Ex H having another baby…. Feel like I’m loosing my mind!

[BeChicPanda]

Hi everyone,

please be kind as I haven’t used this group before but am looking for anyone who’s been in this position and can offer any guidance as I have no one in this position to turn to and all my friends are giving advice that isn’t working because they just dont know the feeling.

I was with my ex husband for 15 years, married for 10. We have a 14 year old daughter together and the cut of it is that it was the most volatile relationship and should have ended a lot sooner. There was cheating on both sides, violence and in general a really bad environment for our daughter which I regret being in for so long.

long story short we went to couples counselling 3 years ago and he confessed to more cheating that I didn’t know about, this was the last straw for me and I left him. He then tried to get me back until he met someone else 6 months later. He’s now been with her nearly 2 years and they are about to have there first baby and I’m distraught! I’m not sleeping, I feel sick and I’m suicidal. Not that I want him back at all, more at the fact that I always wanted more kids and never did so because I already had 1 and a man child. I’m now 36 and feel my time is passing fast on having more and yet here he is just moving on with his life and starting again. I’m gutted!

my daughter is so excited and is now even talking about moving in with him, his Mrs and their baby when she goes to college next year (he now lives 3 hours away). This makes it worse as I feel like I’m loosing my only baby because understandably she wants to be apart of her new baby sister or brothers life.

I guess I always thought I would be the one to make her a big sister and he’s taken that from me and all Iv been left with is a house to sell, which he’s demanding I sell as he needs the money and his daughter to look after.

he hardly pays any maintenance but does come up and see her every other weekend.

I just need to hear from others in a similar situation. How did you get through this? How do I stop crying over him simply moving on with his life. It feels like he’s out to get me but I know he’s not, he’s just living his life but I’m gutted because I feel like he stole the best years of mine.

thanks you listening xxx

Oh my goodness, you laugh and celebrate!

Think thank god that’s not me, and that she’ll be stuck with him for at least 16+ years due to childcare and that you have nearly escaped him for good!!

Oh and your daughter will soon grow bored of baby crying :)

Yep, what @Largestlegocollectionever said. There’s a whole big new world waiting for you. Go get it!

I am sort of in this situation except I'm older.

My children were mildly interested in the new half sibling and then as they realised all it does is eat shit and scream they were significantly less interested.

Your daughter might be excited now but it is unlikely to last long as she's got her own life. If she does move to dad's for college she won't appreciate the overnight screaming and wake ups.

Personally I am very happy I don't have any more kids as I have downsized and given both my kids support through uni and a house deposit which they would much rather have than another half sibling.

At 14 your DD does not really care about being a big sister.

Celebrate the fact that the man child is someone else’s problem now and enjoy your freedom. The new baby novelty will wear off for the 14 year old, babies are actually pretty dull in reality! Remind yourself why you left, onwards and upwards!

So you had a terrible relationship where there was aggressive behaviour and eating in both sides. It really was right to split up for everyone's sake.

He didn't take your future children away. It was a disaster of a relationship and no more dc should face come out of it.

Be happy that you are both no longer together

I feel for you with regards to potentially losing your DD but in truth, you will always be her mum. Her safe space. Work on keeping a positive and happy relationship with her so that those long term ties are strengthened. At 14, her time living with you is counting down already. You are laying the foundations for the relationship you will have with her as an adult.

Try to be happy for her having a sibling. As others have said, the novelty will wear off!

This is not really about him, it's about you and your feeling that you've lost the best years of your life to someone who treated you badly.

To move on, you have to accept that what's done is done and you can only look to the present and future. You have one life and all your energy needs to be going into making it the best it can be. You can't change the past and you can't change the fact that he's moved on and is having a baby.

I think you would probably benefit from some counselling for yourself. Your feelings are all perfectly natural but you don't want to get stuck in this place - you need to move forward with your life too.

It's lovely that your daughter is happy about the baby but she's probably also feeling anxious about her dad having less time for her, hence her thinking about moving in with him. She will need you too, you're still her mum. Keep being there for her and try not to guilt her about her need to be close to her dad. I suspect that the new girlfriend might not be so keen on having her stepdaughter live with them once the baby comes.

