Should I leave my Emotional/Verbally Abusive Partner

[Nats198415090]

Sorry this is a long one :(
I am 40 years old and have a 6 year old daughter with this "man", he is 42. We own a house together (with a mortgage) and I just don't feel like I can take it anymore.
He drinks, every day, but apparently is not an alcoholic. He comes home drunk on a Saturday/Sunday, either in front of our daughter or after shes gone to bed, and always wakes me up going on about how I don;t care about him and he does everything and I do nothing. I arrange EVERYTHING, school, dentist, doctors, clubs, take her to get shoes/clothes when she needs them, sort out world book day, Christmas, birthday parties - literally Everything!He drinks at home the other nights, 10 cans on a Friday and even drinks when he has our daughter if I do go anywhere.
He has been physically abusive previously, not recently though, it's all words. We both work full time but he "works his ass off" and I'm a lazy c**t because I don;t hoover every day and there are dishes washed up on the draining board not put away immediately. I am unable to go anywhere and stay overnight unless they come too as he wont bath or dress my daughter so my worry is if she was ill or wet herself in the night, how would he bath her? He wont feed the cat because she's not his cat (she was my daughters 6th birthday present), he wont even wash or iron her clothes or her food bowls/cups/cutlery, it's so weird!
I have said I want him to leave several times but I just get talked at about how everyone leaves him and I said I'd never break his heart again (we dated previously before this 12 year relationship) and I am doing what I said I never would. He turns up to children's parties and events drunk. I arranged to take my daughter to something yesterday, he walked in drunk, slurring while talking to other parents, I was mortified! He turned up at his nephews party after going to the pub with some cans. He says he was like it when I met him so shouldn't expect him to change. I have grown up and alcohol abuse is not or me. I have my daughter to think about now.
He accused me of cheating (when do I have the time?) and said I was probably sleeping with multiple people at work. He even accused me of sleeping with a recently ex-colleague who is terminally ill!!!! WTF! He then was about to tell my daughter that when we were together first off 20 years ago I had a termination and "killed" her sibling!
He told my daughter that Mummy is asking him to leave and that she will never see him again as if he goes, he is gone.and he will not pay any maintenance.
My parents are aware and have said they will do what it takes and take money out of pensions to give me to give him his share of equity and pay some money off the mortgage so I pass affordability checks on a solo application.
He just makes me feel so guilty as he says he loves me and doesn't want to lose his family. I have mentally checked out and want to do what's best for my daughter. But is it really best to stay in a relationship that I am so unhappy in just for her and him to be happy? She will surely understand when she's older that it was for the best, right?

Leave him ASAP. Your daughter will thank you for it. You will both thrive without this vile man.

I hope you feel better for having written all that down. I also hope it’s clarified the answer you.

Just in case there is any doubt left in your mind, then YES you should definitely leave him.

You split, no question. Before the child and friends pick up on the issues you've outlined -- if it's not already past that point.

Thanks to those who have replied and confirmed what I have been thinking. I spoke to him just now and he sounds so sad. It just makes me feel awful.I know he'll keep on and on later and I'll just cave again and just keep doing it for the next 6 months a=until another massive bust up! I need strength to be tough and I'm not sure I have it :(

He feels sorry for HIMSELF that's why. Please do what is best for you and your daughter, not what is best for him.

Yeah deep down I know that. He has had a bad past with his parents but you'd think someone would want to do better for their kids than they had, right? He says the reason he goes out is because my Mum is here a lot, but she takes and collects my daughter form school so therefore has to sit with her until someone comes home from work, and then I do include my Mum when we go out on the weekend because he goes out and otherwise I would be on my own with my daughter and it's nice to have someone come and do things with us. If I say my Mum can't come up, or I don;t make plans with her, I wouldn't see anyone else other than the two days I work in the office. My Mum is not there during the day (at our house) on the weekend, so if he was to plan something, then we would do it with him. But he relies on me to think of ideas and organise everything. He says he hates our house so hates being at home which is why he goes out.
I can sort of see how on a Saturday if my Mum is there that may be a reason to come back late, but not to go out in the first place. It's also not an excuse to accuse me of things and call me names.
He also told my daughter that her getting 9/10 on spellings is not good enough and she needs to practice them twice a day instead of once as she needs to get 10!

Of course it's not better for her to be in a house day in day out with an abusive alcoholic.

Your parents have given you a way out, so take it.

God almighty. Dump him straight away.

He’s an abusive alcoholic, and you can’t fix him.

You might find it helpful to do some counselling to find out why you have stayed for so long.

Life is too short to waste it with a drunk

My father was an abusive alcoholic also. It never got better. His abuse still haunts me today. It affected my ability to have a relationship with my mother because she was always so conflicted when it came to sticking up for me. In all fairness she was being abused as well.

its not your job to fix a grown man.

