Should I leave my Emotional/Verbally Abusive Partner

[Nats198415090]

Sorry this is a long one :(
I am 40 years old and have a 6 year old daughter with this "man", he is 42. We own a house together (with a mortgage) and I just don't feel like I can take it anymore.
He drinks, every day, but apparently is not an alcoholic. He comes home drunk on a Saturday/Sunday, either in front of our daughter or after shes gone to bed, and always wakes me up going on about how I don;t care about him and he does everything and I do nothing. I arrange EVERYTHING, school, dentist, doctors, clubs, take her to get shoes/clothes when she needs them, sort out world book day, Christmas, birthday parties - literally Everything!He drinks at home the other nights, 10 cans on a Friday and even drinks when he has our daughter if I do go anywhere.
He has been physically abusive previously, not recently though, it's all words. We both work full time but he "works his ass off" and I'm a lazy c**t because I don;t hoover every day and there are dishes washed up on the draining board not put away immediately. I am unable to go anywhere and stay overnight unless they come too as he wont bath or dress my daughter so my worry is if she was ill or wet herself in the night, how would he bath her? He wont feed the cat because she's not his cat (she was my daughters 6th birthday present), he wont even wash or iron her clothes or her food bowls/cups/cutlery, it's so weird!
I have said I want him to leave several times but I just get talked at about how everyone leaves him and I said I'd never break his heart again (we dated previously before this 12 year relationship) and I am doing what I said I never would. He turns up to children's parties and events drunk. I arranged to take my daughter to something yesterday, he walked in drunk, slurring while talking to other parents, I was mortified! He turned up at his nephews party after going to the pub with some cans. He says he was like it when I met him so shouldn't expect him to change. I have grown up and alcohol abuse is not or me. I have my daughter to think about now.
He accused me of cheating (when do I have the time?) and said I was probably sleeping with multiple people at work. He even accused me of sleeping with a recently ex-colleague who is terminally ill!!!! WTF! He then was about to tell my daughter that when we were together first off 20 years ago I had a termination and "killed" her sibling!
He told my daughter that Mummy is asking him to leave and that she will never see him again as if he goes, he is gone.and he will not pay any maintenance.
My parents are aware and have said they will do what it takes and take money out of pensions to give me to give him his share of equity and pay some money off the mortgage so I pass affordability checks on a solo application.
He just makes me feel so guilty as he says he loves me and doesn't want to lose his family. I have mentally checked out and want to do what's best for my daughter. But is it really best to stay in a relationship that I am so unhappy in just for her and him to be happy? She will surely understand when she's older that it was for the best, right?

She begs me to let him stay.

Under what circumstances is this happening? Are you telling your 6 year old that you want him to leave or are you arguing with him in front of her?

Either is really dysfunctional behaviour. You're perfectly aware that he's not going to change, so you've just given him permission to carry on abusing you both.

Your daughter shouldn't be in this position.

We were sat together on Sunday evening and he said Mummy wants me to leave and if I do you wont see me again. she then came over to me crying and begging me to let him stay. I in no way want to be talking about any of this in front of her but I think he does it to try to make me the bad guy and score points as I'm the one initiating a conversation between the two of us when she isn't there :(

@Nats198415090 that’s on him OP - quite pathetic too as there’s no reason he wouldn’t be seeing her - that would be a selfish choice he would be making- he would be out the door in my case if he said that, purely because he’s a manipulative arsehole using those threats

You can't keep putting your child through this. He's a nasty piece of work. He's upsetting your child to score cheap points.

A 6 year old doesn't understand dysfunction, alcoholism or abuse. She just wants her dad to stay. You do understand it and it's your job to protect her.

The National Domestic Abuse Helpline is open 24/7 or the Refuge webchat is open till ten. I wish you strength.

Would you be happy with your daughter being in this relationship? No. You would tell her to get out, immediately.
So you are teaching her right now that this treatment is acceptable. Put your daughter first and get out now. She will not like the change, she may love her dad, but she is 6 years old and doesn't get to make adult decisions. Him telling her these adult things is a type of abuse in itself. Then there's everything else you have said...

Tomorrow when he goes to work, go back to the house, call in sick. Pack your stuff, your important documents, memories, everything, and leave. Don't go back. Contact needs to be stopped. Can your parents let you both stay with them?

I would also suggest reporting all of this to social services, contact National Domestic Abuse helpline, they are supportive and give good advice.

Please leave. You deserve better. Your daughter deserves better.

You’re in a really fortunate position with support of your parents, don’t waste anymore time, get out, your daughter is de facto being abused as well as you, what a miserable life, in your position I would be packing up now and so grateful for support from family, he’s a textbook abuser, make the right choice

Yes

Had a conversation yesterday, he just went on and on about how he’ll change, how he wants one last chance etc! I said you would need to change all of this and listed everything. He agreed. Spoke to him this morning, said he can’t change everything and I need to change things too like my Mum being there and being untidy (not ironing mainly!). I just messaged my Mum and said I’m going to have a conversation with him face to face (the last one was via text) and say I am done. It’s affecting my mental health now and I just need it over. I said if he keeps on and on can I go to their house until he moves out, me, my daughter and the cat! My daughter cried at school yesterday over the fact that Mummy wants Daddy to leave and Daddy said if he leaves she wont see him again. Heartbroken for her, I just want to be happy but I'm making her upset at the same time!