Oh, and it isn’t too late for you to have more DC. I only had my first DC at your age and had another one a few years later. Think about your own future (more DC or no more DC) and set some goals. Travel? Career? Focus on what you want and go for it.

Book a lovely hot holiday by the beach with your DD and think how much your enjoying having an older child, you can sit and chill with whilst your ex is changing nappies and not getting a full nights sleep. Your DD likes the sound of a baby it’s like a real life doll but after the novelty wears off she’ll be sick of it and enjoy hanging out with you! It’s devastating but honestly it’s just the shock, times a great healer

You’re only 36. I’m 2 years off from that and I haven’t even had my first child so relax. If another child is something you want it is definitely possible.

You’ve said yourself that the relationship was absolutely awful on both sides so just remind yourself that you’re well rid whenever you get that pang of negative feelings.

Work hard on yourself to make sure you don’t repeat the same mistakes as in your last relationship and the right person will soon come along.

Report him to CMS for child support.

Yeah see how long she wants to live with them when she experiences the reality of living with a baby. Very few teens actually want this, she likes the idea, but doesn't know what it's like.

Most threads on here are about the existing older child losing their shit at not wanting their parents to breed half siblings.

At least your daughter is okay. Enjoy just you and her!!!!!

@BeChicPanda You're still young enough to start again with a good man. Lovely that your daughter is looking forward to being a big sister. It shows that she's not feeling insecure or threatened. Well done you for raising a happy girl despite her selfish father.

I can understand why you feel the way you do OP, however you have to try to not compare your life with his. You are looking at his “new life” through rose tinted glasses - do you really think he has changed as a person? His new partner has now got him to deal with for however long their relationship lasts and another child in the mix is not going to make things easy.

You need to start looking at the positives in your life and accepting it how it is - you have so much freedom now and a lovey daughter (who of course will love her new baby sibling but the novelty of a new baby will soon wear off).

You may not have ended up in a traditional relationship with 2.4 children but that doesn’t matter - look at what you have, take a step back and appreciate it - you will find yourself a lot happier if you stop thinking about what could have been - plus you’re only 36 so it’s not like it’s out of the question in the future for you.

Please seek therapy
Your dd will still need you

I understand x

i desperately wanted more children with my ex husband, it became a real issue.

he isn’t even with someone but as men can have children forever I still sometimes think about how it would feel.

it isn’t about the baby, (for me) but would be about all the missing hope/wishes for a man who would be the dad you hoped for ……all the what ifs, all the ‘almosts’ etc, I wish I had had a better marriage is all, and of course it almost was…… I suspect it feels like if he can do it better this time, then why not with me etc

I left my marriage after a long time of needing to (third time getting free) and I am happy. He has since proven how right I was to leave etc

but I am still very sad that I didn’t have the marriage I once hope for. Moments like you are going through bring back the pain of lost hopes xx

your daughter will always love you

“It” ?

You're 36?

You're in the absolute prime of your life. Young enough to do anything and be anything you want particularly now that your DD is older. And yet old enough to know your own mind and to have acquired some wisdom alomg the way.

Enjoy the rest of your life and don't waste it on idiots or fretting on whatifs about your cheating loser XH.

@BeChicPanda This post nails it.
WHY would you want to be bringing new children into this toxic mess?

Far better to sit back in peace and harmony and leave the screaming and chaos to the ''new couple'' -Leopards don't change their spots- he'll be cheating and probably violent with the new partner.

Your 14 yr old likely won't be remotely interested in the baby, the age gap is massive.

Babies are sometimes referred to as ''It'' - especially when the person doesn't want to reveal the sex of the baby.

Eg..''It's a good baby, it sleeps through the night''

Helpful,

There's lots of issues here but you should deal with your own feelings about not giving you dd a sibling.

Your dd may be excited now but it won't last. She may have a great bond with her half sibling but the dynamics will change at her dad's house and she may not like it.

You are still young at 36! Look upon this as an opportunity to start over. When the house sells you will find a new home with no bad memories. Your ex is a cheat. How long before he gets bored of his new little domestic set up and will cheat again. Your daughter is maturing now and once the novelty of the baby has worn off she will hopefully see things from a different perspective. You embrace your new found freedom. You are still young enough to start again with someone who deserves your love and will treat you with respect. I wish you well, get out there and be strong, you are a free woman with the world at her feet!

Losing