Leave him.

I doubt your parents would have made that offer if they weren’t seriously concerned about your welfare. Your parents sound like they are awesome.

He sounds so sad? Why should you care? He's vile.

Let him be sad. It's not your job to make him happy.

It's your job to make yourself happy and to protect your daughter.

Stop being tricked by this man and his 'sadness'. Stop being a sucker.

YES! He’s a manipulative, alcoholic, lazy, demeaning, prick. Don’t listen to his words, don’t try to argue with him. Let it wash over you. You need to do this not just for you, but for your daughter.

He's going to make up all sorts of crap to gaslight you into thinking his behaviour is reasonable and your fault.

You will uae up precious emotional and mental energy listening to him and taking on board anything he says.

Alcohol comes first so you cannot believe a word he says.

His love of alcohol is above you and your dd.

Yes you will probably feel guilty for a time but that's not a reason to stay with him.

This is my main worry. She begs me to let him stay. He can be good on occasion, but I just don’t think I can get over some of the things that have been said in what seems like an attempt to manipulate me into staying or try to turn my daughter against me.
i always stick up for her to be fair, but I just know how possible it is that she will be affected in her future relationships by it :( Why is it so hard for me to just say no, enough is enough :(

He said this morning that if I love him then I need to give it another chance for him to change, which I have done previously. He said I need to change as he is lonely as my mum is there too much and he never gets a chance.
I just gave in and said ok, and then cried on the way to work about how pathetic I am giving in again! Why is it so so hard to just stand up for myself and what I want and tell him that I deserve better and I need him to go :(

Your DD is 6 and has no idea what is the best thing for her.

She is starting to form a co dependent relationship with her father where she wants to appease him to keep the peace. This is very common with an alcoholic parent and abusive toxic relationship.

Contact woman's aid, friends, your gp, get as much support as you can to leave him.

You don't have to do it on your own, you need help and support.

I think it might be best to present this as a ‘we need some time apart and you need to get therapy/treatment’ - once out , it’s much easier to present this further down the line as ‘we like it just like this’ - because I’m going to bet you that he will have some other sucker for his sad socks face in around 3 months and probably won’t get treatment.

What good things does this man bring to your life? Sit and think for a few minutes about how you will feel in, say five years, living in your own house and not having to dread him coming home and ranting. How does that feel?
Only you have the power to make it happen. He's got it cushy, he's not going to decide to leave, only you have the ability to make a stable life for your daughter. Don't listen to her 'I want Daddy to stay' - of course she does, children dread change because they don't know what is going to happen. She doesn't have the maturity to see how much better your life can be without this drunk.

Oh, and if he really loved her - would he threaten to vanish and never pay a penny? Tells you all you need to know.

Leave now while DD is young, it’ll be harder as she gets older.

This is major. She is only six years old and has already having to learn how to “forgive” her father for his terrible behaviour that is way beyond the point of abuse. That is something I embodied also and it took me my whole life to unlearn. I’m 48 now.

it impacted more than just romantic relationships. It affected my friendships as well. It really is insidious.

You can’t teach her the importance of having boundaries when yours are thrown in the trash on a daily basis.

I understand it’s difficult, but I think you already know in your heart that there is no future with this man. It’s just a matter of how much damage will he inflict on you and your child and parents.

fact that he is whinging about your mother coming around is another red flag 🚩 . What’s his problem? She is there to help you and to be a grandmother to your child. You’d think he would be grateful for that. Instead he is trying to isolate you.

sending you love sis. It isn’t going to be easy but how much is enough?

Hi,
with the help of supportive parents and friends who understand what YIU are going through, be brave and move on without him…..otherwise things will get even worse if you give him another chance.enough is enough, he is destroying you

You need to put your daughter FIRST - not you - your daughter. If you don't her life choices will be poor based on an abusive father and alcoholic. Your may benefit from ALANON or Codependents anonymous - please protect your child and yourself. Exactly how is he going to change?

He deserves to feel sad. He is trash.

Do the right thing for your daughter and leave.

@Nats198415090 you’re putting the wellbeing of the abusive alcoholic man above that of a clearly traumatised (that’s why she’s begging you to ‘let him stay’) six year old girl.

Your behaviour has ranked him as the most important, with your daughter’s life being placed as least important.

How does that make you feel?

*This isn’t victim blaming, the OP isn’t responsible for what this man does, but if she doesn’t act for herself and her child, no one else will.

So what is he doing to keep you here?
Fuck all.

Leave him.
Do the women's aid Freedom Programme.
Divorce him to get half the house.
Don't count on maintenance- he will use it to control and abuse you. Given he is verbally abusive to your daughter, I would push for full residency.

Go now. You are setting an example of bad expectations for your daughter.