OP please listen to us.

leaving him is your only option. For your sake and your daughters.

she is only 6 and has no idea what abuse is and what is happening.

you have to remove yourselves for her sake. One day she will understand and thank you from the bottom of her heart when she learns the reality of her father’s abusive behaviour.

you’ll be okay. Just fine. Please lean on your family and friends. Call women’s aid and the national domestic abuse hotline.

get a free consultation with a family and divorce lawyer and get your ducks in a row.

i know it’s daunting and so scary. But it is your only option. DONT THINK JUST DO. DONT THINK JUST SO AND KEEP GOING.

Him telling your daughter that he'd drop out of her life if you left him is absolutely despicable. It's outright emotional terrorism. Anyone who would say that to their own child solely to blackmail their partner is cruel beyond belief.

He is home tonight but works away on Thursday nights. Think I have to just ride it out tonight and then hopefully can get away or get him to leave. So I have just checked with Mum if I pack some stuff, can me, my daughter and the cat that they are happy for us to go there and she said yes. I just need strength I am not convinced that I have as I am so broken and deflated :(

Don’t think OP, just DO.

your heart will catch up.

you really need to do this asap for your daughters sake!

Would your mum or dad come to your house when your planning to leave so he can't manipulate you into stating again?

I promise it does get easier you just have to take this first step,just think OP how you'd feel if your DD ended up with a man like her Father,the longer you let this carry on the longer she's going to grow up thinking this is normal if you can't do this for yourself please do it for your daughter.

@Nats198415090 just to mention about my experience- I lived with someone for a few years who was an alcoholic, almost straight after my first marriage ended , so I think my judgement was way off! He wasn’t like this at first it crept in within about 5 months of me moving in- he seriously would prioritise booze over food- we were quite hard up at various points but yep booze was always prioritised- many of us on here have made bad decisions at various points and if I had parents who would have helped me out I would have got out far quicker than it took me- towards the end he was stealing off me regularly too . It made me much tougher but not an experience I would ever put up with again- please do accept the help and don’t look back. As others have said your daughter will only see things simplisticly at this age, in years to come she will understand your reasons and thank you

Yeah it's not so bad Monday-Thursday as he works the next day (usually 2-3 cans Mon and Wed as he works away Tues/Thurs and has none), but Fri-Sun are awful. He has in the past not turned up to stuff that he promised our daughter he would be at and said he was staying in the pub instead and she's really disappointed. But she forgets al those things I have a list of everything going back to 2019 that this man has said/done and I think if anyone read it they'd be shocked that I'm still there! He justifies it by saying he's not that bad, and I don't try, that he's lonely etc.Sorry but I absolutely don't want to be touched by a man that says and does the things he does. I quite often have to go into the spare room to sleep as I can;t stand the snoring after drinking. He always comes in and has a go at me about it saying I should sleep next to him regardless of if I can actually sleep or just lie there all night listening to him.
Honestly I think I could write a book on my experiences at this point :(
To be fair, his sister knows what he is like and she has even said to me to leave before.
It's just hard to make the leap, but reading everyone's comments and reading back through the crap that e has done/said makes me know it's the right thing to do.

@Nats198415090 yep - I ‘wasn’t allowed’ to use the spare room either - just out up with the snoring/farting post booze sessions. He was about a 4 cans a night person - but strong stuff- now I certainly like a glass or two of wine ( probably half to 3/4,of a bottle) but only do it Fridays and Saturdays or on holiday or an event.

when he says he isn’t so bad- he is probably comparing to others he knows - who are also alcoholics!!! The amount of blokes who drink to huge excess is shocking

You would be doing your daughter a massive disservice by staying with this wanker. Bollocks he’s sad - he’s full of shit.
find your strength and get out - you’re in a much better position to do this than most. He doesn’t deserve any more chances. How he doesn’t make your skin crawl is beyond me - you can do this OP x

What if you explain in an age appropriate way that daddy is not being kind to you, and has called you some terrible names, and is not healthy around some of his habits, which is not a safe way to be? If he recovers later maybe that would be different but for now it's not ok?

Yeah I get made to feel guilty if I don't sleep in the same room, even if it means no sleep for me, and I have to get up and take daughter somewhere or go to work and drive, very dangerous. I am the only one who drives and I don;t drink. I'm so put off by it and someone has to be sober if daughter needs anything in the night so I just don;t bother

Yeah I know I would, I am going to try to get things sorted tomorrow as he is away from 8am and not back until around 4pm Friday. He is full of shit, all the old things will creep back in like they always do, might not drink for a week or two, but it will come. Might not call me names for a month, but that will happen. He does, i don;t want him to touch me, at all!

That's exactly what my Mum has said. I think tomorrow that's what I'm going to have to do, when it is just me and her. She needs to understand a little bit why I am wanting this and that it isn't just me being mean or changing things for no reason. I have a record going back to early 2019 of all the awful things he's done, my daughter wasn't even 1 by this point. I feel pathetic for letting it go on so long

Wishing you good luck OP - keep thinking- it’s shit now but in 6 months ‘this will pass’ - and you probably won’t give a stuff what he does/thinks

You and your partner are guilty of adultrification of your daughter, that you have continued to allow her to witness and be emotionally abused like this.

Thst poor child has seen, heard and been exposed to far too much.

He is manipulating you by abusing her trying to control you.
Absolutely disgusting.
Poor child.

Please stop him and get her away.
She should not be part of any conversation regarding her father.
So fundamentally wrong.