn so I know what it entails.

Dartmoorcheffy · 30/03/2025 16:52

Well you're not that far drifted apart if you are still having sex. Would it not be worth trying to rebuild the relationship

DorothyStorm · 30/03/2025 16:58

Dartmoorcheffy · 30/03/2025 16:52

Well you're not that far drifted apart if you are still having sex. Would it not be worth trying to rebuild the relationship

I thought the same. Having young children is brutal and you can lose esch other. Me and my dh are always happy when we have had time together alone in a week.

mulchtheflowerbeds · 30/03/2025 17:01

I think you’ll struggle to evidence the marriage has broken down if you had recent consensual sex resulting in conception. I think you need your review the relationship. Sounds like you want the baby.

InSpainTheRain · 30/03/2025 17:06

Would you want a baby by yourself along with 2 DC to parent? Have you got funds to support yourself? Personally I wouldn't have it, I'd terminate.

CarrieOnComplaining · 30/03/2025 17:20

If you are set on the divorce and realistically will not be reconciling I would not go ahead with the pregnancy. A baby was unplanned , you didn’t actively want a baby, so don’t have one.

At a time you would need to give your 5 and 8 year old maximum support, security and a new form of stability , you would be having to give intense attention to a baby.

Finances will take a massive hit, childcare costs and juggling work as a single parent of a baby / small toddler / up into school age will be brutal. And maternity leave on SMP with 2 older kids to support?

But…you got pg with him. Counselling to see if you could rebuild? You’d need to be v quick though.

Doingmybestbut · 30/03/2025 17:35

OH isn’t keen on a 3rd as we’re divorcing

It sounds to me like at least one of you isn’t that keen on divorcing? I think it’s not a great situation to bring a child into at a time when you should be focusing on building a new life as a single mum.

DoYouReally · 30/03/2025 17:45

"I feel like a turd for even considering not having this baby when others desperately want one and can't"

I'm sorry but this isn't a good enough basis to make a decision. Other people's difficulties aren't your problem. You need to make the decision on what's best for you, your existing children and the potential child

I can't have children but am pro choice.

You are in a far from ideal position yes, but you will know in your gut what is the right decision for you. Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Hoppinggreen · 30/03/2025 17:49

Its a bit odd you are still having sex but anyway.
In your shoes I would probably terminate but its your decision. Don't base it on other people not being able to have children though.

Original poster
SpoonyBiscuit · 30/03/2025 17:50

Thanks all, OH is definitely more keen on divorce than I am as I thought we’d be able to fix things but we’re so disconnected now it feels impossible. We’ve slept together a few times as there’s history and it’s convenient but this was a big accident. I think reasonably I can’t go through with it, and I know that deep down. I just never expected to be in this position and to have to make this choice. Appreciate all the responses, thank you!

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 30/03/2025 17:55

Other people trying for a baby shouldn’t be a factor in your decision making whatsoever. You don’t have another child just because some other people can’t and it doesn’t make you a turd in any way so absolutely nix that line of thinking. I wouldn’t continue the pregnancy in your situation. I’d focus on getting yourself and your two children through the divorce, that and the new job is enough to be dealing with.

CarrieOnComplaining · 30/03/2025 19:21

OP, given him being keener on divorce than you do not be tempted to tell yourself that a baby might bring him back.

That would backfire badly.

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 30/03/2025 19:52

Have you intentionally or lack caution as you secretly hoped getting pregnant would keep him? If not I'd get an abortion and once your healed you will meet someone who actually wants you and gives you the warmth x

Roselilly36 · 30/03/2025 19:56

Circs are rubbish, but I would still have the baby tbh.

loveforautumn · 30/03/2025 20:54

Why are you even sleeping with him if he wants a divorce?! He's using you for that until he finds something new.
What a shitty situation to be in, I personally wouldn't go ahead with it but only you can decide what to do

Hoppinggreen · 30/03/2025 20:56

Roselilly36 · 30/03/2025 19:56

Circs are rubbish, but I would still have the baby tbh.

Its entirely OP's choice but I think her existing children are going through quite enough upheval for now.

millymollymoomoo · 31/03/2025 08:46

Sometimes you need to think with your head not your heart. Bringing another baby into this mess is not something personally that I’d do. But it is of course your decision. I would be thinking of my existing children first and foremost though

SpringIsSpringing25 · 31/03/2025 08:55

Well, he's going to find it difficult to explain the pregnancy to the OW who he's undoubtably told you don't have sex anymore & he's only staying to keep you sweet until the divorce is sorted (& you agree to a ridiculous settlement) isn't he)

having sex with him to try and keep him is a pretty daft move but what happened to the contraception?

TheHerboriste · 31/03/2025 09:04

You need to do what is best for your existing children, which is terminate. You cannot put them through the stress of a divorce and your pregnancy simultaneously.

If you are still sleeping together why are you divorcing? You can’t keep the home intact for the kids?

Cottesloe · 31/03/2025 09:05

No way would I have another on my own

QueenCremant · 31/03/2025 09:08

You need to talk it through properly with OH. Having a third will affect maintenance payments and will he want to have all 3 kids on his time? Will the other 2 go to him and you’ll have the baby? The baby will initially be too young to do 50/50 or whatever split you choose but how will your other kids feel knowing that the baby is with you all the time?

if you’re running 2 households can you afford 2 houses big enough for 3 kids?

There is so much to consider.

BeaAndBen · 31/03/2025 09:08

Think about the children you already have. Divorce is already stressful and disruptive for them and adding a newborn into the mix, which all the complicated feelings that brings?

I wouldn’t go ahead. My kids would already have enough on their plate.